Dear Fellow Supporters,

Two games left and on Wednesday, Wolverhampton Wanderers entertained Grimsby Town (one of the four teams destined for the big drop) and Grimsby came away with a point in a 0-0 draw. This leaves the Latics still with two games to play (Reading away tomorrow, and Norwich City at home on the last day of the season). Things are still not looking good and even the optimistic Latics fans are now preparing for what would be a disasterous drop. The bottom four teams look like this:

• Grimsby 44 10 13 21 56 79 43
• Bradford 43 10 12 21 43 70 42
• Latics 44 9 13 22 48 64 40
• Southend 44 8 15 21 41 80 39

The Chairman

Stuart Barlow graces our cover this week. Stuart went on a mini-goalscoring spree when Neil Warnock recently took over as manager. Obviously out to impress, he scored six goals in five games. Since then he has failed to find the target. He will need to rekindle that striking instinct (along with his peers) if Athletic are to stand any chance at all of survival. Goals for could have a say in the final count and at the moment Grimsby are +8 over the Latics. At 5'-10", this Liverpool born player was signed from Everton last November and made a quick impression by scoring on his debut for Athletic. Come on Stuart - get back to your scoring ways. We want to watch your skills in the First Division again next season.

Although not technically a letter to the editor, as it was received over the intemet at our web site, the following 'letter' warrants consideration as it is a scenario which could affect some of our members in the trying times ahead:

Name: Glen Payne
Website:
Referred by.. Word of Mouth
From: Langley, B.C.
Time.. 1997-03-30 14-.39:00
Comments:

Dear Chairman,

I have an interesting hypothetical situation for you to consider. I am a member in the Premier League and was wondering how you might handle the following situation.. A member who currently occupies one of the top 11 spots has been given a yellow card and is absent for the gathering. At this meeting, the member below that member also is absent and has previously received a yellow card. What happens to the third member who is directly below the second member if he/she attends?

Reply: Although hypothetical, it could affect you so I will answer in my most autocratic manner. Let's call them members 1(Y), 2(Y) and 3. If 1 and 2 are both absent the same week 3 will replace 2 and 1 will be red carded. It would now be 1 (R), 3 and 2. If it remains that way till the end of the season 1 would start the new season with an automatic yellow card. This would satisfy all concerned. There have to be some perks with seniority!

The Chairman

There was a soccer match between two under-16 teams in a town in Middle Tennessee. One team was good, and the other team was miserably pathetic, and frequently lost matches 10-0. After the half, realising that his team might actually come close to winning after being down by only 3 points, the eager but inexperienced coach of the worst team in the league tried something different. He told every player save the goalie to keep himself on the offensive half with hopes that the other team would choke under the pressure of having no defence to go up against.

Sure enough, when the awe-struck team tried to dribble down the bare naked half of the field, some idiot would get excited (remember, they were 15 year- olds) and make himself offside, and when the ball got in the other half, the ridiculous amount of offence would naturally force the ball into the goal. The worst team in the league won their first game using the ever popular "remove-your-whole-defence-and-watch-the -other-team-choke" trick. Sounds right out of Maxwell Smart doesn't it?

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the wating room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, “Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs”. The doctor says, “No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally”. The old woman questions, “Whatever do you mean?”

The doctor says, “Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him”. The old woman responded, “Son of a gun, he's using the fridge for a toilet again!”

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”

I went to see my psychologist the other day and I told him, “Well you see Doc, I've been having trouble sleeping because these strange dreams keep me awake”. “Really, go on,” replied the doctor.
“Yes, really. You see one night I dreamed I was a wigwam and the next night I had the same exact dream except this time I was a tee-pee.”
“I see”, said the doctor, “But your problem is simple”.
“Honestly Doc? What's my problem?” I asked.
“You too tents!”

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said “Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure”.
The engineer replied: “Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job”.
The politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”

We've never understood cricket. And now, thanks to Jim Woodfield, we never will. Jim thought that with the approach of cricket season May 1st. it might be helpful to pass on an explanation to those of us unacquainted with the game. Here goes:

“You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's on the side that’s in goes out, and when he's out, he comes in, and the next man goes in until he's out.
When the side that's in is all out, the side that's been out comes in, and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out, including the not-outs, that's the end of the game.”

Cricket, anyone? (If we're not there, just start without us, 'kay?)

That may be okay for the homeless, but not for an international striker - Pierre van Hooijdonk, offered $14,000 a week to stay at Celtic.

It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up - Ian Wright on the Arsenal captain's confession to alcoholism.

It's sod's law. Now I've got time to improve my golf it's the wrong time of year - Howard Wilkinson when sacked by Leeds.

That's a nice change of feet - Peter Brackley, Ch4, Juventus v Napoli.

I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help - Ron Atkinson at Stamford Bridge.

The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers - Ian Wright.

Following my recent excursions into the past I have received a letter from a Liverpool supporter who purports that scouse ale is better than O.B. He invites you to call in and assures you that a suitable welcome will be given to you. All the pubs listed are within 5 mins. walking distance to Anfield.

Grove 145, Breckfield Rd. N., L5, Higsons & Cains beers.
Comfortable 2 bar pub. The meeting place of the LFC e-mailing list.

Oakfield, 49, Oakfield Rd, L4, Walkers beers.
Busy, reasonably comfy 2 bar pub.

Rydal,(Midden) 93, Rydal St, L4, John Smiths Bitter & Magnet.
Small,busy and unreliable beer quality.

Breckside (Flatiron) 377 Walton Breck Rd, L4, Tetleys beers.
Nearest to ground, can be very busy.

Richmond Arms, 78 Breek Rd, L4, Tetleys beers.
Won a cellarrnanship award, so beers in good condition. This and other pubs on Breck Rd would not get many fans.

Arkles, 77 Anfield Rd, L4, Whitbread.
Very popular on match days. Close to the ground.

Better pubs are to be found in Liverpool city centre. Popular places for fans to celebrate are:

Blob (Yates Wine Lodge), Charlotte St., Nr. Central Station
Rowdy (Cains beers) or try Wetherspoons or Tess Riley's opposite.

White Star, Button St., just off Mathew St, (Bass, Cains & Guests)

Flanaghan's Apple Mathew St.
Irish theme pub with live music and late closing.

To get there use the following buses. From city centre. (Gyratory or Paradise St. Bus Station)
To Breckfield Rd N : 19, F9
Breck Rd.. F5, 14, F4
Walton Breck Rd. 26, 27 (circular)

I may have supped in some of the above pubs but don't remember exactly (what's new)? A word of warning in case you don't know English protocol. It is considered rude behaviour to enter a Liverpool pub and start singing songs like "One Man. Utd., there's only one Man. Utd......... Please expect service to take a little longer than normal if you do.

I. Will B. Drunk