All Guys are Dogs!!!
Anna L. Williams
October 28, 1998
My brother L- is a dog, served by over 100. Proud of it, but was not born and bred to be. He is my best friend, and a person that I would die for. Still, I would not introduce him to any of my female friends. I would only wish him and his kind on my worst enemies. When I told two other males this, my so-called "friends", they wanted to be like my brother. I thought they were better than that.
So of course, I am so in love with M-. But M- wants to be like my brother. The guy that I am willing to give my heart to wants to be a dog and eat my heart up. M- is not like V- in any way, and does not have the balls to carry on like my brother… because if he did we would have fucked by now. I have given this guy more than enough opportunities to have sex with me, and he was just too scary to rise to the occasion. Even thought M- is not, (and will not be any time soon) he would not mind being like my brother, so he says.
In M-'s case, I feel that it is the thought that counts.
L- was so in love with N-. I was there. I saw it. He loved her. He was more into the relationship than she was. He took the girl to Florida and treated her like a queen. Why did my brother tell me last night that he bet R-, his friend and the other manager at this restaurant, that he could fuck N- in less than a month? This is before they started going out together. This is the girl he was so in love with. I believe the first that he did not cheat on; (I have to ask him to make sure). He made a bet that he could fuck her in less than a month. In less than a month, My brother handed R- N-'s panties.
Now, that was the girl that L- was head over hill in love with and he still did that stupid ass bull shit, and won the bet. One, M- is not even in love with me. Two, he is a guy. God only knows what D- and him could have been saying and/or betting about me. I mean, I thought they were my friends, and I did not think that they could do something like that. Not that they did, but now I am not so sure. To bet about who would get the first kiss from me would have been something that my brother would have done. D- and M- want to be like my brother. So now I trust nothing with a penis and all males must pay for their faults.
… Even thought that was the best Goddamn kiss I ever had. I thought I felt love during that kiss. That kiss changed my mind about just fucking him and made me think about having a relationship with M-. I wish that was the first kiss I ever received. That was how my first kiss should have been. Very soft, not too deep, not to much pressure, not too wet, not at all dry, not too short, not to long, not sexual, no roaming hands; just a kiss. It was just right. He probably lied to me when he said he wasn't a good kisser. He must have lied, because that kiss was perfect. It was too good to be true (boy, don't you know it).
Oh well… my heart is broken now. And I'm writing this long ass essay just because we kissed. Thank God, I did not have sex with him. The sex would have been great and people would have been calling me Psycho-A (another story). I would have been all on his dick, not letting him breath, and thinking that I loved him and he loved me (I am just very emotional and I know what I can and can not handle).
I haven't bit my nail in two months and I want to bit them now.
Shit like this worries the hell out of me. Now I know the reason why I am not getting anywhere with any guy. I am tried of males telling me that I am so damn fuck-able. I'm tried of these late teen and earlier twenty-year-old men going through their sexual peaks. I'm just so tried of this bull shit. And I just don't understand why sex is so important to them. I've had sex. It is true that sex feels very good. When I do choose to have a relationship, (if that will ever happen) sex will make up about 50% of the reason why I am with that man. My question is what about the other 50%? This act is just not on top if my to-do list.
I just don't understand why males and females are so different. Why can't M- be in love with me? If he was, we could have sex. Hell, we could even make love occasionally. He does not even had to take me any where or buy me anything. All he has to do is love me and have passion for me, you know, give his heart and soul willingly to me. That is all I want from him. However, he just doesn't want to hear this right now in his life.
And some might say, "Well it is not that easy Anna." And I think that the people who say this are the ones who make the situation so hard for others to fall in love. I believe in my heart that it truly is that easy. We both like each other, I want him to fall in love with me, and he wants me to have sex with him. This fact is established. Now see, if we could just compromise him and I could get the best of both worlds. But no, people must play games. If a guy is in love with a girl, he is whipped, and if a girl want to have sex with a guy, she is a hoe. The people who made up these rules made life so hard to live.
And than I think, maybe I should become a lesbian because men are so full of shit. I know a female could love me the way that I desire to be love. However, that is all she could do. She could not fuck me the way I want to be fuck… and the sex is very important as stated before. Love from a female cannot make me organism like a warm dick inside me can. There is just something about a dick during the act of sex that I just cannot give up; there for I must deal with men.
I'm pissed.
I don't have the time to make the same mistake twice. Plus, I'm getting too odd for this shit, going around acting crazy for a guy. I am not going to lie to myself or fool myself into believing that sex is important enough to ruin the only chance I've had at a decent relationship. M- is not going to get from me just what he wants because than I would not be happy. We have to share. Right now, he cannot have me. Moreover, he will not be able to have me until he gets some sense and realizes that being in love (with moderation) is not a bad thing. Being in love is not marriage. It is a wonderful and beautiful thing; a state of being that should not be rushed.
…I think I need to learn that same lesson.
If this was a competition, you could say M- has won. He always wins. I always give in. I thought this whole situation of us being together was cute at first, but now I'm just tried of these games. I know if M- ever reads this letter, he might get mad about it, but oh well. This is how I feel right now. He feels that he is not ready for a relationship. This is how I feel about a guy who does not want a relationship. The reason he gives for not having one is that it would take away his focus on his education. We both are here to get an education. A person that says all he wants to do is have sex, yet does not have the balls to have sex with a girl just because she is willing to let him. This is how I feel about a guy that does all this because he truly likes me (as a person) and does not want to ruin our friendship (but I'm willing to take that chance). This is how I feel about the guy that I think is good enough for me… when maybe he is not.
I know that these thoughts might be miss directed angry (maybe?). I'm angry with L- for being a dog and my brother. I'm angry with M- for not being in love with me, not telling me what is on his mind about this situation, and (I'm guessing) for wanting to take things slow if we are going to be together.
M- is a sweet person because he is not like my brother (yet wants to be). Dare I say that he is different from other guys? I just wish he saw this difference as a good difference as I see it, and not a bad there-is-something-wrong-with-me-difference. I would not think I am so in love with him if he weren't who he was. I don't want him to change into something else.
Fuck M- J. T- for being the person that I want in my life.
All I can say is God give me patience; self control, and let me keep on hoping and praying. This is the only way things are going to workout in my if I decided to have any future relationships .