Volume 6 Number 1 - 5th. September 2003

I COULD HAVE PLAYED FOR LATICS

The Chairman can now reveal that he almost played for Oldham Athletic in a pre-season fund raising game. The game was billed as the Wembley Wizards v the Millennium Allstars and was a fund raising game which realised over £100,000. The players were all household names in Oldham as they played in the glorious years of the Premiership and in the famous, unforgettable “pinch-me” season.

An Internet auction was held to allow two Athletic fans to bid to play a half game each. A huge thank you has to go out to Mrs. Chairman who graciously offered to forfeit a three week holiday in England to allow the Chairman to realise a boyhood ambition. Another thank you goes out to my personal travel agent who managed to swing a couple of rush tickets to Manchester to enable the Chairman to play in the game.

My maximum bid of £1,000 was tendered on the last day of bidding but unfortunately a winning bid of £1,550 for each half was the final bid and I lost out at the last minute. As a consolation I had to spend three weeks in Jolly Olde England. Oh Well!!!!

A married girl left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, she spent the weekend (and her money) partying with the girls. When she finally returned home on Sunday night, her husband really got on her case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, the husband paused and pointed at her and made her an offer "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?".................. The wife couldn't believe her luck, so she looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the wife didn't see her husband. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and she still didn't see him. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and she could see him a little out of the corner of her left eye...........

Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man. Utd. with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football."Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me". "Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time". The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
[signs]
If Women Organised the Road Signs
Moore's Reign of Terror

The 'Real' Chairman (no relationship to Chris Moore) has to report the full extent of Chris Moore’s reign of terror. It can now be revealed that the club's losses have trebled to almost £3million a year during his time at Boundary Park. The main reason for the losses were the large playing contracts which Mr. Moore initiated. The existing contracted players are still earning an average weekly wage of over £1,400, excluding pension contributions, and appearance money this season is set at £230 per man per match. PFK, the administrators working at Boundary Park, admit that the Latics are “manifestly insolvent” even though Mr. Moore wrote off loans of over £4 million. If Athletic survive the next few weeks and a new company is formed it would still mean an end to the name of Oldham Athletic as any new club would have to operate under a new name.

Finding investors will not be an easy task as assumptions for the next three years would include: An average home crowd of 5,800; Athletic will be knocked out of every cup competition in the first round; Athletic will stay at Boundary Park with a rent of £20,000 per month; Bonuses for players and coaching staff will total around £70,000 each season; New players player signed after this season will earn £500 per week or less.

The new company will be able to renegotiate wages, appearance money and bonuses but the players and the PFA would have to agree. The new company would also have to pay bills on a monthly basis to avoid debts mounting. Another major decision would be whether to honour existing season tickets. Common sense suggests that they should be honoured but since when did common sense enter our beautiful game?

Athletic’s first target will be to raise £500,000 by Monday and then they need to find another £700,000 to satisfy the football creditors. Other creditors will lose out whatever happens. It would be interesting to find out about the famous ‘black hole’ which accounted for the loss of substantial funds including the ‘Sponsor a Seat’ money so generously donated by many Latics fans (the Chairman sponsored three seats) and the infamous Starline Lottery . It’s time for football to take stock. Athletic are just the tip of the iceberg and should they go under just watch the domino effect which will begin. Banks are currently afraid of being the ‘first one’ to close a football club but should Oldham be the first, the other clubs in danger should start to sweat. It will be an interesting few weeks!

[toilet]
A Woman's Dream
LATICS LAST GAME?

Athletic’s game at Hartlepool tomorrow could be their final league game as the club has to raise £500,000 by Monday to survive. If they fail to reach the target, league officials can suspend the club from continuing their season. Jon Newell, Athletic’s administrator, said, “The league have been known to give other clubs second chances so, if necessary, we would hope for similar treatment. At the same time, it’s vital we show them how much funding might be available – the more expressions of interest the better. We’ve had enquiries, but nobody has come back with anything concrete, which I must say is worrying. Over the next 48 hours we will contact everyone who has shown an interest and ask if there’s anything we can do to help them reach a decision.”

A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on football instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you FLAMING NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't watched football in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and football.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?” "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management.""I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

And finally......If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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