Hi everyone who is still trying, don?t quit trying! My alltime favorite workshops at the WFS conference have been Lynn Paynes!
AND! My very first conference I did the meditation with Pam, and this was mine.
"As "I" began the descent down the stairs "I" counted the ten, the door opened, and it was very bright. "I" found a tree near a waterfall and the ground was soft like clouds. "I" laid down and rested myself taking in the peace, and then "I" had to reconcile myself to someone "I" had hurt. "I" stood up and walked towards a two-way window and saw a woman hunched down, like in prayer, yet her head was covered with her arms, she was bruised and beaten down, her soul starving, it was like she was dressed in rags or potatoe sacks. Then she stood up and turned to look at me, and she was so sad and so lonely and no one had understood her or her pain. I took pity on her. "I" knew her so well, it was me. And all the bruises and scars "I" had inflicted upon her. She chose to hide within the deep recesses of my mind, to afraid to come out, too ashamed to have been weak and sick. She hated herself because she didn't know how to come out into the light and live. "I" had allowed alcohol to put myself in a prison of my own making. But, you know what? "I" didn't mean too. "I" didn't know that the gentle, special, loving, caring person "I" used to be was merely buried beneath the shallow grave of despair and hopelessness and fear. Such fear. She was so afraid to speak up and say NO MORE! She was so timid that she dare not rebuke alcohol, for she might die. So "I" then knew, how sick I had become, and that the woman within me would die if "I" did not do something about my alcoholism."
"I" told her how sorry I was. "I" told her not to be afraid anymore. "I" told her, the broken, bruised spirit to rest in the garden. "I" told her to let ME have a chance to make things right. "I" knew that it was inside of me; that which would set HER free to live again. "I" had to tell myself and bring my body into subjection, under MY authority to obey ME, and MY thoughts about alcoholism, depression, and shame. And it was with that confidence that I left her in the garden to heal, and "I" turned to rise up the very steps that had led me down to the garden to begin with. "I" had begun the reconciliation to myself, with only a bit of courage, a bit of hope, and an incredible dose of willingness."
I came home and quickly began drinking again. I was in a full blown relapse within 1 month. I was finally broken, much like a horse, and entered into a treatment facility and program. I hated myself, and what I had become. I hated that I was smart, intelligent, good sense and educated with the disease, and yet no knowledge was enough, no friend supportive enough, no husband patient enough, no children scared enough to make me stop. It took my last night in hell and the hell for everyone else at that party to end the years of drinking. I went to that hospital able to hold my head up and say I was an alcoholic. I went to group meetings and shared my story. I was asked to write my step one of the 12 step recovery program. I wrote it, it took me 5 days and 8 pages long. I could look you straight in the eye and tell you all about my drinking and history, but I couldn't tell them about Julianna, that is what cracked the case. And it became obvious to them where my pain lied and the price I paid for grieving. My alcohol abuse had catapulted me into the later stages of alcoholism and Julianna's death broke my heart, leaving me little desire to remain in this world. I can say I am alcoholic, but don't ask me about depression or grief, because I couldn't talk about it. Having made that break through, I returned to my first step......and I was zinging right along with it thinking piece of cake, until...........the fifth day.........I got to the question: How has your drinking affected your relationships with your immediate family? The same gut-wrenching wailing of Julianna's passing, came forth inside of me like an earthquake. I didn't know the answer! I couldn't answer it! I would not be able to answer it, until I returned home to face whatever damage had been caused or inflicted on my husband and my children. Because I didn't remember anything. How did I affect my Jude or Christie or Carly? What if they are messed up? What if they are hurt emotionally from the stress? I wasn't there for them! in their grief? Oh Lord, I can't answer this. What happened to me? to them? to us as a family? What's left? is it too late? What will I do? How can I repair the damage? And it was in this moment of recognition and acceptance that my recovery truly began. It meant going home and facing the very people I hurt and find a way to forgive myself and to ask for forgiveness. And I had to find a way to turn my back on alcohol and never again see it has an escape, a friend, a reward, a celebration, a vacation. I had to find a way to hate it. I had to find a way to break it?s control over my mind and my body. "I" had to fight for my own life, the life that I counted as unworthy of even breathing. That has to be the most unconditional love I have ever given, and I gave it to me. It is hard to love difficult people, how much harder is it, when we become the most difficult of all?
I don?t know where all this came from, but it seems like just yesterday that I lived it. I know I missed being at the conference sorely, and yet I truly feel like I was there. I remember my first conference, not even sober 24 hours. I remember being surprised at all the women, that none of the faces seemed to match the names. I remember feeling shy and isolated. I remember being awkward. I remember seeing others with less sobriety than me! At least they were brave enough to admit it, but not I. I was ashamed of myself and didn?t want to disheartened my new friends. So I kept to myself a bit, hoping no one asked me when was my last drink, because I didn?t want to admit it to them or myself. So sad.
This program and these women and myself are here to help you. We are here to tell our stories and share our New Life with you. We were where you may be. We all had a day one, and 100?s of day 3?s. But what has to happen in your life for it to finally be enough? How far down into alcoholism are you willing to take for a 5 minute buzz? After that first sip I was gone! And I wasn?t stopping either. That is where I lost my power, the first aroma and sip?..after that?that poor woman I used to be hid within, and never dared to rock this boat. Hah! Little did I know she had connections in high places  like maybe the real little lamb, maybe she pulled on some angels ear and said, "Hey can you help my mommy? I think she is lost."
If you read this, you deserve a medal! For the sheer patience and endurance to sift through dreams, meditations and reality. I am Julie, and I am in charge. I now bring my mind and my body into subjection of good things, and make sure that I give away all I have been given in the hopes that someone else may find their own broken-ness, tell her your sorry, give her some rest, then set her free to live a NEW LIFE. I have my good days and I have my bad days and I have some really sad sad days, remembering my little love, but I know that I didn't go all the way down. I know that I didn't hit a low bottom, I didn't kill someone, I didn't kill myself, I didn't get arrested, I didn't get a DWI, but I do know this, I was a YET TO BE. I was heading downward. And I AM A YET to be if I pick up that drink. It was not easy to get here, but it can all be gone in less than 2 seconds if I drink. If you get one day then do it again tomorrow. If you get three days have a plan. And maybe just tell yourself "no!" No. No. and No. Have you ever told someone No and meant it? Then tell yourself, because I tell myself "No" every single day of my life and that includes today.
I love you so much. May you find forgiveness for yourself and take a chance that maybe I am right; not just me, but all the ladies here who support you and your recovery. And may you give unconditional love to the woman inside of you that only wants to be free. We were born free, and we can die free.
Love, littlelamb18
