Caution: The humor on this page is R-Rated.

  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
  • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Two clergymen are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop. After a while, the priest turn to the bishop and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?" The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs." The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee"? Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit---on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee." The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows." The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow." The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment. A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"
  • Before you criticize a person, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when they react to your criticism you'll be a mile way and have their shoes.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, then it was probably worth it.
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming in horror like his passengers.
  • Don't squat with your spurs on.
  • Earth may just be some other planet's Hell. -Aldous Huxley
  • You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone. -Al Capone
  • There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced then you can't be promoted.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example to others.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  • Thank You! We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The early bird may get the worm. (But the second mouse gets the cheese.)
  • Suburbia: Where they tear out all the trees and name streets after them.
  • Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte
  • If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. - Carl Sagan
  • I think it would be a good idea. - Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization
  • He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln
  • Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein
  • Everything has been figured out, except how to live. - Jean-Paul Sartre
  • I would have made a good Pope. - Richard M. Nixon
  • A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. - Fr. Jerome Cummings
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie" ...til you can find a rock.
Can you imagine working at the following organization? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
  • 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
  • 7 have been arrested for fraud
  • 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
  • 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
  • 3 have been arrested for assault
  • 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
  • 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
  • 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
  • 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
  • In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?

Guessed yet?

Answer...

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Quotes from Dave Barry

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? Its because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your hand...It wont be long now...

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice There's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95/min. to say I'm not in the mood.

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.