The JAM

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to The JAM. Caution: The JAM may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. The JAM contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use The JAM on concrete. Discontinue use of The JAM if any of the following occurs: itching; vertigo; dizziness; tingling in extremities; loss of balance or coordination; slurred speech; temporary blindness; profuse sweating; heart palpitations. If The JAM begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. The JAM may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, The JAM should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves The JAM, The JAM Committee, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of The JAM include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. The JAM has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt The JAM. The JAM comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Picture of the Lord Twon JAM Cup
The Lord Twon JAM Cup
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BLASTERS FORFEIT 1995 JAM

Ineligible enigma forces vacation of second title

YONKERS, N.Y. (April 1, 2005) -- The Ghettoblasters franchise forfeited the Prime Time JAM Friday, 10 years after the fact, after team officials learned they had used an illegal player.

Officials would not reveal the name of the ineligible player, but INS sources said the man in question was Outback Sven, who entered the 1995 JAM as an injury replacement.

The sources say Sven's real name is Abd Al-Rauf Majadin El Shukrijumah, a Tunisian native labeled a "person of interest" by the FBI.

Sven should be considered armed, dangerous and not Irish, stressed FBI spokesman Tom Adams.

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ReyRey Sanchez, JAM Committee, Supercuts reach cross-promotional deal

Turk's a Blaster!

Wendell signs free-agent contract

TURK! WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. (April 1, 2005) -- Declaring he was going to need a June Saturday off anyway, Major League Baseball pitcher Turk Wendell signed with the Blasters Thursday.

Terms were not disclosed to the public. That The JAM is a slow-pitch game was not disclosed to Wendell.

"I'm excited to be a Blaster, and I can't wait to get there and get in and pitch," the eccentric right-hander said.

Wendell, whom JAM Committee members tried to recruit as the 100th JAMmer in 2000, counts as one of the Blasters' two free agents.

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New Cup on the horizon?

Andrusco needs three weeks to implement design

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. (April 1, 2005) -- Fearful that The Lord Twon JAM Cup's current design has become obsolete, JAM Special Projects chairman Rob Andrusco unveiled a new undertaking Thursday that will make the trophy the largest in the world.

The twin 1,500-foot spires would dwarf all other trophies, including the current three-foot-tall Cup.

"I need at least three weeks to get this done," Andrusco said, displaying a photo of his 75-foot-tall prototype. "Well, maybe four."

The new Cup would rise up from a specially built sub-tropical setting, utilizing cheap land available in an undisclosed location. The trophy would allow plenty of room for the names of its champions for years to come.

Even if teams got nuts and made their names bigger, or moronically added the names of their family members and friends and pets, there would still be room to keep adding teams to the Cup until at least 2020.

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unveiling

LL Cool J to The JAM?

(April 1, 2005) -- Though official word has not come down yet, it appears rapper LL Cool J might attend the 2005 JAM. Close analysis of a recent broadcast speech seems to indicate J's intentions to visit Cook Field and possibly join the Blasters.

"Don't you call this a regular JAM," the performer said, "I'm gonna rock this land. I'm gonna take this itty-bitty world by storm -- and I'm just getting warm."

JAM officials were mum Thursday on the possibility.

In the boastful, occasionally menacing speech, J credited his "Mama" with the idea of knocking out the JAM crowd with his skills. He said he was "blastin'," perhaps laying plain a desire to join Chris Crowley's team.

With Turk Wendell's signing Thursday, the Blasters have one free agent spot open. JAM experts speculate Crowley wouldn't cut loose both Licht brothers, even for J.

Crowley could not be reached for comment.

Some of J's statements appeared patently false. For instance, although this would be his first JAM, he inexplicably declared he has been a regular attendee.

"Don't call it a comeback; I been here for years," the Queens native said at the beginning of his tirade, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

What would J bring to The JAM? "Destruction, terror and mayhem," he said.

In closing, the 37-year-old performer made like an athlete and credited his faith.

"I gotta thank God," J said, "'cause he gave me the strength to rock HARD."


Carr sues The JAM for back royalties

"How come you all can build an event on my name, and I don't get anything out of it?"

So said former NBA star Antoine Carr on Wednesday as he filed suit against The JAM Committee in United States District Court, demanding $775,823 plus interest and future damages for the use of his name.

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Carr headshot
Antoine Carr

The 2008 JAM is scheduled for June 21, 2008.

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lordtwon@yahoo.com

The JAM: I pity the April Fool!