TESTIMONY

When I was growing up as a child, I believed in the existence of God though it was more or less a belief out of fear than out of love for what He did for me upon the cross. As far as the sacrifice that He made, I didn't know anything about it. I just knew of God and Jesus and that was all I knew. I remember reading my Bible that my great grandmother gave me, a Gideon's which I still have to this day and I did enjoy it but back then, it was more of a piece of literature to me than it was

the Word of God. I guess that's why my life took the drastic turn that it did not too long afterwards. I look back on it now and I wonder where I went wrong but even to this day, the answer escapes me. It wasn't so much that I became this "bad" kid cause I did well in school and got good grades. I even had the respect of my teachers but no, it was much worse. I began to doubt the existence of God, the one who breathed life into this body. When I was in high school, a person would ask me if I believed in a heaven or hell, if I believed in a God who loved us so much that He would send His son to die for my sins and my answer would always be "no". Perhaps my belief, or actually my disbelief, was shaped by so many hypocritical Christians I would see. They would tell me that I had to get myself right with God otherwise I was destined to go to hell and yet no more than a few minutes later, they themselves would be engaging in sin. Well, after I graduated in '92, I remembered this beautiful young woman who I was too shy to talk to when I was in school so I got up the nerve one evening to call her house. I asked her if she'd care to go out sometime and she asked me something that I'm thankful she did.  She asked me if I went to church and of course I couldn't lie to her and so I told her I didn't. Well she invited me out to her church service that coming Sunday and I was more than willing. I had no idea what going that Sunday morning would mean and how much my life would be changed. I go into her Sunday school class and our teacher opens up with a word of prayer. What I experienced in those few moments as he prayed I will never forget. For the first time in my life, I felt the love of the God who for so long I had denied. The God whose name I would take in vain over the slightest thing. When it came time for the altar call later in the service, I felt I had to go. A part of me went because just about everyone else went down and yet another part of me went because I felt as though it was what I needed to do. Well, you would think that after giving my heart to the Lord I would be fine and walking the way I should and for a little while I was. I was praying every chance I got and reading the Word just about as much. I was trying my best to witness the friends who I used to hang out with all the time and they would just scoff and mock me. But I kept going. Unfortunately, my walk was about ready to take a turn that was just about as bad as when I first denied the Lord. I started hanging out with the wrong section of the youth group and after awhile, the fire and zeal I once had was no more than a brief flicker. I met this girl who went to the church and in my trusting newly converted mind, I was thinking that since she was in church on a regular basis then I didn't have anything to worry about.  I was wrong. Unfortunately, she and I ended up sleeping together and later broke up and I was left more confused than ever. And what is worse is that I now felt separated from God.  I tried to get back in to where I once was spiritually but to no avail cause I felt more lost than ever. And yet despite my best efforts to get back, I found myself steadily drifting farther and farther away. Relationship after relationship would pass and I continually did what I had done in previous relationships...sin against the Lord. I remember one evening when I was at church, a bunch of people from the youth group were in one of the rooms seeking after the baptism of the Holy Ghost and I knew that I wanted more of God but I felt so unworthy. How could I, one who had been sinning against God, think that I deserved to receive what He was willing to pour out on me. That was the lie I kept listening to even though I know now it was just Satan trying to keep me bound in sin. Well, a few years passed and I finally got my act together. I met a woman who I had worked with for awhile and we started dating and I ended up going with her to her church. There was such a powerful move of God in that place that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was my time to get back into where He was. I received a true coversion and was baptised and filled with the same Holy Ghost that I once thought I was unworthy of receiving. Ya know what, I was unworthy but in His great love towards me I found that His love and grace goes beyond our unworthiness for it is by His grace that we are saved. And even though over the years I have unfortunately yielded to temptation on occasion, instead of turning away from Him in shame I have turned towards Him in repentance knowing that He is my all and that He is able to deliver even a doubting sinner such as myself from out of bondage.