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Mustache Mania

March 3^rd1999

Thirteenth Edition

Hello Mustache fans. My applogizes for not having an issue out for a few weeks. I have been busy with school, elections, searching for money in the couch cushions etc. This issue is packed with a new Adventures of Mustache Man, A few Stories written by Ben, Funny Stuff, and lots lots more. so stay tuned!

Adventures of Mustache Man...

Last week I was on spring break so i was back in good 'ol Stratford Ontario. While I was there I was just minding my own business when I heard the shreek of a young woman. I looked around and couldn't see anyone in trouble. I stopped for a second then started to walk on when i heard it again. I jumped into the back seat of some car and put my "froot of the loom" over top of my trousers, and flew out hi above the city streets. I thought that an eagle eye view would help me. But I still couldn't see where the shreeks for help were coming from. I decided to take a look from ground level again I ran up and down the streets, then, suddenly, I saw Big Biff, He was raping Tuxedo Mask in one ally's. It was Tuxedo's screams that i had heard. I ran over to Big Big kicked him in the head a few times till he was out cold. Sunndely out of no where Rico came and hit me on the head with a steel pipe. I punched him in his steel pipe and he was gone for good. I then helped Tuxedo up and then Jennifer Love Hewitt came running out of the store across the street. She started hugging me saying that i am her hero and all that cool stuff. We then went back to her place and...well buy the video or the book narated on cassette tape. "You'll know it is time to turn the page when you hear Jennifer Love Hewitt...i'd better stop there...Till next time Mustache Fans so long!

Editorial...By Ben

It's quite obvious that some people do not get along with others at Negz.com chat. People have been stating their opinions, giving suggestions etc. Well I have a story to tell you.

I work in a bar back home, I see all the shit that goes on there. I have broken up and gotten involved in many fights there. Most fights are caused because some one looked at someone's girlfriend or looked at someone the wrong way. Well how is a guy to know that a girl has a boyfriend if he doesn't talk to her. Well is what i am getting at, People no-a-days have no tolenance for other people. If people would just put up with other people even for just a few minutes. most of the fights would not happen. If people would just take two seconds to stop and think befor they say something to somebody especially if it's going to be insulting then things will more than likely calm down. People will act like assholes, say insulting things, so basically is what i am saying, have some tolerance, don't let little things bother you and ignor nasty comments. And for people cause shit calm down and behave!

Name that song...

The correct answer to the last Name That Song was "Like a rolling stone" writen by Bob Dylan....also remade by The Rolling Stones. One Legg'id Man had the only correct response.

Lyrics for this week:

"Saying 'i love you' Is not the words I want to hear from you It's not that I want you not to say But if you only knew; How easy It would be to Show me how you feel..."

Good luck, Send all answers to mustachemania@hotmail.com please be sure to include your name/handle and the Issue number.

What constitutes an asshole...

Part two

26.If you park in the middle of a two way street to talk with one of your buddies in the opposite lane, and therefore block traffic...you are an asshole!

27.If you don't support your local sports teams until they start to win lots of games...you are an asshole!

28.If you drive drunk...you are an asshole!

29.If you think you are better than everyone else 'cause you've got more money than them...you are an asshole!

30.If you smoke in a non-smoking section...you are an asshole!

31.If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair...you are an asshole!

32.If you think welfare is an occupation...you are an asshole!

33.If you take more than 10 items into the "10 items or less" express lane at the supermarket...you are an asshole!

34.If you don't shower and stink and smell like shit...you are an asshole!

35.If you complain about your weight problem and still eat at McDonalds...you are an asshole!

36.If you go to the crapper for over an hour and don't use an air freshener...you are an asshole!

37.If you send chain letters of any kind...you are an asshole!

38.If you drive in the centre of the lane at 20km's below the speed limit...you are an asshole!

39.If you channel surf while others are trying to watch tv...you are an asshole!

40.If you complain about the price of gas, yet drive a car that gets eight miles per gallon...you are an asshole!

41.If you drive around the city limits with your bright lights on all the time because "you be cool"...you are an asshole!

42.If you drive without buckling up your kids...you are an asshole!

43.If you visit someone's home and leave hair all over the soap...you are an asshole!

44.If you call for a pizza,tell the guy to hold, then ask what everybody wants...you are an asshole!

45.If you put your makeup on while driving...you are an asshole!

46.If you don't turn off your beeper during class...you are an asshole!

47.If you blast your horn at the driver in front of you a split second after the light turns green...you are an asshole!

48.If you loudly entertain the whole bus with your boom box...you are an asshole!

49.If you don't bother to update the links to your own homepage...you are an asshole!

50.If you leave something floating in the bowl in a public restroom...you are an asshole!

51.If you stay in the movie theater while your baby screeches his head off...you are an asshole!

52.If you piss all over the toilet seat in a public restroom and don't have the common courtesy to wipe it off...you are an asshole!

53.If you yell at people on t.v. to do something even though you know they can't hear you...you are an asshole!

54.If you make a list of what constitutes an asshole...you are an asshole!

55.If you wear a team jersey and know nothing about the team or sport...you are an asshole!

56.If you hire someone and pay them minimum wage and then work them like a dog, flick them shit and ride their back every minute of every day...you are an asshole!

57.If you trick others into drinking diarrhea mixed with milk by telling them it is chocolate milk...you are an asshole!

58.If you complain about others that drive just like you...you are an asshole!

59.If you pull up to a red light and wait for it to turn green before switching on your blinker...you are an asshole!

60.If you put this list on your homepage and remove the copyright not only are you stealing and taking credit for something that is not yours but...you are an asshole!

61.If you sign someones guestbook telling him what an asshole he is, yet you are too chicken shit to reveal your name or e-mail address...you are an asshole!

62.If you have a lame homepage that takes forever to download because you have cheesy music and way too many graphics...you are an asshole!

63.If you write "U" instead of "you," or "sux" instead of "sucks," or "klik" instead of "click"...you are an asshole!

Funny Story...Sent in by Sara

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When hegoes to the front door the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what there planning to do. Bobby repliespolitely that they will probably go to the soda shopor a movie.Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go outand screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, sohe asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah ," says Carrie's dad," our Carrie loves to screw.She'd screw all night if we let her!"Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his planfor the evening is beginning to look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready togo. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escortsher out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into thehouse, slams the door behind her, and screams at herfather, "DAMIT DADDY IT'S CALLED THE!!!!!!!TWIST!!!!!!!

Funny stuff...

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. Bill Cosby

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. Henny Youngman

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. George Burns

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

It's a whole different way of thinking. Elaine Boosler

People are always asking couples, whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century, for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. Erma Bombeck

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A real trooper!...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"> Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

This wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and said, "Bud."

Do you have something to say? do you have an editorial, a resonse to an editorial? Or do you have a funny story, good jokes or anything at all you want to have published in Mustache Mania? if so please send any articles etc. to mustachemania@hotmail.com please be sure to include your name and or handle, and if you are responding to a particluar story please incluse the issue number thanks.

People have been asking me about my different handles, well here's the story behind them. Mead was my first handle. I was in highschool grade 12 or OAC, pretty sure it was grade 12. I went into rockweb for the first time and needed a handle. I looked all around the room for an idea. I saw on my 5-star day planner that it was made by "mead" and that's the story. Bill came from when one day i was imp'ing Glenn. I guess Glenn had been imp'ed alot or something, but in the end we got along quite well. So I told Glenn that if some one ever starts imp'ing him just to say "Hi Bill" and I would resond if it was me imp'ing him. I was off line for a while and when i came back I used 9Inch (or sometimes when Luke was around I'd use Troy McClure) 9inch handle is a long story and won't get into that. ":{)" came into effect when I noticed people always posting ":)" so I thought i'd make a little modification. And that was when MUSTACHE MAN was born. Mustache Mania was born shortly after when I asked a trivia question in rockweb. The prize was a free subscription to Mustachemania. People liked the newsletter, a while later I created the second edition. When Negz created Negz.com Sheik and Negz thought it would be cool to have this published on a regular basis. I was more than happy to comply. so here we are.

Opinions expressed in Mustache Mania are not necessarily those of Mustache Mania. Mustache Mania is a newsletter for people to express their opinion and is not subject to censorship with the exception of any and all hate material. thanks

Mustache Mania is the official newsletter of Negz.com