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Q: How do you change a blonde`s
mind?
A: Giving her another beer!
Babe....You've got eyes like spaners....(Why?)...Because
every time I see them my nuts tighten.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything it still won't come.
Q: What's the difference between
a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
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Created by Robyn Macklin and Todd Federman in response to "Rules
to be a
Man"
Rules to be a Woman
1. Refuse to talk to men when they
call because you're mad at them; or if you're not mad at them, listen
closely to what is said so that you can find something to get mad at.
2. If you don't like a guy, tell all your friends about his faults.
That way, it will get back to him and you won't have to tell him yourself.
3. Lying would be wrong; just always mean the opposite of what you
say.
4. Name your breasts. Be sure the names are practical... "left" and
"right", "hot" and "cold", "on" and "off", "not" and "yours".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else insist that your
friend lent it to someone else.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My name is_____. Would you like to go
back to my house for a game of Crisco twister?"
7. Drink bottled water.
8. Play with yourself. Deny it. Act like only men would do something
like that.
9. Be as particular as you can be about the important issues, but never
mean what you say.
10. Always remember: You are a woman. Therefore, no matter what, you
can
make it a man's fault.
11. Play games.
12. Men find it attractive if a woman is more obsessed about her weight
than her IQ.
13. Always ask for help. Even if you really don't need help -ask. Men
will think they're important.
14. If a man ignores you, it is because he doesn't need sex, so don't
give him any until flowers and candy are produced.
15. Vanity is important for women. Carry with you, at all times, no
less than seven containers of various makeup items, two brushes, a
mirror, and spare fingernails and eyelashes.
16. If you're an attractive woman, you are not required to be at all
personable or caring, since men will fall all over you regardless.
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a guy during Melrose Place or
90210 or soap operas or something as such, use only monosyllabic words
and noises. Screaming is permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Money and Looks.
19. Everyone finds a woman more attractive if she can write her name.
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20. A boyfriend can never have another female friend. Regardless of
what he says, any time he spends with her is betraying his girlfriend
in
every way possible.
21. When a guy does call you, listen for him to say something that
does not completely agree with you. End the conversation without saying
goodbye. The next day, insist that if he
cared, he would have called back.
22. Say things like "I can't believe you just did..."
23. Don't exhibit individuality. Only wear the style of clothes your
friends would wear, and don't let your boyfriend wear anything that
might allow him to express himself.
24. Bend the facts to suit your need.
25. Insist things that aren't true. Anything.
26. Good break up line, "I need time to think things through."
27. If you like a guy, tell all your male friends about him. Because
they will then tell him to ask you out so you will shut up.
28. Don't let him get a clue. When he buys you chocolate, complain
that
you're going to get fat. When he buys flowers, remind him how much you
like chocolate.
29. If he somehow gets a clue, pretend you don't know what he's talking
about.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If daddy doesn't like him, MARRY him.
33. When talking to you girlfriends, you have had sex with everyone
of
the guys that they have crushes on.
34. Remember; just because you don't say what you mean is no excuse
for
him to be confused.
35. Reason? What reason?
36. Tell your guy when he continually asks when you are going to have
sex that you will when he can remember that when you scream in bed it
is
because he is on your hair.
37. A relationship is one big game. If a man ever knows where he
stands, change the rules immediately.
38. Politically correct opinions are optimal because you are assured
to
be in agreement with your friends on a given issue and you will not
have
to exercise your mind to form your own opinion or express individuality.
39. Don't ever let him make a decision in or about the relationship.
If
you have to let him make one for some reason, make sure he understands
what will happen if he chooses wrong.
40. Every sentence that a man says can be contorted to have any meaning.
(The Wildcard Principle)
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41. If he fails to compliment your new outfit or notice that you've
had
your hair done, he's clearly more interested in your personality than
your appearance, and therefore thinks you're ugly.
42. Exaggerate.
43. "Logic" is not in your vocabulary; don't even think about saying
it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're trying to change does not conform
in 5 days, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your boyfriend. Make him beg and plead until you take him
back. Ditch him again. Repeat cycle.
46. Rearrange all the furniture and contents of every cabinet so he
can't find anything and act as if nothing has changed and life has
always been this way.
47. Make him apologize for every little thing until his spirit is
broken and he starts apologizing for things in advance.
48. If you haven't hurt someone yet, do.
49. Try to have a good memory, but only remember what's convenient
to
you, while forgetting (or simply denying) what is not convenient to
you.
Remember every word he says that can possibly be used against him in
a
future argument.
50. Crying solves problems. If it was your fault to begin with, he'll
still apologize if he sees you crying.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions, just
claim you weren't there or cry.
52. Create new diseases that explain the reason people wear mismatched
outfits, date losers, etc...
53. Complain about not getting compliments. When FINALLY you get them,
claim he is lying and continue complaining.
54. An argument winner: Say "Fine." and walk away.
55. Pick at your food and clam not to be hungry only if you are in a
public place with people you don't know.
56.Fix with your stockings only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! Tell them that it is the new treatment for stress.
58. You are a virgin. Always. Male will desire you more. And if they
can't tell when you fake an orgasm then they won't notice this either
59. You are female, therefore you are superior, since you can get men
to do whatever you want by letting them believe they are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get ice cream and a sappy movie. Eat
ice cream and cry over movie. Play with yourself. Deny it. Eat more
ice cream. Pass out.
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61. Females can never be pleased.
62. Notice only the trivial. Only outward appearances count. If a
hostess lays out the wrong silverware at a dinner party or wears shoes
that do not match her wristwatch, she is a bad person.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the guy you are going out with falls in love
with YOU, and then tell him, maybe you can get them to fight over you.
64. Basic fundamental rule of conversation: Quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: You may have to do it yourself.
66. If a man ever starts to understand you, then you have done something
wrong and must become even more strange and complicated.
67. If you cheat on a man, but no one finds out, then technically you're
just saving it for ammunition when you need it.
68. Crying gets you out of trouble, out of doing things you don't want
to do, and out of speeding tickets.
69. A good question to start a fight with is "Does this make me look
fat?" OR "Honey why do we never talk anymore?"
70. Men are your bellhops. Make sure that when you ring a bell they
hop.
71. Remember, every virgin male is waiting to be trained, but let
someone else do it
72. Remember: you can insist anything isn't true, you're cute.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so" and if you hear this
from a man, MAKE him apologize for it.
74. If your man makes you go the sporting goods store, comment on how
the color of balls such as footballs and soccer balls are so drab and
if they made them colorful women might watch games more. If you do this
so that other males can hear, you will never be asked to go against
your will again.
75. Keep track of how many times in your life you have thought about
Brad Pitt. Compare with others.
76. Other people's break ups are for your entertainment. Offer bad
advice and steal their boyfriend.
77. The silent treatment is a good way to get what you want. If he
wanted you to be quiet in the first place, then do nothing but yell
and
scream about how he never takes what you say to heart.
78. General Rule: Different is Trendy.
79. If anyone asks you for a favor -- (a) make a big deal about how
hard
it is for you to do it, (b) remind them of this huge favor you've done
for them every time you need anything.
80. Each pair of shoes you buy will take up that much more space in
the long run. So build a bigger closet.
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81. If he asks if anything is wrong, tell him "he should know". This,
buys you time to come up with something he needs to apologize for.
82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to see
you
again, but you have a really cute friend that I want to date so I'll
pretend to be your friend so you talk about how nice I am.
83. Always analyze hairs on you boyfriends shirt, It may not be his,
or
yours.
84. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the guy how many different outfits you tried on before the date, before
you found the right one to compliment his eyes.
85. When you tell a guy about your past, remember to let him know how
great your ex-boyfriends where, so he can have a measurement to go by.
86. Don't ever tell him how much he means to you. That would make him
feel comfortable enough to open up to you, in return.
87. If a guy breaks up with you because you love someone else, remind
him that you didn't give him the right to stop worshiping you.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and the Firemen from
the Wet Spot Calendar....
89. Practice your pouty faces with teary hurt eyes.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses to be mad. Then, whenever
you can't come up with one you have a few to spare.
91. Expect men to understand that your hormones will cause you to be
emotional at certain times of the month, but also expect men to retain
in control of their own emotions at all times.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first
try your best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do
what you were asked to do, but whine about it. Eventually they won't
ask
you anymore.
93. Spend hours in the bathroom making yourself look the way fashion
magazine editors think men want you to look. Never believe a man who
tells you that you're attractive without makeup.
94. Insist that you like "torment music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd,
or Oldies.
95. Whine. Then more whine.
96. Talk about pelvic exams. See if you can embarrass people.
97. One word: Shopping.
98. Real women huddle in groups and insult other women who don't fit
in
or wear the right clothes. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the
species to develop any self-esteem, do we?
99. Ditch your boy friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The
Gang" looking for someone better. One should never settle after all.
100. NEVER let a man have the last word.
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How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy.
Air Blonde
A blonde gets on an airplane and
sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn't
have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I have a good
job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess
who asks the woman to leave and
she says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I have a good job and
I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what
to do because they have to get the rest
of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The
copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately
gets up and goes to her seat in the economy section. The head stewardess
asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.
The copilot replies, "I told her
the front half of the airplane wasn't
going to Jamaica".
This one is my fave, however, I do
generally switch the gender before
telling it....
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great!
Should I pack for the ocean, or
should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get
the hell out."
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Why do women have small feet?
to stand closer to the sink!
What do you say to a woman with two
black eyes?
nothing it has already been said!
What do you do if your dishwasher
brakes down?
slap her!
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