Not long after getting home with Sean, we came to realize that he was not like most babies. Now, all children are unique, but Sean was definitely different. The first tip-off was that he liked to nurse constantly. I had read that a newborn was supposed to nurse about 10 to 20 minutes all total, every couple of hours. Sean, however, ate only for a couple of minutes - every few minutes! He would eat for a couple of minutes, fall asleep, wake a few minutes later and cry, so I would feed him again. I didn't worry about it, though, I figured that whether it was only a couple of minutes here and there, or 20 minutes every two hours, it all evened out to about the same amount. And he certainly gained well, so he was not starving!
The next clue was that he did not want to be put down if he was awake. Try to do it, and he would scream bloody murder - he wanted to be held! And he also wouldn't go down if he had just fallen asleep, he had to be completely limp, dead weight in your arms before you could dare attempt to put him down. I know, I know, all the experts say to put them down when they are still awake but drowsy so that they can learn to fall asleep on their own. Well, those experts never had MY child! I tried, I really did. But I soon came to the realization that it just was not going to do either of us any good - he simply would not cooperate.
Another clue was that when Sean was awake he was often fussy, even when he had just been fed or changed. And the only way to comfort him was to hold him up on your shoulder, like he was going to be burped, and the bounce up and down. Swaying and rocking were okay, but he pre ferred to be bounced straight up and down. And he had to be up on a shoulder - no lying down, he wanted to see the world!
Sean also did not want to sleep through the night at the "usual" 3 months of age. By six months, the pediatrician told me, it's "just a habit" and I might have to "let him cry it out". Well, I already knew in my heart that crying it out would not work, but I have to admit that I caved a little bit and made some attempts at letting him cry. It didn't work. Sean seems to have lungs of steel that can just go on...and on...and on...When your child is choking on their own tears and snot, you quit trying to let them cry to "make" them sleep.
Some of Sean's fussiness seemed to be in frustration. He wanted so badly to do things that he wasn't ready to do yet. But he really pushed himself, and as he mastered each new major motor skill (at very early ages, I must brag a bit!) he became gradually less fussy. It was almost like as an infant he was screaming, "I wanna do that! I wanna do that!" and then as he became able, he was more happy.
And then one day, I found the book that would change my outlook on my son and on parenting in general. I was in a bookstore and saw a book titled, "The Fussy Baby: How To Bring Out The Best In Your High-Need Child" by Dr. William Sears. I thought, hmmm, my son is fussy, let's see what this book has to say. Lo and behold, there was our life story in black and white! Sean fit almost every characteristic in the basic profile of a fussy baby. Somebody finally understood my child! And they said it was okay to hold him all the time, and to not worry about him not sleep ing well at night, and not to worry about his constant nursing as an infant. I bough the book, devoured it in one afternoon, read it again, then read it again to highlight relevant portions. I was so happy to know that there were people out there who really understood my child, that there were more like him, and that there were ways to deal with the tough times and get through them.
Here are some signs that your child might be a high-need child:
Supersensitive: High-need children are often easily bothered by changes in their environment, especially sudden ones. They may not like going to new places, or seeing new people. They prefer the comfort of familiarity.
Intense: High-need children often expend a lot of energy at everything they do. They cry louder, laugh louder, run harder and longer. You could call it being in "high gear" all the time.
Demanding: High-need children want attention, and they want it NOW.
Need for holding: High-need children, especially babies, want lots of physical contact. They want to be held all the time. This is one reason why they often don't go down well for sleep - they have to be parented to sleep, then put down in the bed.
Constant activity: Not to be confused with hyperactivity, high-need children are often always in motion, constantly changing direction and activity. They have to be always going and doing. Still moments are rare - don't expect these kids to sit quietly for books and finger games!
Draining: Despite being 1/5 their parents' size, high-need children seem to have 5 times their parents' energy. A high-need child can absolutely wear you out, especially when they are in a new place and are determined to explore every nook and cranny.
Uncuddly: Some high-need children don't like to be "cuddled up" or tucked in in any way. They will push away from you. Some, like my Sean, are only half-way uncuddly - they will cuddle as long as you've got them in the position they want to be in.
Unpredictable: High-need children are like a game of poker: you never know from one day to the next what you're going to draw, and they are always upping the ante. While one thing may have comforted baby yesterday, it may not make her happy today. You have to be very creative. They want variety.
Nursing all the time: Like my Sean, most high-need children nurse a lot. Some of it relates to their need for physical contact, and nursing is the best way to get that. They may also have a need for sucking, and may choose to do some comfort sucking rather than actual eating.
Frequent night wakings: These children do not settle well to start with, then they will often wake up several times through the night. This will go on for months, they do not easily fit into the "sleep through the night at 3 months" mold that the average child does. High-need children often sleep best in a family bed, again because of the need for physical closeness.
While Sean has been quite an adventure in the new-parent department, I think we have been really blessed by his temperament and personality. His need for attention as a baby made me a better mom. If he had been an "easy" baby, I would have put him down to play on his own more. I might have so easily left him to his own devices and we would not have developed the close relationship that we have. He also has a close relationship with his dad; Sean often cries inconsolably when Joseph has to go to work. While Sean is often stubborn about some things, more often it is determination to master something new. Sean is trusting and loving and isn't afraid to show it. All of that intenseness has turned into a gusto for life - he enjoys everything from big airplanes is the sky to the tiniest ladybug on the sidewalk. He is insatiably curious. He's very bright, if I do say so myself - Joseph often says that he is "too smart for OUR own good!" In short, he has turned out to be the joy of our lives, even now at two years old. So far, we really haven't had the "terrible twos". He is generally polite and cooperative.
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