Volume 4 Number 5 - 26th. March 1999
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I would like to reintroduce the old favourite “The Latic Fanatic”. If some of the new members are unaware of the ritual, I’ll briefly explain. You nominate yourself or another Latic Fanatic and fill in a form (see me), provide a photo if possible and wait to see your article in print in the next programme.
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THE DEAD GOOD DEAD HARD COMPETITION
Answer to the last competition: The last time Bobby Moore played against Germany his goalkeeper and other centre half were Sylvester Stallone and Michael Caine - in the film 'Escape To Victory'. Caught you!!! That’s why the competition has been renamed!
This weeks question is a bit easier: There are six clubs in England and Scotland with 'Athletic' in their name. Who are they? A prize of one unit goes to the first member to correctly name all six.
I went to the Supporters Club Sports Forum at the Clayton Arms of which I am now a committee member. I made a tape recording of the meeting (see The Chairman if interested) which I’m sure you’ll enjoy. I went to Fulham after swapping work shifts and was concerned when the team were 45 mins. late and the referee was threatening to call off the match. We played great again and should have come away with a point. If they gave us points for maybe’s and should have’s we would be top. I then missed the York game as I overslept!
It took two hours to get to Macclesfield, 20 bloody miles. It took us half an hour just to get through Ashton. They played crap on a crap pitch. A crappy day out alround. Took the train to Preston. First port of call “The
Railway”, a couple of pubs later we’re in “The Adelphi”. Finally got a taxi so we could have a few more drinks. We deserved something from the game again. After a quick drink at Victoria it was the train home to
God’s country. Met this lad (about 45) who said he’d been to Old Trafford. He took an aggressive tone and he eventually blanked me. My mate, Alan, was going to deck him but I said leave it as the Red had obviously lost it. he then started singing “which part of London do you come from?” As out train pulled into our stop we left the sad git to his singing. Next one Man City. They have just beaten Burnley 0-6 at
Burnley. God help us. (Ed’s note - He did help as Oldham won 1-2 - see write up later). Keep the faith.
Nobby
I thought it was about time I updated you with the latest events at Boundary Park. I don’t think ‘Stop The Rot’ can do anything as the board and J.W.Lees’ are happy to keep the status quo. Stott going is purely cosmetic and he would still be Chairman if not for making a bid at the FA Chairmanship. I don’t think we’ll go down but one minute we win at Lincoln then lose to Macclesfield. I went to Notts County and we were well worth the win, then we outplayed Blackpool. I took my wife to Bristol Rovers and we had a great weekend in Gloucester, which is great for pubs. We also saw the tomb of Edward ll, which for me, a history buff, was a great thrill. We outplayed Bristol and were disappointed to come away with only one point.
Swansea City mascot Cyril the Swan has been handed a one match ban for the recent Division Two derby against Cardiff. After taking advice from South Wales Police, the club has decided to ban its feathered friend from the touchline amid fears of crowd trouble. Cyril is said to be distraught at the suspension, but it's not the first time he has been in bother. He was banned for one game earlier this season after Norwich City manager Bruce Rioch accused him of almost barging over his assistant, Bryan Hamilton, and he was also forced to sit out the second half of the FA Cup tie against Millwall after a complaint from the referee.
"Cyril is gutted and so are the fans," admitted club spokesman Mark Symington. "But there is no question of this being the end for him - it is simple a one-match ban." But Symington admits that Cyril can, on occasion, be more of an Ugly Duckling than a Beautiful Swan. "He can get a bit excited and, although his disciplinary record is not too bad, there is room for improvement. It would be fair to say he has been 'naughty' before. He can be rather cheeky to fans, and he's not afraid to have a word or two with the match officials if he doesn't agree with a decision. He's also been seen to taunt visiting English supporters this season by lying down and 'doing a Beckham' by flicking his leg out, but it's all harmless fun. He really is very popular with the fans. Even before the players come out, they are singing 'Nice Swan Cyril' in his honour."
I have a confession to make. The recent bad run was down to that stupid cow that I live with. After the Lincoln she stole my scarf - the all knowing, all seeing scarf that determines our luck rating. I hadn't washed it since Christmas, and, yes you guessed it, she washed it. The stupid cow washed all the good fortune down the drain. Last night I forced her to wash it again in a last gasp attempt to reverse the curse. The spin cycle came to an end just as Dux equalised. Thank God. We're back on track, thanks to a washing machine and scarf. Is anybody else superstitious? Wear the same grundies? Hide your shirt in a strategic corner? Is there a helpline?
Ronnie Blair
Dear Ronnie,
After extensive research I have found another superstitious supporter who will answer your question.
Dan
Dave Wit
Ronnie and Dave,
It is silly what rituals and rigmaroles some supporters (and players) go through before games, thinking that it is them that causes bad luck. Personally, I have never been superstitious and no harm has ever come to me. Touch wood!
Dan
COVER STORY
Due to the new drink/driving regulations soon to be in effect in BC the Chairman has negotiated a new deal with our sponsors. Members will be able to purchase the new EEC regulated maxi-litre drink pictured on todays front cover. In future when you are unfortunate enough to be stopped on your way home from the meeting. The roadside check cop will ask you, “Have your been drinking this evening sir?” to which you can answer, hand on heart, “Yesh occifer, but I only had the one!”
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P19 W0 D0 L19 F10 A229.
Even better, deductions for calling off games at the last minute have left them with a healthy total of minus four points going into the home stretch of the season. And, as vice-captain Stuart Moss tells the paper:
"We've only just lost some games." Without seeking to apportion any blame, the Latic Fanatic does wonder whether the team's extraordinary run of form can be explained not just by the fact that their manager is called Pauline, but mostly by the fact that their captain is called Tarquin. Just a thought!
They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different. - Kevin Keegan
Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson. - Ron Greenwood
There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs. - Denis Law
The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place...play for the same club..and were discovered by the same man. - Norman Whiteside
For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. - John Motson
I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona. - Kevin Keegan
What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio. - Gerry Francis
If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent.- Bryan Robson (1990)
John Harkes is going to Sheffield, Wednesday. - New York Post (1993)
If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers. - Mick Lyons
Congratulations to The White Horse pub in Scarborough, hailed by The Daily Star as Britain's worst football team (they obviously haven't watched Oldham recently). With one 33-0 beating to their credit, the pub team's record so far stands at an impressive
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You won't know what the heck it's on about as it rants on about Arsenal loving a scrap and refs being biased in favour of Chelsea - but it's so cute you won't care! Typical phrases include "Nee-Tye/Kah"
("Tickle me"), "Kah/May-May / U-Nye" ("I Love You"), and "West-Ham's / Effort-Was / Obscene" ("I Think I Need To Lie Down Now").
Fergby loves playing games! Especially mind games! Ask him what the time is and he'll reply: "Are we losing? Yes? In that case, there's another 10 minutes to play." Put him together with one of his own kind (Denis Law or Pat Crerand, for example) and he'll talk for hours about how Manchester United are the greatest club side in the history of the world while you get on with something more important. And unlike some virtual pets that have been on the market recently, you can sit him down and talk sense to him for hours - and he won't learn anything at all!
Fergby loves kids (though not Kidds)! Not just your kids, but everyone else's kids as well! Delight as you show it off to the neighbours' children and it repeats its adorable catchphrase: "Dinnae sign for Spurs, son. I can get ye 20 per cent off at the Old Trafford megastore, ye ken"!
Unfortunately, supplies of Fergby are strictly limited for now. However, once Manchester United have been knocked out of Europe, they can be obtained for free on a first-come, first-served basis by applying to The Chairman.
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Four years ago Manchester City v Oldham Athletic was a Premiership fixture. Two weeks ago he clubs met at Maine Road in a Second Division fixture! Here are the facts: City had a 12 match unbeaten run and had just beaten Burnley 0-6 away; they had not lost this year; Oldham were without a win in five matches. Things looked ominous!
In front of a crowd in excess of 30,000 Oldham took the lead through a penalty by Reid, the first goal conceded by City at Maine Road this year, and only the fourth in their previous thirteen league games. City had a chance to equalise with another penalty award but Kelly dived bravely to his left to save the spot kick.
Oldham took a 0-2 lead with a fine Duxbury header in the second half. This meant that City had conceded two goals in a game for the first time since their last defeat at York just before Christmas. City did pull back a consolation goal and tried desperately to maintain their run but all was in vain. The Latics came away with a deserved three points and poor Joe Royle had to watch his best ever signing, Andy Ritchie, celebrating victory just yards away. All in all a successful afternoons day at the office, especially as the City yobbos were expecting a 5-0 win as was predicted by the pre-match furore.
Two incidents occurred at the game. One was that a streaker ran on to the field and put the ball in the Oldham net, something the City strikers struggled to do all afternoon. The funniest incident was after the game when a fat, drunken City supporter attacked a Latics fan, only to fall over and get trampled on by a mounted policeman (yes! we do have them in England). That’ll teach him not to try and emulate The Chairman. Know your limit lad!
The Star newspaper reports that stand-in Sunday League referee Kevin Jenkins has been banned by the Bristol Sunday League for two years after punching one player and head-butting another after they criticised his decisions. Already a good story, but made even better by the fact that Jenkins, who stepped in to referee when the regular official failed to show up for the game between Sea Mills and Blackwell, was available only because he was serving a two-month playing ban at the time "for abusing a referee." The icing on the cake, however, is provided by this quote from Blackwell secretary Jack Rebours: "His refereeing was actually very good until he started hitting people."
We continue the stories of football lunatics fanatics who will not let anything stand in their way of the love of their lives. All these stories are true and the names have not been changed so as not to protect the innocent. This weeks featured fanatic is Richard Powell.
In the spring of 95 my American Girlfriend, Sonia, came to visit me in France, from New York. She didn't get a lot of holiday, and being an Artist wanted to look around the many galleries in Paris. Unfortunately her visit coincided with my team, Plymouth Argyle playing in the Third Division Play off Final at Wembley. No contest !
She arrived, I took her to see Monte St. Michel for a Day. We stayed in Caen. Got the ferry to Portsmouth Friday morning. I then showed her the delights of Bournemouth, art wise, whilst picking up my tickets for the final. I drove to Wembley on Saturday morning, picking up an amazed Argyle fan at Fleet Services who was needing a lift. So an exiled Argyle Fan, an American who had no interest in footie at all, and a Plymouth Buy in a French Ford Fiesta, frantically searched how to get to Wembley after ending up at Twickenham.
Sonia came up trumps and sorted out our route, with two panicking Argyle Fans. We made it, I cried at the final whistle, Sonia took some photos of me singing "Simply the Best" with the other 30,000 Argyle fans. We met up with the Plymouth Buy afterwards, dropped him off at his girfriends in Kent somewhere.
I then showed a bemused Sonia the highlights of some town in Kent (can't remember the name). Next I took the morning ferry from Dover to Calais and drove back to Fontainebleau. I was then dragged on Monday to some art galleries in Paris, absolutely knackered. She left on Tuesday, yeehaa !! Needless to say, the relationship didn't last. Still, Argyle went up and I saw them at Wembley !!
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Wife: 'Football, Football, Football! That’s all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the housework, I think I`d drop dead from the shock.!'
Husband: 'It`s no good trying to bribe me, dear.'
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a United strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
If a United fan and a Blackpool fan jumped off Blackpool Tower at the same time, which one would hit the deck first?
Who cares?
How do you make a United United fan's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in his ears
Why should you not allow United fans a coffee break at work?
Because it takes too long to retrain them
What do you call the United team standing ear to ear ?
A wind tunnel
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb United fan and a smart United fan are walking down the street when they see a ten pound note on the pavement. Which one picks it up ?
The dumb United fan because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy or a smart United fan.
Why did Kenny Dogleash get so excited when he finished the jigsaw after 6 months ?
It said 2-4 years on the lid
What do you call a fly inside a United fan’s head ?
A Space Invader
