by Jera
RECAP: Lucky continued to be bothered by his fear for wondering if Liz had fallen in love with him only because he was there through her crisis. When he finally asked her about it vaguely, their messages crossed, and Lucky walked away leaving both of them thinking that it was over between them.
Lucky wiped the foggy mirror in front of him with the palm of his hand. The face in the mirror was that of someone he didn't recognize. His hair was too long and still wet from the shower he just took. Maybe he'd keep his hair long like he did a few years ago, he thought. His eyes seemed sad and cold. He touched his jaw and decided that it was time he shaved off the five days worth of stubble. It had been five days since he turned and walked away from Liz in the empty hallway after he'd gotten the answer he was afraid to hear. He couldn't remember much of anything that had happened in the past five days except for the constant gut-wrenching pain in his chest. He'd been going to school early and avoiding any eye contact with Liz. He'd been working long hours or hung around the library pretending to be studying for the finals. He'd escaped any chance of talking or even facing Liz, Laura, Luke, and even Nikolas. He'd been trying hard to bury himself in a cocoon licking his wound.
He lifted the razor after lathering his face up with the shaving cream. He missed Liz terribly. He constantly imagined what she was doing at that moment while he was taking another carburetor apart, or when he was staring at the books in front of him when all he could see was the image of Liz in his head. He didn't know what he'd been missing in his life until he'd had it and lost it again. Yet it didn't have to be him to begin with. He just happened to be there. Liz had fallen in love with him just because he was there. His hand put a little bit more force on the razor than necessary, and he saw the tiny red blood stream on his face. He'd barely felt the pain of the razor cut. How could this little bleeding compare to the bleeding heart inside? He finished shaving quickly, cleaned the cut, and went back to his room.
There was a note on the floor when he opened the door. He recognized Liz's handwriting and his heart skipped a beat.
"I've decided to go visit my family in London after the final on Wednesday. I thought I should let you know even though I'm not even sure if you'd still care at this point."
Wednesday. This was Monday. Lucky clinched to the paper in his hand. Liz was going to London in two days? She said to visit, but was she coming back? He turned around and was about to go ask Liz when he remembered painfully that he'd already let her go. He'd already set her free when he walked away five days ago. What was he going to do now? Lucky closed the door, and stood against it. After a moment, his body slowly slid down along the door until he was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands, sobbing.
So she'd done it. She'd called her parents and let them know that she wanted to go visit them for a while for the summer. They'd been so happy they didn't detect the sadness in her voice. And then she'd slipped the note through Lucky's door while he was in the shower. Liz stopped her steps in front of the bathroom and just listened to the water running inside. Lucky was in there. Not so long ago Lucky had walked in on her right after her shower, and now she was the one locked outside. Where did she go wrong? Was she too much of a burden for Lucky and he finally realized it? He'd been the only one that understood her. The only one ever in her life. He was the only one that was able to see through her mask. Her skimpy clothes and flirty talk never had any effect on him when they'd first met. It was not until Lucky had seen through her troubled heart that night when they were stuck in the ditch on their way to find Sarah and Nikolas, that she'd realized that he'd seen through her all along. He knew her even if he didn't realize how much he knew her. He'd befriended her even though she might be trouble. He'd been straight with her about everything. He'd stood by her after the rape, never wavering from her side even when she would push him away. It was meant to be. Or so she thought. Lucky apparently had other ideas now. Maybe he'd thought he needed to stick by her until he was sure she was completely all right. Maybe he'd even meant everything he'd ever said to her, at that moment.
She couldn't blame him for wanting to be free. After all, what did she have to offer him? All she'd ever done was lean on him. Not counting all the troubles she had caused him the first few months. It was only sooner or later he would realize he could have someone better. Perhaps sooner was better than later if it was hurting her so much as it is. Her entire being was being ripped apart and stepped on over and over again every time she remembered that she'd let him go. And she had to set him free. She loved him too much to be the burden in his life. Going to London was the only way she could take herself away from the daily agony of living in the same house as if they were strangers. She knew he was making every effort he could to stay away. She couldn't take it much longer.
What was going to happen when she got to London she had absolutely no idea. She was counting on her family to provide distractions. And she would need a lot of them. Lucky was already like a name carved in stone in her heart. There was no way for her to forget about him. But she could try to not to think about him as much. Perhaps she would decide to stay in London indefinitely. Putting an ocean between them would surely help with the urge to go find Lucky that she constantly had. She would hope so.
The flight to London was uneventful if she didn't count the waves of sadness that washed over her again and again. Lucky didn't even go to the airport. His good-bye was the little card he'd slipped through under her door that wished her a safe trip. The last time she'd seen him was in the classroom when they had a final on Wednesday. When the bell rang, the classroom emptied, they stood face to face with not a word to each other. She ran toward him and hugged him tightly before she rushed out of the classroom. She didn't want him to see her tears. He'd already seen too much of her tears and wiped away too much of them for her. Her lips quivered while the tears dropped on the card Lucky gave her. The passenger beside her shot her a sympathetic glance yet didn't say anything.
At the moment the airplane touched down on London's soil, Liz felt her heart grow old, and cold. She'd really left the only one that mattered to her.
Sarah and her parents had been genuinely happy that she was here at least for a summer. They tried to show her all around London, and were even talking about taking a trip to France. She couldn't even get herself to feel happy about that idea. She'd always wanted to see France. Yet nothing mattered to her now. She simply didn't care any more. No one could get through to her. Everyone had thought it was because she was remembering the rape now that she'd told her mom and let her hold her in her arms and wept with her. It couldn't have been further from the truth. The rape was now what seemed like a distant memory that she had dealt with, and put away. She was not able to put Lucky behind her so easily however hard she tried. Yet she was sure Lucky had been getting on with his life back in Port-Charles.
And it was what Lucky had thought she was doing. Lucky was sure Liz was having a great time in London, and was never coming back to Port-Charles. He never laughed any more. The world around him was just noise and distraction. He simply blocked himself from everyone. Nikolas asked him once if he had decided to grow old a bitter old man. Perhaps he was. Nikolas still came to the bike shop to see him even though Lucky knew he was not good company anymore. Nikolas sat silently watching him most of the time. Except for today.
Nikolas had been watching Lucky for the past hour, and he was setting his mind on talking to him today. Perhaps beat some sense into him if needed, he thought.
Nik: What the hell are you trying to do, Spencer?
Lucky looked up at Nikolas for second, didn't answer.
Nik: Drowning in your sorrow doesn't suit you, you know that?
Lucky: What do you care?
Nik: Wow! He speaks!
Lucky: Why don't you just run along if I'm bothering you so much?
Nik: Because I'm your last chance at sanity. That's why. Do you think I'm gonna let you back into your own corner after all this time?
Lucky: It's none of your business.
Nik: You choose to display this in front of me, it is my business.
Lucky: You are wasting your time. There are some things in the world others would never understand.
Nik: Like what? Your girlfriend is overseas and you are trying to push everybody around you away?
Lucky: She is not my girlfriend anymore. How many times do I need to tell you that?
Nik: Until you can convince me that it is true.
Lucky: What does that mean? Are you calling me a liar?
Nik: Aren't you?
Lucky stopped what he was doing and stood up.
Lucky: You want to know about it? You want to know how I lost her? Well, I'll tell you how I lost her! I should never have been with her in the first place!! She just needed me there for her! It could have been anyone! It could have been you! It could have been the guy selling pickles in the market! It didn't have to be me! Do you understand that??
Nik: Tell me you don't actually believe that.
Lucky: I asked her!!
Nik: Knowing you, I wouldn't put it past you to force her to admit what you think is the case.
Lucky: What the hell are you saying?
Nik: Lucky Spencer, you have a history of making yourself believe what you want to believe is true. You wanted to believe that I was the kind of evil man that my grandfather was, and you made it to be true no matter what you saw or heard. Elizabeth was crazy about you. Anybody can see that. Only you would be dumb enough to believe she could have fallen in love with the guy selling pickles in the market just as easily as she had fallen in love with you. As for me, I'm flattered, but compared to you, I was nothing in her eyes.
Lucky: Oh, but you're wrong. Elizabeth said she was with me just because I was there. She said that.
Nik: Will you listen to yourself? Do you even know what you are saying? You are saying that she shouldn't have fallen in love with you? So you were there. So she had a chance to get to know you better. What about you? Weren't you pining away for Sarah just before you started to hang around Liz all day long? Should she be thinking that you just fell in love with her because she was there, and she needed you? Would you have fallen in love with someone else if she wasn't there?
Lucky: That's different! I was already over Sarah, I just wouldn't let myself believe it. And I was in competition with you for the most part! And I always thought Liz was interesting, to say the least! She always had guts, and that is a plus in my book. If you are saying that I only fell in love with her because I pitied her, you are going to get your face rearranged!
Nik: Ok, so you are saying you were kind of interested in Liz before everything happened?
Lucky: So?
Nik: I don't want to name any names, but somebody in this room told me a while back that Liz had told him she'd had a crush on him before her rape. You don't think that counts for something? So you were the guy she leaned on, so you were always there for her and made it easy for her to fall in love with you. Do you really think it was all just random chance? Do you really think it had nothing to do with you? If you say you didn't just fall in love with Liz because of pity, why did you even think that she was going to fall in love with anybody that just happened to be helping her through her rape? You are cheapening her love for you, Lucky Spencer. You are saying she doesn't have enough brains to know whether or not she really loves you or not. And that's a shame because from where I stood, the two of you had something no one else I know has. If you are going to play the tragic hero and throw it all away, that's your choice, but don't try to make me believe it to be the truth. I don't know Liz as well as you do, and I even have more respect for her than that!
Lucky was dumbfounded. He couldn't think of a reply. How could he have been so stupid? Why did it have to take Nikolas to make him see all of this? He'd read Elizabeth's journal, he'd known how she wears her heart on her sleeves, he'd known her better than anyone. She was the one that had gotten him to open up to this brother in front of him. She was the one that had gradually paved the way for him to go home. She was the one that would listen to every little thing he had to say. She was the one that gave him his very first guitar. She was the one that had been treasuring every song he ever wrote. She was the one that had run off the plane just because she wanted to be with him. She was the one that gave him every reason to smile in a day. And he doubted her. He doubted her love for him. What kind of bastard was he? He thought back to the words she said that day in the hallway. Nikolas was right. He was the one that practically pushed her to say that she had fallen in love with him just because he was there. He remembered the panic in Liz's eyes when he asked her why did it have to be him? Could it have been anybody? She didn't panic because it really could have been anybody. She panicked because she thought he didn't want it to be him. She even asked him that!! How could he have been so self-absorbed and not realize what she was thinking! He'd hurt her! He'd made her think that her love for him was not welcomed by him anymore. And then he'd walked away, and avoided her. That's why she went to London! He'd chased her away because of his foolishness!!
Lucky: OH, My god................
Nik: Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
Lucky: How could I have been so stupid?
Nik: Well, you said it, not me.
Lucky: I have to see her, I have to go see her and explain all those crazy ideas that made me drive her away. I have to............
Nik: I'm doing this for Liz, not for you, just so we are clear. I'll get the Cassadine jet ready in an hour, you can fly to London to see her right away.
Lucky jerked his head up upon hearing that. His eyes said how grateful he was for this.
Lucky: You do know that being right all the time is a very annoying quality.
Nikolas laughed, and put one hand on Lucky's shoulder.
Nik: It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.
TO BE CONTINUED...................
