The Search for the Hundredth JAMmer Ends With Mr. Chris (The Babe) Spellman

Mr. Spellman, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Babe Ruth, made his first JAM appearance on June 24, 2000, and, like the legendary Sultan of Swat, he had an immediate impact both on the mound and in the batters box. The Babe (as he is affectionately known) pitched the fifth complete game in the history of The JAM to earn the 10-9 win for the Patches, and he went 1-for-4 at the plate. His hustle was never more evident than when he dove for a pop fly in the bottom of the second inning. ("I wasn't diving for that ball," he admitted later. "I fell.")

Throughout the years the eccentric Mr. Spellman has piqued the attention of many JAM participants, and he has made many of them uneasy with his notoriously incisive wit and wisdom. No topic was too taboo for The Babe, as he had no qualms about commenting on their physical appearance, mental aptitude, or sexual orientation. At some point or another he has referred to most of them, either collectively or individually, as sissies, idiots, wastes of space, losers, doofuses, and outright homosexuals. (We will not delve into his accuracy here.) He saved his most bitter wrath for Jer Silkowski, who eventually became too afraid to enter the house.

No brief description could do justice to a man of such singular legend. To understand his true essence, it is necessary to spend a day in his shoes.

4 A.M. -- While most of the east coast is still in bed, The Babe rouses himself from slumber and peruses four different daily newspapers (New York Times, Daily News, Gannett's Journal News, and the New York Post) to keep himself abreast of important happenings on the local, national and world stages. When asked why he wakes up so early, Mr. Spellman simply replied, "Because that's when it's quiet."

6 A.M. -- With the 23-year-old feline Pebbles now out of the picture, he takes a bag filled with dirty clothes and does a load of laundry.

6:30 A.M. -- Takes some form of meat from the freezer and proceeds to cook it.

8 A.M. -- Hops in his car and puts on his special "Babe Vision" sunglasses. Drives to the Bronx County Criminal Courthouse, where he turns his attention to serving justice as a public defender by putting a variety of alleged, but unjustly accused, muggers, drug dealers, rapists, arsonists, and murderers back on the streets of the Bronx.

Noon -- After a taxing day of plea bargaining and wishing his clients a fond adieu until he again represents them after they're busted for their next offense a week later, he returns home. The Babe then does another load of laundry, and assiduously listens to WFAN radio in the hopes of winning a clock radio, or tickets to a mid-week Mets-Expos game.

2 P.M. -- Begins reading one of the five books he will read that week.

3 P.M. -- Cooks a different type of meat.

5:15 P.M. -- Bargain hunting!!! With a keen eye for value and an insatiable desire for a bargain, Mr. Spellman uses this time to find things that most people don't want, for the cheapest price possible. His biggest scores include getting four tickets to a Nets-Celtics game for $10 worth of canned goods, a left handed coffee mug made for people with mustaches (Mr. Spellman is a clean-shaven righty), and developing a ploy to get free admission to the picnic area at Shea by showing up with a can of Pepsi (again, only for meaningless mid-week games against the Expos.) The Babe most vividly demonstrated this attribute of his personality upon learning that he was the 100th JAMmer, when he asked, "Do I get anything for that?"

7:30 P.M. -- Dinner time: a chance to eat all the meat that has been roasting throughout the day, and to ridicule his son Chris for his daily misfortunes. If he's particularly lucky he will have a dinner guest, or his mother-in-law, available to exchange quips with.

8:15 P.M. -- Does final load of wash.

8:30 P.M. -- Sits in basement listening to somber Irish music about battles fought (and mostly lost) hundreds of years ago. With a tear in his eye, he drinks a pint of Guinness.

9 P.M. -- Watches part of the Mets game. / Goes to bed.

Despite his many accomplishments, opinion about Mr. Spellman remains mixed.

"He's truly a modern day Renaissance man," Chris Crowley remarked. "An amazing individual."

These sentiments were echoed by Mike Campoli: "He's extremely well-read and well-rounded. An excellent athlete. Can cook a mean leg of lamb. What more is there to say?"

However, the younger Spellman disagreed.

"He's just a bitter old man with a big noggin," Spel said.

All opinions aside, though, and the truth remains that, after all these years, Mr. Spellman is the 100th JAMmer.

lordtwon@yahoo.com