The English Woman
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of
England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally, he found a
compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty
seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your
dog if I can sit down." he said.
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I
please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant. You are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know
that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window."
What's up with that?
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he
wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to
get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
The Hockey Fan
A man had tickets for the Stanley Cup Final. As he sits
down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this
for the Stanley Cup Final, one of the biggest sporting events in the world, and not use
it?"
He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Final we haven't been to together since we got married
in 1985."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a
friend or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
IT vs. Management
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots
a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me
where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do." replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's
no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in business."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect
me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault."
Talking to God
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the
clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."