Unbending Rules for Stray Cats!

We have had some problems with the soil washing away under our front porch. I can not count the number of stray cats who have taken up residence under there and of course they all know I have a very soft heart when it comes to cats. I think there's a sign someplace with directions to our house that says something like:

"Free Room and Board, - This Way"

Well, I finally had to set some serious rules to deal with this situation!

  • Stray cats will not be fed.

  • Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

  • Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

  • Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

  • Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

  • Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

  • Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

    She'll never notice me
    now that I've hidden!

  • Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

  • Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

  • Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

  • Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

  • Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

  • Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
  • Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

  • Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

  • Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

  • Stray cats will sleep outside.

  • Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

  • Stray cats will sleep in the house.
  • Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

  • Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

    Am I precious, or what?!

  • Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

  • Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

  • Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

  • Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

  • Stray cats will not play on the desk.

  • Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

  • Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard when the human is asdfjj000hhkl; ljfd.;oier' USING IT.

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