Domestic Violence

A Violation of Humanity

I was married to a man for sixteen years that I loved very much. I did learn there is truth to the saying "There is a fine line between love and hate". At times I loved him with all my heart and still do. Other times I hated him with a passion. There is no way I could go into the countless times of physical abuse within our marriage. To be hit by your partner is something a lot of people can relate to. The circumstances and details are immaterial. We all have our story and it amounts to the same thing. Physical abuse is unexceptable in any form or fashion. It cannot be justified for any reason. Through a long, hard road of experiences I have learned there is a pattern to a physically abusive person that is unlikely to change. The first few years I got hit he always had been drinking and swore he didn't remember it. There was always a promise it would never happen again. A few months would go by fairly smooth but that day would always come around sooner or later. I'm not sure if I believed him or just wanted to. Thinking about it now, how could he promise not to do it again if he didn't remember doing it in the first place? Eventually that excuse didn't satisify me anymore. He started putting the blame for his actions on me. He used excuses like "Well if you hadn't pushed me too far..." or "If you hadn't said or done..." it wouldn't have happened. I started believing maybe he was right. I even believed at times that I deserved it. He was always drinking beer when he knocked me down or pushed me around. He blamed me. I blamed his drinking. Regardless, the results were the same and not likely to change. I did have that hope though, for many years. I did want to keep the family together for the kids. With time I lost respect for him and started thinking of ways to get out of my marriage. I even cheated on him a couple times thinking that might lead to a way out. That is what you call jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I honestly felt stuck. I had acquired an attitude about being hit. I was used to it so the tears were no longer there. When he hit me I attacked him like a wild woman. He spent more energy getting me off of him than he did hitting me to start with. Eventually when he got in my face threatening to hit me I dared him to go ahead. I honestly didn't care if he did or not. One day I packed the kids in the car and left him. I was gone about a year when he showed up on my doorstep. He begged me to forgive him and get back together. Be a real family. He reassured me that he had learned his lesson and seldom drank. I had two kids then and they were sure excited to see their Daddy. I went back. Got pregnant and had our third child. For a couple years things went fairly well. We had our ups and downs but he never hit me. Then one day it just started up again. It didn't matter if he was drinking or not. When he got mad, he was mad. He had a look on his face that scared me. A strange look that accompanied a rage. One day the kids and I were dancing in the kitchen. He was taking a nap. It thundered and woke him up. He came storming into the kitchen. Angry because nobody put the tools up he had left laying in the back of the pick-up truck. He was throwing a fit and we were all following behind him. First he threw a tool and busted out the tail light on my car. Then he started yelling at the kids. I came to their defense and sent the kids in the house. He knocked me from the truck across the yard and back. When I went in the house the kids were standing together in their room. They were getting older and informed me that was the last time they would stand back and watch that happen. They wanted to fight their father. The next time he had been off drinking with a friend of his. Came home drunk and mad because he got his truck stuck on private property and had to get it out of there. In the middle of the night. When I got home the kids were so upset. They were afraid. They told me the thought of me being in the woods alone with their father and a shotgun in the truck made them think they would never see me again. A few days later, on Christmas Eve, the kids were outside playing. The boys were arguing. Their Dad hollared at the oldest to leave the youngest alone. My son replied with "I hate you". When he said that his father took out after him, threatening what he would do to him when he caught him. I jumped in the middle and really got it. I knew then it was time to go. For years I stayed with him because of the kids and it was clear to me that was a foolish decision. I called a battered womens shelter seeking a place to go. They said they would take me, my daughter and my youngest son, but I would have to find a place for my oldest son. Something to do with a policy about taking boys over a certain age. Needless to say, that was not an option for me. To cut a long story short, we loaded up what we could take in the car and left. I don't know how we made it but we did. I have learned a lot. You are not to blame for the actions of others. You do not deserve to be abused. If your partner hits you, leave. You will save yourself years of suffering and possibly your own life. If you stay in a relationship for your children you are making a terrible mistake. Your abusers actions will eventually shift towards the children. If you see no options and are afraid you cannot make it on your own it is because in a desperate state of mind it is difficult to find answers. The hardest part about leaving is walking out the door. Just do it and don't look or go back. God takes care of us even when we don't know it. Once you remove yourself from a bad situation things will look brighter every day if you give it a chance and time. There is help out there if you look hard enough. Where there is a will, there is a way. I have been divorced from the kids father for ten years. He has asked me to come back a couple times but that was not an option for me. I have grown in my relationship with God. I don't have feelings of hate anymore, for anyone. I have forgiven my ex-husband for the problems in our marriage even though I do not appreciate or approve of his actions yesterday or today.

Eileen



Links To Other Sites


The Healing Heart Mission

Domestic Violence Handbook

Family Violence-Not a Private Problem

Self-Help & Psychology

Global Response to Domestic Violence

FAMILY VIOLENCE INTERVENTION

The Fly's Abuse/Survivor Resources

Domestic Violence: The Facts

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