outdoor

Captain Ian Richardson has gone straight to the Press with an incredible story of how a "routine" appendectomy turned into a science fiction nightmare:

"The pain in my stomach was unbelievable, after a routine examination by Dr. Lewis I was told to go home and have a nice hot meal with my family...it was at the meal that I keeled over in intense pain...my chest ripped open and this alien popped out (see picture I quickly snapped below) with the cherry pie I was eating all over it."

"I was then whisked away where a surgeon took a knife to my stomach and removed the being . When I woke up I was told everything was fine and that the "appendectomy" was a success. No one mentioned the alien or the cherry pie..so I was very confused. I spent the weekend in a "facility" and was released last night. I know what I saw and the picture is the evidence...you decide..."

An FBSFC spokesman has stated that he thinks Ian made up the story to avoid being fined for missing practices and games. A full investigation is expected and charges may be laid.

Soccer : "Good Way To Sweat Out A Hangover"

Ian Richardson: "I want to marry Posh Spice just like David Beckham. They look so cute together"

Mark Rattray: "If I get just a little bit better I can play for Motherwell (although I'll have to take a pay cut)".

Justin McCarthy: "I have to do something..I can't go back to Newfoundland EVERY summer!"

Sean Rice: "my dream is to be put on long term disability, drive a motorized cart and wear a Muumuu"

Barney Hill started with FBSFC this summer and played all three games in the "Kick's for Cancer" tournament. Barney was offered a job with the big club after he was seen smoking on the sidelines between shifts during our tournament. During his first practice with FBSFC he bruised his femur while trying to take down a hobbling Sean Rice and then proceeded to lie down for most of the practice - only getting up if the ball came near - we immediately new he was right for the team.

Barney's lack of fitness and desire for fried foods, cigarettes and beer have made him very popular among his fellow players - although his admission to the team has raised our team life insurance premiums. Barney has successfully found that fine balance of being slighly overweight - yet still able to move enough on the field not to look too silly..this balance obviously does not run in the family as his younger brother John uses an "old person cart" to get around.

Sean Nejat is making a strong case for his desire to become FBSFC's on field enforcer. "Mon Ami, I take no shit ... if you kick me in the shin..I'll kick you right back, tabernac!" Nejat angrily stated.

Nejat's recent bad humor at practice had led the rest of the team to treat him with kid gloves while he has the ball. "He just scares me...he starts talking to me and I don't know what he is saying..that's weird"Steve Sexton admitted after one of his slide tackles.

The worst case started as Barney Hill slightly mistimed his tackle on Nejat. Nejat wagged his finger at Hill and said something like "take it easy, it's only practice". Hill was visibly shaken after the incident. "I knew that when he didn't call me "Mon Ami" that I was really in for it - luckily cooler heads prevailed and we kept playing".

A few FBSFC members shared their dietary "secrets of success" at a preseason news conference on Friday:

Mark Rattray added: "To become a real FBSFC player It's all about improvisation , to keep at my "fighting weight" I substitute the following: beer for water, I also use slices of bacon instead of lettuce in my salads and I substitute slices of sausage for tomato."

Sean Rice volunteered the following..."I try to move as little as possible to conserve calories, and during meal time I really try to pack it on. If the top of my pants isn't curled down due to my protruding stomach..well then I just haven't eaten enough."

Steve Sexton who has lost weight, quickly pointed out that "I've lost all of the goodness in my body, all that's left is the crap that makes me a real FBSFCer.

Brian Warren says that he knows he's in fighting shape when he starts sweating while he eats a sandwich.

Oh, British Breakfast you give me peace

from your fried tomato to your left over grease

Sausages of pork meat and minced bone

Eating like a king on a reinforced throne

Here comes the skillet, the bread, and finally the beans

my eyes water as the table leans

Eggs over easy, scrambled or well done

Who ever thought eating was such fun?

I think of you Sundays while I'm on the field

When I smell your bacon, I always yield

Oh British Breakfast may you always be

The Fat that is found in all of FBSFC!

In Friday's game Sean Rice completed his comeback from a broken leg when he scored on a feed from Kieron Hoare to give FBSFC an early lead. The team hung on with desperate defending for the rest of the game until the Lavery Lizards tied it with a minute remaining. Mark Temple and Jez Fletcher starred in midfield with Mark Rattray anchoring the defense. Jez was the most vocal player on the pitch and showed no fear in dressing down the opposing team or his own teammate's for that matter. Luckily, this was not "Survivor" or Jez would have been "first off the Island" despite his brilliant play.

John DeSantis had two great chances in the second half - even managing to get his large frame off the ground to head a cross on goal. But goaltending was great at both ends with Ron Nolet playing very well. The best chance to put the game away fell to the boot of Steve Sexton, who promptly "ballooned" his shot 50 feet over the net (we think he may have heard his cell phone ringing just as he was aiming -and got distracted). Brian Warren played very well, although he nearly cut an opposing player in half with a "mistimed" tackle. Brian quickly apologized for his clumsy challenge.

Despite giving up a late equalizer, FBSFC played an excellent game and the result was fair for both teams.

Saturday morning was tough. The team was very sore and slightly hung over from Friday night. Hurley Celtic were the defending tournament champions and had a couple of players from the semi-professional Ontario Soccer League...Surprisingly, at half time we were only down 2-1! Mike K. scored off a corner kick and Ron Nolet played great in goal. As the second half went on our legs tightened up and we started to panic a little...Celtic took advantage and ran up the score. On the bright side we were the only team to score against Celtic and we kept them close for over half the game.

A victory and we would have finished second in our division and gone into the semifinals! Holy SHIT! With 20 minutes left in the game it was still 0-0! Sean Rice had a good chance and just missed the net with a strike from 18 yards...but that was all the offense we could muster. Air Canada scored a controversial goal and then got a couple more as we lost heart near the end. Don Clendenning played very well in goal and the team defended well. We just didn't have enough left in us to mount any real attack. Player of the game was "skipper" Mark Rattray who played the whole game without coming off. To be honest, everyone on the team was quite happy not to be playing in the semi finals (it would have been the third game that day) so we went drinking instead.

Brian Warren, Mike Johnston, Mike K(?)*, Hal Huff*, Jez Fletcher*, John DeSantis, Barney Hill*, Kieron Hoare*,Mark Rattray*, Mark Temple*, Ian Richardson*, Sean Rice*, Steve Sexton*, Don Clendenning*, Justin McCarthy, Sean Nejat*, Ron Nolet*, Steve (?), Roy (kid rock?).

It's about time I received front page attention!
Official statement on behalf of his solicitor/agent:
Animosity is an evil cancer that is pervasive at FBSFC. On behalf of my client
Mr Richardson and FBSFC plc., we would like to disavow ourselves from the malicious rumours circulating that Mr Richardson has severed his ties with the
Club that his nurtured his great football talent. Mr Richardson is still under
contract and will continue to be, until which time the "Chairman" of FBSFC steps
down...

Speaking on his own behalf, Mr Richardson commented "I love the club. It is my
essence of being. I want to help the club sell new kits to the unwanted children
of Bath and Motherwell." Mr Richardson quickly made these comments before ducking out to attend a night on the town, with several women in tow.

There comes a time in every player's career when a decision has to be made. This is that time for Ian Richardson. Ever since I picked him out of a group of small starving children at the local orphanage and signed him under FBSFC's care we have tried to do the best for him. He wasn't the most skilled player..he had trouble kicking and running but we stuck with him.
During his long apprenticeship he worked hard cleaning the real players boots and bringing water. Most kids graduated from the apprentice program at aged fifteen, Ian stayed loyal and worked hard well into his twenty third year. He finally cracked the FBSFC senior squad after the "FBSFC Air Disaster of '98"..eight out of the starting eleven were killed and the whole junior team perished. This was Ian's chance and he took it. He has played one and a half non descript years with the big club and now has shown his true colours. By skipping training sessions and becoming a drunken nuisance to the public we have chosen to release Ian Richardson from FBSFC - he is free to sign anywhere he likes - but we assume he will be filing for the "dole" as soon as he reads this. Farewell Ian Richardson - we did everything we could for you but nothing short of a public apology will change our minds. Good bye!

THE CHAIRMAN

In a frightening accident the FBSFC bus overturned while on it's way to practice last night. "Everything was fine until Fowler, Rice, Warren and Rattray moved to one side of the bus .....it started rocking and then...it was just too much" the shaken Greyhound driver revealed.

"I just went over to grab a beer - it ended up being the last one and a scuffle started" admitted Rice.

Firefighters tried using the "jaws of life" to free the pinned team - but it was just too small. "How the hell am I supposed to fit through that little hole!" Rattray was heard screaming - still pinned.

"The four guys who tipped the bus landed on top of everyone else...we couldn't free anyone until those guys got out. We ended up using a two fork lifts and a back hoe to pull them out one by one." the Fire Chief revealed. "I've never seen anything like it".

Brian Warren has put his dog up for adoption after yet another "stoop and scoop" accident has left him doubtful for FBSFC's next game against The Oul Triangle.

"I have come to the realization that I can't "stoop" anymore. I can handle the "scooping" but the "stooping" is just not that easy". Warren admitted

""Stoop and Scoop" accidents have been on the rise in Ontario lately and Warren is just the latest casualty to come forward. We believe that there are many, many more victims out there but it is difficult to get them to admit it. Most men are embarrassed about this problem. It's sort of treated like a "bed wetting" or "impotence" problem among men." Dr. J. Gould stated.

FBSFC management has given the go ahead to "Big and Tall Outfitters" to come up with three versions of what may become the next FBSFC uniform.

"We've had our R&D team working around the clock on this one. FBSFC have some very "unusual" requirements that must be studied. Usually our clients to not want to "move around very much" ..so this is a challenge. The first step was to get three prototypical FBSFC members and use them in our lab, testing new materials and designs that may help get these big men moving on the pitch." announced Dr. Eldon Richards of Big and Tall.

Mr. Sean Fowler was asked to lend a hand for the first test in the "wind tunnel". Fowler tried on various materials and was asked to simulate "running" in the state of the art wind tunnel. Readings were then taken of wind movement and this information will help lower the resistance of any potential uniform. Brian Warren engaged in the "squatting" test where he had to do squats in various types of shorts. Need was immediately found for some type of absorbent lining in the shorts to prevent "accidents" and a one-size-fits-all waist band. Sean Rice was involved in the heat test where he wore various materials in a sauna for extended periods of time. He immediately wanted numbers that did not stick to his back and requested air holes in the arm pit area.

Many team members requested that the shirts be much larger and that "nipple chaffing" be reduced to a minimum. The final versions are not yet complete but will be ready for next season.

Although the "back pouch design provides an extra barrier against leakage" some members of FBSFC had trouble "competing" last Sunday with the "New and Improved" Depends "Guards for Men".

Sean Rice found that the new "elastic sides formed a cup-like shape for maximum protection and comfort " that added to his mobility.

Fowler sided with Clendenning claiming that the "side leakage barriers didn't help keep fluid inside and away from clothing."

Taco Bell have officially pulled out of sponsorship talks with FBSFC, it was announced today.

"We didn't ask for much...only free Bean Burritos at half time..but they wouldn't go for it. We still think we can pull out a deal with someone before our next friendly. "Rice announced.

"I'm personally upset because I like that little chiwawa..he's funny" added Brian Warren

"We have also ended our talks with Depends, as we really don't see the point anymore..it was sort of a package deal"

Rumors are rampant that FBSFC will sign with either 2-4-1 Pizza or The Mandarin buffett. Talks are on going.

FBSFC Scare: Jez Passes Drug Test .... FBSFC Victory Thought To Be In Jeopardy

"Apparently a member of FBSFC failed his Neodydolone urine test directly after the game. Neodydolone is a drug used to promote coordination and can quiken the reflexes. This result was quickly contradicted by a second test - which the player passed" Dr. Miles O'Meara announced at a news conference today.

"Side effects can show as loss of audible control resulting in the repeated yelling of a single saying. We became suspicious when we heard someone constantly yelling "JEZ'S BALL" during the game. Obviously we were mistaken." O'Meara added.

".....This evening after a second round of tests it seems that Jez has been cleared of any wrongdoing in this matter." Mr. O'Meara admitted. "It seems that we read the results incorrectly and Jez did not break any rules. Bogus test results can happen if a person uses some prescription drugs, apparently Jez has a repeat prescription for Viagara which may have skewed the results."

Sean Fowler has failed in his latest application with The Patent Office over his attempt to patent the "slide tackle" in soccer.

"Mr. Fowler has had our lawyers working overtime the last few weeks, he just keeps filing these stupid briefs!" patent lawyer Aurther Greenspan admitted.

"Well if I start patenting certain elements of the game of soccer than they can't be used against us." Fowler explained. He also tipped us that he is currently ready to file patent applications on "scoring", "passing" and "kicking".

In a press conference earlier today FBSFC's Dr. Hal Huff announced the filing of a lawsuit against UEFA over what he calls the "biased" banning of FBSFC in this years Euro2000 tournament.

"If Slovenia got in then we should be able to get in. They aren't a real country...have you ever met anyone from Slovenia?" Huff challenged.

Kiki the baboon selflessly volunteered to donate his heart to Kiekon of FBSFC. Kiekon required a transplant after playing Sunday's game and immediately after smoking 200 "Player's Special" cigarettes that he got duty free on the way back from Ireland last month.

"Mr. Kiekon's 29 year old heart is like that of an 85 year old...pure self neglect...disgusting." added Dr. H. Michaelson.

"Kiki is recovering well....the heart was a bit small and shriveled ... but it should support a small baboon such as Kiki.The only side effects seem to be the baboon's unquenchable thirst for Guinness and blood pudding."

After three months no offers have yet come in for Ian (superman) McLaughlin's FBSFC jersey on eBay. We had an offer a couple of weeks ago but it turned out to be a hoax - they offered to trade their 1979 Cadillac Seville (as is)...but no luck.

Some FBSFC memorabilia did move very fast on eBay. Sean Rice got $12.00 for his crutches, Mark Rattray sold his water bottle and Don Clendenning got $35.00 for his dentures.

The Ojibiwa tribe have shown support for FBSFC for not using an ethnic "nickname" for their team. "The Cleveland Indians, Chicago Blackhawks and Atlanta Braves have all been warned that we will be protesting their home games this year in opposition to their ethnically sensitive nicknames." a spokesman for the Ojibiwa indians stated.

The tribe has also adopted certain Ojibiwa names for some of the players on FBSFC, here are a few examples:

Dances With Beer Keg (Sean Fowler), Hands Like Bear (Mike Johnston), Little Big Belly (Sean Rice), Fish In Net (Ron Nolet) and Kicks Like Flamingo (Ian Richardson).

Caramelization (to convert or be converted into caramel) beat out Cryogenic Freezing in a close vote by FBSFC members on how to deal with their dead. "We've had so many accidents and injuries I felt we had to make some tough decisions. It will happen eventually." Sean Nejat stated.

With the demise of "Montreal Smoked Meat" and the slow phase out of "Calamari" Sexton has started to peruse the menus of local establishments in search of his next conquest.

"Well, I've done the deli thing and I'm not really in a seafood mode right now so that leaves pasta, chicken or side salads." Sexton revealed.

The nationwide FBSFC mascot search is nearing the end and the race is tight. The current favorites are:

FBSFC has given the "thumbs up" to Starbucks new "Frappuccino". The team is divided between the Chocolate Brownie
Frappuccino and Orange Mocha Chip Frappuccino "I just can't decide" Steve Sexton admitted.

"FBSFC has stuck a deal with Starbucks to use "Frappuccino's" exclusively on our bench. No more water or Gatorade - we think "Frappuccino" is the sports drink of the future which will give us an edge going into next season" an FBSFC spokesman announced.

Brian Warren has accepted the lead vocals role for the Spin Doctors "Haven't had Enough " tour. Chris Barron the former lead singer has left the band and decided to collect food stamps instead.

"I'm very excited, the tour starts off in Harlem and ends up at some street corner in Manhattan. I love New York" Warren stated.

Warren has apparently agreed to grow his goatee in time for the August pre-tour party at his house.

Fans and media alike where disgusted Sunday as Sean Fowler NOT Robbie Fowler showed up for training. Robbie is the striker from Liverpool Football Club and the English National side who is being shopped around to various teams and is expected to be sold for approx. 15 million english pounds. Sean works for The Body Shop.

FBSFC spokesman Sean Rice claimed it was all a mix-up. "We did not mislead anyone on purpose. We just announced that a Fowler with British roots would be playing this Sunday and that tickets were onsale. We are happy with Sean Fowler's performance and think that with some work on his mobility, kicking and fitness he will be a solid addition to our club".

"This Warren guy must be amazing" was the general murmur around FBSFC on Sunday as Brian Warren failed to show up for the 12th straight week raising everyone's expectation to an even higher level.

"For him to look you right in the eye and say he is coming and then not show up - he just must be a great player if management will put up with that crap" an excited member of FBSFC pointed out.

Using the newly proven scientifically radical problem solving method called "The Process Of Elimination" it has been determined that Hal Huff is the root of FBSFC's problems.

Putting Hal on any combination of teams with different players and every time Hal's team loses by a large margin. "Hal seems to play well but there is just something about him that we can't put our finger on that causes the losses". Dr. Austin McNamara added.

Hal has disputed the findings and has his doubts that "The Process of Elimination" actually works.