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CLASSICS
STUNNERS
SAINTLY
MAD!
MESSAGE BOARD GUESTBOOK JOIN MAILING LIST E-MAIL JOKE AUTHOR
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SUPER
The taxi driver jumps at his chance and gets in the back of the taxi with the young girl. He takes his trousers off and as she sees the size of his huge member she thinks, "Wow, this is my lucky night! I may have lost my purse but its not every night you can get a lift home and get rodgered by a bloke with a 12" dick into the bargain". She looks again as she hears the taxi driver fumbling about and sees him slipping a series of large washers over the end of his member. "Oy, what's this!" she shouts, "What sort of pervert are you?" The taxi driver looks up and says: "Well, you didn't expect the whole thing for only $10, did you?"
A man takes the day off work and decides
to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting
next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when
he hears, "Ribbit.9 Iron" |
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The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...." At this point the mini owner interrupted. "But do you have a video in there?" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out. "I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly. "What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?" A young boy comes home from school and his mother says, "What did you do today?" To which the boy says, "Oh, the usual, I had a maths test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher." The mother, aghast, doesn't know what to say! She stutters and stammers and finally says "Go and tell your father what you just told me!" The boy goes into see his father and says, "Gee, mum is really mad." The father says, "Why?" "I just told her what I did in school today - I had a maths test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher." Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says "Congratulations--you passed a milestone. I tell you what--let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike." To which the boy says -- "The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold off on the bike a few days--my arse is killing me." A wizard was taking a walk in a park and came to this statue of man and a woman sculpted in an erotic position. The wizard thought to himself, "You know, I'm gonna do something nice today. I'm going to bring this statue of this man and woman to life and let them have a half hour to do whatever the want." So the wizard brings these two figures to life. He tells them, "I'm gonna let you two have an entire half hour to do whatever you want to do. So, go about your business." The man and the woman look at each other, and head for some nearby bushes. The wizard, feeling really happy about what he's done as he notices the rustle of leaves by the bushes. After 10 minutes, the man and the woman come out of the bushes, smiling and laughing. They walk over to the wizard and thank him for bringing them to life. "How was it?" inquired the wizard. "It was great for me. How about you, honey?" replied the man. "Oh, it was great for me, too." responded the woman. The wizard, somewhat confused, says, "Well, you two were only there for 10 minutes. It sounds like you had a great time. Why don't you go back in the bushes and do it again. You still have twenty minutes of life." The man, smiling, looks at the woman, and says, "Okay, but this time you hold the pigeon while I shit on it." A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did. The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN ALLEY". Q. Why did the blonde throw bread into the toilet?
Q. What was Michael Jackson's latest disappointment?
Q. Why was the blonde so happy to finish the
jigsaw puzzle in two days? A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies: "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." There were these three nuns and they had been behaving very well. So the mother superior said to them "Look sisters you have all behaved really well lately and just for that I want you three to go out and do something bad for a change." So they said alright. The first nun came back and said "I robbed a bank" The mother superior said, "That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water now". The second nun came back and said "I stole a car" The mother superior said "That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water now". The third nun came back and said, "I pissed in the holy water". After a night of heavy drinking, Kevin was scared silly to see two rings around his penis -- one red, the other brown. He rushed to his doctor. "There's good news and bad news," the medic said after completing his examination. "The good news is that the red ring is lipstick." "And the bad news?" "The brown ring is chewing tobacco."
Kev phones his office in the morning and says to his boss, "Boss, I'm not coming in today, I'm sick. His boss says, "Exactly how sick are ya"? The guy replies, "Well, I'm in bed with my sister" !! So there was a guy drinking at a bar in the country recently. The guy had drunk until he had no money left. The guy pleaded with the bartender to give him some drinks on the house. The bartender repeatedly declined the offer. After 10 minutes of nagging the bartender agreed, but only if the man did three things for the bartender. The drunk said sure. First you must go out and knock out the bouncer -- who was over 150kg and had huge biceps. Next you must go out the back and pull the bad tooth out of my dog. Then finally you must have sex with the town slut. So the drunk proceeded out the front and with a couple of hits the bouncer was on the ground. The bartender looked up in amazement and then pointed to the back to where the dog was. After a few seconds the bartender heard a loud RUFF! RUFF! Five minutes latet RUFF! RUFF! again. Then 10 minutes later RUFF!RUFF!. The bartender was just starting to get worried when the drunk came in through the front with a big smile on his face and said, "So ,where is this town slut with the bad tooth?" Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road LRRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf", says LRRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track LRRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts LRRH. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you fuck off bitch! I'm trying to take a shit!". Q. Why do blondes make the guys they screw wear
condoms? Q. Why is a blonde at the end of a party like
a selection of biscuits ? Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
Teacher in classroom decided to have a bit of a competition for the kiddies on a Friday afternoon. So she says, "All right, if you answer the question correctly you can go home early. I'll give you a famous quotation and you tell me who said it". "Who said "I shall return"?". All the kids were thinking away when Hang Fong puts his hand up and says "That was General MacArthur, miss" "Very good, Hang, off you go" "Now who can tell me who said "I came, I saw, I conquered"?". Again all the little kiddies thought hard until Stephen Nguyen raised his hand and said "Miss, that was Julius Caesar". "Well done Stephen, you can have an early mark as well" Meanwhile little Johnny is sitting at the back of the classroom getting mighty pissed off at this. The teacher said, "All right, I'll ask just one more question. Who said "Life wasn't meant to be easy"?". Little Johnny's hand shot into the air but as usual the teacher decided to ignore him, so when Suzy Ho put her hand up the teacher asked her. "Miss, that was Malcolm Frazer". With that little Johnny muttered, "Fuckin Asian bastards!" "Who said that?" demanded the teacher. Little Johnny stood up, grabbed his books and school bag and headed for the door, saying, "Pauline Hanson -- see ya Monday, miss!" There's this Indian fellow and he walks into a supermarket. He asks the attendant what types of toilet paper they have. The attandant tells him that they have several brands, ranging from the Kleenex for five bucks a roll to the NO-NAME brand for twenty cents a roll. So the Indian man says, "OK, I will have two rolls of NO-NAME paper, please". The next week he comes back into the store and says to the attendant, "I have thought of a name for your NO-NAME toilet paper." "Oh yes -- and what's that?" "I shall call it the John Wayne toilet paper." "Why?" "Because, it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit from no Indian!" Times were very tough, so the missus and I decided the only thing for it was for her to sell her body for money. She agreed and I dropped her off on a corner in a less than pleasant part of town, promising to come and fetch her in the morning. Next morning I arrive at the corner and there's the missus, looking totally fucked up, her hair a mess, makeup smudged and obviously needing a lot of rest. She climbs in the car and excitedly says: "Look honey, I made 40 bucks and 50 cents." "Which of the buggers gave you 50 cents?" I asked. "All of them!" she said. A kid is sitting on the side of the road, holding a bottle. A priest comes along and asks what he has in the bottle. "Turpentine," the kid replies. "The most powerful thing in the universe." The priest studies the bottle reflectively for a moment, then says, "Son, the most powerful thing in the universe is holy water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's stomach, she'll pass a baby boy." The kid says, "Shit, that ain't nothin'. You rub this on a cat's arse, it'll pass a motorcycle!" Three cowboys were sitting around the campfire, out on the lonesome trail, each with a tale of bravado for which cowboys are famous. "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is," the first cowboy said with a sneer. "Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six grown men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands!" The second cowboy couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, that's nothing," he said. "I was walking down the trail yeterday when a 15ft rattler made a move for me. I grabbed it with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked down all of its poison! And I'm still here to tell the tale!!" All this time, the third cowboy remained silent, and the first two turned to look at him as he slowly stoked the red-hot coals with his penis! A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again. One day a station manager on a rather large outback property needed a fence repaired on one of the farm boundaries, so he called on one of his stockmen to do the repairs. "I want you to go out to the northen boundary and fix the fence", he instructed. "Take the four wheel drive, and if you have any troubles, call me on the two-way." "Ok", said the stockman, and he set off. Four hours later the station manager got a call... "What is it?", asked the station manager. "Well, I was driving back in the four wheel drive and I ran into a pig!", says the stockman. "Yeah, so what's the problem?", asks the station manager. "Well, he's stuck in the bullbar! And he's still alive and kicking so much that I can't get him free!!!", says the stockman. "All right mate! I'll tell you what to do!", says the station manager. "Behind the front seat, you'll find a .303. Take it out, load it, and put the barrel against the pig's head and fire! It'll go all limp and you can pull it out from the bullbar! Then, drag it into the bushes and dump it there!" "Beauty! No worries mate!", replied the stockman. About 15 minutes later there was another call. "Boss?", says the stockman. "What is it now?", replies the station manager. "I done exactly as you said, but I still can't move the truck," says the stockman. "Why not?", asks the station manager. "Well, it's his motorbike, It's jammed underneath the damn car!" Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job in Sydney and buys 50 acres of land in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded farmer in a check shirt standing there. "Gidday, name's Bruce... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Bruce is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you mate, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Bruce stops. "There's probably gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Bruce turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's NOT a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" "Whatever you want," says Bruce. " It's just gonna be the two of us." The Pope was kidnaped by some Italian Terrorists, who told him that, in order to be released, he would have to be photographed screwing a 17-year-old girl. The terrorists figured that with this hanging over his head, the Pope would stop the church's campaign against terrorism. The pontiff was outraged. But after the terrorists made it clear that he would be killed otherwise, he reluctantly agreed, but only on three conditions. "One," the Holy Father said, "the young girl must be blindfolded so she cannot see what horrible thing is happening. Two, the girl must be wearing earplugs so she can't hear." "All right," the leader of the terrorists said. "What's the third condition?" The Pope replied, "The girl's got to have real big tits." Guy goes to the doctor and says: "I have three problems doc." "First, my wife is a sex maniac. Screw, screw, screw all night. I'm almost too tired to go to the office." "Second, my secretary is a sex maniac. Screw, screw, screw all day, it's absolutely burning me out." "And thirdly, and this's the problem thats really worrying me, is that I get blackouts when I wank." A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order three pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers, squeezes it and says, "Alright ye wee fucker. Spit it out! Noo!" An 83 year-old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. And he told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap. Three generations of prostitutes, daughter, mother and grandmother were all living in the same house. One morning the daughter comes home totally knackered after a hard night's work. She says to her mother and grandmother, "You know, times are really getting hard. I just had to give a bloke a blow job and all I got for it was ten bucks". The mother says, "You should consider yourself lucky - in my day all I got was two and sixpence". The grandmother looks at both of them and says, "You two should consider yourselves lucky -- in my day we were happy just to have meat in our mouths and something warm in our bellies". |