Wacky Ways to Order a Pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, ``Remember, we never had this conversation.''
6. Answer their questions with questions.
7. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
8. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
9. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
10. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
13. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
14. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, ``Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?''
15. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, ``OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.''
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
18. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
19. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
20. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
21. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
22. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, ``Where was I? Who are you?''
23. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
24. Act like you're ringing the police. Report a petty theft.
25. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, ``I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.''
26. Start the conversation with ``My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...action!''
27. Be vague in your order.
28. When they repeat your order, say, ``Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.''
29. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, ``This may be my last entry.''
30. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
31. Ask if they're familiar with the term ``spanking a pizza.'' Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
32. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
33. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, ``No mushrooms, please.'' Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
34. Haggle.
35. Order a one-inch pizza.
36. Dance all around the word ``pizza''. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, ``Please don't mention that word.''
37. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell ``OW!'' when a bullet is fired.
38. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
39. Order a steamed pizza.

To ABSOLUT HUMOUR.