Let me start by saying I'm as screwed up as the next person.  I freely admit to my personality flaws as well as any others you may pick up on.  I never present myself as someone I'm not, or at least I think I don't but the voices in my head sometimes mess with me.

On-line dating.  What can I say... a lot actually.  My best friend met her husband in a chat room over 2 years ago.  He moved here from England and they lived happily ever after...yadda yadda yadda.  So being the desperate person I am, I decided to place a personal's ad on the web.  Ah...the wonderful people I've met.  I mean that and I don't.  I have met some great guys and some not so great guys.

My ad is an amusing one, or at least I think so.  Of course it incorporates my ferrets as the tag line.  I think my personality comes through fairly well.  My sense of humor is in full force, my likes, dislikes, hobbies, physical stats and a picture are there for all to view and judge.

I didn't have a picture on my ad until recently.  In the beginning I received a response or two a day but more on the weekends. (Now with the picture up I get about three or four a day and more on the weekends.)  I would read what someone wrote and get a general feel for who they were.  Some peaked my interest and I wrote back.  Others were too brief in what they had to say.  They didn't give any details about what they looked like, what they did, what city they were in etc. and so on. There were the weird vibe ones also, you know just something about how they "spoke" or something bothered me and I never replied.  This always makes me feel bad because at least the guy had the nads to send me an email in the first place right?  But why respond to someone you aren't interested in?

As I remember it one of the first responses I wrote back to seemed to be "my type" of guy.  Nice looking, same interests, relatively close to my location, had a job blah blah blah.  I "talked" on-line via email with this guy for a couple of weeks, then on the phone for a while and eventually went to met him, a friend came along as I don't like to meet anyone alone for various reasons.  He was a nice enough guy but all he ever talked about was himself (ego maniac).  Telling me stories about your life or ideas and opinions are fine but telling me how wonderful you are and how lucky I am to have met you is totally something else.  Chalking it up to nervousness I gave him another chance but I was wrong to have done that.  He called me constantly (psycho), I hate that.  Several times a day, everyday, which is fine if you have something to say.  Let me correct that something different or interesting (dullard) to say, but it was always about him so he got the boot.

Now I can go on and on about every single man that I had any type of correspondence with but that would take forever (ad has been up for 2 years) and may give out too much information about the guys and their feelings may get hurt if they read this, which I don't want to do.  So, I will hit the highlights of those I actually met first then some other rejects later. You can decide who the dullards, psychos and ego maniacs are. Maybe later I'll add some amusing stories about these guys in more detail.
 

• Nice guy, wrong timing?  Very nice man, we got along great, there was a spark but too many things in my life were going screwy and I blew it.  It was a on again off again thing but like I said I have issues and that made me not see it for what it was.
• Culture clash.  Again very nice man but cultural differences made things waaay too weird.  I did care for him but I let myself get swept up in the situation and let it get out of hand.  I realized that I was getting swept up for the wrong reasons and if I let it continue it would be worse for both of us.  I wish it had ended differently but I don't want to try and fix it as the wrong idea may be perceived.
• Baby factory.  I have a set age range I am looking at and the one time I say what the hell and date someone older than the range he's looking for a breeder.  Very nice man, but he was looking for someone to give him a kid and that wasn't me.  Don't get me wrong I do want kids but I don't want to be with someone only for that reason.
• Priest.  What can I say, I met this guy once and that's all it took.  I'm the type of person that if I like you as a friend or what ever I'll give you a hug.  Well that freaked this guy out.  I gave him a hug for coming from a distant town and he must have thought I was the devil because he told me he had a problem with it. Whatever.
• Too good looking.  I consider myself a pretty girl.  I've had enough reinforcement over the years to believe this without being vain about it.  Very nice looking guy and generally a nice person but he made me very nervous.  I've dated good looking men but this guy freaked me out. It wasn't just that he was good looking, he wanted to get me right into his life, met the kids, do this do that and it just didn't feel right.
• Duh.  Once again very nice man but not an active brain cell in his head.  Talk and talk without a damn thing to say.  Just not right for me.

• I'm the man for you!  This guy emailed me about six times telling me how wonderful he is and how in love I would be with him if only I would reply back.
• Hi/Bye.  There were several ones that did just that. I'm so and so, I liked your ad please reply.  NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION  I hate that.
• On, and On, and On.  Then there are the ones that write an email that takes twenty minutes to read and yet has nothing to say. I hate that.
• Stinkin' Hackers.  There were about four that some how got my primary email addy and they are automatically disqualified.
• Porn Star.  Ah, the porn guys.  I reply back and get URL's for porn. They got a shake of my head and deleted.
• DAD! or Didn't I use to baby-sit you?  My age range is plain as day on my ad yet these guys ignore that and write anyway.  Don't want to date a guy old enough to be my dad nor do I want to date a guy young enough to be my kid. If there is a standard on the ad it will not be changed just for you!  I can understand that these guys are all really wonderful but damn it I'm picky and I admit it.
• Blind.  I really hate the ones that "read" my ad then write to me and ask questions like, "How old are you?", "What do you do?", "Do you drink/smoke?". That info is on my stinkin' ad. READ IT and REFER BACK TO IT if you forget.

Now back to me.  I am screwed up.  There I said it.  I have been walked on so many times I could be an ad for (insert your favorite shoe company here) because I have permanent sole imprints on my skin.  I have been hurt so many times I expect it now *sniffle* (don't you feel sorry for me?) And when it doesn't happen I make it happen.  I am a chaos junky!  If things are going good there has got to be something wrong.  What is wrong with the person that wants to date me? There has to be something wrong with them and if not I'll make it up damn it.

The first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem. I did that and it doesn't work.  I don't know what it is about me that attracts these guys but they can sense it.  Let me describe what I date.  Fairly to above average good looking men, horrible childhood (leading to immature behaviour/but ooo they're fun), good sense of humor (from dealing with pain), may or not have a job but if they do it's a low paying/no advancement position, low goals, insecure and a general fixer upper.  If they don't have some problem I will make up a problem for them or I will sabotage the relationship.  I am the Fixer. I strive to fix everything. If I can't do it no one can, they need my help, blah blah blah.

I am a believer in fate.  I think things happen for a reason and we as individuals are put here to learn things and keep coming back until we learn them.  I know that makes me some sort of "new ager" or something but I don't care.  I also believe that our brains can do a whole hell of a lot more than we know about (yes I'm talking about "ESP" but I don't like the term).  Recently I met someone that is pretty much the male version of me.  Weird things happen with this person.  Shared history, mutual friends, finishing each other's sentences, "hey, I was just going to say that.", these things freaked me out but I love it.

Because of these things I was again swept up by my feelings.  My usual arms length stance turned to an embrace that I have come to believe will end with a sharp pain in the back.  Once again I have let my guard down, let someone in only to find they were soliciting something other than what I thought.  I guess what bothers me the most is that I was really trying this time. I tried to recognize my head games and correct them at some point. I would see them for what they were after I did them sometimes but I always explained what was going on.  I was looking for a connection and I found it but it was the wrong connection.  We could be great at parties though, you know some sort of mind reading act could make some dough, cause we're pretty good at it.

If I could create a man for myself what would he be like?  Hmmm...I think I have a general idea about that.  I knew a guy that was really quiet but had the passion of any great lover ever written about.  I have never met anyone that had even half of the passion this guy had.  He could make my heart leap into my throat with just a glance and I don't think I've ever felt more wanted by anyone but this man.  I want that.  It's just the first on my list but I really want that.  I've felt wanted before but it never lasts, the feeling of being with someone you've dreamt about for weeks, the prize of being in their arms after imagining it day after day.  That feeling is wonderful but it always fades.  The thousandth one is never like the first, except with that guy and I wonder if I'll ever feel like that again.  But that's all he had, that is the trait I'd take from him.

Then there was the scholar.  We could talk for days on end about everything under the sun.  Literature, art, music, film, tv, philosophy what ever the topic was we would explore it.  He and I had the best conversations I've ever had.  He made me feel smart and validated.  My ideas and opinions were important to him or at least that's how he made me feel.  He also was a pool shark and so was I for a while.  Those two things I'd take from him.

A man mentioned above was the most gentile, caring man I've ever met.  He knew how to stroke my head or play with my hair, how to awaken every nerve with a soft caress, when to tell me how beautiful I was without saying it so often that it didn't mean anything anymore.  That a single flower (not necessarily a rose either) can mean so much more than an entire bouquet.  That is what I would take from him.

From my friend that is always on my wave that is exactly what I want from him.  I want someone to just look at me and know what I'm thinking.  I know this can happen over time with someone but I'd want it to be immediate as it was with him.  I think I'd also take his uncanny ability to recall stuff from movies and songs.  It's really amazing what this guy can remember and it can be an entertaining trait.

Banter.  I like banter too.  With several people a banter has broken out.  You say one thing and I come back with something clever and vice versa, my wave friend and I had this at some points so I guess I'll let that one come from him too.  A bit of sarcasm is also necessary, not the kind that is hurtful to someone else but more of a sense of humor sarcastic remark ability should be there.

I've had two adult (age wise not mentally) relationships that produced wonderful love letters and I think that is something that will always get me right here (taps above heart).  I'm such a girl.  So, of course I want that too.

Spontaneity is good.  Not to the point where you never know what is going to happen next but a surprise trip some where or a gift for no reason is always nice.  The ability to go with the flow of things should probably fit into spontaneity too.

Patience, gotta have that one.  I'm too easily frustrated to have to deal with someone else that is the same way.  I admit to my flaws, I just need someone that can deal with them.

I'm always in shorts and a t-shirt and they are usually not ironed so I guess that being able to not give a rat's butt what other people think is important too but not to the point where you look like crap in situations when you need to look nice.  Some sense of style is necessary.

I think that's it.  I'm not asking for much just some attraction and the stuff I've mentioned.  What have I learned from my last endeavor of love?  Never date someone that is the same zodiac sign as you. No, no well..maybe that too.  Really though, I don't know.  That too much in common is a bad thing?  That life sucks and I should come back as a bug?  That love IS blind and you see only what you want to see? ( I think that one is close )  That I should listen to my mother and go ahead with the arranged marriage?   After all some where I heard that the difference between Americans and Asians when dealing with love is that Americans marry the ones they love and Asians love the ones they (arranged marriage) marry (and this explains U.S. divorce rate).  That I was right to keep people at a distance? (that's the one that deep down I truly believe. Can't get hurt that way.)

Like I said before I dunno.  Have you ever tried to sailboard?  You know out on a lake or in the ocean.  You're out there next to this big thing, you struggle to get up on the board over and over again.  Then you progress and try to get the sail up but it just falls over or smacks you in the face yet you keep doing it over and over.  Every time the mast of the sail threatens to fall on your head and knock you cold but you keep doing it bruises and all.  Frustration sets in after a while.  I think I went all of three feet and gave up because I was too tired, hurt and hungry.  That's how I feel now.  Tired, hurt and hungry.