Written April 17,1997

	Colossians 3:1- You have been raised to life with Christ so set your 
hearts on the things that are in heaven,Keep your mind on these things 
not on the things of earth.  For you have died and your life is hidden 
with Christ.
VS.8 But now you must rid yourself of all theses things, anger, passion, 
and hateful feelings, vs13 And you must forginve one another as God has 
forgiven you. 

	I write this today as a child of God, saved by the Grace of God and the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross.  I also want to testify of the great 
healing in my life as a result of realizing that my relationship was a strong and unquestioning faith that has recently become a concious surrender of all I am to my Lord.  The 18 inch difference I call it.  Head knowledge vs heart knowledge.  I am really a new creature in Christ.  It has transformed my life and my walk with Jesus. It has been wonderful. 

	So How did I come to this place in my life.  This is what I wish to share with you.  

	I have attended church all my life. I always have loved worship, I read the Bible, prayed, even felt a calling to ministry. Yet through all of 
this I have relied on my own strength to weather the stresses and strains 
and challenges of this life.  I continually needed affirmation that I was 
a worthwhile person. I was driven to do good to make myself look good.

	The events of the last two years in my life upset the balance so that I could no longer rely on my own strength, yet when I called on God, I felt 
no answer.  I knew God was near, but couldn't grab His hand or reach Him.

	The downward slide started in September 1995 when a disclosure of abuse
came forward in our family.  I cannot go into detail, suffice it to say 
the disclosure, investigation and eventual conviction of the 
offender caused horrendous rifts within not only the family but the 
community, some of which are still present. 

	Personally, as the whistleblower, I was centered out for particularly 
strong responses, which ranged from "you are a hero" to "you destroyed 
the family".  I felt neither.  This was a no-win situation, but the abuse 
had to stop and the healing begin. 

	As I felt more and more marginalized by this crisis in the family, other losses piled up on me. I lost my job through downsizing, a job which I 
had based alot of my identity and self worth.  Being a transplant 
coordinator involved actually saving lives and I loved it. It was 
devastating. The farmland my husband and I had rented for over 20 years was taken from us and rented to someone else for a much higher price we could never hope to match. 
	The home we were in the process of buying in Saskatoon was lost 
because of our uncertain situation in employment and finances.
The emotional loss of ties as we were rejected by some of the family who 
were important to us. All our dreams came crashing down around us one 
after another. 

	As all these losses piled up on me and my family, we all began to suffer emotionally and spiritually.  I chose to focus my distress and anger at 
the offender.  He was causing all this. I could never forgive him.  It 
was understandable but I knew it was wrong, so I added guilt to my 
bitterness.

	Things continued downhill so that I found myself fantasizing about dying.  I didn't want to kill myself just to maybe die in a car crash or the like.  In September I was shocked into reality when I actually rolled my car and sustained injuries to my neck and back. I certainly didn't want to die 
that way or experience that again. The pain and stiffness reminded me of 
my brush with death. 
	I still actually thought that if I would die my husband's family would accept him again and his life and the life of my kids would be better. 

	I think things came to a head the last week in Febrary. I went to 
the sentencing hearing in the sexual abuse case and heard all the details 
of the abuse. I really plunged into anger when I saw some people still 
caught up in denial of the horror of this abuse. 

	I couldn't eat, sleep, study or work effectively, I was on the edge of 
tears most of the time I was stiff and sore and in constant pain in my 
neck and back. Nothing was helping, prayer, reading the Bible, 
counselling, I felt like I was in a dark tunnel with no light at the end 
and no way out. 

	I was at this point when I attended the Order of St. Luke service on 
Feb. 27, 1997.  I was leading the music but asked the healing team to 
pray for me after the service. This began the process which brought full 
healing 6 days later. 

	The day after the healing service, I went to a retreat.  Here I thought
God would minister to me and I would be at peace.  I was wrong. I spent 
most of my time crying. During a rest in the afternoon, I dreamed a very 
vivid dream. It was like God told me that I had to talk to  Connie. 
she will help you.  In this dream she was trying to save my life, she was 
throwing me a lifeline. 

	Now Connie is a friend of mine I had chatted with only a few times on the Christian chat on the Internet so this seemed odd. We really hadn't much 
contact. But this dream stuck with me.  I went back to work on Monday and 
Tuesday and found myself increasingly despairing.  I finally got to the 
point where on Wednesday after work I clicked on the the net and guess 
who was on line..Connie. I told her I had to talk to her in a quieter 
chat page and she agreed. 

	When we got to the quieter space I told her I was at the end. I couldn't go on.  I had prayed and found no peace, no hope for happiness ever. 
Connie said she sensed there was a block between God and I.  I had told 
here a bit about my family situation and the abuse and she zeroed in on 
the problem, I lacked forgiveness and I was bitter, angry and healing 
could not happen until I repented and confessed this to Jesus.  Then 
peace would follow.  I was ready to do anything to feel whole and I 
agreed. So I began praying and the prayers gradually stripped away all 
the strongholds before God.  Connie prompted me as I prayed. 
Its funny you would think in front of a computer screen, just typing, it 
wouldn't have an effect on you, but my hands were shaking and I felt the 
drawing of the Holy Spirit so strongly a couple of times I asked Connie 
to pray for me because I thought I wouldn't be able to continue. 
Once I had finished praying for forgiveness, Connie and I asked God to 
enter my life in a new way and to bring peace and joy and love.  
	And guess what...IT HAPPENED.  IMMEDIATELY.  Although totally exhausted I felt totally released, lifted and joyful, at peace for the first time, closer to God and totally changed. I was healed. 
This sense of joy lasted and I was almost on a "high" for days.  

	Connie and I met on chat a few days later and we were talking about the wonderful change in my life. I asked her about her testimony and while 
she told me, I realized that this experience was not just healing, but a new depth of Spiritual renewal in my life.   God became more real to me that day. I surrendered all to him. My faith had moved from my head to my heart, and in the process I was totally healed of the despair, anger, depression, and bitterness that characterized my life. 
	
People immediately noticed the change in me. My moods totally changed and I had renewed energy.  I was also totally healed of the pain and stiffness in my neck and back.  I began to find prayer more enriching, Bible reading excited me in a new way. I felt and still feel connected to God as I never was before. 

	From the moment of that prayer March 5th, I have never looked back. I 
believe it all began with God honouring the prayer and my desire for 
healing at that Order of St. Luke Service. I am truly blessed 
with each day new life, new joy, new peace.  

	Some may find it difficult to understand how one can find freedom in Christ on the internet chat pages.  I am amazed too...but we can never 
limit God can we?  Some may find it hard to believe that someone who 
attended church and was even attending seminary found a true relationship 
for the first time with Jesus.  Some may find it difficult to believe in 
the power of healing prayer. But it all happened to me. 

	If you are a person who is facing family strife and rifts and can find no 
peace..you can find peace in forgiveness.  If you are someone who knows 
Christ in your head but you aren't quite sure about whether you have 
surrendered all. You can know Jesus in a new way.  If you need physical 
healing you can be restored.  All you have to do is take the gift Christ 
offers and ask.  

	When I think of the experience I've had I can relate to the healing Jesus 
performed in Luke Chapter 5.  A man who was paralysed was lowered down to 
Christ from through the roof of a home. Christ had compassion and said 
"Your sins are forgiven my friend" and the man was healed.  
I was paralysed by despair and now I am forgiven and healed by God in his 
mercy.  

I praise and Thank you Jesus for this work you have done in my life. 
Amen.

Have you ever personally trusted Jesus Christ or are you still on the way?

Would you like to become a real Christian and be sure of it?

It is not a difficult step but it is the most important decision you will make in your life.

Want to know how? Click here and Go to my New Life page
New Life



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