Leisure Palace


JoKeS

Twisted Conversation
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick

Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : I think you're pretty ugly.

Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?"

Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank "directors" are always highly paid.

Wet & Dry
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.
The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged! from the mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.
The doctor says, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom and died."
David replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry."

MaryLou
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him andswacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
He says, "What's that for this time?"
She answered, "Your horse called."

Truths About Girls
If you are nice to them, she says you are up to something,
If you aren't, she says you are arrogant,
If you wear nicely, she says you are trying to show off,
If you don't, she says you're kampung boy.

If you argue with her, she says you're ungentleman,
If you keep quiet, she says you have no guts,
If you are smarter than her, you'll lose you,
If she's smarter than you, you' have already lost her.

If you don't love her, she tries to woo you,
If you love her, she will try to ignore you,
If you kiss her, she says you're one hell of a listy guy,
If you don't kiss her, she says you're impotence.

If you tell her your problems, she says you're a problem child,
If you don't, she says you don't confide in her,
If you scold her, you're nasty to her,
If she scolds you, it's because she loves you.

If you break your promise, you're a liar,
If she breaks hers, it's circumstances,
If you smoke, you're a gangster,
If she smokes, it's a norm.

If you do well in your exams, she says it's pure luck,
If she does well, it's hard works & brains,
If you hurt her, you're cruel & abusive,
If she hurts you, you're too sensitive.

If you drive a nice car, you're a flirt,
If you don't, you're worthless,
If you're with another girl, you're unfaithful,
If she's with another guy, it's acquaintances.

If you buy her gift, she ask "where is the rest?",
If you don't, you're a cheapo guy,
If you let her see this, she cried blasphemy,
If she let you see their version of this, she says it's fact of life.

Girls!!! How on earth... Can we boys trust you???
You are so unreasonable, unrealiable, unrealistic and unbelievable!!!!
though sometimes you're cute but you sure spell "trouble"

Truths About Boys
If you are nice to them, he says you are in lov with him,
If you aren't, he says you are proud,
If you dress nicely, he says you are trying to lure him,
If you don't, he says you're from kampung.

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn,
If you keep quiet, he says you have no brains,
If you are smarter than him, he'll lose you,
If he's smarter than you, he is great.

If you don't love him, he tries to make pass at you,
If you love him, he will try to leave you,
If you dont' let him kiss you, he says you don't love him,
If you let him kiss you, he says you're cheap.

If you tell him your problems, he says you're troublesome,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him,
If you scold him, you're a nanny to him,
If he scold you, it's because he cares for you.

If you break your promise, you cannot be trusted,
If he breaks his, he was forced to,
If you smoke, you're a bad girl,
If he smokes, he's a gentleman.

If you do well in your exams, he says it's luck,
If he does well, it's brains,
If you hurt him, you are cruel,
If he hurts you, you are too sensitive.

Boys!!! How on earth... Can we girls trust you???
You are so unreasonable, unreliable, unrealistic and unbelievable !!!!

Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Moral Story
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The Moral Of The Story
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

General Algorithm for Life
God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carring heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be an DONKEY!

The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!

The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.

The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Man live 20 years like a man, the he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.

Punch Lines
Rose: "This is my 6th wedding anniversary."
Minnie: "You and Joe have been married 6 years.?"
Rose: "No, Joe is my 6th husband."

Phychiatrists tell us that girls tend to marry men who are like their fathers. Now we know why mothers cry at weddings.

Listen guys, never tell your wife you are unworthy of her.
She'll find it out herself soon enough.

Funny and sad but true - sooner or later every woman meets the right man - But usually after she's married.

It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good freinds.

How to know that you are growing old - The grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Drinking Nun
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know about drinking, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agreed. Arthur wandered inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks...and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no," replied the bartender. "It's not that bloody Nun again is it?"

Returned Unopened
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be nnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

Wat's that noise?
There`s a Scottishman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They`ve got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food.
He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can`t tell you, you`re not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent.

Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can`t tell you, you`re not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent.

Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can`t tell you, you`re not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I`m sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I`ll do better than that, I`ll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!"

Question: Do you know what it was?................................
Click here for answers

Riddles

Qn 1
A man borrows $25 dollars from 2 of his friends. He bought something costing 47 dollars. He returns each man 1 dollar and kept the other dollar for himself.
How much does he still owe his friends?
Click here for answers

Quotes

"Football is not a matter of life and death, it's more than that" - Bill Shankly

"For a player to be good enough to play for Liverpool, he must be prepared to run through a brick wall and come out fighting on the other side." - Bill Shankly

"War is only a cowardly escape from the problem of peace" - Thomas Mann

"You will never walk alone unless if you are on your own"

"Never eat anything that is larger than your head"

[Main]