You Might Be A Redneck If
1.Your wife has a beard and you don't.
2.You leave pickled eggs and beer for Santa.
3.Your bridal registry was the local bait shop.
4.Your spare tire is a cement block.
5.Your truck has curtains but your trailer doesn't.
6.You identify with the Beverly Hillbillies before they struck oil.
7.Your coon dog was the "Best Man" at your wedding.
8.You're not sure of the true color of your pickup.
9.Your kid's first words were Wal-Mart.
10.All your new appliances are your neighbors old ones.
11.There are more than four cats living in your garage.
12.Your mamma carries a wrench and a comb in her back pocket.
13.Your mamma has more chest and underarm hair than your father.
14.You put your empties through the cylinder holes in your coffee table.
15.You try to hit road signs with empty beer bottles.
16.You put your pocketknife and key ring on opposite sides of your belt to balance yourself.
17.You've never slept with your boots off.
18.You go turkey hunting for hat decorations.
19.Your car stereo is worth more than the car it is installed in.
20.You purposed marriage to you best gal by painting the "Big Question" on a overpass.
21.You know more that 10 slang words for "breast.
22.You serve macaroni and cheese at a formal dinner.
23.You ever stripped or jumped out of a cake at a relative's bachelor party.
24.Your wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk.
25.You refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester will always be "in.
26.You think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football.
27.Your definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot.
28.Your wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine.
29.You are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement.
30.You try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
31.You've never seen a film with subtitles.
32.You must go through more than two gates to get to your house.
33.You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
34.Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.
35.You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
36.Your handkerchief is your shirt sleeve.
37.You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club".
38.You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
39.Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
40.Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
41.Your primary income involves pigs or manure.
42.You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow.
43.You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
44.You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
45.You follow the tractor pull circuit.
46.Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
47.Your mother's only shoes are her house slippers.
48.The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
49.You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
50.Your Mother didn't remove the cigarette from her mouth before she cussed the cop out.
Redneck Medical Terms
1.Benign................................What you be after you be eight.
2.Artery............................... The study of paintings.
3.Bacteria..............................Back door to cafeteria.
4.Barium................................What doctors do when patients die.
5.Cesarean Section......................A neighborhood in Rome.
6.CATscan...............................Searching for kitty.
7.Cauterize.............................Made eye contact with her.
8.Colic................................ A sheep dog.
9.Coma..................................A punctuation mark.
10.D & C.................................Where Washington is.
11.Dilate............................... To live long.
12.Enema.................................Not a friend.
13.Fester................................Quicker than someone else.
14.Fibula................................A small lie.
15.Genital...............................Non-Jewish person.
16.G.I. Series...........................World Series of military baseball.
17.Hangnail..............................What you hang your coat on.
18.Impotent..............................Distinguished, well known.
19. Labor Pain............................Getting hurt at work.
20.Medical Staff.........................A Doctor's cane.
21.Morbid................................A higher offer than I bid.
22.Nitrates..............................Cheaper than day rates.
23.Node..................................I knew it.
24.Outpatient............................A person who has fainted.
25. Pap Smear.............................A fatherhood test.
26.Pelvis................................Second cousin to Elvis.
27.Post Operative........................A letter carrier.
28.Recovery Room.........................Place to do upholstery.
29.Rectum................................Damn near killed him.
30.Secretion.............................Hiding something.
31.Seizure...............................Roman emperor.
32.Tablet............................... A small table.
33.Terminal Illness......................Getting sick at the airport.
34.Tumor.................................More than one.
35.Urine................................ Opposite of you're out.
36.Varicose..............................Near by/close by.