10/3/04
LIFE AFTER DEATH: "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE
REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR
GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
8/27/04
THE WATER PISTOL: WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL..
HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."
8/15/04
CLIMB THE WALLS: "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY
WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL
MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
7/31/04
PRAYERS: THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED,
"WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
6/28/04
FIRST TIME USHERS: A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY
CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
6/5/04
GRANDMA'S AGE: LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
5/13/04
SUPPORT A FAMILY: THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST
OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
4/2/04
CHILDREN'S SERMON: ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND
PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED.
"PANTYHOSE!"
3/27/04
PALM SUNDAY: IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER.
WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.
"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO,
HE SHOWS UP!"
3/5/04
THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD,
IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
2/13/04
ONCE A BAPTIST ALWAYS THINK LIKE A BAPTIST
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large
Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was
outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of
his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on
each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood
men got together and decided that something had to be done about
John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and
they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John
to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so
happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a
Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some
water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised
a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved,
now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's
Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and
just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on
a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT
WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in
John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of
Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his
grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water
over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were
raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
12/5/03
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
11/30/03
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
11/20/03
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of
the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
11/14/03
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
11/8/03
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
11/1/03
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
10/23/03
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"
10/17/03
Gates of Heaven
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
10/10/03
The Athiest
One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...
He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...
He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...
He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...
The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...
Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...
Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground...
As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed
"oh help me god"
Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...
The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..
And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..
"I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth"
The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...
"Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it"
God thought for a moment and said...
"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish"
The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..
" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian"
God spoke...
"So be it done"
Suddenly the sky closed up...
The river turned back into its flowing glory...
The trees began to sway again...
And the bear clapped his paws together and said...
"Thankyou god for this meal im about to recieve"
9/6/03
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN (Not really, but are you???)
I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 PM.,
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am
going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano,
antacid........
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and over
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as
mine.
I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental
care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds,
children,
politicians...........
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.........
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies....
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise,
anti-inflammatory................
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors......absolutely
nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S,
AARP.....
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be
alive at
150?
I'm supporting all movements now.... by eating bran, prunes,and
raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to
many
more!
You didn't, did you??????
8/23/03
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called
into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of
this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you
told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this
is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said
you wanted somebody with imagination."
8/15/03
I Want A Loan
The old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled
out the loan application, "What are
you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the
loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later
the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills,
"Here
to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan
off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When
you
want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
8/6/03
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the
age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and
joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of
poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit
golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult
for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a
priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as
the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed
out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This
way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it
was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At
about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not
going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then
Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the
pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the
hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was
astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you
let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he
going to tell?"
8/1/03
I
had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she
solo. I listened with
pride as she carefully enunciated each
word, right up to the end of the
prayer. "Lead us not into
temptation," she prayed, "but
deliver us some e-mail.
Amen."
7/25/03
A
mother took her three-year-old daughter
to church for the first time.
The church lights were
lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying
lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one
started to
sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy
birthday to
you......"
7/17/03
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard
time
grasping the concept of marriage.
But anyway, I got out our wedding album,
thinking visual images
would help, and explained the entire service to
her. Once
finished, I
asked if she had any questions, and she
replied, "Oh. I see.
Is that when Mommy came to work for us,
daddy?"
7/10/03
___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___
"We apologize for the error in the last
edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a
Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical
error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective
in the Police Farce."
7/3/03
___ From The Times: ___
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a
set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on
an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too
common these days."
6/26/03
___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in
a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from
the Commissioner's Office return it immediately.
It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
6/20/03
Is there a God? Yes, there is.
This is a true story of something that happened just a few years ago at
USC.
There was a professor of philosophy there who was a deeply committed
atheist.
His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire
semester
attempting to prove that God couldn't exist. His students were always
afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty
years, he had taught this class and no
one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued
in
class at times,
but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation.
At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his
class of
300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus,
stand
up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going
to
do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool.
If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the
ground
and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He
can't
do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of
the
classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the
students thought that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of
Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too
afraid
to stand up. Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He
was
a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was
required
to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three
months
that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage
to
stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought.
Nothing
they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped. Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here
who
still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300
pe
ople looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the
classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this
piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to
drop
the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt
cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As
it
hit the ground, it simply rolled away,unbroken. The professor's jaw
dropped as he stared
at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the
lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the
front
of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300
students stayed and listened as he told of God's love for them and of
His
power.
British News Bits
6/13/03
___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___
Would the Congregation please note that the
bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick",
is for monetary donations only.
6/9/03
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Dylan starting up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The
plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. "Father Keller," the
boy asked, "what is this?" "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the
priest explained. They stood together quiety, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Dylan softly asked, "Which
service? The 8:00 or the 11:00?"