Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- Chapter 9
Three Mexicans worked their way through the security checks at Nunavut
International Airport, deep in the heart of Skmo country. Mexico and The
Eskimo Empire (former Canada) allowed free travel between their two
countries, much the way the United States and Canada had done before the
conquest of Canada. There was nothing particularly suspicous about these
three Mexicans. They were obviously Mexican, each of them wore a three
foot
wide black sombraro and a colorful blanket draped over his or her
shoulders.
They incurred no suspicion from the Eskimo securtiy guards. They showed
their passports, Pablo Sanchez, Bonita Gomez, and Juan Torres, and borded
their plane, flight 357 direct to Mexico City.
However these were no Mexicans, they were Special Operations Officers
of
the Clandestine Service of the Highly Irregular Intelligence Agency (HIIA)
which was run by Major Thor.
Pablo Sanchez was Sam Stellpflug. He had originally been the
arch-nemesis of Colonel Helmet, but after their deadly duel on Monkey
Island
of the Milwaukee County Zoo in 2011, Sam had decided to sign on. Sam
thought he would win that duel, seeing as he was a purple belt in
brazilian
jujitsu, but what he did not know was that the monkeys would side with
Colonel Helmet. While the 6'5" 250 pound Stellpflug attempted to fight
off
the attacking monkeys, Colonel Helmet had thrusted his thumb into Sam's
anus
and given him the feared "dirty Sanchez". Sam tapped out and pleaded to
serve in the Highly Irregulars. Since then he had attained his black belt
and after some 40 years as a black belt was made the worlds first ever
pink
belt in Brazilian Jujitsu. He had since risen to uppermost positions
within
the Highly Irregular Intelligence Agency. If I told you what positions, I
would have to kill you.
Bonita Gomez, was of course Kelly Hart, the wife of Colonel Helmet.
After
year upon year of living with the Scrotomascularabsogeneritic Colonel it
began to rub off on her too. She was committed to the mental institution
with her husband. At first they were allowed to see each other, but
doctors
were forced to seperate them after the incident in 2065. It all started
when Colonel Helm lovingly whispered into his wife's ear "wang". She
responded with "vagina". They continued with this "wang" and "vagina"
interchange for 254 straight hours, sometimes screaming the words at the
top
of their lungs, sometimes giggling them, or more often, singing. After
254
hours the staff of the mental institution could not take it, and the two
were seperated.
Juan Torres' real name was Terry. Terry was covered head to toe in
tattoos, his forhead read "wang", his chin "scrotum", and his cheeks
revealed several anatomically correct crude pictures. The rest of his
body
was no different. Even his wang was labeled "wang, handle with care".
The
tattoes were the result of years of drinking and passing out first with
the
Highly Irregulars. Though Terry carried them with pride.
The Highly Irregulars borded flight 357 without incident and flew south
to Mexico. Somewhere over the Rio Grande they struck. Sam got up from
his
seat and head towards the back of the plan towards the bathroom, he
quickly
reached out towards the two Mexican Air Marshals at the back of the plane,
his sombraro bouncing ferociously on his head. Two crunches later, their
necks lolled onto their chests and they slumped dead in their seats.
Terry
drew the .38 special he had hidden in his asshole and broke into the cabin
of the airplane, shooting the pilots dead and taking over control of the
plan. The passengers were stunned and Sam proceeded to snap the wrists,
fingers, and elbows of any passengers who gave him so much as a dirty
glance. This was not a plane full of innocent civilians. This plane
contained elements of "El Secreto" the Mexican Intelligence Agency along
with Mexican and Eskimo diplomats and government agents. Sam began
searching the passengers and snapping the necks of any who resisted or
were
found to be armed.
Kelly meanwhile had opened up her carry-on baggage and produced a
television camera and satellite dish. She assembled the gear and turned
it
on, instantly every television channel in Mexico and the Eskimo Empire
picked up the signal and broadcast the hijacking for all to see. She
lowered her head, raised her eyes, and sneered into the camera and into
the
faces of the Mexican and Eskimo viewing public. "Vagina," she said
"vagina,
vagina, vagina. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, we the Highly Irregular
Intelligence Operations Officers of Colonel Helmet's vagina Highly
Irregulars have seized control of flight vagina 357. Your cause will
fail,
your hope will vanish, and your faith will dissapear when Mary does not
appear in your buritto or the Great Whale God does not manifest in your
Ice
Cream. Your effort is in vagina vain. You shall never conquer the United
vagina States of America. Don't tread on us." With that, the signal
broke
off. The people of Mexico and the Eskimo Empire gasped and watched the
unfolding news coverage.
The plane veered towards Mexico City. It soon became clear to the
news
helicopters and general viewing public where the plane was headed. Terry
was flying it straight towards the Presidental Palace of Mexican President
Piso Mojado, the tallest building in the world. Which contained the
headquarters for all essential Mexican military and intelligence matters.
Seconds before the plane struck, three figures and a large crate fell out
of
a hole blown in the side of the plane (later analysis found the hole was
created by a incredibly powerful kick, most likely the work of
Stellpflug).
Parachutes on the three figures and the crate were deployed and they
sailed
gently to the ground as flight 357 slammed into the Presidential Palace.
The 487 storey building trembled, shuddered and fell to the ground.
On the ground, in the heart of Mexico city, the three Highly Irregular
Clandestine Operations Officers, after detaching their parachutes, climbed
onto their Highly Irregular Clandestine Escape Harley Davidson Motorcyle.
Terry drove, Kelly sat on the handle bars, and Sam road in the side car
wearing a pink safety helmet and clapping his large hands. They headed
north at 130 miles per hour for the Rio Grande, jubliant with their
success.
And all of Mexico and all of the Eskimo Empire, were gripped with fear.
Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
Home/Explaination