A computer tech took a Caribbean cruise. It was the most wonderful experience
of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. A unexpected hurricane
sank the ship almost instantly.
The man found himself on the shore of an island. After man looked around; he
found that he had only bananas and coconuts to eat. For months he lived by himself.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship,
he spotted a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She
spotted him also as he waved and yelled to get her attention.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said,
"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise
ship sank"
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. Where did you get the
rowboat, and who is with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on
the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from
Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"Well, can we row over to your place?", he asked. So they both got into the rowboat
and left for her side of island.
There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she
said, "but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will vomit."
"How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Do you
want to clean up?"
"Yes", the man replied.
"Upstairs you'll find everything you need," said the woman. "While you doing
that I'll slip into something more comfortable."
After the man returned he found the woman wearing strategically positioned fig
leafs and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no
companionship. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss?
Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to
have right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a
winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me he asked quietly...... Do you happen to have an
Internet connection?"
submitted by Arlayne W.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the
left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?", asks the customer. The owner says
"Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it
knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to
be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say this begs the question,
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a
thing, but the other two call him boss!
submitted by Scott J.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tech:"May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power ... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
submitted by Jane S. and Scott J.
++++++++++++++++++++
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are
traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a
Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple
engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their
respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a
restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train
has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw
this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy
the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being
clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed
Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into
a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to therestroom
where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
Submitted by Scott J.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no
screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture
that scars a man for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire
new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three
hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper,
so he invited me downstairs for lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the
service counter was a menu which began...
MMU's (Main Menu Units)
0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A seperatly
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a
drink?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you
like?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it?"
"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit
more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option
002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade
would give you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who
nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62
Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms
around and looking very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
option and without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A
with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down
for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise,
mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"Thats not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep
butted in again. "Thats not a supported configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on
it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but
thats not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger
won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not
at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110.
French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries ?"
I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot
of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option
is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep
chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the
shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't
ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off belief. "Your
meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported ?"
"Support ?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the
bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that
I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency
napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table.
He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The
table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room,
looked at me and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone
chair by the window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small
cups of chili and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had
ordered. The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was
five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision,
I did what it told me to do.
I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
Submitted by Scott J.
+++++++++++++++++++++
************************************************************************
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