I found out I was pregnant for the third time on Father's Day 2000. What a great gift for Matt!! We were so thrilled. We had been planning this baby since the summer of 99. I was due Februaury 25, 2001, but knew I had ovulated late so I would probably be due in early March. I couldn't wait.
We went with family to Florida in late June, early July, for a week vacation at Disney World. For some reason we didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant yet. I felt so sneaky with this secret I had that was right under everyone's noses that week!! Except sometime in the middle of the week I woke up with a horrible feeling. I told Matt I felt like I wouldn't be pregnant very much longer. Of course he told me I was nuts, and that soon I would feel like I was going to be pregnant forever. All I could think for the rest of the week was how bad I wanted to do a pregnancy test just to see if I was still pregnant. I know that sounds incredibly silly, but at the time it made sense.
A week after we got home I had my first dr's appointment. I was so excited, because I would be getting an ultra sound and would know my due date for sure. I was 8 weeks along and feeling great, but with a nagging feeling that this wouldn't last for long. I will never forget one of my friends telling me that we would have no negative Nellies. I put that in my head and thought positive thoughts. On July 12 I went to the dr with Matt.
The nurse took us in the room and got out a book. She opened it and said, at 8 weeks this is what your baby will look like, so you will see this bean shape on the ultra sound. WOOHOO!!! I couldn't wait to see my baby!! Dr. Pasqualone came in and started the ultra sound. I could tell right away something was wrong.
There was a baby on the screen, but it certainly didn't look like a bean. It was tiny tiny. The dr told us that the baby was measuring at 6 weeks. I knew I had ovulated late, but not that late. The good news was there was definitely a heart beat. There was hope. She explained to us that when they see this it could go either way. She said I could be off on my dates and everything could be fine, or we could lose the baby. She gave us some pictures and told me to come back in a week to see how the baby was growing. I would never make it to that appointment.
I was bummed for sure, and knew in my heart that we would lose the baby. But I tried to stay positive. I was already so attached to this baby that we had wanted for so long. The next day at work I started to spot. I felt it and knew immediately what was happening. I called Matt in tears and told him to come pick me up. It was very light spotting, and I still had some hope. The ultra sound I had had was an internal ultra sound and they informed me it could cause spotting. I was praying so hard that that was the case. But I knew better.
I called the drs office and they said since I was just lightly spotting it was most likely from the ultra sound and to just rest with my feet up, unless it got worse. Well, the spotting stopped that evening. I can't tell you how happy I was, the spotting was from the ultra sound, nothing to worry about!! I decided to take the next day off and just rest. Matt would go in to work for me. When I woke up on July 14th, 2 days after my ultra sound, I could tell I hadn't spotted all night. It was ok!! Matt went to work, we were both so relieved. After he had been gone awhile I got up to go to the bathroom.
That is when my life changed. I stood up and blood just gushed out. I didn't have any idea what to do. I was so scared. I had heard that a miscarriage hurts as bad as labor, and all I could think of was what a horrible thing to have to go through, and not get to hold that baby afterwards. I wanted to die, I didn't want to be doing this. I called the dr and she said to come in for another ultra sound. So I had to call Matt as he was getting to work and have him come home to take me.
At that ultra sound all we saw was black. There was still tissue, and I hadn't even really begun the miscarriage process. I had no cramping and just mild bleeding now. She explained that I could let things happen naturally, but there was no telling how long that would take. And Matt had to go out of town the next week. I certainly didn't want to do this alone. And I really didn't want to have the pain, with no reward at the end. I just wanted it over. We decided I would have a D&C, but I had eaten that morning so had to wait till that evening because of the anesthetic.
We arrived at the hospital at 3:30, I tried to hold it together, but really I just wanted to go into one of the rooms where the new babies were and hold one so tight. But my boys were with me, and I had to be strong for their sake. I didn't cry. Then the dr came and explained what would happen, and I cried.
They took me to the C Section room and put me to sleep. When I woke up I just wanted to go back to sleep, and not face reality. I wanted my baby back. By 6 we were leaving. I was being wheeled out of labor and delivery with empty arms, and it hurt. Not physically....my heart hurt.
At home Matt tucked me into bed to sleep while he and the boys went to go get my pain medication. I never needed it though. At times I wished that it would hurt physically, so that I wouldn't think of how badly I was hurting emotionally. But there was no pain. And I was empty. I would have never thought that after 8 weeks I would feel so attached to our baby, and that it could leave me so empty.
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