:{)

Mustache Mania

January 1^st 1999

SPECIAL 10^th Edition

Welcome to the second season of Mustache Mania. I would like to take this moment to thank all the people who contribute to Mustache Mania. This newsletter would not be possible with out you guys and girls!

This Issue contains a new section "What's your Beef?". We also have like always Name that Song, Adventures Of Mustache Man, an Editorial and much much more!

ADVENTURES OF MUSTACHE MAN:

Welcome Mustache fans. I had a hell of a week this week. It all started as i was flying over the poluted sky of Hamilton, And then I saw him. At first I thought Shaggy was trying to learn how to fly. But as I flew closer there he was. It was the professor from "Gilligan's Island". In an experiment that went wrong, the proffesor turned into a mad man!! He was trying to be Batman by wearing a black molded rubber suit...that made his body look so scranny...like a 8 year old kid wearing his Dad's suit. Well anyways the crazy professor was about ready to jump and test out his gliding ability. Just by looking at his popcycle-sticks and plastic bag wings, I knew he would be unable to fly. I was less than 5 feet away when he jump!! I stopped just intime befor I hit the highrise across the street. I swoopped down and caught the professor less than 2 inches from him hitting the ground. I set him on his feet and asked him what the hell he was doing. He responed "I am Batman's evil twin I am here to kill all good do'ers!!". Just as i was ready to lay the smack down on him Jennifer Love Hewitt came running up and gave me the biggest hug. "Ohh Mustache Man my hero!!" she yells to me. Then she tells me that the Professor is her grandfather and about his lab experiment and how it went wrong. So i gave the professor some of my special secret home brew that snapped him right out of it. Then Jennifer Love Hewitt asked me back to her place for some something something. But i had to decline because of the fact I had planned a prior engagement with Neve Cambel. But then Jennifer insisted she went along...she said that Neve would not have a problem with that. I pondered that thought and agreed, sure enough Neve had no problem with that and well I had the most amazing...well you'll have to buy the video...

Things that piss me off:

people who cannot spell................Arnita

This damn program doesn't have an auto save...I just lost 3 outta the 4 hours i just spent working on this..."r"......Ben

ya wanna know what pisses me off? heh     Happy people, sad people, green people, mad people, orange people, red people, white people, dead people.  I met this kid named louie lou, who thought he could fuck with this voodoo, so I turned his head into a lima bean and then flicked it off his shoulders.  Another shit talker like the last, so I launched a fireball up his punk ass....and everyone heard him squeal.....THIS VOODOO SHITS FOR REAL!!  And listen to this shit...this really pissed me off at the time... I walked into town, and to the officer's place, he opened up the door and SHOT ME IN THE FACE!!  It blew me off the porch, cracked my head in half.....but I'm a voodoo master, so it only made me laugh.  Axe in hand, I rose from the dead, and threw with all my might and made a thunk noise in his head.  Since we were down south, I grabbed a shotgun, and blew his fucking tongue out the back of his cranium.  Ya know what also pissed me off......cukoo..........cukoo............CUKOO!!!!!!!!                                                                                        ICP's in da houze ;)                                                                                           Peace to ya'll                                                                                            (V)ePHiSTo

Inresponse to Arnita's e-mail about people who can't spell. I am assuming that you are reffering to this newsletter, if not I am sorry, but here is my explaination anyways. I must say that this stupid program does not have a spell check. Also when i type my fingers move faster than my brain

Drinks!!.......by Captain Rat

Cherry Coke.

Cherry or Berry MD 20/20, or Manishewitz if you're really poor. Coca Cola Classic.

Get a good-sized glass, and fill half with booze, half with coke. Goodbecause it tastes good, and gets you pretty ripped if you have enough,and doesn't cost much either. Probably good with Cherry pucker, but ihaven't had the money lately.. :) Happy New Year..:)

Name That Song...

Before i get into this weeks Name that song. I would like to send out a special thanks you to Jessica. She recently reported to me that I incorrectly posted how many correct answers she has todate. She has 2 correct answers not 3. Thanks Jessica you get an official Mustache Mania Gold Star :{)

The answer to last week's name that song was "In The Meantime" by Spacehog. The lyrics to this week's is:

"...I don't wanna have to shout it out; i don't want my hair to fall out; I don't wanna be filled with doubt; I don't wanna be a good boy scout; I don't wanna have to learn to count; i don't wanna have the biggest amount...."

HINT

The music video I think is kinda funny, has a guy dressed up in a devil suit riding a trycycle. He also plays his little guitar under a table in a café style resturant.

STANDINGS:

Jessica and Shirley are tied in first with 2 correct answers, followed by a tie with 1 correct answer, One Legg'id man and Captain Rat.

As you all can see the leaders only have 2 correct answers so it's not too late to start playing, still anyone can win!

Editorial.......By Ben

Pornography. What is the appeal? I have two possible answers to this question. First I must say that this is coming from a straight male's perspective.

My first thought on the appeal of pornography is that men like it or enjoy it so much because their sex life is no existant and do not get to see naked women on a regular basis. especially for younger people like you teens ages 8 to 16 who are courious.

My second thought, I feel a little more stronger. When I was younger and my parents were watching a movie that had some nudity...not pornographic...they would make my brother and i leave the room, or if it was just a short clip of a topless woman walking by, we would have to turn our heads. My point is that atleast for me, my parents along with society has said how bad pornography is. So my thought is, are people so into porno because it is partially not acceptable by society? Is it because you feel like a rebel by looking pornographic material or going to the strip club?

There is still one thing that confuses me. Society dictates the norms that we live by and for the ones who don't follow the norms are considered "rebels" but if society is so against pornography, how is the adult entertainment business one of the largest money makers in society today?

If you have an Editorial about this topic or anything else please send it to mustachemania@hotmail.com

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

Interesting but useless facts:

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has ever memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens in the world than people.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the American $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps blood out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, thus ranking #1 for 'animal having the most taste buds.'

The flea can jump 350 times its body length; that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

Sayings that should be on buttons...from Mary

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.

24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

25. And just how may I screw you over today?

26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

The following was post on the negz.com board. I thought it was kinda funny, yet true that we loose sight of what we really want when there are so many things in life to confuse us. There was no name attached to it.

GROWING UP:

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no
passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got
excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some
excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was
so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits

Please feel free to submit anything you would like publised, an editorial, a great adventure for Mustache Man, usless facts, a story you wrote absolutely anything. Please send all coments or submissions to mustachemania@hotmail.com all i ask that you remember to put a name or handle on your work so i give proper and correct credit to you. Thanks

this has been a Mustache Mania Production. All mustache names, logos and products are owned and copy righted by Mustache Inc ©1998, 1999