C O N F I D E N T I A L |
Above Top Secret: The SPAM Conspiracy
40+ years of Government Coverups Unmasked
This classified document could not possibly have been procured via standard "government approved" FOIA channels. Much of the information was covertly supplied by special agent Richard "Spam-Meister" Dotie and the rest was provided via channeling a trans-dimensional 5th density Pleiadean entity referred to as O.H. Spmm. It should be noted here that even though the intended meaning of the name "O.H. Spmm" was, in fact, an acronym for the phrase "[The] Original Holy Spam", many of our proud culture who disdain these sort of monarchial titles referred irreverantly to the entity as somewhat of a distasteful lunchtime joke- "Oh Hell, Spam [...again!]". Needless to say, we were not amused by this childish display of governmental irreverance.
The reader is cautioned at this point that the data contained herein is disturbing in nature and may cause an overall disrespect for and distrust of the U.S. government who, in their vampire-like compulsion to control every aspect of our existence and our free-will choices, have conspired against the American people to produce this hideous processed food substance against our will. Indeed, when the very foundations of culinary existence are shaken and challenged, what remains is little more than a quivering mass of gelatinous jello- brand gelatin, yet another substance which is utterly devoid of any redeeming nutritional value.
When allied forces invaded the secret underground bunkers of Nazi Germany at the end of WWII, they were somewhat befuddled to find special top secret factories geared up for the mass production of some heretofore unknown quasi-meat substance. The German blueprints made cryptic references to an undisclosed "Uber-Meat" which was refered to as "Schpammme". Orders were subsequently issued to terminate these factories with "extreme prejudice". All production of the anomalous substance was halted, all records destroyed, and the factories bombed into oblivion.
However, previous to this mass destruction (and unbeknownst to the bulk of the intelligence community), the German "Schpamme-Kopfs" (or "Spam-Heads" as they were subsequently labeled) were whisked away from these plants via top-secret "mystery choppers" by the trans-galactic "Men in Pink" (henceforth referred to as "MIP"s) under the direction of Allen Dullest, who used this core group of ex-SS (Society off der Schpamme) agents to found the U.S. CIA (Culinary Intelligence Agency) under the top-secret operation "Paperclip". This secret culinary society in turn spawned the now all-too-powerful NSA (National Spam Activists) who now covertly run this country and, indeed, the bulk of international religio-political affairs.
But these covert elements of the U.S. government are not entirely to blame. In fact, they are little more than pawns for the International Spam Consortium known as the Bavarian Illuminatti (which, interestingly enough, spelled backwards is "Ittani-mulli Nair-avab", or, as you are all probably aware is the, "Italian Multi-National Nair Consortium"!). It is interesting to note at this point that the illustration on the back of US $1.00 bills is that of an uncompleted pyramid of spam cans topped with the "all-seeing eye" (an all-too familiar trademark of the Spam Consortium) and labeled with the Latin phrase "Novus Ordo Spamus Seclorum" (which, loosely translated, means "The New Secret Order of Spam"). Is it mere coincidence, my inquisitive friend, that the original purchase price of a tin of Spam was _exactly_ one dollar?
The phrase "Annuit Coeptis Spamus MDCCLXXVI" (which means 1776- the Year of Spam's Conception) also appears on the same insignia. Could it be that these German "inventors" of Spam were not the true creators of this diabolical other-worldly meat substitute after all? Famed conspiracy guru and author of the book "Secret Societies and Spam Warfare", Michael A. Hoffmeister II alludes many times to this most elusive Spam Consortium and their true purposes in revealing to the culinary intelligence community at large some of the esoteric data (transliterated from the ancient Enochian language) regarding the manufacture and distribution (but _NOT_ the true purpose and intent) of the demonic pink chunks [Spam].
Many have recently become aware of the conspiratorial mechanisms of the society of the "FreeMasons" yet, to my knowledge, no one has uncovered the true underlying _purpose_ of this covert sect. 33rd degree insiders who have recently defected from the cult have informed us that their chief goal was to, and I quote, "...fill Mason-jars with the pink chunky stuff [Spam] and offer it _Free_ of charge to anyone who would care to partake of the disgusting slop". Hence the name FreeMasons. Yet they too were merely pawns of the spam-dominated and spam-influenced Illuminati.
In light of the new revelations from the ancient Enochian texts mentioned above, 1776 could not possibly be the highly touted "Year of Spam's Conception" as 1776 was merely the year of rebirth (renaissance, if you will) of the Spam dogma mentioned in the ancient Enochian texts. In his most excellent treatise, "The 12th Can of Spam" Zecharia Zitdown has uncovered evidence that ancient Egypt's predecessors (the Sumerians) were, and I quote, "...exquisitely skilled in the esoteric arts of Spam production and pagan rituals which involved Spam worship and consumption. That this wisdom was originally acquired by the Sumerians from extra-terrestrial visitors is made clearly evident by studying many of the Sumerian petroglyphs which have been unearthed in recent archelogical excavations. Many of the glyphs depict scenes in which short, gray-skinned hominids climbing from strange disk-shaped vehicles are portrayed as imparting the sacred wisdom of Spamology to the previously unenlightened culture."
Yet there is far more information available to establish the relationship between Spam and the ETs. Recall, if you will, Tony M. Pthonh's rather bizarre documentary on PBS which, for reasons of national security, he was forced to encrypt into the comedic stylings commonly referred to as "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (the reader will note that "Monty Python" is, in fact, a direct anagram for the anonymous author's name "Tony M. Pthonh"). In one encrypted episode which was probably the hidden reason for production of the entire series, there was a group of people heartily singing "Spam Spam Spam Spam...Wonderful Spam, Wonderful Spam!" Please take special note of the entities chanting this mantra. That's right- they were "Nordics"! This is a crystal clear warning to us from Mr. Pthonh that the Orion Nordics are using subliminal programming via the mindless chanting of cryptic mantras alluding to the "wonderful" nature of that most hideous pink slop employing orgasatic subliminal CIA/Alien mind-control technology. We have been warned! It becomes, at this point, clearly evident why the Hebrew God Jehovah established the Kosher laws for his people and banned the ingestion of pork (one of the principle ingredients of Spam) for all who wished to remain undefiled.
One of the first pioneers in uncovering the current iteration of the Spam Conspiracy (which has left virtually no part of our history untainted by it's insidious tentacles) was Cmdr. Bruce Cathy whose revolutionary book "Harmonic 666: The Bridge of Spam" bared the roots of the conspiracy for all to see. In his writings, he describes a grid of electro-magnetic flux lines ("Spam-Lines" as he calls them) which, even though undetected by most modern scientific instruments, appear to have a very pronounced effect on all creatures inhabiting this biosphere. Although there were others who attempted to unmask the conspiracy (Tesla's "Free-Spam" devices, Reichian "Spam Collection Devices", Jung's "Spam Archetypes", Einstein's "Unified Spam Theory" which attempted to document the sub-atomic "Spam Particles" and their relation to quantum physics vis a vis "Schroedinger's Spam", and the ever-popular George Hunt Williamspam in his 1952 treatise "A Message From Our Spam Brothers via Short-Wave Radio"), none were as effective or elusive of pursuing government agencies as the brilliant Commander Cathy. Few have grasped the connections between these macro-cosmic earth Spam- lines and the micro-cosmic acupuncture meridians which course through the human body with the proliferation of the New York subway system. It is a bitter shame that our government has sought unceasingly to squelch any and every form of Spam-awareness technology which comes down the pike.
On the subject of Spam-awareness technology, few are aware of the true nature of the "Philadelphia Experiment". This was a brazen attempt by the US Navy to create a new Spam permutatation which consisted of traditional Spam (on toasted rye) with a layer of Philadelphia Cream Cheese employed as a "flavor-enhancer". The results of this unholy alliance of incompatible foodstuffs were disasterous! It is reported by a Mr. Carlos Allendespam that those who did survive the experiment were so deeply disturbed as to be rendered little more than babbling idiots. Let us heed the lesson therein. In a separate yet related vein, the reader is encouraged to research the covert activities which took place in Montauk, NJ. To document all of the heinous atrocities which took place in the notorious "Spam Room" at Montauk is beyond the scope of this document. Suffice it to say, however, that recently declassified Soviet satellite photos clearly indicate a huge Spam manufacturing plant which appears to be fully operational at the supposedly abandoned Montauk base.
The hieroglyphic markings on the now-opened sarcophagus located in the "King's Chamber" room (at the top of the "Ascending Passage" in the ancient Egyptian pyramid of Khufu seem to be a description of what the "coffin" once held. When comparing these hieroglyphs with DNA readings of scrapings from the inside of the "coffin", it becomes increasingly evident that this was not a coffin at all, but rather a very large container of Spam! It is interesting to note that the dimensions of the "coffin" are _exactly_ the same as those employed in our more modern Spam containment modules!
Yet these similarities are not confined to this planet alone. When studying the "Cydonia" region of Mars (Viking Orbiter frame 35A72), you will discover a massive perfectly formed face. To increase resolution, we employed a proprietary JPEG enhancement algorithm and were shocked to discover a fascinating detail on this ancient face. If you look closely at the upper-left incisor of the face, you will notice a small, pinkish deposit lodged between the incisor and it's neighboring bicuspid. Spectral analysis revealed the nature of the deposit- SPAM! Richard Hogland will soon be releasing this finding to the public if he can squeeze out of NASA's death-grip of secrecy.
It has been reported to us by certain anonymous members of the scientific community that they have witnessed some very strange goings-on in a top secret CIA/Alien underground lab near Dulce, New Mexico. Apparently they have observed certain alien species (probably the Orion Greys) monitoring large vats of amber-colored liguid with pink chunks of Spam floating on the surface. Similar reports have come to us from scientists who have spent time in the top secret government base near Groom Lake referred to by those "in the know" as Area 51, S4, or "Spam-Land". Can you begin to see the monumental proportions of this trans-galactic conspiracy?
In fact, one such scientist who allowed us to use his name, Bob Lasar, reported that he was hired by EG&G to reverse-engineer certain alien "artifacts" which the government has kept hidden from the ever-prying eyes of the public. He reports seeing a poster of a large can of Spam suspended in mid-air by some unknown means of anti-grav propulsion with the title "They're Here..." Lasar claims that the craft are powered by element #116 which, when successfully synthesized in this dimension, looks and tastes exactly like (you guessed it) Spam!
In order to perform an accurate analysis of Spam's contents, we took 2 separate samples (one purchased from Vons and another from a nearby 7-11, both chosen at random) and as a control sample, we utilized CalCan's "Doggy Delight", a rich and very robust delicacy which our test subjects described as, and I quote, "Good bouquet and good nose. An impudent blend, tart but not overbearing". At any rate, we were surprised to discover in both Spam samples the existence of several short-lived radionuclides:
Table 1. Radionuclides in Samples 1A and 1B But Not In The Control
Radionuclide | Abbrev. | Present | Present | Half-life
| | in 1A | in 1B |
-----------------+------------+------------+---------+-----------
Lead-203 | Pb-203 | Probably* | No | 12.17 days
| | | |
Europium-146 | Eu-146 | Yes | No | 4.6 days
| | | |
Tellurium-119m | Te-119m | Yes | No | 4.7 days
| | | |
Iodine-126 | I-126 | Yes | No | 13.02 days
| | | |
Bismuth-205 | Bi-205 | Yes | No | 15.31 days
| | | |
Vanadium-48 | V-48 | Probably | No | 16.1 days
| | | |
Protactinium-230 | Pa-230 | Yes | Yes | 17.4 days
| | | |
Ytterbium-169 | Yb-169 | Yes | No | 32 days
| | | |
Yttrium-88 | Y-88 | Yes | Probably| 106.6 days
| | | |
Rhodium-102, | Rh-102, | Yes | No | 2.9 years
Rhodium-102m | Rh-102m** | Probably | No | 207 days
* "Probably" indicates identification somewhat short of certainty,
due to low activity.
** "m" means "metastable." Rh-102m has the same number of protons
and neutrons as Rh-102, but its nucleus has a different physical
configuration. The two isotopes have different half-lives but, for
our practical purposes, the same ancestors and decay products. We
thus treat them as a single isotope.
The Power Structure of the Conspiracy:
Lets briefly review the following organizational chart:
Orion Orion
Greys Nordics
| |
+---------+---------+
|
International
Spam
Consortium
|
Bavarian
Illuminati
|
+-----------+-------------+---+-------+-----------+------------+
| | | | | |
Thule Free Knights Club Adolf Skull
Society Masons of Malta of Rome Hitler & Bones
| | | | | |
| +------+------+ UN/WHO +------+-----+
Montauk | &Alien/CIA |
Project Presidential AIDS Plan= Nazis/SS
| Assassinations 75% genocide |
| | by 2000 |
+------------------+--------+----------------------------+
|
MJ-12
|
+------------+------------+
| | |
CIA NSA NSC
This, of course, is a highly simplified diagram but it is important
to note that at least in planetary terms, the Spam Consortium are
the ones who wield the true power.
Why has our government kept the truth regarding Spam hidden from us all of these years? Because they have sold us out to the aliens in trade for some paultry beam weaponry and mind-control technology. The agreement stated that if we would ignore the cattle mutilations and "look the other way" when they abducted our citizens, they would provide us with the bargained-for technology.
In reality, it wasn't such a bad deal. We would come off looking to the entire world as though we had extremely large penises and all we had to do was let them kidnap, "rape", and implant mind-control devices into approximately 1 in 40 of our blissfully unaware citizens. All abductees would be returned to their point of origin and have no conscious memory of the traumatic ordeal. Unless they went to a shrink and engaged in hypnotic regression, they'd never even know what hit 'em. Such a deal, eh?
But why the cattle mutilations you ask? Simple, this was a distraction to draw our attention away from their secondary goal: to secure pigs for the production of yet more Spam so that they could, in turn, accomplish their primary goal: to secure "properly seasoned" human glandular extracts, their "food of choice".
Because of an atropied digestive system, the aliens cannot eat food in the same manner which we do. They secure glandual and hormonal extracts from us then dip their body parts in the "broth" and absorb what they require via osmosis. But here's the catch, humans which have not been subjected to metered doses of Spam, just don't taste that good to them. It is a simple equation, actually- No Spam, no abduction.
This is, in fact, the purpose of the alien's "anal-probe". This device is used to extract fecal matter from the lower intestine to see if the human "meal" has been properly "seasoned" with enough Spam. If there is enough residual "seasoning" [Spam], the human is cut up and placed into one of their feeding vats. If not, he or she is implanted with a bio-electronic device which causes the implantee to crave more Spam. It is a simple matter of culinary economics. As the aphid is to the ant, so are we to them. As we treat cows, so they treat us.
You can begin to see at this point why the government has gone to such great lengths to keep the "horrible truth" hidden from us and why there is such a strong inter-galactic drive to cause us to ingest more Spam.
The debunker's role in all of this is to convince us that there is no Spam conspiracy. That everything continues as it always has. Preserve the status quo. Keep 'em pacified and ignorant. This is what they are hired to do. They do derive a certain warped glee from this work- feeling intellectually superior to the rest of us and enjoying the fencing with us on a level which they feel confident in. In truth, however, Mr. Glass and Mr. Oberk, not unlike the boys from Langley, are merely pawns in the grand scheme of things and are, in fact, being toyed with by entities who only chuckle at their linear 3-Dimensional arrogant pomposity. They too, you see, will inevitably take their turns with the anal probe and will greet their horrific fate in the yummy "Vats-O-Human-Body-Parts"
Mr. Abductee: "I just saw a huge container of Spam in the western sky"
Mr. Debunker: "No you didn't, you bonehead, that was only Pork & Beans!"
Mr. Abductee: "But they abducted me from my bed in the middle of the night..."
Mr. Debunker: "You only dreamed that"
Mr. Abductee: "Then how do you explain these vivid memories of a device
shoved up through my nasal cavity and the subsequent
incessant nosebleeds or that disgusting anal probe?"
Mr. Debunker: "You are only recalling your first visit to the doctor
as an infant or your first experience with a pedophile"
Mr. Abductee: "Then why do I have this sudden craving for more Spam?"
Mr. Debunker: "We all love Spam. Spam is good. Spam, spam, spam, spam
Wonderful Spam, Wonderful Spam! I am not paid to say
this, by the way."
I can only offer you this one final suggestion, Mr. Debunker. When you see that little old lady with the obsequious smile on her face headed your way with that plate of lovely Spam sandwiches and hot cocoa...
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