SMUT FREE

..Two blondes were taking a walk one day and walked upon some tracks.One blonde said they were deer tracks. The other blonde said they were bear tracks. While they were arguing, a train ran them over.
..A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT" . After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well" and turned around and drove home.
..What did the dumb blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Gee, I hope it`s mine.
..A guy goes to his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table,and finishes them off.
As they are leaving, the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off'em."
..A little girl walks out of the bathroom, and her mother is making a cake.
She says, "Mommy, can i lick the bowl?"
Her mother says, " Will you flush it like everybody else..."

..One of the workers at the brewery falls in a huge vat of beer and drowns.
At the funeral, his wife is crying, "Oh, Ben, Ben, you never had a chance."
His foreman says, "What do you mean, 'never had a chance'? He got out twice to piss."

..What do you call an intelligent person in America?
A tourist.
..My favourite quote is
"I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers."
..How do you save a cop from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
..Australia : Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
..What's green and hangs from a tree.
Giraffe snot.
..A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve pigs in here!". The woman indigantly stands there and says " "This isn't a pig, it's a duck!". To which the bartender replies "I was talking to the duck".
..Why did the the Polish man leave his dog out in the sun?
Because he wanted a hot dog.

..Definition of a bad aim :
A pregnant mattress.
..An old lady was visting a famous museum and knocked over a large vase which smashed on the ground.
An attendant rushed over , aghast.
"That vase ," the attendant said,"was over five hundred years old."
"Oh , thank God!"said the old lady."I thought it was a new one.
..A furniture company sent this letter:
"Dear Mr Murphy,
What would your neighbours think if we had to send a van around to repossess your furniture because you have not met your payments?"
They recieved the reply
"Dear Sir
I have discussed the matter with my neighbours.They all think it would be a very mean thing to do.
..A girl sitting at a crowded dance in queensland, was pleased to see a handsome young man approaching her
"Are you going to dance?" he asked gallantly.
She coyly murmured, "Yes."
"Good," he said satisfied "Then I can have your chair."
.."Here is a photo of my new bride."
"Gosh. She must be very wealthy.
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.."Women are wise to cultivate beauty rather than brains," said a woman to a friend.
"Why is that?" asked the friend.
"Because there are thousands of stupid men to one blind one.
..Bruce went to the doctor for a check up.
"It is obvious to me that alcohol is entirely responsible for your poor physical shape".said the Doctor
"Well I am glad to hear that" said Bruce "because the wife keeps on insisting it is my fault".
..Very large lady in a dress shop:"I would like to see a dress that fits me."
Assistant:"So would I".
.."When I was your age,"
said the father to his son,"I only had sixpence a week pocket money,"
"You must have had a very mean father," said the son.
"I had a better father than you," said the father.
.."The doctor told me to take these pills for the rest of my life"
"So whats the problem?"
"He only gave me half a dozen."

.."Did you stamp the crate "THIS SIDE UP WITH CARE"?" asked the boss.
"Indeed I did," was the reply, "and just to make sure, I put it on the bottom as well."

..A woman stopped at the blind man and dropped all her small change into his cup with a clunk.
"God bless you lady," he said ."I knew you were kind-hearted the moment i saw you you turn the corner."
..Wife to stingy husband: "Did you leave anything for the waiter ?"
Husband:"No I was so hungry i ate it all."
..Notice in a dentists waiting room:
"We will do our best to see patients in pain as soon as possible."
..A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge.
The husband pointed to a mule in a paddock.
"Relatives of yours ?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied."By marriage."
.."A few drinks makes you look better," said the man to his rather plain dancing partner.
"I have not being drinking ," she said.
"No but I have."
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