Dear Fellow Supporters,

With the season well under way the news is not great. The Latics have played 8 league games and are still looking for their first win. The league cup has been a different story. In the first round they lost at home to Grimsby 0- 1 but won the away game 0-1 and eventually won 5-4 on penalties. In the second round we were fortunate enough to draw TRANMERE ROVERS (one of our old rivals and bogey team). I say fortunate, although the first encounter at Boundary Park was a 2-2 draw, because on Wednesday we went to Prenton Park and finally stuffed them 0-1 to reach the third round. It's going to taste especially good Roger! As the old saying goes - revenge is sweet tasting. I hope to improve the standard of programmes this year and hope you will bear with me if they don't always arrive on time. Please help with letters, articles etc. for inclusion. I am now on the Internet so will bring you the most up to date news possible.

The Chairman.

Dear Sirs,

Could you please help me with the following problem?
I am 30 years old. I have two brothers, one is a Manchester United supporter and the other is in jail serving 'life' for arson and rape. My two sisters are on the streets, and my father is living off their earnings. My mother is pregnant to the man next door and my father refuses to marry her. Recently I met a charming girl, ex-prostitute, single, bi-sexual and a mother of three (two of them half-castes). My problem is this: Should I tell her about my brother being a Manchester United supporter?

I remain, Yours sincerely,
Rufus.

Dear Rufus,

Definitely not! If I was you I think I would change my name.
Editor.

The featured pub of the week is the ALBION HOTEL, 1 & 3 High Street.
It was known as the White House until cl886 and was 'very clean' when it was owned by Wm. Bower of Tottenham Court Road, London. It was bought by Oldham Brewery in 1897 and when it closed in 1972 it became a shoe shop. Strangely it was more famous as a shoe shop, when in 1976 the proprietor, a Mr. A. King Korn, was arrested for treason for displaying a sign in his shop which read ‘Cobblers to the Queen’.

The novel by Sir Walter Scott was published in 1871 and he based his character on a historical figure, the 17th. century Scottish freebooter and outlaw Robert MacGregor. He was nicknamed Roy for his red hair, from the Gaelic word ruadh, meaning red. The same word gave us the common first name Roy, although this was popularly interpreted as being from the Old French roy, meaning king. Can this be the same freebooter and outlaw who graces our meeting weekly?
No wonder the food never lasts!

Our postbag has been bulging of late with queries of a medical nature. Many of you are wondering about why players these days seem so often to be be struck down by injuries that were unheard of a few years ago. With the help of a Harley Street specialist we present an idiot's guide to what's in, what's out and what's wiggling all about when it should be firm and stationary.

Some traditionally-minded players are happy to soldier on with nothing more than a tugged hamstring; there are others who slavishly follow the latest trend. Today one football "Face" limps off with a throbbing soleus and the next minute they've all got one. Other injuries, meanwhile, have been consigned to the sale rack in Milletts where they hang, gathering mildew and desperately hoping for some sort of revivalist movement.

Achilles Tendon
The Achilles tendon links the calf muscles to the ankle. It is as tightly stretched as the high string on a violin and sometimes just goes, "Twang!" for no reason at all. Or because somebody big and heavy jumps on it.
Fashion victim: Stan Collymore.

Shin Splints
Imagine your leg to be like a piece of Mini Cracknel. Oooooooh.
Fashion victim: Andy Cole

Hernia
When the nozzle of a tube of glue gets all bunged up and you squeeze on it really, really hard eventually your hear a little popping noise and the glue squirts out of a fissure in the wall of the tube like a little wiggly worm. This is what happens when a player has a hernia, only in his case the tube is his body and the wiggly worm of glue is.... well, we don’t want to put you off your tea.
Fashion victim: Lee Sharpe.

Pelvic Strain
Pelvic Strain. A debilitating hip injury usually suffered by wingers who over-jink, or shimmy in cold, damp conditions before fully warmed up. Sometimes the result of an over enthusiastic rendition of 'Jailhouse Rock' at charity karaoke evenings.
Fashion victim: Ryan Giggs.

Cruciate Ligaments
They enjoyed a long spell at the top a few years ago, but cruciate ligaments have been considered "a bit naff” by the cutting edge ever since Mick Quinn got one. The human knee is a highly complicated system of joints, levers, pulleys and springs. Now imagine a grandfather clock that's been runover by a juggernaut.
Fashion victim: Paul Gascoigne

For your entertainment and enjoyment the front page of the 5th. April 1990 edition of the Ashton-under-Lyne Reporter is reproduced. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the rest, as they say, is history.........................

Past editions of the LSC programme are available from the Chairman at the bargain price of one unit.