Not so long ago the Internet captured my attention. New and interesting things started happening in my life. I realized that there was a huge world out there and I wanted to be a part of it. I found the-park, a chat house. I observed how cyber people connected with their short little phrases typed out on a dark screen. But I also found that most were made up of lies and deceit. It was hard to trust anyone because his or her stories kept changing. It was easy to create a fantasy life, I mean who would ever know and we could become anyone we wanted to. I too lied and made up stories.
After a year or so I met a man who would change my life. I had noticed him only a few times in the chat room and that was because his nickname was one you don't forget, Nightmare. My first thought was he must be evil with a nickname like that. He was with a woman who was always in the room and I came to know her as a fun person. I really didn't pay much attention to them, for I was chatting with a man that I thought intriguing and genuine. Time continued and the woman had built a web site and was asking for pictures of people to put up on her friend's page. I took the address and went surfing around her site. I checked out the links and I saw "Nightmare's Abode" and decided to check it out. The impression was dark and scary. My first thought was, yup this guy is evil. He had blood bars and eyes and the grim reaper on his page. There is a Muse that is called "Nightmare" I read it three times and then I understood why he chose the nickname that he did. He was not so scary for he was a man with strong convictions for our environment and endangered species. I too was concerned about endangered animals and their habitat and thought we had one thing in common. I read every word he wrote and looked at every page he had made. I knew after I looked at his homepage that I wanted to chat with him and find out what his other concerns and interests were.
So weeks went by and I was still visiting the chat house. One afternoon he came into the park and there were only a few people in the room. Now I had never even said hi to this guy before and was just a little leery of chatting with him, he was a history major and I thought hmmm. he probably isn't to friendly. Anyway I said "hi Nightmare I checked out your homepage ~smile~", He started chatting with me. We had a nice conversation and asked a few questions and that was about it, we added each other to ICQ. I didn't see him much online after that, because he is three hours behind in time and 3000 miles away. One night he came into the chat room and said hey Cally (my nickname at the time) turn on your ICQ. I had a habit of keeping it off when I was in the chat room. We chatted for a long time, I asked a hundred questions. He had broken off the relationship with the woman that we both knew in common. But was meeting a close friend he had met in the park and had known for more than a year. So anyway we chatted as friends and left it at that.
A couple weeks went by and he showed up online. Things didn't work out with him and his long time friend. We chatted for hours, learning about each other. It seemed like every night he was online and we would chat about everything and laugh until the early hours of the morning. Then came the big question, "Can I call you". I thought long and hard about this, I mean he is 3000 miles away, he could not harm me. So he called and he talked and talked and talked. I would smile to myself because he talked so fast I could not understand him sometimes. I was extremely polite and just listened to him mostly, he made me laugh and he made me smile. He taught me things I never knew. He was so smart and I was so enchanted with him. He told me I was the first woman that was interested in what he had to say.
The weeks went by and we continued to chat on the Internet and we always seemed to find our way to the phone. I loved the sound of his deep voice and the way he pronounced his words. He has this little laugh that is almost sinister, it makes my heart pound every time I hear it. His passion for football is so strong that when he talks about it I can hear the excitement in his voice. He would sing "Sink the Bismarck" to me on the phone, now some might not think this is a very romantic song but to me his voice was magic. Being a history major, he taught me about WWII and his fascination with Hitler. He would talk about his assignments and read his essays to me. He taught me how to write html. He was my teacher, he shared his nights with me and held nothing back. He was so open and honest about everything. I trusted him more than anyone I had ever met. I wanted to hear his voice every night, he made me so happy.
Then there came a time when I felt myself caring deeply for him and I didn't want to hurt him, I had told a lie and the time had come to tell the truth, I didn't know how to get out of it. I talked to my best friend and revealed to her that I had an Internet friend and said I have lied to him. She told me, "Tell him the truth, if he can't forgive you then it was not meant to be." So the tears flowed, my heart ached and I wrote and rewrote him an email. He absolutely hated liars, he had told me this time and time again. So I thought of all the negatives about this relationship just so if he didn't forgive me I would have this to think about.
He talks History Okay so we don't have much in common. With the email sent to him I thought about it all day. He didn't show up online that night or the next and no email from him. Then someone in the park told me he didn't have my name beside his like he use too. So I wrote to him that morning and told him I wished him the best and thanked him for being my friend. It was over, how could he forgive me! I had lied. The tears fell easily that day.
She talks town politics
He likes orange juice
She likes coffee
He listens to Metallic
She listens to Jewel
He thinks Darth Maul is cool
She thinks Braveheart is cooler
His passion is football cards
Her's is poetry
He likes pizza
She likes salad
He loves to talk
And she loves to listen
That night when I came home from work I checked my email. There was one from Nightmare. I hesitated to open it. It took me a long time, because if his words were harsh I didn't want to read them. My heart skipped a beat there was hope. I started smiling. The last sentence he wrote, "It's Thursday ,your call NIGHT."
"Be honest from the start with each other. Not all would be as forgiving as Nightmare." I asked him why he forgave me. He said it was because I was the one who told him about the lie. If he had heard it from another, he would not have forgiven me.
We made plans to meet in January 2000, but I put it off until March. You see I really didn't think he would like me much and I didn't want to put myself through any heartbreak. Physical attraction means so much to some people. Eventually I knew it was inevitable we had to meet. We planned it for March 2000. Before I knew it he had bought the plane ticket and there was no getting out of it. Don't get me wrong about this. I wanted to meet him; I wanted to feel his warmth, his touch and his lips on mine. But I was so scared he would not be attracted to me. I finally told him my feelings about this and he said, "does it matter what I look like" I told him no, he said "then don't worry about what you look like, I like you for who you are." We had exchanged several pictures but sometimes they are deceiving. We are both attractive people. I don't know why I was so nervous about it.
I will skip right to the part your waiting for. The plans were for me to pick him up at the airport. I was there an hour early. I was so nervous my heart was beating fast and I just wanted to runaway. The plane landed and a bunch of people got off. Then there was no one. He stood me up! I could not believe it, how could he do this to me! Then two very slow old ladies got off. My heart started pounding again. He stood so tall all 6'3 of him in the doorway. His eyes searched and saw mine, he walked up to me; there was no hug, no kiss. Oh my God, he really doesn't like me, I kept thinking. We talked all the way to the hotel. At least we can be friends I thought. He sat on the bed. I sat on the bench. We talked a while, I felt shy, I didn't want to look him in the face. Our plans were to go to Montreal for a couple of days and I had some literature about it. He said, "why don't you come over here" so I did and we looked at the information. Then he put his arm around me, he kissed me and everything was beautiful.
We spent only four days together. Not long enough. I showed him around my State, he saw a buffalo, he thinks they are so cool. We went to Montreal and spent a night there. Went window-shopping and he bought me a "Brad Johnson jersey". Checked out the planetarium and the Olympic Stadium. I was sad the night before he was to leave. I shed a few tears and he said he would come back in May. I was happy again. The farewell was sad. I didn't want him to leave. But he has his life 3000 miles away and I have mine.
I thought about him coming back in May. Maybe he was just saying that because I was a little emotional the last night he was with me. It was an easy way for him to pacify me. He spoke no words of love. It could be he was just being nice. But I felt deep down that his feelings were the same for me as mine were for him. We talked quickly on the phone the night his plane arrived back in his home state, he was tired from the 12-hour flight and jet lag set in. He was 6 hours from his home and it wasn't until a couple days that we were finally able to talk on the phone freely. We talked about how much we liked each other and his trip back here in May. I was open and honest with him. We made plans for the future.
Our relationship continued as before. Chatting on ICQ every night and then picking up the phone. His phone calls became more frequent; he would call during the afternoon when I got home from work, surprising me. I found myself calling him a couple of times. I never wanted to share the bad with him because I didn’t want him thinking that I was complaining, so many people on the internet whine and complain about everything and to be honest I get very sick of that. One of my Internet friends told me I should share my bad days with him because he is there to help me and to listen to me. So there are times now that he must endure my complaints, I don’t think he minds, he takes it all in stride. My feelings have grown so strong and true for him I know that if anything were to happen with us right now I would leave the Internet and never look back.
When we talked about his coming back here in May for two weeks, it sounded like such a long time, two whole weeks compared to four very short days as before. I truly believe the two weeks went faster than the four days. We had such a fantastic time. We went back to Montreal for a few days and watched the Astros and Expos play baseball. I live in the heart of moose territory in Northern NH and for some reason every time we went looking for moose none were found, finally he got to see a few moose. We visited the Capital of NH and went to a few museums. He met my family and friends. Everything seemed so right between us.
Words of love were spoken, feelings were shared, dreams were realized and that is when I told him that I would never be able to give him his dream. I love him and he loves me, but to have a dream that can not come true could shatter a relationship forever.“ If you love something let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn’t it never was”.
Only time will tell.
When I first met sasha I was a regular in the R30’s room and occasionally visited the chamber. I wasn’t the most popular person in this room at the time for a couple of reasons, so found Myself in the chamber more and more but it was in the R30’s room when I met sasha.
I have been online for a couple of years and had had many people do many things to Me online and often people who I did not know would talk to Me searching for info that would be used against Me later- needless to say when sasha first spoke to Me I wasn’t too interested in sharing too much personal info with her. She had visited My web page and found some shared interest. We talked about these interests for weeks if not months. As time went on I found Myself talking more and more to her letting out bits of info wondering and watching for somebody else to approach Me with what I’d told her. It never happened and we talked more often becoming close friends- she truly cared about my interest and what was happening in My life and I cared about her. The first time we talked on the phone I knew she was special, I was able to talk about anything and she listened, even cared about everything I said- the words always came easy on the phone, never an awkward moment.
We talked more and more and I learned so much about her, as we became closer the talk of meeting one another began and our names were joined in the chamber. At first the idea of meeting bothered Me as I had previously met 2 others- neither of who had worked out for various reasons- but I had developed strong feelings for her and wanted to see if they would continue face to face. I told Myself why not, what’s the worst that could happen? I knew that regardless we would always be friends. We had planned to meet in January but that was put off to March as I think we both wanted more time to prepare although we both wanted to stand face to face. I got My plane ticket in January and I would be visiting here in March- I figured even if she never showed up at the airport I’d have a nice few days in a different area of the country.
The plane trip was long and gave Me way too much time to think of all the things that could go wrong but once on the plane there was no backing out- not that I would once the ticket was purchased. I was so glad when the plane finally landed and wanted to get off the plane to see what awaited Me. I had to follow the 2 oldest and slowest people remaining on Earth off the plane. I spotted her right away as I entered the airport almost hiding behind a sign- wasn’t a emotional outpouring at first sight, no hugs or kisses but I was relieved that she was there, smiling, and we were talking. The hardest part was over as we had now seen each other and My feelings hadn’t changed.
Once back at the hotel we talked and spent a little time planning our upcoming visit to Montreal, it wasn’t long before I got My first of what would be many kisssses from her :) The first NIGHT together was wonderful and I will never forget any of it. I was only there 4 days but things went great, we were both a little shy and perhaps held back a little in some areas but there was never a dull moment and the time flew by far too quick. sasha is much more open with her feelings than I am, she says the things that I feel but often cant say-not really sure why that is- I know I should’ve expressed more of My feelings when I was there and could tell this bothered her some.
Before I left we had planned for Me to return in May after My grad from college. I was there for 13 days and had a blast with her and her children- check back soon for more details on My second visit- can’t tell the whole story all at one sitting.You may not think this is a big deal, but for me it was the biggest adventure of my life and one I shall never forget. Try to imagine this. Small town country girl from New England going to the west coast. I had traveled to North Caroline when I was 17 but that was ages ago. So maybe you can understand why I was California Dreaming.
September 2000
I wasn’t traveling to California just for an adventure; I was going because of what was waiting for me.
