If your name appears above you should make arrangements with the Chairman for extra supping lessons. You need to enrol for the Boozing 101 course. If you fail (or refuse to buy the Chairman some sup) your position at the LSC could be in serious jeopardy. Get some practise in before attending the course as the pace is relentless.

At a time when English football was at a bit of a low ebb, banned from Europe following the Heysel disaster, continuing hooliganism and the threat of a national identity card scheme being imposed by the government, there came a craze which brought a smile back to fans' faces and gave football some long-awaited good publicity. And it all started at Maine Road with a single inflatable banana accompanied by a City fan called Frank Newton. The story began when Frank went to visit his friend during the Summer of 1987. His friend was a toy collector and amongst the exhibits spread throughout his house was a five foot inflatable banana. Probably under the influence of some beverage or other, Frank thought it would be a good laugh to parade the banana on the terraces at Maine Road. Frank was loaned the banana on condition that he provided proof that he had taken it to the game.

And so on 15th August 1987, the first appearance of an inflatable banana at a British football ground happened. Frank went to City's first game of the season against Plymouth Argyle with a friend and they took pictures before and during the game. The fans' reaction was universally favourable as the huge yellow object was greeted with laughter wherever it appeared. Being a hot August afternoon, Frank decided to remove his regulation City shirt and for the want of anywhere else to put it, put it on the banana. Within a few minutes a face had been drawn and a bobble hat completed the effect. The banana had taken on a personality. Just like Frank, the banana followed City all over the country and became a well-known figure on the terraces. Gradually the numbers of bananas began to increase. Frank found a shop in Leeds that had a two foot inflatable banana for sale and promptly bought it. By the end of April there were two more. Soon outlets in the Manchester area spotted the gap in the market and started to stock the inflatable novelties.

The Summer break didn't bring a halt to the craze as the inflatables crossed over to follow Lancashire Cricket Club. The county's triumph in the Refuge Assurance trophy was greeted with a host of waving inflatables. However, it was the 1988/89 football season that saw the inflatables craze really take off. Frank had moved up to a six-foot crocodile but the rest of the fans had caught up with him. At a pub outside Hull he was joined by fans carrying a toucan, a seven foot golf club, a spitfire, a Red Baron and two bananas. At the ground there were still more.. parrots, gorillas, panthers and literally hundreds of bananas. You really had to see it to believe it. It is the array of different inflatables on show that lingers in the memory. Four lads appeared carrying an inflatable paddling pool.

There were sharks, penguins, all the usual bunch etc. and of course there was the epic battle of the monsters. At one end of the terrace stood Godzilla. Six foot tall, green and mean, this dinosaur was a match for anybody. At the other end of the terrace stood Frankenstein's Monster. Slowly they began to converge towards the centre of the terrace. The crowd roared in anticipation. Eventually they met and the creatures commenced into battle - it was far more entertaining than the match! Another memorable event was the match on Boxing Day at the Victoria Ground. The City players came out carrying 5 foot inflatable bananas which they lobbed into the crowd. Everybody was getting in on the act now, including fans of other clubs. When Stoke played the return match at Maine Road during Easter, their fans came carrying inflatable pink panthers.

Oldham fans had inflatable dogs, Grimsby fans had inflatable fish and of course West Ham had inflatable hammers. However, this was the last major display of inflatables. By the start of the following season there was scarcely a banana to be seen. Although some clubs (Arsenal were one) banned inflatables as they could block people's view and others thought that the bananas were racist symbols (definitely not), the phenomenon died a natural death. People just seemed to grow out of it. It was fun whilst it lasted though.

Ed's note. I remember it well. It was fun and caught on all over the country. Does anybody know the name of the Oldham inflatable dogs? I may make that story one for the future!

An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig which just happened to bearing a red and white scalf. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the pig ate happily. He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer have I got a good idea for you". The farmer asked him what it was and the expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time. " The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Aw shucks, mister, what's time to a pig?"

It was alleged yesterday that the Post Office have been forced to shelve a new commemorative stamp which carried the face of Alex Ferguson on the front. An insider suggested that trials had shown that people in Crewe were spitting on the wrong side.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Tranmere fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $50 note. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, as the other three are mythological creatures.

A Utd. fan was accused of assaulting an old lady and was standing in an identity parade at the police station. When the old lady walked out, the Utd. fan shouted.. Yes, that's her!

What's the difference betwen Bosnia and Maine Road? There are still one or two safe areas in Bosnia.