I love collecting quotes. I have a lot of them that I find here on the net, but I can't use those, so I'm collecting my own.
Maybe you had to be there for these to be funny, I don't know. I just write them down every once in awhile. I hope you can enjoy these. If not, sorry.
"Is your phone number in the book?"
"No, I have it."
"No, I'm a heart-throb and a sweet thing, so I've been told."
"Did you fart?"
"No, I'm just drying my eagle."
"Do you have 20/20 hindsight?"
"Somewhat, in one eye especially."
"I'm not a potato but I eat them when I order fries."
"Join the club, we're all crappy."
-Pastor during a sermon
"Shut up! You can shower later."
-Friend to me while dying my hair
"It's my brain that's driving me nuts."
"If the shoe fits, don't go home barefoot."
"Give me a carrot, my hands are about to get dirty."
"The English king isn't Jewish, he's English."
"Santa will be very disappointed if he can't bring you that on Christmas." - Mother in a toy store
"Don't blow smoke up my ass, you'll ruin my autopsy."
- Anthony Hopkins in "Meet Joe Black"
"I feel that my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere
at once."
-Prince Henry in "Ever After"
"If a man speaks in a forest, and there's no woman there to hear
him, is he still wrong?"
-"Revelation"
"If God didn't want us to eat animals, He shouldn't have made them
out of meat."
-"Revelation"
"Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark."
-"Revelation"
"Shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, then when everyone's
dead, try to ask a question."
- "Wild Wild West" Pres. Grant
"If you prick me, do I not leak?"
-- Data in The Naked Now (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
"I ought to take this opportunity to remove my ears."
-- Captain Picare in Unification
"Welcome to the afterlife Jean-Luc. You're dead."
-- Q in Tapestry
"Please spare me your egotistical musings on your pivotal role in
history."
-- Q in Tapestry
"Congratulations. You are fully dialated to 10 cm. You may now give
birth."
-- Worf in Disaster
"There will always be another headless corpse, but true love only
comes around once."
-- Perry White in Ordinary People (Lois & Clark)
"We're about as in sync as the English in a Japanese horror film."
--Lois Lane in Just Say Noah