I am about to admit something I am so ashamed of. For some reason I am going to tell you all this. Maybe it will help me deal with it if I get it all written out. I have issues. I know this is nothing new ;) but it is bugging me.
My step sister in-law, Michele, is pregnant. I am pretty sure you all know that. Anyway, back when she was trying to get pregnant, I was so excited for her. She wanted to know about temping and all that fun stuff. I told her what I could and was very supportive. Well, she got pg and I got JEALOUS! I could never figure out why. After all, I was pg with my third baby, surely she deserved ONE! So it has bugged me for 8 months now. Let me share what I discovered about me, but I have to back up.
Growing up, Aimee was the favorite. This is not an exageration, both of my parents will tell you it is true. Mom always says I was definitely put on the back burner. Aimee was the smart one, the one who excelled at everything. I made it my job to be as different from her as possible. After all, there would be no competing with someone so perfect. In doing this I just made her more the favorite. I would never accomplish great things like her.
Well guess what happened? I got married right out of highschool("not what we had planned for you" I kept hearing) and I let everyone down. I had no desire to further my education like Aimee, I just wanted to be a housewife. Shame on me. But then something else happened. Something that neither of my parents wanted to happen at that time. His name was Matthew. No one thought we were ready, but at the same time they all fell head over heels in love with him. I had finally done something good! I was WORTH something! The first grandbaby. Then along came Dillon, and I was still good!! I was giving mom her blood grandchildren. It is highly possible that Aimee will never have kids. I was able to do something she couldn't. Well, at least she has no desire to. I was a mommy, and she wasn't.
Then when Dilly was a baby, Dave and Michele moved into the Cleveland area. We were still in Oregon. Mom and Michele formed a tight friendship. I have been jealous of that friendship. I want the nonjudgemental relationship they have. So Michele was now wonderful. BUT I still had the grandkids. (the cousins I spoke of last week don't count because mom never sees them so has no relationship with them)
Now, Michele the wonderful is having a baby. And mom says all the time how she is sure Michele will raise her kids like mom did (ie. strictness, spanking, etc) where I have not. I know, logically it is such a silly thing. I mean the only people who TRULY matter are the 5 of us. But still it irks me.
I have talked to mom about it, and she assures me this won't happen, but it still nags me. I just want to be worth something in my parents eyes. I may not have a college education, or some booming career. I may have done this all backwards getting narried and having kids before Matt was done with school. But we have done alright. We are happy. Our kids are happy, they know they are loved. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I just want to feel like my parents feel like I turned out alright after all. I know I really have nothing in common with them as far as education, social status, and how I raise my kids, but still that doesn't make me worthless just different.
It seems like I have said all this before, but the impending birth brings it up again. Sorry to bore you! :) |
