You can do nothing to bring the dead back to life but you
can do much to save the living from death.
unknown
I am a survivor of attempted suicide. There are a lot of
feelings that pass through your heart in the moments before
attempting to end your own life. Feelings of no place in
this world. Your mind races so fast there is no conception
of time or a life in the days to come. I personally have
found myself in this situation several times. The first, I was
somewhere around eight years old. Coming from a very large
family there should have been a lot of love and support all
around us. If there was I didnt see or feel it. All I can
remember is a very disfunctional family and that has not
changed. Without a
doubt I had all the
symptoms of a disturbed child. To hear a couple of my
sisters talk now, I was a wild child! Biting and striking
out all of the time. I tried on more than one occasion to
cause my siblings physical harm. Always saying "I wish I
was dead" and "nobody loves me". The sad part is, that was
how I truely felt. Deep inside my mind and soul I was
alone. We had moved away from my Grandma and she was all I
had to talk to. My Grandma is the only person in the whole
wide world that I know loved me every day of my life. She
loved me just the way I was, unconditionally. When I lost
her in my everyday life I felt I ran out of options. It
was either live or die. I remember taking some pills out
of the medicine chest. I didnt know what it was or how
much to take but I believed it would be over for me if I
took more than one of them. Well, I took around three or
four of something. All I got out of it was bouncing off
the walls for several days. The second time I attempted to
take my life I was a teenager. I got married at a young
age with visions of my own happy home. From my wedding
night on, my ex-husband was physically and mentally
abusive. We hadnt been married over a few months and I got
pregnant. I will never forget the night he got drunk and
beat me. I remember thinking I was so alone with no place
to go. So scared, I sat on the front porch wishing he
would come to me and say he was sorry. As usual, he passed
out. That night I lost the baby and saw no reason to live
another day. I took a handful of Sominex. All I got was
real sick. It didnt stay in my stomach long enough to even
help me sleep. I would have left that relationship then if
I felt I had somewhere to go. I know the only reason that I
am still alive is because of my ignorance as to how many
pills it takes to cause death. There are a lot of things to
consider before atempting to end your life. Death is
final. Nothing else is beyond changing. There are always
options if we look hard enough to see them. I thank God
for sparing my life and giving me children of my own. I
have learned to love myself as well as others. I am loved
in return. Things I experienced in childhood have made me
a better parent. I know one thing without a doubt, God
loves me and always has.
Eileen Breedlove
I wrote this poem for someone very special in my
life.
Guide Her Way
My child cut herself today.
Lord, I understand.
The kind of things inside her heart
As the blade is in her hand.
She's trying very hard.
Gaining strength each passing day.
Fighting off temptations
To harm herself this way.
Fighting back the tears she cries
Bad memories keep there hold.
Help her find the strength inside
To learn to just let go.
Thinking she deserves the pain
Is all she knows to feel.
Show her that you're there for her.
A sign that you are real.
She prayed to you when she was young
To make her life OK.
Not knowing that the path she walked
Would make her who she is today.
If she could just feel your presence
I know she would believe.
Just carry her for awhile Lord,
And let her suffering leave.
Please help her to have faith
And believe that you are there.
Then I know she'd talk to you
And feel the power of prayer.
Just a little sign Lord
That she can understand.
Let her feel the strength inside
From the touch of your gentle hand.
I turn it over it you Lord,
To help her find the way.
And feel you deep inside her heart
So you can guide her way.
Eileen Breedlove