May the many fans of Caleb Carr and T.C. Boyle forgive me, I've just finished new novels by each of these famous guys, and -- well -- how can I say this in the face of numerous rave reader comments on Amazon.com -- neither book is very good.

I should have snapped shut the covers on Carr's new book during this endless sentence: "... I thought this a place where I might be at least marginally sure that the human behavior around me was not being manipulated by the unseen hands of those who, through mastery of the wondrous yet sinister technologies of our 'information age' have obliterated..." But I didn't. I kept on reading, hoping to get out of this long, dark tunnel that isn't going anywhere good.

I long for a novel that sweeps me up, keeps me up, sets me up and doesn't let me down. I keep stalling on duds. One odd thing: these books have great covers. And guess what? You can't judge them by that!

I'm talking about Caleb Carr's new book, Killing Time and T. C. Boyle's novel A Friend of the Earth.

Boyle's book is the better of the two.

Carr and Boyle (carboy? parboil? carbuncle?) paint similar horrible futures in garish colors. Both are telling their readers: Change your evil ways or the future's going to bite you bad.

This is Orwell, Huxley, even Jules Verne territory. Writers, if you don't have their skills, don't write the book, that's my plea.

Caleb Carr made his reputation with two historical thrillers, The Alienist and The Angel of Darkness. With Killing Time, Carr fell off the rails. His extensive reading of 19th century novels now has lead him into an unintentionally hilarious take-off on Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, complete with submarine, crazed captain, Victorian interior decorations, futuristic electro-magnets, giddy chases, and so on.

Carr invents a perfect Captain Nemo type in the-brilliant-but-genetically damaged-mad-scientist Malcolm Tressalian. Working overtime in a secret laboratory, the wheel-chair bound scientist disappears -- surprise -- into a home-made time machine and miraculously reverses everything. This excruciatingly puerile ending belongs in a 1930's era Astounding Science Fiction pulp magazine. Unfortunately for the unsuspecting reader, Carr is not joking, and he ought.

T.C. Boyle is a born satirist and he's gotten good at it (read The Road to Wellville and Budding Prospects). At least HIS dismal portrait of planet earth gone to wild dogs is funny on purpose.

In A Friend of the Earth, global warming is permanent. Rain forests are deserts, most animals are extinct, and Southern California is drowning in storms. Tyrone Tierwater -- former ecology warrior -- now earns his living running a rock star's patched-together zoo of endangered animals.

Boyle's planet ain't coming back from THIS death march, no WAY, man. Still, for no apparent good reason, Boyle inserts an insipid happy ending. Tyrone and Andrea fall back in love. They leave the madness behind and march off to chop wood, carry water and find happiness in the hills while the world ends.

Wait a minute -- isn't that the EXACT dream hippies embraced in the 1970's when so many deserted San Francisco for Mendocino? Chop wood, carry water and make babies while the world ends. Boyle stole their story!

The hippies wore out their bell bottoms, achieved male pattern baldness and ended up driving gas guzzlers, raising families, recalling the school board and attempting to program the VCR. Excuse me, I'm having a deja vu. All over again.

When a writer stumbles badly he risks losing the audience for his next book. I don't think I'll try Carr again. By contrast, Boyle remains a writer for grownups, smooth, funny, and entertaining. I might try him again one day.

For now, save your money and your time. There are much better books out there, and I hope to bring them to you soon.

Aired Friday November 17, 2000 at 8:35 am and Sunday November 19, 2000 at 6:55 pm