Dear Fellow Supporters,

Lots of exciting things have been happening since the last programme was issued. The webpage (see back page for address) is growing in popularity and the number of visitors is increasing all the time. If you happen to miss a meeting you can now check your seniority on the web as it will be updated weekly. An Oldham supporter from Oldham (yes they are even there), Phil Costelloe, now sends up to date match reports and they can be accessed soon after the final whistle has blown, so remember to bookmark the site. There are many links from Oldham sites all around the world so check the guestbook periodically and remember to sign it yourself. The programme needs your input so that a wider variety of opinions are expressed. Don't forget to submit your articles for publication. Send your problems addressed to Dr. Roof and nominate yourself or a friend as a featured Latic Fanatic. Dan is looking for criticism or praise and he would like to know if the programme is entertaining enough or how it could be made better. Keep reading!

The Chairman

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

There is not much to report on the playing side recently as so many matches have been postponed due to the bad weather recently experienced in England. The FA Cup is now a thing of the past as Oldham lost 2-0 at Barnsley on 14th. January. It could be a blessing in disguise as all efforts must now be put to staying up and extra cup matches put more pressure on the team. Last Saturday's trip to West Brom was watched by 12,123 spectators and a 1-1 draw was an unfair reflection of the game as the Latics were unlucky not to win. Paul Peschisolido, the Canadian national team player, came on as substitute for West Brom but could not help them to beat Oldham. The Latics have now lost just one league game in the last twelve, and with the other bottom teams not taking advantage, they look in a much better position to beat the drop.

Another new feature begins today. We will over the next few programmes be showing you some of the famous club badges which are worn with such pride by the players. Our first such badge is the GLASGOW RANGERS F.C. badge. To save the blushes, as he would never admit it, I can disclose that Tom Hastie was the model for the legs. The picture was taken whilst Tom was recording his one and only great hit in the first ever karaoke competition at the Sheep Shearers Inn on Ibrox Road. His rendition of 'Donald Where's Your Trousers?' is still sung with great affection all over Scotland.

What have I started? My articles of pubs has reached far flung shores and everybody is copying me. I have actually drunk in most of the pubs but not all, hence the new title. The following is submitted by an Altrincham supporter who wishes to remain anonymous. Well, wouldn't you if you supported Altrincham F.C.?

The Moss- probably the best place to go straight after the match, often frequented by the players and management. Serves Worthingtons, Stones and Caffreys.
The Hogs Head - an excellent real ale pub. Usually has about 10 cask ales on tap. Regulars are Boddingtons and Marstons Pedigree and they also do some good food. One of my personal favourites.
The Grapes - another pub that has guest ales. The last time I was in they had Greene King's Black Baron, and it was superb. It's always reasonably quiet and they do good Boddingtons. They've also been known to serve an excellent pint of Bombadier.
The Railway - Altrincham - A Marstons pub. Always been a bit too crowded for me over the weekend - but serves both Pedigree & Best to a good standard.
The Cheshire Midland - Good cheap beer (Samuel Smiths), a darts board, pool table and an excellent quiz. What more do you want?
The Downs - another bass pub (The Moss was the first),The Downs is always full for top football, has a beer garden for summertime excursions and serves Worthingtons, Stones & Caffreys. Worth a look in.
The Railway - Hale - The Robinsons pub in the area. Has three rooms, has always been quiet when I've been in and serves good beer. You'll always find Robinsons Best, along with Old Stockport and Hartleys XB.
The Old Roebuck - Possibly the best pint of Boddingtons in Altrincham is served here. They also have an excellent '60's video game that'll bring back some memories of Spectrums and C64s! This is also a good place to go on Christmas Eve or to see in the New Year as it's about the only place you can get into.
The Bakers Arms - This Hydes Anvil pub looks like a 60's community centre, but is reasonably close to Moss Lane. You can try an OK pint in here.

I. Will B. Drunk

FIRST PRIZE. Brand new, ‘N’ registration Ford Bandwagon for you and the others to jump on. This prestige vehicle comes with many features, including stereo radio ( pre-set to come on at 4:45pm every Saturday as you, of course, won't be at the game

SECOND PRIZE: One years supply of new design Manchester United shirts. These will be despatched to you weekly.

Tie Breaker (in no more than 12 words] I feel it necessary to follow a football team that I have absolutely no connection with because:.........................................................................

Name:
Age:
Mental Age:

ABOUT YOU

United Membership Number: ........................................This number can be found on back of Official United Megastore Club card, probably blu-tacked to your headboard, underneath pictures of Lee Sharpe and Pamela Anderson. You don't have a girlfriend do you? Thought so. How much are you prepared to pay next season? £...................
Even if it doesn't guarantee you any tickets for any of the games? £...............
Your Preferred United Kick-off Time: Sunday 4pm / Monday 8pm................
Your home town: London / Basildon / St Ives / Manchester (like really)
Your big match seat: Sofa / Armchair / In bed (with Giggsy bedspread)......................
Your view: Biased / Blocked (picture of Eric) / Blocked (beer belly)...........................
Have you ever considered going to Old Trafford? ................................................
TICK all of the teams that you've supported over the past five years:
Blackbum Rovers........Leeds United........Arsenal.......
. TICK all of the teams you'll be supporting next year?
Newcastle United........Glasgow Rangers........
Number of your mates who now support United?:......................
Number of Mancunians (if any):....................
What colour would you like next seasons kits to be?
Home kit:..........Away kit:..........Second Away kit:..........Sunday afternoon kit:..........Midweek Print-your-own-Money European Super League kit:..........Do you intend buying them all?.......... You do?.......... Thought so.

A bloke who is a great Laties fan is trying like mad to get a ticket for a league game for his mate, an Oldham exile who is coming to visit from Canada. In spite of numerous calls and visits to the club ticket office, he constantly receives the same reply: Sorry sir. The ground is absolutely sold out. There is not a single seat left, so there is no way we can give you a ticket. At last, he gives up in despair, and his mate cancels his visit. The day of the match comes, and he goes along and sits in his usual seat. The match gets off to a slow start and, glancing around him, he notices, few seats further on, an old man sitting with an empty seat next to him. He returns his attention to the game, but by half-time this is bugging him so much that he has to ask about it, so he leans over to the old bloke and says, "Excuse me, but why is that seat next to you empty? I've been trying for weeks to get a ticket for a mate of mine who was coming from abroad, and I couldn't get one, and now I come here and find there's an empty seat just a few along from mine!" The old man sighs, and answers wistfully, "It was my wife's. We've been coming to the matches together for over forty years, but she died this week." The younger man is taken aback and stammers embarrassedly, "Oh, I'm sorry, mate. How tactless can you get? I wish I'd never opened my mouth. But - surely you've got kids, or relatives or someone that could've come along and kept you company, so you weren't all on your own at such a sad time?" The old man replies, "Oh, I've got 6 kids, and loads of relatives, and I asked them all, but they all wanted to go to the funeral!"

Many famous minds have over the years turned their attention to the various important questions of the day - is there life on Mars, just what is the meaning of life and do politicians really exist (and who do they support)? These questions of course pale into insignificance when compared to the really big issue of whether you love your woman more than Oldham Athletic! Now normally I would not have dared tackle such an issue, but subsequent to the publication of my last article, I have been subjected to some severe GBH of the earole by some female supporters. Anyway as luck would have it, I stumbled across a multiple choice quiz in an old magazine which allowed me to prove conclusively to Danielle that my love was as strong as ever - and that I still cared a little bit about her!!

It then occurred to me that there might be others out there that are subject to similar forms of oppression from the "fairer sex" and I realised therefore that it was my duty to reproduce the questions for all. Remember to get the best out of the quiz you must answer the questions honestly:

Your eyes meet across a crowded room. Do you?
1. Ask her where she's been all your life.
2 Ask her how she likes her eggs for breakfast.
3 Serenade her with a drunken rendition of : there's only one Graeme Sharp.

You've been seeing her regularly now, each close season for 2-3 years. It's time to make a real commitment. Do you?
1 Arrange a candlelit dinner for two with violins playing in the background. At the appropriate moment propose marriage in the old fashioned manner.
2 Suggest shacking up together - after all it will be cheaper on the rent.
3 Buy her a season ticket for the Chaddy End.

It's your wedding day. Do you?
1 Feel proud that this most beautiful of women has agreed to become your partner for life.
2 Awake (still drunk) at mid-day, with a vague feeling that you've forgotten something.
3 Having double checked with the Boundary Bulletin that there have been no new signings, turn up on the basis that there is nothing better to do in the close season (having refused point blank to consider any Saturday between August and May).

She's having your child, what more beautiful way of demonstrating her love for you. It’s a Saturday and the baby is already overdue. Do you?
1 Insist that she stays in bed and wait attentively on her all day.
2 Consider the options for suing the Condom Corporation.
3 Take her to watch the blues play Tranmere, laugh hysterically at the fact that they have to open the double gates to get her in but tell her if she even mentions contractions during the 90 minutes she's on her own.

It's her birthday. She insists on a romantic evening out. Do you?
1 Book a quiet table for two at a posh Egon Ronay recommended restaurant. Arrange for flowers, champagne and with the kids at her Mothers, the keys to the honeymoon suite at the local hotel.
2 Rent a dirty video (to get her in the mood) and arrange for a delivery from Panagopoulous Pizza.
3 Take her to watch the blues play QPR, buy her a pie, make her stand in the wind and the rain to soak up the atmosphere then sulk all the way home, blaming the 1-0 loss on her.

She suggests buying some sexy lingerie to spice up you love life. Do you?
1 Get her the latest Janet Reger creation in silk and satin, book two days off work take the phone off the book and close the curtains.
2 Buy her the cheapest items from the sticky pages of the Freemen's catalogue and a whip from the Home Shopping Club.
3 Buy the Away kit.

What according to the song are a girls best friend?
1 Diamonds.
2 Long legs and a healthy pair of lungs.
3 A Season Ticket.

It's your wedding anniversary. Do you?
1 Arrange to re-take your vows to re-affirm your love and commitment to one another.
2 Get drunk to forget.
3 Only remember it in those years when Oldham bring out a new strip and you need an excuse for a present then insist that the new away kit really suits her so she can have that (in your size of course).

You have a new job on the Continent and she suggests taking advantage of this and going away somewhere special for Christmas - a white Christmas would be nice she says. Do you?
1 Book a romantic snow covered chalet in the Austrian Tyrol, with a log fire and four poster bed.
2 Arrange a weekend in Amsterdam, complete with full 48 hour tour of the red light district and all the 'snow" she can eat.
3 Book a cheap hotel in Grimsby and a mid-night car ferry so that you can get back to see four games in a week.

You discover she's having an affair. Do you?
1 Beg her to come back to you insisting that whatever you have done wrong you can change. You promise that you'll never take her for granted again.
2 Tell her that in some of the books you read, a "m,nage a trois" can be quite fun.
3 Ask her what team he supports.

So how did you fare. Score your answers as follows. 1 = 0 points, 2 = 2 points, 3 = 4 points and discover how you rate in the following table:

0 - 10 = Very poor. There is definitely something missing in your life. It's called football. You were probably an only child, an only boy in a house full of girls and/or support Manchester United. You are very much in touch with your feminine side.

10 - 20 = You show some signs of hope but are still probably too inclined to buy a shirt with SHARP written on it - although it would probably be the body heat responsive ones that when worn come up with the additional words "Do not give any" and "objects to this person". It really is time to cut those apron strings and start wearing long trousers.

20 - 30 = Things are looking up and you are beginning to focus on the important issues in life. However there is a time and place for everything and you must learn to think with your trousers on other than a Saturday afternoon or Tuesday evening. To your credit however, you have no doubts about yourself and do not therefore support that team.

30 - 40 = You are obviously a contented and focused individual who follows the Latics without hesitation and with an admirable dedication. An Adonis, you probably have to beat them off with a stick, Whilst this might be a problem to lesser mortals you have little problem in establishing your priorities and recognise that it must be football first, last and pretty much most of the time in between. You are probably a fat person with an inkling for meat pies, mushy peas and Bovril.

On the cover today is a caricature of Nick Henry. Nick was out for a long period of time last season with injuries. He puts the reason for the Latics alarming slide down to their relegation from the premier league. Because of the loss of revenue Oldham were forced to trim their wages bill and a lot of players left the club. He thinks the selling of Richard Jobson to Leeds for $2,000,000 was a significant loss. Injuries to players in important areas (I think he means on the field) also did not help the club, particularly, towards the end of last season. Nick is now in his testimonial year, having been at Oldham for 12 years, after arriving as a sixteen year old. With living in Oldham for so long he now considers himself an Oldhamer.

Dear Dr. Roof,

I am the mother of a 50-year-old Chelsea supporter who batters his wife. He has been married for over 25 years and this has been going on for most of the marriage. I blame myself as I never took him to an Oldham game when he was younger. I left his father when he was two, and he spent most of his young years with just me and his gran. As his gran was an original member of the Chelsea pensioners (more commonly known as the Hell's Grannies) he did not get the right breeding to grow up as a fine young man, so the minute he got a woman in his power, this bad side of him came out. He has three grown-up children, none of whom has time for him, as he tried to make them be Chelsea supporters too. I am heart sick for his wife and have offered on numerous occasions to talk to him for her. She has asked me not to because she says he'll just take it out on her and may even take her along to a game. What can I do?

Worried in Whalley.

Dear Worried,

Usually, I don't advise parents to get involved in their grown up kids' relationships but this is different. My instinct is that you should tell him what you think. But you've also got to consider your daughter-in-law's fears. Warn him that if she suffers, you'll have no option but to report him to the Chelsea board of directors. Wife battering is a crime which is treated seriously by the authorities. You must help your daughter-in-law by urging her to go to the Crystal Palace Placid Players & Participants Policing Procedural Pacifists - the number's in the book. They'll know how to give her the confidence to do something herself about her husband's violence and train her in martial arts and self defence. Finally - it ISN'T your fault. Your son is responsible for his own conduct.

Dr. Roof