GREAT

The owner is somewhat taken aback but says nothing. They go to the next room and the owner selects a deep, earthy brown. Again, the contractor agrees, then walks to a window and yells, "Green side up!"

So it goes in room after room. Whatever color the owner selects, the contractor agrees but then immediately walks to a window and yells, "Green side up!"

Finally, the owner calls him on it: "Look!" she says, "I don't think you're taking me seriously. Whatever color I choose, you yell 'Green side up!'"

"Aw, don't worry about it lady," the contractor says. "It has nothing to do with you. It's just that I've got a couple of blondes laying grass across the street."

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An Australian businessman goes to South Korea on business. Being lonely and not knowing many people, he picks up a hooker. They get up to his hotel room and quickly get down to having a root. The guy is getting pretty proud of himself because the prosi keeps shouting "Gamma Sum" "Gamma Sum". He's not sure exacly what this means but based on the rumors he'd heard about oriental twat and the way she kept screaming, he assumed that it was a high level Korean compliment.

The next day, he was promoting his product on the golf course with some wealthy Korean businessmen. One of the men hit a hole in one and everybody was ecstactic. Wanting to try out his new Korean expression, he turned to the man and said "Gamma Sum".

The man said, "What the hell do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

Q. What is it that has four letters, the last three are U, N, T and it has to do with 'Essentially feminine'?
A. AUNT

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A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said,"Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes: one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

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A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small-town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbour bridge, and the man is further unimpressed: "I have a duck pond bigger that that harbour, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Syndey-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn -- "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself: "Bloody grasshoppers!"

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my Red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now TWO pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the Captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. Once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a Captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were more pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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Researchers from the University of Bologna report that a birth control pill for men is feasible. Isn't is funny that this is being studied at a University named after a floppy little piece of meat?

Did you hear about the two blondes that ran into the building?
You would have thought that one of them would have seen it!!!!

What do you call boobs on a girl scout?
Brownie Points.

What is the speed limit for sex?
69 -- and then you turn around!

What is the difference between cum and yoghurt?
Yoghurt doesn't hit your throat at 70mph!

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A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York city. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, Ah' never seen nothing like this in my life; Ah don't rightly know what it is."

While they stood watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up, pressed a button and the walls opened. The old lady rolled between them and onto the elevator. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights move from one number to another. They continued to watch as the lights reversed themselves. Then the walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father could hardly contain himself. He turned to his son and said, "Boy, go get yer Maw!"

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There is a minnow swimming in a pond, who spots a worm. "Hmm," thinks the minnow, "if I swim up and eat that worm, I'll have lunch!"

There is a frog sitting on a lily pad, thinking to himself, "If I wait for that minnow to go after that worm, I can jump in and eat him and I'll have lunch!"

There is a fish in the pond who sees the frog and thinks, "If I wait for the frog to go after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can swim over and eat him, and I'll have lunch!"

There is an eagle flying over the pond, who spies the fish and thinks, "If I wait for the fish to swim over to eat the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can swoop down and catch him, and I'll have lunch!"

There is a hunter by the side of the pond staring up at the eagle and thinking, "If I wait for the eagle to swoop down to get the fish that is going after the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can shoot him and I'll have lunch!"

There is a mouse sitting behind the hunter thinking, "If I wait for the hunter to bend down to shoot the eagle when it dives after the fish that is going for the frog that is going for the minnow that is going for the worm, the crackers will fall out of his pocket, and I'll have lunch!"

There is a cat sitting behind the mouse thinking, "If I wait for the mouse to go after the crackers which fall out of the hunter's pocket when he bends down to shoot the eagle that is diving after the fish that is going for the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm (phew!), I can pounce on him, and I'll have lunch!"

The minnow darts, the frog jumps, the fish swims over, the eagle dives, the hunter bends down to shoot, the crackers fall and the mouse is about to run after them, when he hears a noise behind him and instinctively crouches down reeeaaal low. The cat pounces where he was expecting the mouse to be, and goes sailing into the pond.

The moral of the story?

The longer the climax, the wetter the pussy.

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A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realise certain protocols must be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts".

The second man is only too happy to help & in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking".

They yell back, "We're not fucking".

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking".

Again they yell back, "We're not fucking".

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking".

They yell back, "We're not fucking!!".

Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking!".

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DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball etc.on TV

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Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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Before I was married my wife was oversexed.
But now she's married she's over sex.

A blonde doing a driving test was failed when the car stalled.
She got into the back seat from force of habit

What's a flasher's theme song?
Whistle while you lurk.

What's a flasher's motto?
Grin and bare it

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it

Did God invent computers before humans?
Yes (because Eve had an Apple and Adam had a Wang).

And I found out that Boozy Bruce is a light drinker.
As soon as it's light he starts drinking. (Bulldust! I've done some of my best work in the dark!!!)

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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked! Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you!"

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again:

"Okay ..... NOW you're fucked!"

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A priest and a rabbi crashed into each other in the middle of a blind curve on a very narrow road. Both cars were completely destroyed, yet the priest and the rabbi climbed out without injury.

After surveying the mess the rabbi says, "This must be a message from God that you and I should become very good friends".

The priest replies, "Yes, I think so too"!

The rabbi looks in his car and finds a gallon of wine. He says to the priest, "I think this is another message from God that we should celebrate our survival of such a near tragic accident"!

The priest agrees. The rabbi passes the jug to the priest and he ups it and drinks nearly half of the jug. He puts the top back on and passes it to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the top off, sniffs it and put the top back on.

The priest says, "Rabbi, are you not going to drink wine with me"?

And the rabbi replies, "No, thanks -- I'm waiting for the police"

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What do you call a dog with no legs? A cigarette, 'cause every night you take him out for a drag

When he walked into her bedroom, a father saw his daughter masturbating with the aid of a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"I'm 30 years old, fat, ugly and I've never even had a date. There's no way I'll ever get married so this electronic device is my substitute husband."

Several days later the daughter comes home from work and sees her dad sitting in a chair watching TV. He's got a beer in one hand and her vibrator in the other.

"What's going on?" she asks.

"Just having a beer with my son-in-law." he says.

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101 things NOT to say during Sex

 1. But everybody looks funny naked!

 2. You woke me up for that?

 3. Did I mention the video camera?

 4. Do you smell something rotten?

 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

 6. Try breathing through your nose.

 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

 8. Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?

 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

 10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?

       Person 2: Yeah.. today

 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

 13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

 14. Do you accept Visa?

 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

 17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

 22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

 25. Got any penicillin?

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 26. But I just brushed my teeth...

 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

 29. I want a baby!

 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

 34. I think you have it on backwards.

 35. When is this supposed to feel good?

 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

 37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

 38. Is that blood on the headboard?

 39. Did I remember to take my pill?

 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

 42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

 47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

 49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

 50. You're almost as good as my ex!

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 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

 53. You look younger than you feel.

 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

 60. What tampon?

 61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

 64. I have a confession...

 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

 68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

 72. Did you come yet, dear?

 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasising about if you tell me who you're fantasising about...

 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

 75. Does this count as a date?

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 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

 78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

 79. Q: You can cook, too right?  A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)

 80. When would you like to meet my parents?

 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... 

       Woman: Yourself?

 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

 88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

 93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

 95. Is this a sin too?

 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

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This young couple got married. On their honeymoon they were very anxious to consummate the marriage because they were both virgins. They had saved themselves for the right partner and for marriage.

Because of their sexual inexperience they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex". This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.

The first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They both had many years of pent-up sexual frustration to expend so they "did the laundry" no less than 5 times that first night and finally fell asleep together completely exhausted.

In the middle of the night the new husband woke up and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" But she was very tired and all of this new abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.

A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you...we can do the laundry again if you want" and he replied, "That's OK.. it was a small load, so I did it by hand."

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Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A. A Mega-Sore-Ass

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get caught redhanded. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon -- one prick, all gone.

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PRISON OR WORK?

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.

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Q: What did the Scottish scientists say to the skeptics who claimed that the sheep they cloned was probably a hoax?

A: "We realize the repercussions which will ensue if it in fact is not a cloned animal, but nevertheless, we are prepared to stand behind our work." (I'll bet they are. So why is it suddenly newsworthy that Scotsmen are sexually tinkering around with sheep?)

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Old Mr. Wienstien owns a factory that makes nails. He eventually retires and leaves his son to run the business. Just before Easter, he's reading a magazine and sees an ad with Christ on the cross and the message: "Use Wienstien nails for all your tough jobs."

He's appalled. He calls up his son and complains that the ad is terrible. The son apologises and promises to fix it.

A few days later, the old man opens another magazine. Now he sees a picture of a bare cross, with a bloody body wearing a crown of thorns lying at the foot. The caption: "Should have used Wienstien nails!"

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