Are you really smart enough to own a gun?

Jason McIntyre

Return of the Mac

My stand on guns can be spelled out in a "Saved-By-The-Bell" type spiel - Guns are bad. Let's outlaw them! (clap).

I've read all the statistics and crunched the numbers. But they lack one crucial fact among the population of the United States - people are stupid. Not sub-70 I.Q. dumb, just common sense stupid.

I'm a good driver, but an aggressive one. I ride people's bumpers and drive to get places, not to sightsee. One of these days, some guy is going to get ticked at me for following too closely, (he was in the left lane, what'd he expect), pull out a gun, and shoot at me. Flick me off, fine. Cuss me out, cool. But bust a cap at me? The cynical gun-toting psychopaths will say, "that'll teach him to tailgate. Yeah."

That's a great solution to being upset, shooting someone.

True Story #1: My brother goes to college in York, Pennsylvania. It's no ghetto, but it's also not the plush apartments found in South View and Ashby. He said he was at a party and the owner wanted this kid out. He and his friends escort the boy outside, and the kid pulls a gun out and puts it to the owner's face.

If that's not stupid, for the love of graham crackers, somebody tell me what is. He said the kid wasn't bluffing, and he pointed it in the air and fired twice. What a tough guy. He was promptly taken down by about eight guys and got the tar kicked out of him. Then he was expelled from school.

The thing that sucks about the whole thing is that if guns are out there, people will get their hands on them. Just like if drugs are out there, one way or another, people will get them.

How about eliminating all guns? I'm all for this, but you know we live in a free country, so those clowns who want to keep the deer population down (for what reason, they still roam I-81) will get their way.

How about controlling guns? There has been movement here. Joe A. thinks he deserves one because he lives in the inner city, and Jake B. wants his gat for deer hunting. Where do we draw the line?

I'm all for a law that says if you're caught with a gun (assuming all assault weapons will be banned in the next few years) and you have a criminal record, you get the book thrown at you. However, instead of wasting my tax bucks on the loser, just cut his arm off.

Keep your eyes in your head.

I know it sounds third worldish, but it might make an effective deterrent.

Hey, just last week, Bush, the Republican, unveiled a new project where he is going to become more stringent on all crimes where arms are used or possessed.

True story #2: When I first transferred here, I had three random roommates. One weekend I was in this guy's room looking for a disk, porn, a pen -whatever - and I stumbled upon this gun-like "thing." I had never actually held a gun before, so I didn't know if it was a BB gun or not. I probably should have been tipped off by the target hanging on his wall with holes in it, but oh well.

The non-gun connoisseur I am, all I knew was that it was heavy. That's when I called my weapons-specialist best friend over to see if it was the real deal.

His instant reaction: "Yep, that's a 9 mm with a double pump action blah, blah, blah."

In the following weeks, I prodded my roommate with questions and statements to try and elicit an answer on why he was packing heat.

"Man, my buddies at Virginia Tech got in a fight this weekend, and they said somebody pulled out a knife," I lied to him. "Pulling out a weapon, what a wuss move. If he's going to pull out anything, why not a gun?" He replied, "Yeah, you do have to protect yourself, I would have pulled out mine."

He then came clean about the time when him and two of his buddies were at Burger King one night, and like 12 guys jumped them for no reason, and he got hit with a lead pipe over the head, requiring 26 stitches. Apparently, this was his logic for carrying a piece. He eventually told me he had a gun, but said he kept it in his car, and never in our place.

Still, what was the point? He was your average college kid, getting drunk a few nights a week. Let's say he came back one night and got in an argument (like he always did) with his long distance girlfriend. He's drunk. What's to say he doesn't fly off the handle and, I don't know, shoot someone, or even himself? Laugh you may, but that kind of thing happens. And why?

Follow the theme - stupidity.

Jason McIntyre is a senior SMAD major and the assistant sports editor.