THIS PAGE IS DEDECATED TO ANYONE THAT HAS EVER EXPERINCED ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION. THESE POEMS WERE WRITTEN WHEN I WAS IN A DEPRESSION OF MY OWN. MY DEPRESSION RESULTED IN A BREAKDOWN, AND BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND THRU HIS LOVE I HAVE BEEN LEARNING DAY BY DAY TO OVERCOME ANY TRIALS THAT COME MY WAY. WITH OUT HIM I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE MADE IT. I REMEMBER THAT THRU OUR TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS WE ARE MADE STRONG.

"LOVE'S MEMORIES"

All I have are the memories
of the love there use to be
No longer a living thing
only old fanticies

All is not forgotten
just no more a reality
Just a fading memory
of the love that was there

There were those moments
that was in the time past
But no longer a part of me
Oh, how I wanted it to last

No special moments
to create together anymore
No more of the little good
that can be shared in each other

All I have are these memories
to haunt me for ever more
Love is a closed chapter of a book
like the closing of a door

January 29, 1990--------By: Glenda Oden

"I SIT, I WAIT"

I sit, I wait for just a smile
I'd like to know that I'm worth more
I guess I'll always wait for any small time
That's all I get, nothing more.
<

Sometimes that's enough, it gives me hope
But I grow tired with time
and I wish for so much more
maybe a day or two spent for me

Maybe a half day I know was
just planned for me
But, I sit, I wait some more,
nothing else I ever get.

Hope begins to fade and I
know and realize I'm nothing
special like I had hoped I'd be
Then hope of being someone special dies.

I guess that's when we realize
there's no going on anymore
That's when life has defeated us.

By: Glenda Oden-----September, 1993

THERE IS NOT ANY SPECIAL WAY TO EXPLAIN WHAT DEPRESSION IS. I DO KNOW THERE IS GREAT PAIN THAT CAN NOT BE DEFINDED. THAT YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND, SO YOU BELIEVE NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND IT. I SUFFERED FROM SEVERE DEPRESSION, STARTED ABOUT 1988, IT SEEM MY LIFE WAS OVER AND I DIDN'T SEE ANY REASON GOD KEEP ME LIVING. WHAT GOOD WAS I, WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON OR WHY I COULD NOT CONTROLL WHAT WAS GOING ON. I FELT THAT GOD WAS MAKING A MISTAKE, BY LETTING ME GO ON LIVING. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A SINNER, OR LIVING IN SIN, OR LIVING GOOD TO BE EFFECTED BY DEPRESSION. IT HAPPENS TO ANY ONE.

AS DAYS WOULD GO ON, ALL I COULD DO WAS CRY, I CRIED SO MUCH. I COULDN'T SEEM TO STOP MYSELF. ALL I WANTED WAS FOR IT TO STOP. I KEPT GETTING WORSE, I COULDN'T EAT. I FORCED MYSELF TO EAT. WHEN I DID THAT I WOULD THROUGH IT UP OR HAVE DIARRHEAL SO BAD. I LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT. I WENT FROM ABOUT 150 LB TO 115 LB IN NO TIME. I BEGAN TO DEHYDRATE. STILL I GOT WORSE.

WHAT WOULD STOP THIS? I HAD NO IDEA. I WAS UNDER A DOCTOR CARE FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE FOR YEARS.. MY DOCTOR ADMITED IN HOSPITAL. HE WANTED ME TO SEE A PSYCARTIC DOCTOR. I REFUSED.

FINALLY, I HAD A TOTAL BREAKDOWN, THE PAIN (NOT PHYSICAL) WAS SO BAD I COULDN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE, I GAVE UP.

I DON'T REMEMBER ALL THAT HAPPENED, BUT I REMEMBER WANTING TO DIE SO BAD. BUT I COULD NOT KILL MYSELF, I BELIEVED IT WAS WRONG AND THAT GOD WOULD NOT WANT THAT. SO I WANTED GOD TO TAKE ME, AND PRAYED TO DIE.

MY BROTHER AND DAUGHTER TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL, ALL I COULD DO WAS SCREAM AND CRY BY THEN. WHILE IN THE ER, MY HEART STOPPED TWICE, THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHY. THEY PUMPED MY STOMACH TO SEE IF I TOOK TOO MUCH OF MY BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL STATE. I HADN'T DONE THAT, BUT THEY PLACED ME IN ICU, MY DOCTOR THEN STARTED ME ON PAXIL.

I TRIED TO STOP TAKING THE PAXIL, AND I WOULD GO BACK TO THE OLD PATTERN AGAIN. MY DOCTOR SAID THAT I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE IT THE REST OF MY LIFE. I HATE THAT, BUT I HATE BEING THE WAY I WAS MORE, SO I WILL TAKE MY MEDICATION.

I HAVED LEARNED A LOT FROM THIS, GOD HAS GIVEN ME MORE THAN I HAD BEFORE. I HAVE A MORE UNDERSTANDING OF PEOPLE. I HAVE A MORE UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT I CAN CONTROL AND WHAT I LEAVE TO GOD TO CONTROL. I AM A BETTER PERSON FOR THE THINGS THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. I THANK GOD FOR BEING THERE TO KEEP ME FROM TAKING MY OWN LIFE, FOR I FEEL IF HE HAD NOT BEEN CARRING ME, THAT IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.

LIFE IS BETTER FOR THE THINGS I HAVE ENDURED. HE IS MAKING ME STRONGER EVER DAY. I SOMETIMES HAVE PANIC ATTACKS SOMETIMES. BUT WITH HIS HELP I MAKE IT.

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