Volume 4 Number 4 - 8th. January 1999
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CHAIRMAN'S EDITORIAL
Dear Fellow Supporters,
Our last meeting was very successful and all the Christmas draw prizes were distributed fairly (and a good time was had by all). Ernie was given a good dose of Alka-Seltzer on the morning after with a promise from me that next year he will be sent in for his 75,000 click service a week in advance of the draw. Special thanks should go out to Peter Egan who held six special draws, which were coincidentally won by the numbers 1-6, for tee-shirts. They are indeed a work of art. Commiserations to Pam who did not win the seventh special draw of a tooth-brush as she left too early.
On the field the boys started Christmas off with a fine 1-3 win at
Chesterfield. Chesterfield had the best home record of any team in the
League with only 5 goals conceded at Saltergate. This win pulled the
Latics out of the bottom three to 21st. place. It was disappointing then,
to follow up the game with a 0-2 loss to York City. Home form is the
key to survival and it needs to be dramatically improved.
On to the FA Cup third round which was played last Saturday.
Chelsea, known in some quarters as the foreign legion, were the
visitors and came as the second best team in the Premier League
having lost only one game all season. The game was overshadowed by
the ‘sausage roll’ incident. World Cup official Paul Durkin asked for
police protection after claiming he had been hit by a flying sausage
roll - after Chelsea's 2-0 win, the Dorset official confirmed that he
would be including the first-half incident in his report to the FA. A fan
was arrested by police after Durkin had been struck and Oldham could
find themselves in trouble.
My own opinion (having tasted the food at Oldham) is that he was
asking the police to take the roll back and exchange it for a meat pie as
it was not hot enough! "I had a brief moment of panic because I was
covered in tomato ketchup and I thought it was blood" he quoted.
Does this mean Liverpool will be in trouble when they play Berger?
The Chairman
A-Z OF LATICS
Good to see that some people were paying attention in the last programme, so much so that Warren McQuillan won a unit for noticing that Halom does not start with an ‘I’. We will therefore including the extra “I” A-Z in the next programme to make up for the mistake.
![[royle]](/Colosseum/Stadium/4377/royle.jpg)
J is for JOE ROYLE famous for two things. He lead Oldham in the most successful term in their history. The cup runs will live forever in the hearts of Latics fans. A little known fact was that Joe also played in the same league as the Chairman at one stage of his career.
![[bobby]](/Colosseum/Stadium/4377/bobby.jpg)
J is for BOBBY JOHNSTON who was the Chairman’s boyhood hero. One of the few players to have an ‘era’ named after him. When Bobby signed from Hibernian in 1960 he had an immediate influence on the team with his deft footwork and trick passes. An excellent penalty taker who nearly always sent the ball in off the post. He retired in 1965, some say due to too much booze. He is now more of a hero to the Chairman.
![[jimmy]](/Colosseum/Stadium/4377/jimmy1.gif)
J is for JIMMY FRIZZELL who was an inspirational manager of Athletic. Jimmy signed for Oldham in 1960. At the time of his sensational sacking in 1982 he was the second longest serving manager in the League. He will always be remembered for his aggressive style and diving headers.
MANCHESTER UNITED TV: FIRST SCHEDULE REVEALED!
Manchester United recently launched their exciting new cable television channel MUTV and the LSC has managed to get its hands on the first schedule…
7am, THE BIGGER BREAKFAST: Dieting the Brian Kidd way.
9am, BLUE PETER: What is Schmeichel actually saying when he’s shouting at his defenders?
11.30am, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: MUFC try to win back the League Championship from Arsenal
12.30pm, MOVIE: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE TEAM Comedy about Nicky Butt and the other pigmies in the team.
1.30pm, NEIGHBOURS: A look at cross-town rivals City (Comedy).
2.30pm, ANTIQUES ROADSHOW: A visit into the MUFC trophy room.
3.30pm, LAW AND ORDER: Alex Ferguson’s assessment of todays referees.
4pm, CHANGING ROOMS David Beckham talks about the one he sat in for most of the second half against Argentina.
5pm, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE LIKELY LADS? Ben Thornley, Graeme Hogg and other ‘new George Bests’ reveal all about their exciting new careers at Accrington Stanley.
5.30pm, ANOTHER WORLD: A live visit to the West Country, home of the real, traditional, United fans.
6pm, MOVIE: KUNG FU FIGHTING starring Eric Cantona. If time allows this programme will be followed by GENERAL HOSPITAL.
6:30pm, BARNEY AND FRIENDS: Today Barney teaches fans a new song by the Beatles called “I’m a loser”.
7:00pm, VICTORY GARDEN: Viewer phone-in programme to vote on a change of name for the ‘Theatre of Dreams’.
8pm, BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL: An interview with Posh Spice and David Beckham to explain why Posh is so bold.
8.30pm, THE INVISIBLE MAN: Jaap Stam talks us through his Charity Shield performance.
9pm, RED DWARF: The Nicky Butt story.
9.30pm, MEN BEHAVING BADLY: Starring Norman Whiteside, Eric Cantona and Paul McGrath, with guest appearance by Tommy Docherty.
10pm, QUESTION TIME WITH ALEX FERGUSON. A series of intelligent conversation with the manager.
10.01pm, WINNER TAKES ALL: A big-hearted tribute to Arsenal’s 1997-98 season.
11pm, HAPPY DAYS: A nostalgic look back to when United used to win things.
12am, REAL TV - Time to switch channels
![[difference]](/Colosseum/Stadium/4377/pic44-2.gif)
BELIEVE IT OR NOT
Eintracht Frankfurt have admitted they pretended striker Urs Guentensperger was in Switzerland recovering from injury when the 30-year-old was really serving a three-month jail sentence for drink-driving. Guentensperger, whose goals helped Eintracht to promotion back into the Bundesliga last season, was due for release on August 16, meaning that he missed the start of the new campaign. He was twice convicted of drink-driving while playing in Switzerland and has spent much of the last two years attempting to have the mandatory three-month jail term delayed until he ends his football career. Explaining why the club had originally told reporters that the player was rehabilitating a knee problem, club spokeswoman Katja Kraus said: “This was a private matter and the club wanted to remain discreet about it.”
Bury arrived an hour late for the kick-off in the friendly against Rotherham after what club officials described as “the coach trip from hell.” Manager Neil Warnock (the former Oldham manager) told the Bury Journal: “The bus wouldn't start when we were due to set off to our Scarborough hotel at 12 o'clock, then just when we'd ordered six or seven taxis someone arrived to sort it out. “At 10 past 10 we managed to get going but a door flew open at the side and we had to stop. Minutes later the temperature gauge went through the roof and we had to stop to take on gallons more water. “Two miles further on, another door opened on the side, then we got stuck behind a tractor on the inside lane of the A1 on what must be one of the busiest Saturdays of the year. We did well to arrive at the time we did."
Poor, misunderstood Mark Bosnich. First there was all that unpleasantness over the incident at White Hart Lane when Bossie did his famous impression of "Basil Fawlty doing Adolf Hitler" while being in no way familiar with the ethnic origin of some of the home supporters. Now we have Goodison Park, where Mark absolutely didn't mean anything bad by sticking one finger up to the Everton fans at the end. ''When the final whistle went I just turned round and made a gesture of triumph to the crowd because we had won a hard-earned point,'' he reckons. Clearly this man is some kind of genius.
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FOOTBALL JOKES
A ventriloquist Oldham supporter is walking through the countryside when he
spots a United supporter sat by the side of the road. The Oldham supporter
stops and engages the United fan in conversation.
Oldham fan :- "Does your dog talk"?
Red :- "Nay" (looking at the Oldham fan like he is stupid!)
Oldham fan to dog :- "Is this your master"?
Dog :- "Yes, sort of".
Oldham fan :- "Is he good to you"?
Dog :- "He's OK. He takes me for walks and feeds twice a day". United fan's
jaw drops in amazement.
Oldham fan to Red :- "Is that your horse"?
Red :- "Yeah but he don't talk"
Oldham fan :- " Is this your master"?
Horse :- " Yes"
Oldham fan :- " Does he treat you well"?
Horse :- "Yeah. He give me fresh hay and rides me now and again." Reds
mouth is now wide open in disbelief.
Oldham fan to Red :- " Is that your sheep"
Red :- " Yeah but sheep lie"!
You probably all know that the A666 runs through United’s ground. 666 is the number of the devil.
Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas?
His Dad got him a United kit.
Why does Peter Schmeichel wash his hair in the sink ?
Because that is where you are supposed to wash vegetables.
What does David Beckham say when you blow in his ear ?
Thanks for the refill
What’s a United fan's favourite wine ? - Alan Shearer.
Why do people take an instant dislike to United?
It saves time.
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YOUNG MOORE’S ALMANAC
As a preamble to the ‘Almanac’ it must be explained that anyone traversing the ‘Golden Mile’ in Blackpool, Lancashire was always offered the choice of either ‘Billy’s Weekly Liar’ or ‘Old Moore’s Almanac’, two regular publications. They were as synonymous with a trip on a Charabang to the seaside as were fish and chips or whelks. BWL was famous for such gems as “Did you hear about the dumb blond who thought that bacteria was the rear entrance to a cafeteria”. OMA was, believe it or not, usually correct with it’s predictions probably because the original ‘Old Moore’ was the great grandfather of our illustrious Chairman.
To further increase awareness about the English game Manchester City are currently in the Second Division, the same division as Oldham Athletic. It is the first time in their history that they have played at the third level of English football and they are attracting tremendous gates. Arsenal won the Premier League last season but their manager, Arsine Wiener tends to favour French players. There! Here we go with the predictions for footballing season of 1999:
January - On the advice of police fearful of the sheer numbers Manchester City are now attracting for home games, police advise City to move their home game against Northampton to Old Trafford. They attract a crowd of 55,000. Northampton come back from a goal behind to win.
The LSC Chairman is recommended to the Queen for the New Years Honours list for his services to football.
Victoria 'Posh Spice' Adams gives birth to her first child. She picks the name. It is called Ryan. No-one says anything.
Delighted with the progress of the half-dozen or so unknown French teenagers he’s signed, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger offers contracts to three French kids who’ve only just started school. He is unperturbed by the fact that two of them have never even played football.
February - Police advise Manchester City that Old Trafford isn’t big enough to hold their home games. The match against Wigan is held at Parkhead. 70,000 see City lose 1-0 to a late penalty.
March - Scottish police inform Manchester City that Parkhead is no longer big enough to house the crowds they’re pulling. So it’s off to Wembley for the big derby against Macclesfield. 82,000 see a late own goal by captain Jamie Pollock give victory to City’s local rivals.
Delighted with the progress of the French primary school kids he’s signed, Arsene Wenger goes to a maternity ward in Marseilles and offers contracts to three new-born babies. The enigmatic manager doesn’t care that two of them are girls.
April - The Metropolitan Police refuse City permission to use Wembley for their match against Colchester, fearing too many spectators. So the game is played at the Nou Camp, Barcelona. 105,000 see City throw away a three goal lead to lose by the odd one of seven goals.
Delighted with the progress of the French babies he’s signed, Arsene Wenger is spotted in the streets of Lyon feeling the frontal bumps of heavily pregnant women before offering contracts to their as-yet-unborn “future French internationals”.
May - Following complaints from fans about lack of tickets for matches at the Nou Camp, Manchester City play their final home game of the season Division Two season at the Maracana in Rio. 135,000 see them go down 0-1 to Lincoln, thanks to a goal deflected in off all ten City outfield players, Joe Royle and the referee. As a result Lincoln survive in Division Two…but City are relegated.
Oldham win the play-off game against Fulham 1-0 and are promoted back to the First Division. Athletic also win the FA Cup final 7-1 in a thrilling encounter with Manchester United at Wembley Stadium. Both the games are actually played on Fantasy Island. Andy Ritchie is knighted and given the freedom of Oldham.
Delighted with the progress of the French unborn babies he’s signed, Arsene Wenger takes to sneaking up on couples making love in Parisian parks and offering contracts to the fruits of their sweaty labours “provided the mademoiselle actually gets pregnant”.
June - Pre-sales of season tickets for their Division Three (bottom level) fixtures prompt Manchester City to announce that they’re buying the Isle Of Wight to turn into their new 6,000,000 capacity stadium.
Delighted with the progress of the French “possible babies” he’s signed, Arsene Wenger takes to walking up to ‘pure’ girls in the streets of Cannes and offering them professional football contracts for any offspring they might have “if and when they decide to indulge”.
THE DEAD GOOD DEAD HARD COMPETITION
This weeks question is: Who was his goalkeeper and other centre half the last time Bobby Moore played against Germany. Think about this one - it’s not as hard as you think and you don’t need to be a football trivia wizard!
The answer to the last competition: Which is the only English club with none of the letters of the word MACKEREL in it’s name.
The answer was of course - Swindon Town
FAMOUS QUOTES
"I'm not sure Michael Owen is a natural-born goalscorer." - Glenn Hoddle
"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight." Kevin Keegan
"Okay, so we lost, but good things can come from it - negative and positive." Glenn Hoddle on England's defeat by Chile
"I thought I was doing quite a good job there." Roy Hodgson on his sacking from Blackburn
"If we go down, then I will be off." Steve Stone, clearly forgetting how he felt when Pierre van Hooijdonk walked out on Forest earlier in the season
"He took about three or four steps before falling over in a rather strange way. To me it looked like someone who was acting." Paolo Di Canio after referee Paul Alcock took a tumble courtesy of his little shove
"People are really missing why I did this book. This is about alcoholism, my disease. Two years ago I was dead." Tony Adams on surely the most astonishing comeback in history.
"The match will be shown on Match of the Day this evening. If you don't want to know the result, look away now as we show you Tony Adams lifting the trophy for Arsenal." Steve Rider
"Boots are the one thing footballers are supposed to have. They are the tools of our trade. Are we supposed to run out in front of 30,000 at Maine Road in our socks?" Blackpool captain Tony Butler suggests that asking the players to pay for their own boots is somewhat unfair.
"If I'd had a gun, I'd have shot him." John Gregory's reaction after Dwight Yorke told him he no longer wanted to play for Aston Villa
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