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LIFE IS NOT A BEACH, GIVE YOUR BRAIN A REST !

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    Love all, trust...........................me.
    The pen is mightier than the..............pig.
    An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
    Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
    Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
    A penny saved is..........................not much.
    Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
    Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
    None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder.
    Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
    If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
    You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
    When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way.
    And the favorite...
    Better late than..........................pregnant.

  • A BLONDE AND THE LAWYER
    • A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
    lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
    Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
    The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me \\$5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
    This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
    The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
    The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a \\$5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
    "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
    The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her \\$500.
    The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
    Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer \\$5, and goes back to sleep.
  • With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Melbourne City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot.

    • Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

    Click bellow to see the first picture available of this world-first WOMEN ONLY parking lot in Australia.

  • A young science teacher was illustrating the marvels of human speech. So, she had them repeat some tongue twisters like:
    •

    'Mr. Smith ship sink'
    'She sells sea shells by the sea shore.'
    Explaining that they should say each slowly at first and then gradually faster until they could say them as fast as possible.
    At this point the class pest volunteered to help her by supplying this additional phrase (which he claimed was Greek) for her to try…
    "Owa.
    Tana.
    Cyam."
    Say the words along with her, faster and faster, and ignore any stares you may get from people around you, they simply do not understand Greek.

    Owa,   Tana,   Cyam'
    'Owa Tana Cyam'    
    Owa, Tana, Cyam'        
    'OwaTanaCyam'        
    'OwaTanaCyam'        
    'OwaTanaCyam'        
    'OwaTanaCyam'        
    'OwaTanaCyam'        
    'OwaTanaCyam'        
    'OwaTanaCyam'      

    If you ain't get it yet, it means you ain't saying it out loud. Go back from the top.

     

     

    • Dear Billy joe Bob,

    I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of you home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
    About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put then in the pockets.
    Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
    Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
    Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swan to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

    Your Favorite Aunt

    • A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

    So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls
    the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
    The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
    "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." explained the gorilla remover.
    So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
    "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
    "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!" he shouted.

    • A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

    At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
    They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
    She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
    As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall."

     

    "How did you know," his mother  asked?

    "Daddy picked them up and looked  underneath," he replied.

    "I think it's printed on the bottom."

    • Our office uses standard forms in certain circumstances to document information about our clients.

    It is customary to insert an abbreviated version of the particular clients name in the name of the document. Thus, on one computer I noticed a document from a template "Communicating Important Matters To The Cleint.doc" that was done for a client "Association of and for the Blind". The name of the document was "Communicating Important Matters To The Blind Client.doc"

    ARCHIVES

  • A young couple was interrupted one knight by a loud knocking on their downstairs door. The husband reluctantly went downstairs and found an old drunk fellow. His excuse: "I need a push"
    •

    The husband sucked his teeth and went back upstairs, but sure enough his wife said that it was probably some poor old fellow far from home whose car broke down and needed a push to role start it, one of these day he himself would get old and need help etc. etc. ... So the husband went back downstairs to the door.

    The man was not there so he called: "Are you still there!?"

    Sure enough the reply came: "YES, I'm over here... on the swing."

     

     

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  • One day at the office I asked one of our clients' bookkeepers for and accounts receivable listing. In explaining what and accounts receivable listing was I used the phrase a "Debtors listing". Some days latter I received a hand written listing (very nice handwriting I might add) headed up: "Listing of Deaths as at December 31."
    •
    • From the mouths of children

    A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning  home, he breathlessly informed his mother  there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

    "How did you know," his mother  asked?

    "Daddy picked them up and looked  underneath," he replied.

    "I think it's printed on the bottom."

  • What goes: "Tick, Tock, Woof ... Tick, Tock, Woof ..."
    •

    Answer: A watchdog!

     

  • These comments come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
    1. "The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
    2. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
    3. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
    4. "To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
    5. "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
    6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is puregin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
    7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
    8. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
    9. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
    10. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
      More of these
  • Three sons of a Jamaican mother left yard, went ah farin and prospered. Dem meet up and start fi discuss de gifts wah dem was able to give to dem old madda.

    Joel - the fus one said: "Mi build har a big house."
    Leon - the second said: "Mi send her a Mercedes wid a driver."
    David - the youngest said: "Oonu memba how mama use fi enjoy reading di bible. Now she can't see very well. Mi send har a remarkable parrot dat recites de whola di Bible. Mama ongle haffi seh di name ah di chapter and verse. Mi decide fi sen har dat cause she loosing har sight."

    Soon afta dat, ah letter of tanks come from Mama:
    JOEL, she seh, di house yuh build is too big. Mi one live inna it, but mi haffi clean di whole house.
    LEON, she seh, Mi too old fi travel. Mi stay mos' ah di time at home so mi hardly use di Mercedes. An' dat driver is a pain in the tuchas.
    But DAVID, she seh, DI CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!!!

    •

     

  • Reasons why Computers must be female:

    6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
    5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
    4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
    3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
    AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
    As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

  • State-of-the-art surgery to correct color blindness

    •  

  • More from the test papers and essays submissions continued from above.

    •
    11. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
    12. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
    13. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
    14. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
    15. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
    16. "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
    17. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
    18. "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
    19. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
    20. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
    21. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
    22. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
    23. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
    24. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
    25. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
    26. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
    27. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
    28. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
    29. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
    30. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
    31. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
    32. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
    33. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
  • Call Waiting!.

  • Wife 1.0

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

    Can you help me, please!!!

    Thanks,

    A TROUBLED USER

    Dear TROUBLED USER:

    This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

    I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but has very high maintenance costs. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

  • A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of his head.

    "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Betty on it," she said furiously. "You had better have an explanation!" "Calm down, honey" the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the race track? Betty was the name of the horse I bet on."

    The next morning his wife sneaked up again and whacked him. She said "Your horse called last night!"

  • Conversation between two friends:

    1st - "I hear you and your wife had an argument. How did it end up?"

    2nd - "Oh she came crawling to me on her hands and knees"

    1st - "Is that so, what did she say"

    2nd - "She said, 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

  • Another conversation between two other men:

    1st - "I hear your wife left you, how are you sleeping"

    2nd - "Like a baby"

    1st - "Yeah right"

    2nd - "Oh, yes, I wake five times in the night and weep to the top of my voice"

  • My father's car had a radiator leak for some days. Before we could get it fixed we used to re-fill it with water.

    The next morning he asked me "Did you check the radiator today?" My reply was "no but yesterday when I did it only had one."

  • I always wondered why so many people take Life for Granted. Now I know : It's because they are twin brothers.
  • A woman once placed an advertisement in a newspaper for a husband. She received numerous replies, all saying the same thing:

    "YOU CAN HAVE MINES"

  • My recipe for boneless chicken: Let a worm set on an egg.
  • A ferocious lion killed and ate a bull. Feeling quite contented he roared and roared. A mighty hunter heard him and shot him.

    Moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut!

  • Three men were lost in a strange part of the jungle so they decided each one would go out to hunt food a different day.

    The first one came back around noon the first day with a deer. "How did you catch it?" the other two asked. "I heard a noise, followed the tracks, and bam! I shot the deer."

    The second day the second fellow came back around sunset with a wild pig. "How did you catch it?" the other two asked. "I heard a noise followed the tracks, and BAM! I shot the pig."

    The third fellow went out the third day and finally crawled back home around midnight badly battered and bruised from head to toe nail. "What happened to you?" the other two asked. He replied, "I heard a noise, followed the tracks and BAM!, I was hit by a train."

  • An African priest out in the open Savannah was attacked by a lion where there was no tree to climb or place to run to.

    Immediately fell to his knees made the sign of the cross and began to pray, "Father, deliver me from this peril." To his surprise the lion stopped and made the sign of the cross too. "Thank you father" continued the priest.

    Said the lion:"I don't know bout that - this is my grace before meals!"

  • FAVORITE HYMNS!
    The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns
    The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
    The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
    The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy =
    The Golfer's Hymn: There is a Green Hill Far Away
    The Politician's Hymn: Standing On The Promises
    The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I May See
    The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
    The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
    The Electrician's Hymn: Send Out Thy Light
    The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By And By

    For those of you who drive, if you must speed on the highway, please sing these......

    45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
    55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
    65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee
    75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
    85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
    95 mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home
    Over 100 mph: Precious Memories
  • A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

    She said they would be home late and he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.

    She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

    "Throchmorton. Take of my dress." He did so carefully.

    "Throchmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

    The tension mounted as he complied.

    Finally she looked at him and said,

    "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

  • A Chinese father (Mr. Wong) standing in the delivery room was shocked to see his chinese wife (Mrs. Wong) deliver a black baby. After recovering he finally decided the baby's name: "Something"

    Thus the child came to be called "Something Wong."

    •

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