Dear Fellow Supporters,

What an astounding couple of weeks it has been! The team have not won a game since they beat Manchester City in December and have had seven unsuccessful attempts. As a result they are now bottom of Division One. Graeme Sharp and Colin Harvey have resigned from the club. The Chairman (not the real one - just Ian Stott) is interviewing candidates at the time of going to press. When you are reading this a new management team will probably already have been appointed as an announcement was expected yesterday.

The dinner evening now has about 12 people signed up. Give your name to Fisher if you wish to attend. The provisional date is 7th. March.

On the playing front it looks like Carl Serrant will be leaving the club for an estimated. $2,000,000. The club could surely use the money now and it would be a good incentive for any 'new manager' to have money to spend.

There is discontent within the club (see readers letters). As you know the club was set up as a fun thing and some people seem to be taking it seriously. You may complain about not moving up the seniority list. Think how I feel. I have not moved in ten years. Do you hear me complain? Lets get back to reality. This IS our centenary year. I just realised it when I worked it out. If you can suggest any suitable celebrations for the Centenary Year let me know.

The Chairman.

'Stitch' Ritchie as he is affectionately known is currently leading the Official Oldham Athletic web site survey as the most popular man to take over the helm at Boundary Park. He has 69% of the votes and as such is the fans clear favourite to succeed Graeme Sharp as manager of our great team. Andy signed for Athletic for $100,000 from Leeds United in August 1987. He started his career at Manchester United and was a firm favourite with the Oldham fans with his prolific scoring record which helped to take the Latics to Wembley for the first time in their history in 1990. It was rumoured that our own Chairman had been approached as a potential candidate but when I spoke to him he emphatically denied any such rumour. He said, and I quote, "I still feel that I have a job to complete and until my vision is successfully accomplished I will resist all such tempting offers. I know the club needs me and I cannot let down such enthusiastic supporters whatever the personal loss." Check out the Chairman's personal encounter with Andy Ritchie on the LSC website at

http://www.angelfire.com/mo/latics/Trivia.html

Dan

Dear Dan,

I have a problem I feel only you can help me solve. Here's the situation:
I am, well let's just say, in the top 15 of the Latics Supporters Club. Lately I have been feeling a little 'threatened' by a specific member who doesn't seem to recognise my superiority over him as a positive thing. I won't mention any names, but #16 seems to see me more as a rival to him rather than someone who has put a lot of time and dedication into this club and therefore deserving of my esteemed spot. This person has, in the past, made threatening and rude comments as to how I've moved 'rather quickly' up the seniority ladder. Dan, how can I best deal with this matter? I can hardly sleep at nights wondering what nasty comment I'll hear next from # 16. I need advice and feel only you can help.

Threatened and Mistreated Latics Supporter.

Dear Tammy (Tammy is an abbreviation of Threatened and Mistreated Member You - used solely so as not to waste valuable printing space),

There are several options open to you,

1) Take no notice and hope he either goes away or starts supporting Borussia Munchengladbach;
2) Confront him with being jealous and ask him why he can't make the same moves.
3) Buy him some Saurkraut! then watch his face as he eats it.
4) Be sarcastic when you ask for your beer mat (if he ever has it).
5) Politely move the food tray away from him as his hand goes near.

If all the above fail - Pretend he is a Manchester United supporter and beat seven bells out of him with your wooden rattle! I wonder if the anonymous person will respond, or will the writing of your letter have the desired effect and make him feel guilty enough to buy both you and the Chairman a free unit. Keep me informed.

Dan

Bill Shankly (to a Photographer who suggested Brian Clough was outspoken): "Laddie, that man scored 200 goals in 270 matches - an incredible record - and he has won cup after cup as a manager. When he talks, pin back your ears."

Avi Cohen (to Kenny Dalglish on the day that Cohen joined the club): "You, me, same." Dalglish, perplexed, just nodded. But when the next day Cohen said the same thing. Dalglish said, "What are you talking about, Avi?" "You, me, same. Both learn English."

Bill Shankly : "If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing."

Cambridge 1848

1. This Club shall be called the University Foot Ball Club.
2. At the commencement of play, the ball shall be kicked off from the middle of the ground; after every goal there shall be a kick-off in the same way or manner.
3. After a goal, the losing side shall kick off, the sides changing goals unless a previous arrangement be made to the contrary.
4. The ball is out when it has passed the line of the flag-post on either side of the ground, in which case it shall be thrown in straight.
5. The ball is behind when it has passed the goal on either side of it.
6. When the ball is behind, it shall be brought forward at the place where it left the ground not more than ten paces, and kicked off.
7. Goal is when the ball is kicked through the flag-posts and under the string.
8. When a player catches the ball directly from the foot, he may kick it as he can without running with it. In no other case may the ball be touched with the hands, except to stop it.
9. If the ball has passed a player and has come from the direction of his own goal, he may not touch it till the other side have kicked it, unless there are more than three of the other side before him. No player is allowed to loiter between the ball and the adversaries' goal.
10. In no case is holding a player, pushing with the hands or tripping up allowed. Any player may prevent another from getting to the ball by any means consistent with this rule.
11. Every match shall be decided by a majority of goals.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

A lot of you know about the Abbott and Costello sketch 'Who's on 1st?' This here is a genius Oldham Athletic v Manchester United version of it. WHO'S AT LEFT BACK? (or, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO GO TO BOUNDARY PARK,) with apologies to Bud & Lou. Some names, and positions, have been changed or it would have sounded daft - we wouldn't want that, would we?

LOU: I've always wanted to go to one of these soccer games. But you'll have to tell me who the players are.
BUD. Okay.
LOU: So tell me, who plays at left back?
BUD: Wright.
LOU: NO, not right, left. Who plays at left back?
BUD: WRIGHT!
LOU: That's what I want to know! OK then, tell me who plays at RIGHT back if you want.
BUD: Serrant.
LOU: Right.
BUD: NO, Serrant.
LOU: Look, this is getting us nowhere. Who's the manager?
BUD: The manager's Sharp.
LOU: I can only see one sharp guy. Is that him down there?
BUD: That's Wright.
LOU: Good, that's sorted that out. Now who's that guy in the grey hair and the tracksuit?
BUD: That's the manager.
LOU: But you said the manager was that sharp guy!
BUD: That's right.
LOU: Wright? So the manager’s Wright?
BUD: NO, Wright's at left back.
LOU: Are you telling me there are two sharp guys?
BUD: Yes, one's Henry.
LOU: Henry? I thought he was the centre forward for Oldham.
BUD: That's Banger.
LOU: NO, not Banger, Oldham. I thought he played for Oldham.
BUD: That's right.
LOU: Wright? So Wright is the centre forward?
BUD: NO, he's at left back.
LOU: OH forget it! Who's that big defender?
BUD: Halle.
LOU: Gesundheit. Now, let me see if I've got this ... the manager is the sharp guy, Serrant Wright, and he plays at centre forward. What does that bald guy do? That one down there.
BUD: Mark Allott.
LOU: Okay, so he's going to mark Allott. Who does Allott play for?
BUD: Oldham.
LOU: He's going to mark his own side? Weird. Look, why don't you go get a programme so I can find out who that big guy is.
BUD: Hugo.
LOU: Well that's nice I must say. 'You go...'
BUD: Right.
LOU: Don't drag HIM into it!
BUD: Look, it's quite simple. Wright is left, Serrant is right, Henry and the left back are both sharp, the manager's Sharp and the referee is always right. Carl's job is to get forward...
LOU: Hold on a minute, you said he was going to be left BACK!
BUD: RIGHT back.
LOU: Well, there you are then.
BUD: On the bench are the manager, assistant manager, Harvey...
LOU: Who is Harvey?
BUD: Shut up, the game's started. Hugo to Richardson...
LOU: Go to where?
BUD: ... to Banger...
LOU: But we just got here!
BUD: NO, no, no, Oldham are playing Banger today.
LOU: Bangor don't stand a chance!
BUD: Shut up! The referee is going over to Mark Allott...
LOU: Hey, you said the bald guy was going to mark Allott!
BUD: He passes to Pemberton...
LOU: They'll never beat Pemberton like that. Hold on, I thought they were playing Bangor?
BUD: They are. It's because they're playing Manchester United. And they're playing four-four-two...
LOU: They can't be playing ALL of them!
BUD: What?
LOU: Bangor, Pemberton, Manchester United AND Forfar too!
BUD: NO, four at the BACK...
LOU: Oh, so Fore is the big guy at the back, then?
BUD: NO, he's not 4, he's 16.
LOU: HE looks older than that.
BUD: Henry is 4.
LOU: For what?
BUD: For Oldham! Look, Hugo's 16, Henry's 4 and Rickers's 6. But Rickers's not playing so there's no 6 today, there's four at the back. A couple of seasons back they had five in midfield and Six up front, but then Six left.
LOU: Right. So who was left?
BUD: McNiven.
LOU: Gesundheit. So who's the number nine? He's sharp.
BUD: No, Oldham's manager is Sharp.
LOU: I expect he is, but so is that Oldham player. He's keen.
BUD: NO, Keane is in midfield, he's marking a lot.
LOU: What, another one marking Allott?
BUD: Right.
LOU: Not HIM again!
BUD: Oldham are bringing on a substitute...
LOU: He's tall.
BUD: He's Small.
LOU: Are you blind? He's TALL! And now you're trying to tell me he's little!
BUD: NO I'm not. Lyttle plays for Forest.
LOU: I thought you said he was a manager?
BUD: Little is a manager.
LOU: What, of Forest?
BUD: NO, of Aston Villa.
LOU: I thought that was Wright?
BUD: It is right.
LOU: So who is Little?
BUD: Well, Giggs isn't very big ... but he's keen.
LOU: AHA! So, he’s marking Allott, yes?
BUD: NO, he’s a winger. One of their old wingers was Best...
LOU: Well if he was so good, why is this other guy playing? Who IS best?
BUD: NO, I meant George.
LOU: So what about George? Is he playing?
BUD: George? No. He used to play for Arsenal, but now it's Wright.
LOU: Doesn't sound right to me. Isn't Wright the manager?
BUD: No! Can't you understand? Best was best, but now Giggs is best. Keane is sharp and Sharpe is keen. Giggs is little, Lyttle plays for Forest, Wright and Serrant are little, Small is tall, Best was George, George was Charlie, Charlie's on the right, Wright's on the left, Rickers's left out, Six has left. When Oldham played Arsenal Wright played inside right and tried to turn Wright inside out, there are four at the back, and Shaun is number nine.
LOU: Who?
BUD: Garnett.
LOU: Gesundheit.

Manchester United Directors - why spend three million (25m??) on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford? Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches.

Franny Lee, the Manchester City owner, is out shopping in town one Saturday afternoon when he takes a funny turn outside the Midland hotel (must be the pressure). Luckily for him there happens to be a conference on in the hotel and some of the delegates gather round. "Who is it?" asks some dopey cockney wag, "It's Franny Lee" someone replies "and he's fainted, let's get him inside." They carefully carry him inside and after giving him some water he slowly comes round. "Where am I?" asks Franny. "It's all right" says the guy who found him "you're in the conference." "Flipping heck!!" says Franny, "what happened to the second and third divisions?"
TRANSLATION The Vauxhall Conference is a non-league division of football in England (like a junior hockey league).

What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

A man is driving his car quite erratically, and the police stop him. The officer says that he will have to be breathalysed at which point he pulls out a card saying that he suffers from bad asthma so can't do that. The officer then says that he will have to go down to the station and give a blood sample, at which point the man brings out a card saying that he is a haemophiliac so can't give blood. At this the officer says that he will have to have a urine sample, at which the man brings out a card which says, “This man is a Manchester United supporter”......