If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..." A gravelly scratchy voice helps. You don't get that working in an office.

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, with some low-down ol' witch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis or Birmingham. Juvenile Hall doesn't cut it.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. California is definitely out.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Even better, walk to the nearest dive bar and drink heavily. If you have to drive to the bar, forget it. Wait until you get off work, drive home, call a cab or a designated driver...If you have to take public transportation to even find a dive bar, you can't have the blues with planning and forethought.

10. Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses
e. Car dealer
f. Little League game

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it--for years.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. You're older than dirt
b. You're blind and broke
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You're about to shoot a man in Birmingham
e. You can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You once were blind but corrective surgery has restored your sight
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. The man in Birmingham turned out to be a really nice guy
e. You have a 401K or trust fund
f. You have a 401k or trust fund that actually has money in it

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Thunderbird
b. Country whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Black cold bitter coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Bottled water
b. Chardonnay
c. Cappuccino or latte
d. Frappuccino
e. Slim Fast
f. Fruit juices

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match, in the throes of passion, of cardiovascular disease, or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d.Fat River Dumpling
e. Billy, Bobby or Norma Ray

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Billy, Bobby or Norma Ray

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Ashley, Whitney and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.--sour is good)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry. Rippin' CDs ain't the blues.

22. Ditto for a cell phone, PDA or any electronic device, including a coffee maker. Get over it and get back to your latte.

People Over 30 Should be Dead...Here's why:

From Michelle Rudisill, Maryville, TN

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones! Unthinkable.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, DVDs, surround sound, cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. . .And you're one of them!

NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!

From Wendy Franck, Tucson, Ariz. With the average cost for a Nursing Home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old &feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.
6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So . . .When I reach the Golden age, I'll face it with a grin--
Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!

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Page updated Feb. 27, 2001, by Bill White