10 Dec 98

Well, we got the call yesterday.  We are flying up to Bethesda(sp?), Maryland on the 10th of January.  The National Institute of Mental Health is going to assess Joshua that day and let us know if he qualifies for their program or not.

We are full of hope, but I must admit I am a little frightened about this.  I don't want to traumatize him.   He is so clingy.  If he does get into this program, he will be sleeping at the hospital without his family with him.  That is scary to me too.

There is no longer a day he does not cry and scream when I tell him it is time to get dressed for school.  I don't know why he has decided he hates going so much, but I just hate making him go.  I never knew parenting would be so difficult emotionally.  I just want to protect him and make everything all ok again, but I also want him to grow up to be as functional as he possibly can.  Before all this happened, I considered home schooling him, but I truly don't believe I have what it takes to school him the way he is now.  It is not the I patience I lack, but I don't have the energy it would require.  What so many do not understand is how mentally exhausting being a stay-at-home mother can be at times.  There are days it can absolutely drain your essence.

Well, Josh seems very excited about Christmas.  The night we decorated the tree and such he just could not be still.  He also HAD to help.  He wanted to get everything Ed handed down from the attic himself, and it was just so wonderful to see him so busy with excitement.

We were planning to go see Santa tonight, but we may put it off until next week because we have so much work to do tonight.  I am quite curious about Josh's reaction to Santa.

Last night he had the best time.  I used to sing "Little Bunny FooFoo" to him when he was younger, and I decided to sing it to him last night.  He just laughed and tried to s in along.  He hopped part of the time and said the word "goon" with me every time I said it.  He also acted out Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer while I sang that.  Thank heaven for those songs.  He was soooooo upset.  He knew Ed was bringing pizza home with him and he was basically having an anxiety attack.

We went to the park last weekend and Josh had so much fun.  He laughed and ran and you could just feel all his pleasure.  One of those perfect times.  The sky was blue, a gentle breeze was blowing occasionally, and the boys were both so full of joy.

Josh has homework these days.  That can be very challenging some nights.  His homework is simply to write his spelling words (one word a night) 10 times.  A bit ago he got out a stack of paper and sat down and drew all sorts of pictures and it had lots of numbers and words and such on it.  Very detailed, whatever it is.*lol*

Josh has an Angel Mom now.  Her name is Hope and she and Josh communicate via e-mail and snailmail.  Josh truly loves to read her letters and stuff.  He always is eager to write her back, but getting out what he wants to say is another matter all together.  I generally have to ask him if he wants to tell her about this or that and he tells me yes.  He ends each letter with, "That's all."  I hesitated about signing him up for this program, but I am so glad I did now.  She is so wonderful for him.

Well, gotta get back to work here.  I could write for hours about the first Christmas without my grandmother, the first Christmas with Joshua having Schizophrenia, the first Christmas Christina definitely does not believe in Santa, etc.  I won't do that though.  I am trying to make this season a great one.  We are not going to do things we do not want to do this season.  Every place we go, every person we see will be because we WANT to.  Every gift we give shall come from our heart.  We shall have a Christmas full of nothing but love and peace and we wish the same for anyone who cares enough to visit this page.

Graphics by HollyElf for Stormie