Fun With Bloodletting

What IS bloodletting? - Bloodletting is the opening of a vein to remove blood. Long ago, bloodletting was used for medical purposes. They figured that the sickness of the patient was located in the blood, so taking the bad blood out would make the person well again. Those theories have been proven false

If those theories are false, then why DO you do it? - Recreation.

Anyone I know involved in bloodletting? - Oh of course. The question SHOULD have been, "Anyone I know NOT involved in bloodletting?" My recent personal studies show that 89% of the World Population lets blood on a weekly basis. Bloodletting trading cards, clubs, and competitions are widely popular throughout the United States and Japan.

The Guide to Bloodletting

1) Equipment
2) The process
3) Troubleshooting
4) Fun Things to Bleed on

1. Equipment

To start in blood letting, you must have the vital tools necessary to make your experience as enjoyable and clean as possible. We suggest that you have the following

A) A scalpel or other sharp object
B) Clean towels
C) A spare packet of blood and an Emergency Blood Transfusion Kit (Just in case you get too carried away)
D) Band-Aids

Of course the towels, transfusion kit, and Band-Aids can be left out, but the sharp object is pretty necessary in order to draw blood.

2. The Process

The process of bloodletting can be categorized into several easy to follow steps.

Step 1: Grab your scalpel or other sharp object
Step 2: Hold it next to the desired area for bloodletting
Step 3: Press on skin firmly with sharp object.
Step 4: While still pressing firmly with object, pull the sharp object along your skin to make the cut as large as you like
Step 5: Have Fun! Be sure to roll up your sleeves so that no excess blood gets on your shirt. If you start to feel dizzy, make sure you pass out with your cut facing up, so that your carpet isn't soiled.

Clean up is just as easy. Take your towel, and wipe it swiftly across the gaping hole you made in your skin. Apply as many Band Aids as necessary.

3. Troubleshooting

Here are a few questions we have gotten from bloodletters across the world.

It's been 5 weeks since I let blood from my arm. The cut isn't healing. My arm is beginning to hurt very much, and I think I've lost quite a bit of blood as I can't move anything but my fingers anymore. I think I need stitches. What can I do? -Josh B, Maryland

Well Josh, I'm no doctor, but I CAN tell you that stitches are NOT necessary. All you need is a bottle of ordinary Elmer's Glue. Take the glue bottle and fill up your wound with it. Cover it until it dries. Try not to move the arm too much for a few days.

The only scalpel I have is this rusty one I found on a New Jersey beach, is that ok? - Mary K. Wisconson

Mary, Is the scalpel sharp? If yes, it's perfectly fine to use the scalpel. Rust isn't dangerous, it just gives you a nice new texture to play with. Enjoy!

If you have any bloodletting questions, send them to ME!

4. Fun Things to Bleed on

In my many years of letting blood, I've found it particularly fun to bleed on certain objects. Below is a list of what I have found delightful to bleed on...

1) Any food. I find it especially fun to add a little home made sauce to mom's fried chicken by bleeding thoroughly over every piece when no one's looking. They all love it and beg me for my recipe.

2) Animals. Animals love the warm wet feel of blood dripping on their fur, and they, like my family, love the taste as well. Give your pet a nice treat today!

3) Walls. I've found that bleeding on walls by shaking the cut limb around spastically adds a very nice design to bare white walls.

4) The swimming pool. Plain old blue colored water is boring. Adding a dash of crimson is very well accepted by all pool-goers.