Prologue

The party to end all parties it's what we'd all been working so hard for. The cast and crew would finally have our night. We've been performing for the last year together. The curtain call was an emotional one tonight. We actually had 4 curtain calls. Our best ever but it was bittersweet . I'm just an assistant to an assistant production assistant. The job didn't really pay very well but the perks, well the one perk for me was the lead actor. He was originally billed as a washed up boy band member. But he came cheap and the producers pounced on him. He sang like no other and had a body that just wouldn't quit. When we first opened we didn't exactly fill the house. But after the first two weeks word got around that Nick wasn't exactly as washed up as some people thought.

He didn't stay at fancy hotels or arrive in limousines. I knew this only because I'd catch the 6 out to Brooklyn with him. He had no idea who I was, or that I was even there. I found myself infatuated with him. I'd constantly be watching his every move. I knew how many times he blinked his eyes in a minute. I knew that when things weren't going exactly like he wished, he would rake his fingers through his hair. His timing wasn't always perfect, nor was his pitch, but he was perfect in my eyes. Now it's all gonna end tonight. I'll never see him again.

Chapter 1

"That's a wrap, see you all at the After Party."

The burst of applause from the cast and crew grew deafening. There were tears and pats on the back. I made my way and hugged the cast members. Some were understudies, others leading characters. Then came Nick. I felt my pulse quicken, my heart was going to come through my chest. He embraced me and moved on. I didn't get a chance to even say a word. He moved on and was hugging other people.

About 90 minutes later we filed into a banquet room at the Trump Plaza. Alcohol was free flowing and I noticed a lot of people were already intoxicated and having a really good time. I noticed Nick dancing, I couldn't help be feel a little jealous.

Off to the side the props people were drawing in lots of people with a game of charades. I love games, all games so I headed in that direction.

The charades were easy and I was quickly racking up the points. Nick came over and was standing right beside me. And I didn't even know it! After winning the next round he finally spoke to me.

"You're pretty good at this." I just stared at him. He spoke with a smile. He was even more good looking up close. "Are you going to play again?" I nodded. "I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good myself. I hope you don't mind a little competition."

"No, that would be nice."

The next game started and by the third clue I had it. The next round again was quick and eventually people just didn't want to play with me anymore. But not Nick, he has a competitive streak in him that was voracious. He loved to win.

The game keeper finally changed the game. We had a huge word search and we had to have a team member. One of the understudies asked me to be her partner. Nick teamed up with one of the dancers. There were four teams. We were to alternately go up and find a word then come back and pass the sharpie. First one done wins a prize.

10 minutes later me and my partner were jumping up and down. We won gift certificates to the local mall. The drinks were still coming and now I was getting a little intoxicated. The game keeper said we had to switch partners. I found myself facing Nick.

Chapter 2

"Hi, I'm Nick."

"Amanda."

"I guess we're partners."

I felt all giddy inside. I couldn't stop smiling. He had that effect on me anyway. I often found myself throughout the day thinking of something he did, or something he'd said and just smile. He just made me happy and he didn't even know it.

"Okay guys. We're going for physical strength here."

Nick looked at me. I just smiled. The thought of getting physical with Nick was enough to keep me smiling for weeks.

"One, two, three, four, let's have a thumb war!"

"A tongue war?" Nick asked. "Did she say tongue war?"

I couldn't stop laughing. I was hysterical laughing. Nick had his tongue wagging outside of his mouth. He was laughing too as he watched the couples around us competing in a thumb war. "She said THUMB WAR!"

Again I lost it. Nick was laughing hysterically now too. I grabbed his hand and tried to compete. But I was useless and so was Nick.

Finally we felt the heated stares and we tried to get serious. It was no use!

"Okay, Okay. We gotta stop. I want that X-Box." I said.

"What X-Box?"

"One of the grand prizes is an X-Box. I don't have one yet. I only need 50 more points. After I beat you, I get it!"

"You mean 'if' you beat me."

"No, I mean when.." And then I held his thumb down.

"No fair!"

He was laughing, he wasn't mad. He was, well, he was drunk. "Okay, okay. Let's go again. Ready?"

"Ready."

"One, two, three, four, let's have a thumb war!" we sang.

Nick was on his game now. We were twisting and turning and he had me on the floor. He was actually straddling me now. I started to lose it. Nick Carter was straddling me! I started to laugh and then he got me.

"I win! I win!"

"Now that wasn't fair!" I said getting up off the floor. "You had all your weight on me, I couldn't breathe."

Nick downed another beer. "I still won."

Nick grabbed me and said, "Do you dance?"

"Dance?"

"Yah, their having a dance contest in about 10 minutes."

"Yea, I dance."

"Good, Partners?"

"Partners." We shook hands and headed down to the dance floor.

Chapter 3

While we danced Nick asked a lot of questions. "Were you one of the dancers?"

"No."

"Don't tell me. You were an understudy?"

"No."

"No?"

"I'm a production assistant."

"Oh, but I feel like I've seen you before."

"The curtain call."

"Huh?"

"You hugged me after the final curtain call."

"I did."

"It was that memorable for you huh?"

"No, I mean, I guess there was a lot going on back there huh? You were with the tour the whole year?"

"Before you came."

"Really?!"

"Really. So what's up with the music here?"

"I know, who picks this stuff?"

"Not me that's for sure." We talked and talked. Couples were dropping and Nick and I had three other couples to compete against. It wasn't who danced the best, it was who could dance the longest. "Aren't you tired? You've been on your feet all night."

"I'm all right. What'd you think of the play?"

"I thought you were amazing. I was surprised when we weren't selling out the first week or so, but once the reviews came pouring in, it just got crazy."

"I was nervous about that too. I started calling everyone I knew and begged them to come."

"You didn't?"

"I did. I didn't want to let anyone down. That's just how I am."

"They came to see you, you were the star."

"They came to see the play."

"I don't think so. Well, I mean they came to see the play, but mostly to see your performance."

"I guess I did all right."

"You did an awesome job. Do you think you'll do it again?"

"I like to act. It was a lot of fun. I'd like to someday star in the movies though."

"Have you ever done anything like this before?"

"I've done some commercials but that's not really acting."

"Why isn't it?"

"I just read lines."

"You do it really well. I'd buy anything you had to sell."

He laughed. We looked around and realized we were the only ones left on the dance floor. That just left us laughing hysterically again.

Chapter 4

One of Nick's friends approached him and he thanked me for helping him win. "I'll see you later Amanda."

I headed back to my table and ordered another drink. Nick and his friends were playing a game of quarters at his table. I just sat back and watched. They were all making him drink. He was having a good time. He was laughing so hard he was wiping tears. I couldn't help but stare.

After about a half hour he noticed me sitting with some friends. He called me. "Amanda? Hey, Amanda!" I turned to look back at him. "Come play with us."I laughed. "Bring your friends too!"

We all got up and headed to his table. "What's the game?"

"Quarters, you game?"

"I haven't played this since college, but yah I'm in."

"College?"

"Yah, you know that school where the big kids go?"

He laughed. "Okay smart ass, you go first." He handed me the quarter and I sunk it on the first try.

"I pick you Nick."

He laughed and then downed the beer. He placed the glass on the table and looked at me. He wiggled his eyebrows and took the quarter from his mouth. He handed to the next person. They missed. The next person got it in and again asked Nick to drink. Again he drank, looked at me and slipped the quarter from his mouth. It was his turn now and I knew if he got it, he'd pick me. He missed! I picked up the quarter and rolled it between my fingers just staring at him. "Thirsty Nick?" It flew into the glass.

"No fair! You've played this since college."

"I swear, I haven't. It's not that hard."

He mumbled something under his breath and then drank the beer. I just loved watching him slide the quarter out of his mouth. It was my favorite part. "Let's make this interesting." He said. "If I drink you have to get the quarter from my mouth, no hands."

"I guess this is just a game between you and I now?"

He smiled, reached into his pocket and threw another quarter to the others sitting at the table. It was now his turn. "If you drink, I have to get the quarter from your mouth, no hands."

"Okay, that's if you make it."

He made it. I had to drink. I downed the beer and had the quarter in my mouth. He got up and sat down beside me. Our mouths met and his tongue probed my mouth in search of the quarter. He got it. "Here you go." he said as he dropped the quarter in my hand.

After I caught my breath I took my turn. I made it in. He downed the beer an turned to face me. I slowly tilted my head and stuck my tongue in his mouth in search of the quarter. I sucked it out and handed him the quarter. We just stared at each other. He took his turn and missed. I took my turn and missed. He took his turn and made it. I again downed the beer and he again brought his mouth to mine. He handed me the quarter. I made it in and he had to drink. This time he had left the quarter in the glass but I didn't realize it. I stuck my tongue into his mouth and he responded by kissing me back. I felt so dizzy. He was so drunk. I was drunk, but it felt so good.

"Do you wanna go some where?" he asked.

Chapter 5

"Nick, Um, I... want to but, we're a little drunk."

"I'm all right."

"No, maybe another time."

"Can I have your phone number?" I wrote down my phone number on a slip of paper and handed it to him. "Is this Brooklyn?"

"Yup."

"I'm staying in Brooklyn."

"I know."

"You know?"

"I take the 6 too."

"How come I never saw you?"

"You usually sleep on the way home."

"How do you know that?" He seemed kind of freaked out.

"I take the same train as you for the last year. Your stop is one before mine."

"And you never said anything?"

"What was there to say? We hadn't met until tonight."

"It doesn't feel that way."

"I know."

"How you getting home tonight?"

"The 6"

"Me too, should we go?"

"It is late, I guess." I went back to my table and gathered my things. I said good night to my friends and met Nick at the door. He was still laughing and having a good time. When he finally did come to the door I said, "You don't have to leave on my account."

"No, I gotta get some sleep. I'm tired and a little drunk." he giggled.

He is so gorgeous. We headed to the subway station and talked some more. Mostly about him. "So what's next for Nick Carter?"

"I'm going into the studio in a few weeks to record another solo album."

"Are you kidding?!" I felt myself slip. But inside I was dying, another CD, DVD, and the possibility of a tour was getting me giddy.

"No, I've wanted to do this for a long time. I've got so many songs in my head I can't think straight sometimes." The train finally arrived and Nick and I sat together.

"What genre, pop?"

"More soft rock, some hard rock, but pop also. You should come see some of my stuff sometime."

"I'd love too! I don't mean to sound imature but I love your sound. I think I have everything you've ever released. Even some that never got released."

"How is that possible?"

"I don't know. You can get anything on the internet."

"True. So, have you lived in Brooklyn your whole life?'

"Pretty much. Where do you call home now?"

"I split my time between Marathon and Los Angeles."

"I've never been to either place."

"They're like as opposite as I can get. I chill out and hang with friends in Marathon, and Los Angeles is mostly business, but I have friends there too."

"I've been mostly here in New England. My ultimate dream is a stamp in my passport. I've had it for almost 10 years and I've never been anywhere."

"Don't they expire after 10 years?'

"Yes. I've already sent it in for renewal."

He just laughed. "Well, this is my stop. Would it be okay if I called you later?'

"Sure." He leaned in and kissed me. Again with the Tongue!

I went on to the next stop and walked the 2 blocks to my apartment I shared with my cat Monkey.

Chapter 6

Nick called the next afternoon around 4. "What are you doing?"

"Just laying around."

"Me too. Do you wanna go get something to eat?'

"Sure. I'm starving."

"Me too, What do you want?'

"I don't know, why don't you come over and we'll go find something."

"Okay, what's your address?'

"I'll meet you at the station."

"Okay, but I have to shower first."

The thought of Nick standing naked in the shower made me blush. "Yah, me too. So how about we meet in an hour?"

"An hour sounds good. I'll see you then."

I hung up the phone and started jumping up and down. "I can't believe this is happening!" I have an hour. My downstairs neighbor was banging on his ceiling. "Sorry!"

I straightened up my apartment and changed my clothes. I walked down to the train station and waited about fifteen minutes for Nick's train. He came down the stairs looking hot. He had a bouquet of flowers.

"Hi."

"Hi, these are for you."

"They're beautiful. Thank you."

"How are you feeling?"

"Have you noticed the dark glasses? I'm better than I was earlier, that's all I can tell you."

"Should we walk?" I nodded my head. Nick took my hand in his. I turned to look at him. "What?"

"Nothing. Just not sure we're this is all headed."

"Food, I thought we were going to eat?"

"Not that." I lifted our hands. "This?"

"I'm just trying to figure out how we could go a whole year and never meet."

"It's not like you were lonely."

"You saw that?"

"How could I not."

"Does that make you uncomfortable?"

How to answer that question. Hmm, let's see. He slept with about 40 girls some practically right in front of me, hell in front of everyone. Does that make me uncomfortable? "No, I guess not."

"What's good?"

"What do you like?"

"Something spicy."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, the hotter the better?"

"You like spicy food?"

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"I don't know. I had you pegged as a pizza, and burger boy."

"Boy?"

"Er, man, person."

He laughed. "I love spicy food. I just can't be too far from a bathroom for too long." We both laughed.

"Then I know perfect place." We walked down a few streets and Nick smiled when we came up to 'The Thai Palace.' "Have you been here before?"

"Once. This is really good." We went inside and we were seated immediately. Nick sat beside me. We ordered two beers and began to search the menu. "We should just order everything, I can't decide."

I laughed. "Let's order the number 1, 5, 7, and 10."

"Will that be enough?"

"More than enough." I laughed. The waiter came back and took our order. Nick and I just talked and talked. We never ran out of things to say. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I got my passport in the mail today."

"Where you gonna go?"

"No where. I have no plans. I hate to fly."

"I can relate."

"Sure you can."

"I hate it."

"You traveled all over the world. I even saw a picture of you in a cockpit."

"You did?"

"Yah, that doesn't do much to support your story."

"I am really, I am. I hate to fly. I only fly 'cuz I have too."

Our food came and Nick and I ate so much. We finally asked for some to-go boxes and then the waiter came with the bill. It was over a hundred dollars. "Nick, let my pay half of that."

"No, I got it."

"But we ordered so much."

"I love leftovers, don't you?" He laughed.

"Let me leave the tip then."

"It's taken care of." The waiter came back and took the check and we were ready to go. "What do you want to do now?'

"Nap." We laughed. "I guess walk some of this food off."

Chapter 7

Nick and I headed down town. We were walking along holding hands and looking into shop windows. We came up to a Travel Agents store front window. "Some day I'm gonna get a stamp in my passport."

"Where would you go?"

"I don't care."

He laughed. We kept walking. We finally ended at my apartment building. "Why are we stopping?"

"This is where I live." He craned his neck and looked up. "What floor?"

"Fifth."

"You wanna go up?"

"Do you?"

"Yes, unless you don't want me to."

"No, I'm fine. We went inside my apartment building and waited for the elevator. We all of a sudden had nothing to say. The doors opened and we went inside. The doors opened again and we exited on the 5th floor. I walked down to my apartment Nick right behind me. I stopped at my door and turned to him. "Before you come in....I just want... I just want us to be cool. I don't know you well enough to take this beyond friends."

"I understand. Whew, for a minute I thought you were gonna spring someone on me."

"Spring someone?"

"A kid, or boy friend."

I laughed. "No, I am single and never had any children." He smiled. I opened the door and we walked in. Monkey came and greeted me. "Oh wait, this is my baby." I scooped her up and began the baby talk. "Oh you missed me did ya? You want something to eat?"

Nick laughed. "You have a cat?"

"Yes, this is monkey."

"Monkey? A cat named Monkey?"

"Yes, wait until you see her perform."

"Your cat performs?"

"Yes, no. She's just very agile." I fed the cat and Nick sat on the sofa. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Sure."

"Beer?"

"Perfect." I brought two beers to the coffee table and sat down next to Nick. "Thanks."

"So, your going back into the studio?"

"Yes, I'm so excited."

"Me too!" He just looked at me. "I mean. I love your voice. I think I have everything you ever put out. Even the unpublished stuff."

"You do? How did you get that again?"

"Internet." We both said at the same time.

"Have you ever gone and watched someone cut a record?" He asked.

"No, never."

"Well, if you're not jetting around the world in a couple weeks maybe you could come."

"I'd love to be the first to hear your new stuff."

He leaned in and kissed me. I've had his tongue in my mouth so much lately that I missed it. Every kiss was like it was the first. I felt butterflies in my stomach I swear I could see fireworks. His hand brushed up against my breast and I just kissed him harder.

"We'd better stop before I can't."

"I'm sorry, I just...."

He put his fingers to my lips. "Don't apologize. We'll take it slow." I grabbed his hand and just looked at it. I love his hands. "What are you looking at?'

"Your hands. You have beautiful hands."

He smiled. "You're beautiful. You must have been hiding this past year. You were there every day?'

"Every day."

"Wow, where was I?"

"You were busy. With the play I mean."

He kissed me again. "I'd better get back. Tomorrow you come to me."

"Okay, I have no plans."

"What are you going to do now that the play is over?"

"Wait for something to fall into my lap?"

"Really?'

"What?"

"I may have something for you."

I smiled. "What?"

"Let me make some calls, I'll try and get it all tied up by tomorrow."

"Okay, if it doesn't work out I'll understand."

"I have a little to say about this so I think it's gonna work out."

He kissed me and headed for the door. "I'll walk you to the station."

"It's late and it's two blocks. I'll be fine. I'll call you when I get home."

"Be careful Nick."

"I will." He kissed me again and he was gone.

Chapter 8

Nick called me about half an hour later. "I'm home."

"Good, I was beginning to worry."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Hey, Can you be here tomorrow around 1?"

"Sure. Hey, you left your food here."

"Bring it tomorrow we'll have lunch. " He laughed.

"If there is any left by tomorrow."

"I'm really tired. I'm going to bed now. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night Nick."

He hung up. Monkey was in a playful mood so I played with her for a while. I went in search of my scrap book and pulled out the picture of Nick flying the 747 over the ocean somewhere. He looked so happy. I slipped it into a manilla envelope and went to bed.

I dreamed of Nick. What else was there to dream about. This whole situation seemed so surreal to me. I dreamed that he took me to Europe. That we stayed in fancy hotels and we made love. I could almost feel him kissing me. He told me he loved me. The words I've wanted to hear since I was 18 years old. He was saying them to me.

My alarm brought me back to reality and then I realized it was just a dream. I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I saw the Thai food. "At least part of it's true."

My friend called to tell me she had a job offer for me. I thought back to Nick's last words. He may have something for me. "You know Jen, I have something to look into first. Can I get back to you?"

"Sure, just wanted to give you first shot."

"I appreciate it. I have this thing this afternoon. I should know by tonight, tomorrow at the latest."

"Okay, we had a great run. Didn't we?"

"We did. I really learned a lot thank you for helping me."

"Anytime Amanda, you did more than you give yourself credit for."

"Thank you. I'd better get moving. I have a one o'clock."

"Okay, I hope it doesn't go well, I'd really like the opportunity to work with you again."

I laughed. "We'll see. I'll call you tomorrow."

We hung up and I fed Monkey. I took a shower and got dressed. I still had 90 minutes until I was to meet Nick. I put my hair up, then down. I pulled it back, and then down again. I put on some make up and waited. I finally headed down to the train. I headed down the stairs at Nick's stop and saw him leaning against the fence. He smiled when he saw me.

"Hi."

"Hi, this is for you."

"For me? What is it?"

"Open it."

Nick tore the envelope open and pulled out his picture. "Wow! this is so cool. Thank you, I've never seen it before."

"I imagine you haven't. There are probably a lot of pictures you haven't seen."

He kissed me. "Thank you. How are you feeling today?"

"Really good!"

We laughed. We walked to his apartment and when I entered there were three other people inside. "Amanda, this is Tony, Brandon, and Lamar. They make up Freak Daddy records."

I laughed. "Freak Daddy?"

"I know. Unfortunately they got it from me. It was this little stint Howie and I did during the Millenium tour."

"I remember that."

"You do?" He said wrinkling up his nose. He was so adorable. "Anyway, I know your a production assistant, but we need help with my album."

"How can I help?"

"I want you to help put it all together."

"Nick, I don't know..."

"You know me better than I know myself. I know you'll keep my best interests at heart. It's not that I don't trust these guys, but I want someone who's committed to me and only me. These guys have other clients. I'll pay you. I don't expect you to do it for free."

"I'm just afraid of doing something wrong."

"You won't. If you need an assistant we'll get you someone."

"But..."

"I plan on doing a record, music video, and tour. I know you can help with the tour. It's just like doing a play."

"I don't know how to choreograph that!"

"No, you won't have to do that. Okay, think of it this way. I need you to be my assistant. You'll finally get that stamp in your passport." he grinned from ear to ear.

"Nick?" I smiled as wide. I just jumped into his arms and kissed him. I didn't care who was there.

"Is that a yes?"

"Oh my god, Nick. I don't know."

"We can do this together, but I really don't trust anyone more than you."

"You don't even know me."

"Yes I do."

"You think you do, but do you really?'

"Think of this as our way to get to know each other better. See where we can go together."

I thought hard about it. I just looked into his eyes. "Are you sure you want me?"

"Positive."

"Okay, I'm in."

Now it was his turn to kiss me. The guys excused themselves and Nick and I were alone in his apartment.

Chapter 9

"Nick, are you sure you really want me to do this?"

"I trust you. You make me feel good inside. You make me happy."

God I know that feeling. "I just don't want to do anything that's going to jeopordize your career."

"Don't worry, we'll be working side by side. I won't let anything bad happen."

He kissed me again. I heard myself moan and that just made Nick respond more passionately. "Nick..."

"It's okay." He slowed his kisses. "You hungry?'

"Hungry?"

He laughed. "Did you bring the food?"

"I forgot it."

"You ate it!" he laughed.

"I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"I did. I couldn't help myself. I had it for breakfast."

He pulled me to him. "I would have done the same thing." We went down to a small cafe and Nick talked about what he wanted me to do. It sounded more like a personal assistant job. But I was happy just to be with him. "So mostly you'll be following me everywhere. Making sure I know what I'm doing every day. I really want you're input on what songs I should put on my album. You said you've heard everything I ever put out and I'm sure there are ones that just made you cringe."

"There were one or two."

He laughed. "Mostly I just want your honesty. This is my life. I want someone who is going to tell me it sucks when it sucks, and good when it's good. Can you do that?"

"I know I can, but what about us?"

"What?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm reading it all wrong, but I feel us... well, a closeness."

"Exactly. I feel an attraction to you. I know you know that. This is just a way for us to spend more time together. Get to know everything about each other."

"You may get to know too much about me."

"Likewise."

"I doubt there is anything you can do that would surprise me."

"Oh yeah?" he pulled me to him and kissed me hard. He takes my breath away. I swear this is all a dream. But he's right here, kissing me.

"So, what do you think is fair?"

"What do you mean?"

"Pay wise."

"Nick I feel really uncomfortable talking about money. Don't you have people that take care of that?"

"I do, but I want to make sure it's enough."

"No special favors Nick. That'll just ruin it. We'll have a business relationship when it comes to the business, and a personal relationship when you have down time."

"Okay. But I don't know about that 'business relationship' part. You do know what I want to do to you don't you?"

"Nick..." I laughed. He began to tickle me.

"Oh, Your ticklish?"

"Nick, stop! Nick!"

He kissed me. His hand cupped my ass and he practically lifted me off the floor. "What is it that makes you so desirable to me?"

"I don't know. Just kiss me."

He kissed me again. It was getting late. Nick walked me back to the subway station where we kissed and I missed two trains. "Nick, I gotta go."

"I know. Maybe I'll just ride with you."

"No! If you come back I won't be able to say no. I'm just not ready yet."

He smiled and kissed me again. "Okay, I'll call you tomorrow."

"You better."

I went up the stairs backwards watching Nick until I couldn't see him anymore. I smiled all the way back to my apartment.

Chapter 10

I called Jen the next morning. "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to decline. The job I applied for yesterday was more than I could ever have hoped."

"I'm sorry to hear that. But as long as your happy."

"I am. Just a little nervous. It's new territory for me. I'm afraid of making mistakes."

"Amanda, you are good at everything you do. You have so much information in that pretty little head of yours you could never fail."

"No, I could. I know I could fail."

"Mistakes are a given in any industry. As long as you give 100% at what you do you can not fail."

"This is very exciting. But it's going to be very demanding too."

"What is it?"

"I'm actually going to be working on the music side of the industry. I'm going to help arrange some music and put together a tour."

"YOUR KIDDING?"

"No, now do you see why I'm so nervous?"

"How did that... How did you get an interview?"

"I met someone and he asked me to come over and talk to his friends."

"Do I know him?"

"Yes."

"Who is it?"

"Nick Carter."

"He's got another record?"

"Not yet. He's got a lot of songs. He's supposed to go into the studio in about 8 days. He wants me to help pick out the songs! I'm just so stoked."

"You loved him for a long time."

"I liked him."

"No, you loved him. I saw you staring at him. Licking your lips whenever he licked his. I'm not blind even though he was."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"That was your fantasy. A girl's gotta have her fantasies."

"Yeah, I guess. Well anyway, I'm sorry that I can't help you."

"It's okay. Hey, when he goes on tour, can you get me some decent seats?"

I laughed. "I'll see what I can do."

"OH, spoken like a real agent."

I laughed again. "Thank you again Jen, I appreciate everything you've done for me."

"It was my pleasure. If you find you need help with anything, call me."

"Thanks, I may take you up on that."

"Please do. Well, I gotta find me a production assistant. I better hit the phones."

"I'm sorry. Maybe next time."

"Girl, you're out of my league now. You're going to do some brilliant things. Just remember us little people okay?"

"Jen, stop it. You better go. Thanks again for keeping me in mind."

We hung up. The phone rang as soon as it hit the cradle.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Hi Nick."

"You've been on the phone a long time."

"I was talking to Jen, I hope you don't mind I told her I'm working for you now."

"Why would I mind?"

"I know you're a private person, but we were talking and I just...she's not going to go blabbing it all over town."

"I hope she does."

"What?'

"You know you think you know me but you don't. We're just gonna have to spend more time together." He said accusingly.

"Oh I guess we will. Where are you right now?"

"Lying on my bed."

"Okay, that's a vision."

"What?"

"Nothing, are you coming over?"

"Yes, we gotta go shopping."

"Shopping? For what?"

"I saw your computer. You really need a new one."

"I can't afford that right now."

"I'm going to buy some things. It's all for our 'business relationship'" He said real slow.

I had to laugh. "Well come and get me."

"We gotta go downtown. I'll meet you at my stop."

"Okay, when do you want to go?"

"Right now, you dressed?"

"I'm dressed. "

"Too bad."

"Nick stop!" he laughed. "I'll catch the next train. See you in about 20 minutes."

"I'll be there."

I grabbed my purse and jacket and headed down to the train. Nick was waiting on the platform and sat down beside me. He kissed me. "How's monkey?"

"She's fine."

"Does she miss me?"

"No, but I do."

Chapter 11

"I just want to tell you that I'm going to have to spend a lot of money on you today and I don't want you to feel guilty about it. It's for the business. It's all a write off."

"Okay, I'm glad you told me 'cuz I would have felt guilty."

"No, don't ever feel guilty. This is who I am. You keep saying you know me, but you don't. You only think you do. My biggest problem is that I'm a people pleaser. I do everything for someone else. I love to see people happy, if my acting or singing can do that then I'm happy. So please try and get to know the real me. Not Nick Carter, actor, or Nick Carter the singer. Please get to know Nick Carter the man."

"I know you don't like me to apologize. But I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. You're right. I have no real understanding of who you are. I guess I thought I knew who you were for so long that my assumptions have taken over. But what I do know is that we are a lot alike. I am a people pleaser too. I love seeing people smile. My favorite thing in the whole world is watching someone enjoy a really good laugh. A no hold bars laugh."

"I like that too. But don't apologize. I'm not upset or anything. It's just, you know when I try to date... girls just think I still drive a green Durango. They think I play Nintendo's Mario Kart all day. I don't. I mean, if someone were to pull it out I'd play, but my interests change. I love to write. I love to draw. I like to just hang out on the couch. I still love Basketball though. I can't get enough of that."

" Wait, so you don't have the Durango anymore?" I laughed.

"So let's just start with Nick and Amanda, okay? No preconceived notions."

I stuck out my hand. "Hi, I'm Amanda."

He kissed my hand. "This is why I like you so much. Your so easy to talk too."

"I never imagined it would be easy to talk to you. I enjoy being with you."

We finally reached the city. Nick and I walked downtown to J&R's Computer and Music World. Nick must have called because we headed right to a back office where there were tons of things all over the table.

"Mr. Carter, I'm Jeff. It's nice to meet you."

Nick shook his hand. "This is Amanda, we need to get her outfitted."

"Okay, nice to meet you Amanda." Jeff shook my hand. "I've brought out 3 of the top of the line computers. They are all powered up. Here let me show you." Jeff began to explain the differences between the three computers.

"I like the Sony." I looked to Nick for support.

"We'll take the Sony."

"Is that the one I should have?"

"Is that the one you like?"

"Yes."

"Okay, now what about those..." Nick was cupping his hand and waving it around. "You know one of those mini computers that store everything?"

"Palm Pilot? I have them right here." Again Jeff had the top three. "They all come with a cradle that plugs into your lap top. So you can enter stuff here, (he pointed to the laptop) and download it into your Palm pilot."

"Sounds complicated."

"I can show you how to do that." Nick said.

"Okay, so which one?"

"Which one do you like?"

"I don't know." I looked at them again. "This one, I like the bigger font."

"Okay, next. Cell phones?"

"Okay, I personlly suggest this one. But again I have the top three. The reason I say this one is because it has all the bells and whistles."

We got me a cell phone and went to look at software applications. "What do you think you'll need Amanda?'

"I really don't know."

"Let's get this, this, and this." Nick picked out a few things. "We can always come back if there's something else we need."

"Okay, how are we going to get all this stuff back?"

"Should I have it delivered to your home Mr. Carter?"

"No, Amanda, give him your address."

I gave him my address. The only thing I kept with me was the cell phone. Jeff had it all set up for me and I had a number. "Let me see that a minute." Nick said.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to program my numbers in it."

Chapter 12

We left J&R and Nick led me down the street. "I don't mean to assume anything, but do you have a suit?"

"A suit? No."

"We're gonna have to go buy you some clothes then."

"Nick, really. I can do that."

"No, it's part of our 'business relationship' " He said with a smile.

He took me to a womans store where I tried on 6 suits. He bought them all. Again he had them delivered to my house. "Nick, if you insist on spending so much money on me today..."

"What?"

"Can you buy me dinner? It's almost 6 O'clock."

He smiled. We walked by ground zero and I just cried. "Did you know anyone here?"

"No. But it just breaks my heart anyway."

He pulled me to him. "Let's go back to that flower cart back there. We'll leave some flowers."

"Can we?"

"Sure, wanna leave a note?"

"Will you help me write it?"

"Sure." We walked back to the flower cart we passed and bought two bouquets of flowers. We asked for some paper and walked to a little cafe. We ordered something warm to drink. Novemeber was upon us and it was cold. "What should we write?"

"I want to say something like, I still remember."

"Oh Amanda."

"What?"

"That's just so profound. Most people say they'll never forget. But I still remember, oh it just stops me short."

"It's how I feel." Nick wiped away my tear.

He wrote 'I still remember' and drew a thorny vine around the words and encircled the whole thing in a heart. "Nick it's beautiful."

We walked back down to ground zero and secured the paper to the fence and placed the bouquets on either side. I kissed my fingers and touched Nick's poster. We left it there and went to dinner. By the time I got in it was almost 11 o'clock. I was so tired. I showered off and went to bed.

The next morning the goods were delivered and I called Nick from my new cell phone. "Hi, can you come over?"

"Yes, is anything wrong?"

"No, all this stuff is here and I need help."

"Okay, let me get dressed. I'll be there in about an hour."

"Okay, see ya soon."

I was so nervous to touch anything in fear of breaking it. I peeled an orange and went for the newspaper and to pick up Nick. "You didn't have to meet me here." I kissed him."But I'm glad you did."

"Did you see the paper today?"

"No why?" Right there on the front page was Nick's drawing.

"NO WAY! Is that for real?"

"It's the Post."

"Why?"

"It was someone's birthday yesterday, you know one of the victims. His family went down and saw it. Called the paper and they wrote a whole article."

"Wow! 'I still remember.' "

"It's surreal isn't it." Nick looked at the picture again. "All the flowers, they weren't there before."

"I know. People read it and brought them too."

"I told you it was profound. You touch people Amanda." I smiled and he kissed me.

We spent about an hour getting my computer up and running. We installed all the software and Nick got it so my palm pilot was hooked up to the computer. The programs were great. "Do you think you need anything else?" Nick asked.

"A kiss would be nice." He kissed me. "You know, I can design some software for schedules and stuff."

"We have that."

"I know, but I played around with it in the store and I really don't like it."

"Why'd we buy it then?"

"Because I can 'borrow' some stuff from it and create my own."

He laughed. "Borrow?"

"Yes, borrow. We really need to sit down and go over exactly what you want me to do. At this point I know you want my input and to keep you informed of your appointments. But other than that, I have no clue."

He grabbed my palm pilot and sat at my computer. "We will." He began typing things into the program and then downloaded it into my palm pilot. Then he handed it to me.

"What?"

"Check you appointments."

I grabbed the little pen thingy and made my way to the appointments section. I smiled. "Lunch?"

"I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry."

"I didn't eat breakfast."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"You told me to come over!"

"You could have eaten first."

He leaned in and kissed me. "Aren't you hungry?"

"I am."

Chapter 13

Nick and I went to lunch and then caught a movie. We were spending a lot of time together. Nick would be going, well I guess we'd be going into the studio on Monday. We walked back to my apartment. And I could tell something was on his mind. "What's the matter? You've hardly said two words since the movie."

"I gotta go to Florida this weekend."

"Oh."

"I forgot all about it. It's a family thing. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"Nick, I'll be okay."

"I don't want you to be okay without me."

"When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow. My plane leaves at noon."

"So soon? I guess this is it for the weekend?"

"I'm sorry."

"No apologies Nick. You have my number don't you?"

He smiled. "Yah, I have your number." He pulled me close and kissed me. We went into my apartment and cuddled kissed and dabbled in some heavy petting. "I better go."

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too, but I promise to call."

"Okay, say hi to your family. That sounds weird coming from me I bet?"

"It kind of does, only because I bet you can name all of them and even their birthdays."

"No, I can't name their birthdays." I laughed. "I know yours is coming up in January though."

"When is your birthday? I don't even know."

"You've got time."

"But when?"

"March."

"March what?"

"March 9th."

"March 9th." He pulled out his Palm Pilot and entered it. "We'll do something nice, I promise."

I kissed him again. "I don't want you to leave yet."

"I don't want to go, but I always wait to pack at the last minute. I gotta go pack."

In intertwined my fingers with his and looked up into his blue eyes. "Kiss me so I know you're really going to miss me." And then he did. I felt like I was floating. I felt a tingle throughout my body starting with my hair and ending in my toes. When the kiss was over I didn't want to open my eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to memorize that feeling." I slowly opened my eyes and smiled at him.

"You know I care about you right?"

"I know."

"I don't want any other woman in my life, so I guess, what I'm asking you is if you want the same?"

"I do Nick. I can't imagine being with anyone but you. You were my fantasy, now your my reality. If you only knew how happy you make me."

"You make me happy."

"No, you make me happy."

"You make me happier."

"There is no way."

"Just kiss me Amanda."

So I kissed him. Then he left. He was gone for the whole weekend. He did call two or three times a day. But I missed him still. I missed his touch, and his kiss. Why in such a short period have I fallen for him so fast?

I spent my weekend shopping and looking through the paperwork "Freak Daddy" productions sent over. They wanted to pay me $50,000.00 to follow Nick around. "OH MY GOD!" I called Jen.

"Hey Amanda, what's going on?"

"I need to ask you something and I need you to be straight with me."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No, I'm just going through all this paperwork from Nick's company and I think he's over paying me."

"So?"

"I don't want to take advantage of him Jen. I need everything on the up and up."

"How much is he paying you?"

"$50,000.00 a year."

She was silent a minute. "And what exactly are you doing for him again?"

"I knew it was too much."

"No wait a minute. I've got my pay scale here. Tell me what you're doing?"

I filled her in on everything Nick told me and what I was able to decipher from the paperwork. "I think it's too much."

"No, actually it's about right. I'd put you at around 46,000.00 but they probably just rounded it off."

"Why so much?"

"Your doing about 6 different jobs there kiddo. Your his secretary, your his travel agent, his consultant, not to mention personal assistant. I'm sure your duties will change and your pay will increase."

"Increase? I never thought I'd make this much money so soon after college."

"You got lucky kiddo. Don't stress over it. What's going on with you two anyway?"

"We're dating."

"Really? But I didn't think he knew who you were?"

"He didn't until the After Party."

"What the hell did I miss?"

"Nothing, we just realized we had a lot in common."

"Does he know about you?"

"Yes, he's fine with it. He just wants me to be honest with him."

"Wow, Nick and Amanda. I'll be damned. I never would have imagined it in a million years."

"Hey, thanks a lot!"

"You know what I mean. Anyway, I got another call I gotta take it. Keep in touch."

"Thanks again Jen, I'll call you."

Chapter 14

I ran down to the local video store. I was lonely. I missed Nick. I picked up a chick flick Mandy Moore's 'A Walk to remember.' I love this movie. I was in tears when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Amanda, hi. What's wrong?"

"I'm watching a movie. It's so sad."

"Oh your one of those?"

"One of what?"

"A cryer. You cry at sad movies."

"Commercials too. I admit it." He laughed. "Where are you?"

"Still in Florida. I'll be home tomorrow."

"I can't wait. I miss you."

"I miss you too. I bought you something."

"Nick, I think you've spent enough money on me."

"No I haven't. Besides I saw this and it made me think of you."

"What is it?"

"You'll have to wait."

"Oh Nick, don't do that."

He laughed. "I'm just kidding. It's a beautiful necklace. I saw it and I swear I thought of you."

"You are the sweetest man I know."

"Your just saying that."

"No, I'm not. I really miss you."

"I switched my flight to the first one. I land at 9:30am."

"What time do you have to get up?"

"Six." I laughed. "What?"

"Since when are you able to get up at 6am?"

"I don't I have three alarm clocks in my room." I had to laugh again.

"Just get here safe Nick."

We talked for about an hour and then he hung up. I watched the rest of my movie and went to bed. The next moring I baked a cake for Nick. I made lunch too. He's always taking me out to eat and I wanted to do something special for him. He called at 9:40 and said he landed early. He was on his way by car so he'd be here soon. We hung up and I showered and dressed into something really revealing even for my taste. I sat on the front stoop and waited for him. When the black town car pulled up in front and Nick jumped out I cried.

"Hey, why the tears?"

"I'm just happy to see you."

"You gotta stop watching them movies. Action films, now there's a movie."

I laughed and then he kissed me. "Mr. Carter, your bag?"

"Thanks." Nick took his bag and we went upstairs. "So you missed me huh?"

"Yes, I've got something for you."

"You do, do you? What is it?" I opened the door to my apartment and the smells were intoxicating. "What did you do?"

"I cooked. "Curry Chicken and rice, and a cake."

"A cake? One of your famous cakes?"

"Famous?"

"Yeah, I talked to Randy from the play. I told him we were dating. He went on and on about your cake. I was wondering when I was going to get to taste it."

He kissed me. I took off my jacket and he stared. "What?"

"What are you wearing?"

"Don't you like it?"

"I love it, but ... I'm not going... Geez!" He raked his fingers through his hair. "Amanda, you are so beautiful." He crossed the room and kissed me.

"It's something new I bought for you. I normally don't wear things like this, but I missed you and the sales lady talked me into it."

"Remind me to thank her." He held me out and made me twirl. "Damn!"

"Are you hungry?"

"Huh?"

"Hungry."

"Yeah, I'm hungry all right."

I slapped him softly. "Nick, I cooked for you."

"Oh yeah, that. Okay, yeah I can eat."

Chapter 15

We ate our lunch and Nick loved the cake. "Oh yeah, let me get your necklace." Nick dug into his bag and came out with a little velvet pouch. He dumped the necklace into his hand. "Turn around." I turned around. I lifted my hair as he fought with the clasp. He leaned down and kissed my neck and then turned me to face him. "Exactly as I imagined."

I looked down at the little diamond heart. "Nick, it's so beautiful."

"Just like you." He kissed me so passionatley. I was struggling to breathe. "Amanda, I want to be with you."

"I want that too. But I'm scared."

"Scared? Why are you scared?"

"I gave my heart only once before. I can't go through that again."

"Oh baby, I'd never hurt you. I... I really like you. A lot."

I kissed him and pulled him down onto the couch. His hands were all over my body. I could feel his excitement. But I was nervous. And he could feel it. He pulled back.

"I'm sorry. I want to really. I want you so badly, but I just need more time."

"It's okay. Really. I don't want you under any pressure from me."

"But you have needs Nick. I know you have needs."

"I can wait. Honest. All I want is you."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Is this that movie you were crying over last night?"

"Yes, it was so sad."

"I want to watch it."

"It's a total chick flick Nick."

"So, if you liked it I'll like it." I turned the VCR on and put in the tape. I fast forwarded it through the ads. "Do you know she opened for me?"

"Yes, 1999. The Into the Millenium Tour."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Come up with dates and stuff."

"Freaky, I know. I don't know."

We watched the movie and I cried. Nick was so sweet. He just held me. When it was over he said he really liked it. It was late and he was tired so I walked him downstairs.

"What time do you want to meet tomorrow?"

"Nine o'clock on the platform."

"Okay, should I wear a suit?"

He laughed. "No, just dress, well, more than your wearing now. I don't want anyone eyeballing you."

I laughed. "Jeans and a T-shirt?"

"Perfect. I'll see you tomorrow."

I watched him walk down the street. I hope I didn't disappoint him. When I couldn't see him anymore I went inside. I ran upstairs and changed my clothes. I ran the video back to the store and crawled into bed. About 10 mintues later Nick called.

"Hi."

"Just wanted to call and say good night."

"Nick, I'm sorry about tonight."

"Sorry about what?"

"I want to be with you, if you only knew how much I want you."

"Amanda..."

"Wait, I just want to tell you that I really care about you. But I gambled in the past and lost. I've been with one person. It wasn't a very good experience. But I know your not him. And I trust you Nick. Really I do. I just don't want to be hurt."

"I love you Amanda."

"What?"

"I love you. I knew it at the After Party. You have something about you. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm addicted. I can't sleep at night without you invading my dreams. I wake up with a smile on my face because I know I'm going to see you soon."

"Nick..."

"I can wait. Please, please understand that. I can wait, as long as it takes."

"I don't want you to wait. I want you. Can you come back?"

"No, Amanda. When it's right I'll be there. I don't want to force you."

"Your not forcing me."

"Let's just get some sleep and I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay, good night Nick."

"Good Night Amanda."

Chapter 16

I met Nick on the platform at 9 am the next morning. "How'd you sleep?"

"Not good." I said.

"Me either. But today should be really exciting. I'm so glad your here."

"Me too. Please kiss me."

"Don't feel bad about last night. I told you how I felt. Don't you believe me?"

"I want to."

"Why don't you?"

"Because I spent the last year watching you. I know this is probably the longest you've ever gone."

He laughed. "You're probably right, but you mean more to me than all those girls."

The train pulled up and we got on. Nick pulled me close and kissed me again. "Are you excited about today?"

"I'm more nervous than excited. I just don't know what to expect."

"This first week or so is the most fun. I love the beginning. This is where we go through all my songs and songs that were written for me and pick. This is where I really need you."

"I'm here for you. I guess maybe it's nervous excitement. I can't wait to start."

"I'm glad you accepted the job. Brandon called me and said you signed."

"Yeah, are you glad or surprised?"

"I'm happy, why wouldn't I be?"

"It seems like an awful lot of money Nick. I make more than a lot of my friends now."

"What are we paying you?"

"You don't know?"

"No, we have people for that."

"$50,000.00." I looked at him a little nervous that he'd blow up.

"Is that good?"

"Is that good? OH my god! That's a lot Nick."

"Amanda, we make millions. I'm sure you'll earn every dollar. Now lets change the subject. What are you wearing under that coat." I laughed and kissed him. I opened my jacket and reavealed a plain white tee shirt. "Are you wearing a bra?"

"Of course I'm wearing a bra."

"Darn." He giggled and we made small talk until our stop. We finally made it down to the studio. We walked in and their were quite a few people already there. Introductions were done and we sat down with a stack of music in front of us. We listened to demo tape after demo tape. I rated the songs on a scale of 1 to 5 as to what I thought I'd like to hear Nick sing. I stayed more to the funky rock songs. I threw in a few ballads, nothing beats a good ballad especially if it's sung by one of the Carter boys. We broke for lunch around 1.

"So what do you think?"

"The music is really good. How do you decide?"

"We still have quite a few more to go through, but everyone gives input so be ready."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. Just because it's your first day, don't think I'm gonna go easy on you."

"I've been taking notes."

"I know, I've been watching you."

"You have?"

"Yeah, how come you don't look at me?"

"I promise to do better."

We sat down at a small cafe and had lunch. We talked a little but not about the songs. Nick wanted everything fresh. We walked back to the studio by way of Ground Zero. Our sign was still there, but now there were other and the flowers and flags were choking our sign.

"I can't believe this?" I said.

"You touch people Amanda. That's what I love about you. You have this caring spirit."

"I love you too Nick. I love you. I always have."

He kissed me and swung me around. "I love you."

We walked back to the studio and joined the rest of the group. We went through the rest of the songs and were told to go home. "Please, take your notes and this demo tape of snippets of the songs. Be ready tomorrow. We have got to pick some songs. Let's not fall behind schedule." With that we were all dismissed.

Chapter 17

Nick came back to my apartment with me and I warmed up the leftover curry. "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" Nick asked.

"Nothing, just eating turkey."

"You going to your parents house?"

"No, we really don't get along well."

"Why not?"

I took a deep breath and sat down next to Nick. "Remember that guy I was referring to last night?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I stood him up.. ..At the altar."

"WHAT?!"

"We were supposed to get married but he cheated on me. Not once, not twice, but three times."

"I'm so sorry."

"My family never forgave me for embarrassing them. Even though I paid back every penny they spent. They still won't talk to me."

"I didn't know."

"How could you?"

"Did you love him?"

"I agreed to marry him didn't I?"

"But your so young?"

"I was younger when he proposed."

"I'm not sure I'm the marrying type. It just scares me to death."

"Why?"

"I don't know. My parents are still married, but they had some tough times, not to mention 5 children. I guess I don't want to be overburdened. Dating is simple. You date, you get to know someone, maybe move in together. A lot less pressure."

"But don't you want more?"

"What, kids?"

"Yeah, someone to spend your life with. Little minds to shape."

"Maybe someday, but not any time soon. What do you think about that?"

"I agree with you. I can't imagine being married to anyone right now. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Me either. Is that food ready yet?"

"Oh no!" It was okay nothing burned. We ate and drank a couple of beers. He topped if off with a large slice of cake.

"I'm going to use your computer okay?"

"Sure, I'm going to rinse off. I'll be back in a minute." Nick watched me walk into the bathroom. I showered off and wrapped in a towel. I pulled my hair up into another towel and opened the door. I draped my arms around Nick's neck. "What are you doing?"

"Shopping for airline tickets."

"Where are you going?"

"We're going to Florida, for Thanksgiving."

"Nick, no, you go spend it with your family. I'll be fine."

"No, I want you to come. You smell good." Nick turned around in his chair to face me. Then he noticed I was in a robe. "Are you wearing anything under that?"

"No."

"Really?" He slipped his hand under my robe and across my stomache.

"Nick, I want you. I need you, now. Please?"

Nick was out of his chair so fast and kissing me I was taken aback. He lifted me into his arms and carried me into my bedroom. He undressed and I watched him. GOD he is so beautiful. I scooted towards the top of the bed and Nick crawled up to me. He released the tie on my robe and spread it open. He kissed my stomach. My breasts, then my neck and finally my mouth. "Are you sure?"

"Take me Nick, take me now."

Nick straddled me and entered me. I think I came right then. My nipples hardened and everything seemed so tight. I cried. Nick worked me up into another orgasm and then came himself.

I kissed his head and raked my fingers through his hair. He lifted his head off my chest and kissed me again. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and smiled. I was speechless. "It was better than I ever dreamed it would be. Pinch me Nick, pinch me so I know this is not a dream." He kissed me instead.

"I better go. We have to go into the city tomorrow."

"I don't want you to go."

"I don't want to go either. Why don't you pack a bag and come home with me?"

"Can I?"

"Of course, I want to feel you next to me all night."

"I want that too." I kissed him and jumped out of bed. I pulled on my robe and found my overnight bag. I packed a few things, got dressed and met Nick in the living room.

"I bought the tickets. So you're coming with me."

Chapter 18

We took the train down the line to Nick's stop. We walked to his apartment where we took a shower. We climbed into bed

and I slept in his arms all night. I woke up next to him. "How did I get so lucky?" I asked myself. Nick stirred and finally opened his eyes.

"Good morning beautiful."

I kissed him. "Did you sleep well?"

"Uh huh, you?"

"I've never slept better."

"What time is it?"

"7"

We have an hour. He pulled the covers over our heads and he climbed on top of me. He is very good at what he does. An hour later we were standing on the platform heading into the city. We left early to stop for breakfast. "Do you have your notes?"

"Right here," I said raising my brief case.

"You look so good right now."

"Nick, are you ever satisfied?"

"No, I could take you right here." He started backing me up against a column.

"Nick, people are watching."

"Their jealous cause your with me."

"I doubt that."

He kissed me. "Well they should be." The train pulled up and we got on. I listend to the rest of the tape and Nick napped.

We headed into the city and stopped by the cafe and ate breakfast. Then we met back upstairs and settled in for the long negotiation about what songs would be on the record.

They went around the room song by song poling each of us on what we thought. When they came to me I nixed the first song, that so far everyone wanted him to sing. "I just don't think he can hit those high notes."

"Do you think Mr. Carter's not talented enough?"

"No, I know he's talented enough. It's just that back during the Millenium tour and even while on Broadway, if he had to repeatedly hit high note after high note his voice would crack. People would laugh, and I don't want him laughed at."

"Really, and the Millenium tour was when?'

"1999"

"And we're now in 2003. Don't you think Mr. Carter's voice has improved since then?"

"I'm not saying that it hasn't. But like I said, during his run on Broadway he had the same problems. I just want him to be taken seriously. This is his life, not some hobby."

Nick smiled at me. "Okay, let's move on."

I agreed on most of the rock songs and only 3 ballads. When a sort of raunchy rock song came on I was again on the other side of the table. They all thought it was too raunchy, and I thought it was perfect. "This song shows his vocal range. This is an awesome song, if we don't record it I bet there will be a line of people waiting to record it."

"Have you done this before Miss, Miss?"

"Rinaldi. No, but when I came here I was told to be honest. If you want me to lie I'm sorry I can't do that. Mr. Carter's career is too important to me."

"Okay, well that was the last song. Let's break for lunch and I'll call Clive."

I couldn't get out of that room fast enough. Nick caught up with me at the elevator. I was fighting back tears. We got inside and I just cried. "Hey, what's wrong? I'm so proud of you for standing up for me."

"It's just more than I thought it would be."

"You did really good. Honestly I thought you were just going to agree with whatever they said. But you proved me wrong."

"Did I atleast pick good songs?"

"I'd be happy with the songs you picked. I especially liked the one no body else picked."

"Don't you have a say in what you record?"

"I get to voice my opinion, but that's it."

"I never knew. I just thought you picked and recorded what you wanted."

"Nah, if we did that we'd have so many cover bands. Rerecording everyone elses songs."

"I guess."

"Hey, don't be sad. You did great, really. I'm not disappointed."

"I guess we'll have to wait and see what everyone else thinks."

"There is only one opinion that matters and that's Clive's."

"Will he be there when we get back?"

"Yup, you nervous?"

"Yes."

"Me too." He laughed. "He still makes me nervous."

Chapter 19

We returned from lunch and Clive Davis now sat at the head of the table. We were all introduced and then Clive started the tape.

We listened to the first ballad that I nixed. "No, too many high notes. What's the next song?"

Nick looked at me and smiled. I winked at him. I wish we were sitting closer I was so nervous. The next few songs were all right in Clive's eyes. Some he nixed most he kept. The last song started playing. It was me against the rest of them. I was the only one who liked this song. "Rewind that , I want to here it again." The tape was rewound. "What do you think Nick, can you do it?"

"Yes sir, I know I can."

"I think so too. Let's do this one too. Are their anymore?"

"No sir, that was the last one."

"How many songs we got?"

"18 sir."

"Okay." He pulled out a leather bound calendar and looked at Nick. "I need you in studio tomrrow. The competions is playing up their new guy and I want to remind your fans that there isn't room enough for the both of you. I'd like to have this done in 8 weeks. You up for it?"

"Definately. I'll be in tomorrow."

"Good, now if there isn't anything else."

He got up and left. Nick and I embraced. "This is gonna be a great album. I can't wait for you to record."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being here for me."

"Always."

We headed back to Nick's apartment. "You'd better pack a bag and your passport. We got some recording to do."

"My passport?"

"Yep, we fly to Germany on Saturday. I'm recording a couple of these songs with Max."

"My passport."

"Your finally going to have that stamp in your passport."

"What should I pack?'

"Bring mostly casual clothes, but bring 2 suits. We may have to dress up for a couple of things."

"How long will we be there?"

"3 days probably. That's the norm. It may be boring though. It will be a lot of sitting around and listening to me sing."

"I could never get bored with that Nick. Never."

He kissed me. "I'm gonna pack a bag real quick. We'll go to your house and get your stuff. What are you going to do with Monkey?"

"I can call Jen. She'll take her, I hope."

We locked up Nick's apartment and headed to mine. I called Jen and she said she'd pick up Monkey later. I got her ready and put her in her carrier so that Jen wouldn't have to hunt for her. "I'm so happy for you."

"Me too. I'm off to Germany on Saturday."

"You'll get your stamp!"

"I know!"

"Don't worry about Monkey, she'll be okay."

"Thanks again Jen, I owe you one."

"Yeah I'll say. I'll take front row seats please."

"I'm sure that can be arranged."

We hung up and I kissed Nick. "Why am I packing a bag tonight if we're not leaving until Saturday?"

"We'll be staying in the city until then."

"Why?"

"The days are about to get really long."

"Hotel?"

"Yeah, do you want your own room or should we share?"

"What do you want?"

"What ever you want."

"I want to be with you."

"Settled then, one room."

We got a quick bite to eat and headed into the city. We checked into the Trump plaza. "Remember this place?" I asked.

"Why do you think I booked it?"

Chapter 20

We checked into the room with amazing views of the city. "We better get to bed. We're going to have a long day tomorrow." Nick suggested.

I had no reason to argue so I changed and climbed into bed with him. He held me close and we both fell asleep. We woke the next morning around 7:30 and Nick ordered room service. I got dressed and pulled my hair up. We ate and headed to the studio.

The first song was the raunchy one. "I love this song, it's just so you."

"You think I'm raunchy?"

"You can be."

"Thanks a lot."

"It's a good thing."

"Sure it is."

Nick walked into the sound booth and winked at me. The music started and Nick just got into it. He had to do a few retakes but he knocked the song out in a few hours. He got through another 3 songs by the end of the day. We ended back at the hotel around 10pm. Nick got into the shower and stood there for a long time. "I never realized how stressful recording could be."

"It takes a lot out of me. Sometimes I get moody. Not violent or anything. But I just want my space. Please, don't take it personally."

"I promise I won't."

I left the bathroom and called down to the front desk. "Can you send up some lotion?"

"Lotion?"

"Yah, something for the skin."

"Sure thing. We'll be right up."

Nick walked out of the bathroom in just his pajama bottoms. "Take those off."

"Amanda? I'm shocked."

"Shaddup, take them off leave your underwear on."

"Well that doesn't sound like much fun."

"I have a surprise for you."

"Really, what?"

"You'll see, just do as your told." Nick untied his pajama bottoms and they fell to the floor. I couldn't help but laugh. "Lay down on the bed I'll be right back."

I waited by the door and when the conceirge knocked I about jumped out of my skin. I opened the door. "Thank you very much." I place a 5 dollar bill in his and and he thanked me.

I went back to the bedroom where Nick was flipping through the channels on the TV. "Turn that off I'm ready for you now."

"What's that?"

"Lotion. I'm going to give you a massage."

"Oh yeah?"

"Roll over." He did. I pumped some of the cold lotion into my hands and worked it between my palms. I then began to work on Nick.

"Oh, that feels so good."

"Shhh, just lay there."

I massaged him from his shoulders to his toes. By the time I was done he was asleep. I put the lotion away and climbed in next to him.

The next morning he woke before me. I felt his hands move under my shirt and cup my breasts. He rolled me over to face him. He lifted my shirt over my head and began to please me. "I could get used to this." I said.

"Me too." We both came to a climax, showered and headed back to the studio.

"Sorry Nick, Clive wants you to redo one."

"Why? Which one?"

"The raunchy one, he said it isn't raunchy enough." I just laughed.

"C'mon Nick, get down and dirty with me." I laughed.

He smiled. "I have an idea."

"What?"

"Just a minute." Nick went into the booth and moved some things around. He came out and got me. "Follow me."

"What are you up to?"

He pulled me into the sound booth and told the contol man to queue it up. The music started and Nick was all over me. I tell you it made me hot just having him sing so close to me. He'd slide his hand down my arm. Swat my ass, and kiss me during the break. His voice got kind of freaky and nasty. When it was done I kissed him. "I'd buy that album just for that song."

He laughed. "If Clive doesn't like that, then I don't know music." The rest of the day went really well. Nick stepped out to make a call and the control guy asked me how long Nick and I'd been going out.

"A few weeks, why?"

"He's on the money. We don't normally turn them out this quick. You bring out the best in him."

"He's so talented."

"I'm not saying he isn't but that song he sang with you in there..., there is no way Clive will deny him."

I laughed. "He made me hot!"

"Me too, and I don't like men." We both laughed. Nick walked in.

"What I miss?"

"We were talking about the raunchy song."

"What about it?"

"Just that it's so good, you got Jay all hot and bothered too."

Nick looked at him funny. "It's not what you think," Jay said.

"God, I hope not!" We laughed again. "You ready babe?"

"I'm ready." We said good night to Jay and went to the hotel.

Chapter 21

We got back to the hotel room and Nick started to undress me the minute we walked in the door. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry for falling asleep on you last night. You just made me relax, so now it's my turn." He ushered me into the bathroom where the tub was surrounded by candles and over flowing with bubbles.

"Nick! When did you do this?"

"Remember that 'important' call I had to make?"

"Yes."

"That was to the Conceirge. I had them set this all up for us." There was a knock on the door. "I'll be right back. I climbed into the tub. It looked so inviting. Nick came in shortly after pushing a small service cart.

"What's that?"

"Wait." Nick quickly removed his clothes and uncoverd a platter of strawberries and cream. And a huge tin of chocolate.

"Oh Nick! Nick?"

"What's wrong?" He looked dumbfounded.

"Nothing, it's just so romantic."

He pulled me to him. "I love you. I'd do anything for you." We kissed. "Sit back. Let me feed you."

I laughed. "You don't have to..." He pushed a strawberry into my mouth. I just started laughing. I grabbed one and pushed it in his face. He grabbed the spoon from the chocolate. "Nick, no, don't do it!"

He smeared chocolate all over my chest. "Oh look, I've made a mess." He bent down and licked the chocolate off my chest. I spread my legs and allowed him to enter me. The water was overflowing from the tub. But we didn't care. I'd never done it in a bubble bath before. We climaxed and Nick dunked me.

"What was that for?"

"So you'd know it was real."

He ran from the tub and I chased after him. The candles had long been doused. We made love in the bed again and then fell asleep.

We went back into the studio one last time here in New York. We had to meet with Clive. "Nick, I love what your doing. 'The Raunchy' song as it's been called is spectacular. There is nothing like it on the market today. I think we're going to make a lot of money!"

We both smiled. I have an itinarary for you. I know I'm spreading you thin, but it's only three days in Germany."

"I understand Clive. I'm up for it, we're up for it."

"Good, the jet will be ready at 8. Have a good trip."

We walked out of his office and down to the recording studio. "Jet?" I said.

"We aren't going commercial."

"We're not?"

"We've got Clives jet."

"OH my god! A private jet?"

Nick just laughed. He led me down the corridor and eventually to the elevator. We got in. "Did you enjoy last night?"

"I did, did you?"

"Of course. Did I let you get enough sleep?"

"No, but you don't hear me complaining do you?"

He kissed me and the doors opened. Again he led me through the hallways and down to the studio. "Nicky Boy! I hear the word is good!"

"Clive loves it. He filled my plate in Germany though."

"You'll get through it."

"Whatcha got for me?"

"Nothing dude, it's a wrap here."

"Really?"

"The tracks are laid man. We just need the stuff from Max and then you have that Los Angeles stuff."

"Los Angeles?" I asked.

"It's here. Clive just gave it to me." Nick handed me the slip of paper.

"Los Angeles. Hollywood, Beverly Hills. The Pacific Ocean?!"

Nick laughed. "She doesn't get out much."

"I can tell."

"Hey! I'm just a small town girl swallowed up by Nick Carter." They both laughed. "I mean, your world!"

Nick kissed me. "Well if we're done, we're gonna bounce. Thanks man." Nick and Jay did some slapping of the hands thing. I just shook his hand and thanked him.

"We're done?"

"Yep, we got all day, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know!"

"Let's go to Central Park."

"Nick it's cold."

"I'll take care of everything."

We ran through the streets of New York. We stopped at a little stand and bought hot chocolate. Then Nick hired a horse and carriage. "Take us through the park."

"Yes sir," the driver said and Nick and I bundled up in the carriage sipping hot chocolate and cuddling close.

"Have you done this before?" He asked.

"No, the blanket stinks, but other than that I love it!"

Nick laughed. "I was thinking, wanna go dancing tonight?"

"We gotta get up early tomorrow."

"I know, but Germany isn't gonna yield us a lot of time together. I want you in my arms on the dance floor."

"Okay Nick."

"Besides, we can sleep on the air plane."

Chapter 22

Nick and I headed back to Trump Tower and packed and got dressed for a night of drinking and dancing. We headed downtown where the party had already started. The first bar we came to we ran into Randy from the play.

"Hey you guys! Come over here." Nick and I joined his table. After a few hugs and handshakes we started catching up.

"You guys are a couple now?"

"Yes we are." Nick said.

"That's amazing. After all the woman you bedded over the year you ended up with Amanda."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked a little upset.

"Whoa! I'm just saying. He was lonely, you were lonely. For a year, you sat under his nose. It took the After Party for him to find you. You guys could have been married now, popped out a kid and everything."

Nick and I looked at each other. "It was nice to see you Randy, we gotta go."

"What'd I say?"

"Nothing, we're going to Germany in the morning and we don't have a lot of time." I half apologized.

"Germany huh? You're finally gonna get that stamp in your passport huh?"

I smiled and nodded. Nick pulled me up from the table and we hit the dance floor. "Everyone knows about your passport." He said a little testily.

"I hung out with these people for a year Nick, don't let it get to you."

He pulled me to him and we danced. Nick ordered some drinks and he started knocking them back like an alcoholic who busted out of detox.

"Nick, your drinking to much. We gotta make a plane in the morning. Maybe we should go."

"No, I'm not done yet. If your tired go back to the hotel."

"Baby, come with me."

"I think I'd rather be alone right now."

I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I guess Nick thought I left because when I came out he was kissing on some girl. I walked right up to him and waited for him to see me. He finally did. I turned and left. He didn't follow me. I packed my bag and left his laptop, cell phone, and palm pilot and went home.

Some time later Nick returned to the room to find me gone. He was too drunk to realize it though. He fell on the bed and passed out. The next morning Nick woke up to a ringing phone. I had left a wake up call with the front desk before our fight. Nick reached over to wake me, that's when his world came crashing down.

"Amanda! Amanda!" He got up and searched the room. He noticed my bag gone. He called Clive bumped back the departure.

"Is everything all right Nick?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. I went out last night, irresponsible. I have no excuse. I'm just running late. It won't happen again."

"Okay, make sure it doesn't. I have a lot riding on this."

"I understand. Thank you."

Then my phone rang. I wouldn't answer it. I was devastated. My machine picked up. "Amanda? Are you there? I'm sorry! Please pick up the phone."

I put a pillow over my head and cried. Nick had to get on the plane, there was no time for him to come for me. He flew to Germany where his sessions were not going well. "Nick, what's wrong?" Max asked.

"I can't do it without her." Nick finally broke down and cried. "Max, I screwed up. I really screwed up."

"You didn't go and get a girl pregnant now did you?"

"NO, nothing like that. I just got jealous. I ... it's so stupid really. I'm sorry. Do we have anything here?"

"I'm afraid not. Let's go back to that ballad. Think of...? What's your girlfriends name?"

"Amanda."

"Think of Amanda. Sing from your heart not your head Nick."

Max reworked the lyrics some and then Nick got back in the booth and Max queued up the music.

"There's not winners, there's no losing, all we got is what we are, yeah one mistake and, I gotcha you breaking, this time I think I've gone too far, Mandy, tell me why we don't speak, open your heart to me, love me tonight.

Don't walk away, Mandy You gotta hear me say, I'm sorry, You know I'm not afraid, to say that's it fate, don't walk away, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Why's it hard to, get inside you, is it to late to make a start, yeah you know I need you, because I breathe you, and with every breath I fall apart, uh huh And Mandy tell me what's left of me, if you're not right next to me, Mandy I'd die.

Don't walk away, Mandy you gotta hear me say, I'm sorry, you know I'm not afraid, to say that its fate, Don't walk away, I'm sorry, Ohh

There's no reason to cry, when you drowning youself in your tears tonight, part of me dies, and you know it's not all right, yeah! You know it's not all right.

Don't walk away, Mandy and you got hear me say, I'm sorry, you know I'm not afraid, to say that its fate, Don't walk away, Mandy you gotta hear me say, I'm sorry, You know I'm not afraid, to say that its fate, don't walk away, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Nick, that's it. That's it!" Nick just sat down and cried. "Have you tried to call her?"

"Everyday. She won't talk to me."

"You better go to her, otherwise your done."

"I have to finish."

"You'll come back."

"Clive will have my head."

"I'll cover. Go get her."

"Thanks man, I owe you."

Chapter 23

Nick caught the first flight out of Germany to New York. He actually took a taxi out to my apartment. I was just getting in from the store when he ran up to me. "Amanda, we have to talk."

I was shocked to see him. He was supposed to be in Germany. "Nick, your supposed to be in Germany!"

"I know, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Amanda. I can't..."

"Nick, you'd better go."

"Come with me."

"No, I can't Nick."

I went inside and Nick followed. "I made a mistake. I'm sorry, it'll never happen again I swear! Please, just talk to me."

I pushed the button and got in the elevator. If there was anything to say it certainly wasn't going to be said in the lobby of my apartment building. I opened the door to my apartment and told Nick he had 5 minutes.

"I was jealous. I warned you I get moody when I'm recording. I didn't mean it."

"4 minutes left."

"Amanda, please. I love you. I love you more than life itself."

"If you did, you wouldn't have kissed that girl."

"What? What girl."

"I saw you, and you saw me. Don't lie to me."

"Amanda, I don't remember. I kissed someone?"

"Yep. I'm sorry I can't have another cheater in my life. I told you Nick." I broke down and cried.

"Amanda, please." He tried to hold me.

"No, your time is up. Please leave."

"Amanda, I'm dying inside. Please?"

"Nick, no."

Nick placed a CD on my table. "I have two tickets for the 10pm back to Germany. Lhufthansa flight 430. I have to go back. I want you with me. I need you with me. Listen to this, if it doesn't change your mind I'll know that it's really over."

I held the door open for him and slammed it behind him. I picked up the CD and threw it in the trash. "How dare he come in here with his lies." I wanted to scream! But I didn't. I picked up my magazine and tried to read it. I couldn't. I got the CD out of the trash and popped it in my CD player. His voice alone made me cry. But the words. The words were so mournful. I knew he loved me. When the song was over I heard him speak.

"Don't turn it off yet. Hey, baby. I love you. I know I treated you badly. To be honest I really don't know what I did. I drank too much that night. I woke up and you were gone. There has been no happiness in my life since that day. I need you. Please call me. I love you so much I'm dying. You are my everything. I don't think I can do this without you. Baby, please. Come back to me. I'll do whatever it takes. I just miss you so much. I'm sorry. Really, I've never lied to you before, and I'm not gonna start now. I don't know what I did or what I said, but from my very soul, I'm sorry."

The CD went silent. I just cried. I packed a bag and headed to the airport. It was already 7:30. I had to hurry. I got on the 6 into the city and switched over to the bus. 8:30. I arrived at JFK at 9:00. I made my way through checkin and got stopped a the security check point. By the time they had cleared me it was 9:35. I ran to the gate just as the agent shut door.

"Wait! Please wait!"

"Ms. Rinaldi?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. Traffic and security. Please, I have to get on that flight. My whole life depends on it."

"It's okay, let me see your ticket and passport." I did as I was told. "Okay, have a nice trip."

"Thank you." I got on the jetway and ran down just as the other agent was closing the door.

"Wait, please wait." I showed her my ticket and she pulled the door back enough for me to squeeze on board. "Thank you!"

The flight attendant directed me to my seat in Business class. I entered by way of the coach door so Nick didn't see me coming. I stood there and looked at him. Tears falling from his eyes. His eyes were closed and he was leaning up against the window.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked him. He tried to stand but he was buckled in. I laughed through my tears and took my seat.

"You came?"

"I couldn't not come."

"I love you Amanda, I'm going to change."

"I know. Don't cry." I wiped away at his tears. Then he kissed me.

"I missed you so much."

"Shhhh, I'm here. It's over. Let's just sleep, okay?"

"I want to hold you so badly."

"I know. Just hold my hand. And know that I forgive you."

He began to weep again. "Amanda, I swear I didn't know I kissed someone."

"I believe you, but please everytime you say it I see it again. Just let it go."

"I'm sorry."

I sat back and closed my eyes. I felt the airplane slip into the sky.

Chapter 24

We landed in Germany late morning. We flew through customs and I finally got my stamp. But I wasn't excited. I love Nick, but I just can't help but feel betrayed. We hopped in the limousine and headed for Nick's hotel. We arrived at the hotel and Nick headed for the elevator. "Wait. I need a room."

"You don't want to stay with me?"

"I just want to be alone for a while."

"You were alone for 3 days!"

"I'm sorry. I just don't..."

He pulled me aside, "If you don't want to be intimate with me right now, I completely understand. Just don't walk away from this. Not yet."

"I don't want to be intimate with you right now. I have some serious doubts about us right now and I don't want to cloud my judgment."

"You have doubts?"

"Let's go to the room, I don't want to talk here."

Nick pushed the button and we waited in silence for the elevator. The doors opened and I stepped in. Nick pushed the button for the 14th floor and again we rode up in silence. Once inside the room Nick wanted to know what doubts I had.

"It scares me that you don't remember kissing that woman. I can't help but wonder if you did anything else with this woman that you can't remember."

"Amanda, I couldn't have."

"But you don't even remember kissing her."

"You were there, please help me remember!"

"You had just made some nasty comment about everyone knowing about my passport. It was like because they knew you thought something had happened other than just through conversation. Your words hurt but I didn't want to become upset in front of you so I excused myself and went to the ladies room. When I came back I didn't see you right away. Then I saw you kissing some girl. I stood less than 10 feet in front of you. You looked right at me."

"I don't remember. Honest, I don't."

"You were drinking so much Nick. I'm not saying you have a problem, but you need to slow down before something worse happens."

"I'll quit, I'll never take another drink again, I swear it. Amanda, you are the air I breathe. I love you. Do you know how hard that is for me to say?"

"I'm sorry if I'm so unlovable right now."

"No, Amanda it's not that. It's just we all have our skeletons. It is so hard for me to communicate my feelings. But whenever I feel I've found someone really special I can't stop telling them I love them. I get hurt everytime because my feelings aren't returned."

"Nick, you know my love for you is real. I'd never cheat on you."

"Amanda, I cheated. I'm sorry. I didn't know I did. I know that sounds so lame but, we have shared so much. I don't want to lose you. Please baby, please you said you forgave me."

"I do forgive you, it's just a little hard to forget."

Nick pulled me to him and kissed me. His tongue sensuously probing every inch of my mouth. He was holding me so tight. I couldn't fight him even if I wanted to. "Nick?" He just kept kissing me. When he pulled back he was crying. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have anything to apologize for. Amanda, I want you. I need to feel you next to me. Let me make love to you."

"Don't you have somewhere you need to be?"

Nick looked at his watch. "Damn it! I have to go. Will you come with me?"

"I'm just going to go get some sleep." he looked worried. "I'll be here when you get back. Just go to work."

I took a hot shower and climbed into bed. I must have slept the whole day because when I woke up Nick was asleep beside me. I glanced at my watch and noticed it was 4 am. Nick stirred and I cuddled in closer and fell back to sleep. I next awoke at 7 am to the sound of Nick's wake up call. He hung up the phone and turned to me. "Hi."

"Hi."

"You were tired."

"I haven't been sleeping well."

"Me either."

"What are we doing today?"

"I gotta finish the tracks. Are you coming with me?"

"Yes, I want to be with you. I've missed you."

He pulled me closer. "I've missed you too."

Nick rolled over and stared into my eyes. "I want you."

I smiled. "You do?"

Now he smiled. He untied the sash on my robe and spread it apart. He kissed my stomach and my breasts. He found my mouth and made me weak.

"Nick, hurry, please." With that he entered me. I was so lost in him. He just made everything stop. Time stands still, I can't breathe or think. He just takes over me.

"Amanda, I know I can never take away the pain of what I did. But I will do everything I have to to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"I hope so Nick, because whether you remember or not, next time I won't come back. I can't keep living this way." I turned from him but he brought me right back.

"I'm dying inside to see you like this. I'm so sorry."

"I know. Just hold me Nick. When do we have to leave?"

"10 minutes ago."

I laughed. "Are we in trouble?"

"No, let me call Max."

Nick got out of bed and called Max at his home. "I'm glad I caught you before you left. I'm running a little behind. I'll be about 30 minutes late. Is that okay?"

"Is Amanda there?"

"Yes, she's here."

"Okay then, is 30 minutes enough time Nicky boy?"

Nick laughed. "Yes, 30 minutes is enough."

"Okay, then see you in 1/2 an hour. But you bring breakfast."

"Okay, I will. Thank you again Max, for everything."

Nick hung up and slipped under the covers again. He ran his hand over my naked body. "Nick we gotta go."

"I know. I just want to make sure your really here."

I turned to him and kissed him. "Why does love have to hurt sometimes? That's what I want to know."

We got up showered, dressed, picked up some bagels and doughnuts at a local bakery and headed to the studio.

Chapter 25

"So this is the infamous Amanda," Max kidded.

"Infamous?"

Nick kissed me. "I've not been doing well since I've been here."

"Your CD sounded awesome."

"That's because it was about you. I'm passionate when it comes to you."

"Nicky boy here, was a weeping fool. I was embarrassed for him."

"Max, thank you so much for embarrassing me now. Don't we have work to do?"

"Don't be so sarcastic Nicky boy, I'm just being honest. If you want I can queue up the tracks."

"No, that won't be necessary." We all laughed.

Nick went into the booth and laid out those songs. He was happy again. It was nice seeing the playful side of Nick again. He was dancing up a storm in there. He was passionate, he was on. Nick was back.

While Nick was in singing Max and I had a little conversation. "Nick is a good person Amanda. He's been heart sick ever since you left. You guys better now?"

"I think so."

"You think so?"

"I just have to learn to trust him again."

"Trust, what'd he do?"

"He kissed another woman right in front of me. It wasn't just a kiss, it was a kiss!"

"He didn't mention that."

"He claims he doesn't remember."

"Do you believe him?"

"I guess."

"One thing I can tell you for sure, Nick is an honest man. He gives 100% or nothing at all."

"I'm learning that."

"I'm not trying to influence you, but, he's a great guy. He really is. He used to bring girls here but he isn't like he is today. Nick always needs someone around him. It's like he feeds off other people. You know what I mean?" I just nodded my head even though I wasn't exactly sure. "He loves you Amanda. Did you listen to your song?"

"Yes, it's awesome."

"We worked on that song for hours and hours and he couldn't deliver. I switched all the baby's, to Mandy's and he hit it on the first take. I know your name is Amanda, but it wouldn't work." He sang a little of the chorus with Amanda, then Mandy. "It's your song now. Mandy's song."

I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Nick was just finishing up. He looked through the window and smiled at me. I blew him a kiss. He acted like the kiss blew him over and he fell to the ground. He got up and started dancing.

I haven't seen the real Nick until you got here." Max said.

"This is the real Nick?"

"Oh yeah, a goofy kid that loves to make people happy."

"Yeah, I guess that is the real Nick."

Nick finished the rest of the tracks and thanked Max for being so accommodating. "I owe you."

"You keep saying that. Hmmm, what do I want? Maybe an invite to the wedding someday? OH I know, name your first born after me." We both laughed nervously. "I'm kidding, don't you guys have some making up to do?"

We said our good-byes and Nick and I left. "You wanna go back to the hotel?"

"No, I'm here in Germany. Let's go see Germany."

"Okay!" Nick and I walked around all of Germany. We bought a few things to take back. We passed this famous brewery outside Frankfurt.

"Do you want to go in?"

"No, I'm okay."

I smiled and Nick and I went back to our hotel. I made love to him like it was my last day with him. I don't know why but I just needed him. We ordered up room service and turned in.

The next day we went back to Max's. He was on the phone with Clive. He motioned to us to be quiet and have a seat. "Yes Clive, I know. But I had problems with the equipment. No, we actually finished early considering the technical difficulties. No, you should have the disc any minute now. He knocked them out! Their perfect and you know it. Okay, Clive. I'll be here for your call, good bye now."

"He's pissed huh?"

"He's not happy that we took an extra day, but I think I convinced him that is was me and not you."

"Thank you. So you've sent the disc already?"

"Yes, Nick it's perfect. Clive said your first tracks were outstanding too. This is gonna be a great album."

"I hope so."

"So, how are you guys this morning?"

I smiled and Nick said, "we're better than ever."

"I'm glad to hear that. Nick I love you like a son, but this woman here, she just brings the best out of you. You better watch your step son."

"I know. I can't imagine her not in my life."

"Guys! I'm right here!" Nick kissed me.

"Are we done?" I asked. They laughed.

"Yes, you are done. For now anyway. You have to go to LA still. Happy Thanksgiving you guys, see ya later Nick."

We headed back to the hotel to pick up our things and check out. We got dropped off at the airport in Germany and waited to be processed. "I'm sorry your first trip over seas wasn't under better circumstances."

"Nick, it was fun."

"It could have been better."

We went through the precustoms check and boarded Clive's jet back to New York.

Nick and I took a towncar back to my apartment. I went inside called Jen. "We're home, I'll be by to pick Monkey up later."

"Amanda, I don't know how to tell you this."

"What?"

"I tried calling your cell phone but you never answered. I found Monkey dead yesterday morning. She's at the vet their trying to find out why."

"Noooo, not monkey."

"I'm so sorry Amanda. She was just curled up in a little ball like she was sleeping. I went to pick her up and she was so stiff."

"Which vet?" She gave me the name and address of the vet and she apologized. "Jen, she was 13 years old. My oldest friend."

"I'm sorry."

I hung up and hugged Nick. "What happened to Monkey?"

"She died, and I wasn't here."

"I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry."

I called the vet and they were just finishing up the autopsy but still had to wait a few days on lab tests. "My preliminary findings are she died of natural causes. There are no toxins in her system that shouldn't be. She wasn't harmed in anyway. She passed how I hope I will pass, in her sleep. She was healthy otherwise, it's obvious you loved her very much."

"I did, thank you for everything. When can I come get her?"

"Give me a few hours."

Chapter 26

Nick hugged me. "I'm so sorry. What did the Vet say?" I recapped the whole story and told Nick we had to go get her. "What are you going to do with her?"

"I want to have her cremated. She's been a part of my life for 13 years."

"Can I help?"

"I'd love it if you would be there with me."

"Of course I will."

Later that afternoon we took Monkey to the crematorium. I'd pick her up the next day. Nick and I went back to my house where we went to bed. The next morning I was still in a funk over losing Monkey. I saw her everywhere. Her little toys and pictures of her on my fridge. I pulled one down and Nick wrapped his arms around my waist. "Hi."

"Hi," I said wiping away tears. "She was just a cat I don't know why I'm..."

"No she wasn't. Don't feel bad for missing her." I turned to him and hugged him.

"I'm so glad your here right now."

"Me too."

Later that day we picked up Monkey. Nick bought a silver vase for her ashes. He had it inscribed with her name. "It's beautiful Nick, thank you."

We walked back to my apartment where I placed Monkey in her favorite spot. "She liked looking off the top of my book case."

Over the next few weeks Nick and I spent more and more time together. We flew down to the Keys and drove over to Marathon. I met his family for real this time. They weren't anything like the people I thought they were. Nick and Aaron took me out on their boat, but I was a nervous wreck. "What if we sink?"

"We won't sink." They both joked.

Aaron was the worse of the two. "Nick what was that?"

"What?!" I'd practically scream. Aaron would just laugh. He'd do it over and over.

"If I could walk on water I'd be out of here right now." I was really scared. The sea was rough. I thought I might get sick. Finally Nick came around and took the boat back in. I was never so happy to be on dry land. "You're gonna have to get used to boating. It's where I spend all of my time."

"Maybe when the seas are calmer."

He laughed. He grabbed my hand and we walked back to his bungalo. Today is Thanksgiving and I was going to eat with his family. I was so nervous. "Why are you nervous, their just my family?"

"Just your family. What am I thinking?" I said throwing my hands in the air.

"They love you. You should feel comfortable."

"I haven't been around my own family in 3 years. Now I'm around yours? You have a famous family. I think I'm going to be sick." I sat down. Nick pulled me to him.

"I know what will relax you."

"Nick, I can't right now."

"No, not that. But you know, we do have time..."

"Stop!"

"I mean, take a warm bath. You love your baths. We have time for that."

I smiled. "Do we?"

"We? You want me?"

"Of course I do."

Nick got up and ran the tub. I pulled my hair up and undressed. I went into the bathroom and slipped into the tub. Nick joined me a few minutes later. He climbed in behind me and pulled me close to him. He was quiet. I was nervous. He began to kiss my neck and shoulders. "You know, I'm going to be leaving New York soon."

"I know, I was just thinking about that."

"We gotta go to Los Angeles to record the last of the tracks."

"Yeah, I know."

"I was thinking that soon after that Clive's gonna want a music video and then a tour."

"That's logical isn't it?"

"Yes. I know your under a lot of pressure being here with my family, but I think we should, I mean if you want to, I think we should move in together."

"Move in together?"

"You won't have to give up your apartment. I love your apartment. But, we'll be in LA for a couple of months I'm guessing. Then the tour will take us everywhere."

"Give up my apartment?"

"No, we'll need a place in New York. We can keep it. That is if you want to?"

"I understand what your saying. I just have a headache. Can we talk about this later?"

"I have some Tylenol, do you need some?"

"No, I'm fine. It's just stress."

Nick began to splash water on me as I was getting cold. "We better get out. They'll be expecting us soon." We got out of the tub and dressed. I reapplied some make up an brushed out my hair. Nick came up behind me. He grabbed my hand and we walked up to his parent's house. It was so noisy. There was a football game on and all the guys were watching. Nick kissed my hand, "You gonna be all right?"

I nodded and headed for the kitchen. "Hi Amanda," Jane said. "Nick here too?"

I felt like saying, DUH! but I just said, "He's watching the game."

"Well don't be shy, come on in." I sat at the bar with her and Angel. Angel was peeling potatoes and Jane was basting the turkey.

"Can I help?"

"You can do the potatoes," Angel said. Pushing them towards me.

"She will not," Jane said. "We've got it under control."

"I'm nervous, I need to do something. Pass me some potatoes, I'll help you." Angel smiled and we sat closer.

"So, you worked with Nick on the play?"

"Yes, I was a production assistant. It was my first play."

"I think I remember you."

"You do?"

"Yeah, we came a couple times."

"I remember. Opening night, July 14th, and October 21st."

Jane looked at me funny. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

"I have this thing about dates. I don't know where it comes from but it's there."

"Good, maybe Nick will be on time once in a while." We laughed.

Nick passed through the kitchen to check on me. "Mom, how much longer?"

"About an hour."

"An hour!?"

He kissed me on the cheek. "There are snacks in the fridge, help yourself."

Nick made his way to the refrigerator and grabbed a handful of something. Then he went back to the game. "So did you and Nick date during the play?"

The question I dreaded. "No."

"Really?"

"We met at the After Party."

"Things are going well?"

"They are. We're done. Here are the potatoes. I think I'm going to go for a walk."

"Do you want me to get Nick?" Angel asked.

"No, let him enjoy his game. I'll be back in a few minutes." I grabbed my coat and exited from the kitchen door. I walked back around the front of the house and down to the dock. I was there about 10 minutes when Nick came to me.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Just getting some air." He sat down next to me.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Everything. I've got so much on my mind."

"Like what?"

"You, your family, the move, the traveling. It's just all so overwhelming."

"It's really not that bad. All of it you know."

"I know. I like your family. They are very sweet."

"But?"

"But, your mom asks so many questions. I don't like answering them when your not around."

"So don't answer them. My mom is way too nosey. That's why she doesn't manage me anymore."

Chapter 27

"But she's still your mom."

"What was she asking you about?"

"How we met, where we met. If things were good between us. Don't you tell your family anything?"

He laughed. "Yes, they know all that. I guess they were just making small talk."

"Oh."

"We better go back. Otherwise we'll get stuck with the Turkey wings." He held out his hand and I grabbed it. He pulled me up and then he kissed me. "I love you Amanda, that's all that should matter right now."

"I know. I feel better now if that helps."

"It does." Nick gave me a piggy back ride back to his parents house. I hadn't realized how cold it was until we walked in the house. It was so warm and smelled so good.

We gathered around the dinning room table and began to eat. The food was so good. There was a lot of talk and a lot of laughter. I was being told of Nick's escapades as a child. Some things I found out were true, others weren't. Nick had his hand on my thigh and whenever I laughed he'd squeeze it. "Not fair, you're learning too much about me."

"Where are your parents Amanda?"

"New York."

"They must be disappointed that your not there."

"Mom, please."

"What?"

"She's here because I want her here."

"Don't argue because of me. My parents and I haven't spoken in 3 years."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Jane said.

It got quiet all of a sudden. I dropped my fork and went to stand but Nick pulled me down. "Look, Amanda and her parents had a falling out. Her fiance cheated on her and she left him at the altar. I would have done the same thing."

"Your fiance?"

"Her ex cheated on her, and so did I. So she's a little sensitive right now."

They all gasped and Nick looked at me. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. He wiped them away. "You didn't have to do that."

"I don't want any secrets."

"But they didn't have to know."

"Nick, you cheated on Amanda?"

"Yes. But I don't remember it. I kissed someone and it was the worst 3 days of my life."

"When did this happen?" Jane asked.

"It's not important." I told Nick. "It's over. I don't want to rehash it again. Especially in front of your family."

Now no one was eating. They all just stared and Nick and I. "You were engaged?" Jane asked.

"Mom..."

"It's all right Nick. Yes, 3 years ago. He cheated on me three times. So I left him."

"At the altar."

"Yes, at the altar."

"Whoa!" Aaron said.

"And you parents won't talk to you now?"

"No, I embarrassed them by running out. I've paid back every cent but they felt like I had committed to marriage and should have followed through with it."

"What the hell?" Jane said surprising everyone. "He cheated on you three times and you should have stayed committed? They're crazy, I'm sorry I don't mean that. Yes, I do. Why would they want their own flesh and blood treated that way?"

"He came from money. We had none so I guess they thought things would be easier some how."

Now everyone looked at Nick. "We haven't talked to her parents. They don't know about us."

"I'm sorry if I ruined your Thanksgiving." I turned to Nick. "I told you I should have stayed home."

"You didn't ruin anything. We all want you here." Everyone nodded. "We're a team now, I go where you go, and you go where I go."

Jane started wiping away tears. "He loves you."

"I know."

"Kiss her Nick."

We laughed and Nick did what his mother told him.

We flew back to New York the Saturday after Thanksgiving. "Amanda we need to talk."

"About what?"

"I'm out of my apartment on the 1st. Are you coming to LA with me?"

"Yes, where you go I go."

Nick smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen. "Have you packed?"

"Some things. But I just don't know what to take and what not to."

He pulled out his palm pilot and said. "We leave on 12/5 for LA, but we have to come back on the 12th for a meeting with Clive. Why don't we take what you've packed and then if you find you need something we'll be back on the 12th."

"You have it all mapped out don't you?"

"What?"

"Our life together."

"I do. You're going to love Los Angeles."

"If you love it, I will too."

Nick sent my stuff ahead of us so we wouldn't be weighed down when we arrived in Los Angeles. Jen and some friends threw us a party. Nick didn't drink a drop of alcohol. He was really trying. So that he wouldn't feel bad I didn't drink either. At the end of the night Nick and I stayed at a hotel by the airport. We were flying out the next morning. "Do you have any regrets?" I asked.

"No, well just the one, Why, do you?"

"No. I'm just wondering where I'd be if I didn't attend that After Party."

"Why wouldn't you go?"

"I didn't really know anyone really well. If you weren't part of the production I probably wouldn't have gone."

"I'm glad you did."

"Me too."

Chapter 28

We landed in Los Angeles the next afternoon. The sky was so blue and it was about 80 degrees. "We have arrived!" Nick said.

I laughed. A limousine driver was waiting for us. My name was on his clip board. "Why is my name on that?"

"Can you imagine if Nick Carter was up there?"

I laughed. "Your fans hang out in baggage claims?"

"You'd be surprised at where they hang out."

We got our suitcases and followed the limousine driver out to the car. Nick had a home in Malibu. Right on the cliffs. I was anxious to see the view. I have no idea how these girls knew Nick was in town but there was a crowd outside the gated community that Nick lived in.

"Thank god it's a gated community." I said.

Nick laughed. "Some of them get in, so be prepared."

The limousine drove through the community and stopped in front of the last house that backed up to the ocean. Nick got out and then helped me. He ran up and opened the door and then came back for me and our bags. The driver left and Nick and I went inside.

"Nick, this is so beautiful."

"It's too bad I'm not here that much. I love this house."

"It's so big!"

"Come here." He led me out back onto his patio. He had a pool, jacuzzi, gazebo, and a little walk way down to a fence. "Follow me." He grabbed my hand and we walked down. I slowed as I could hear the ocean below. "Don't be afraid, I got you."

I stepped closer and looked over. "We're so high up."

"There is a walk way. Look."

"No, I beleive you."

He laughed. "C'mon, I won't let anything happen to you."

I finally stood right next to him. "This is nice."

"I love it here! It's my favorite place in the world."

"You know, I haven't seen the house."

"It's not going anywhere." Nick embraced me and held me close. I could hear his heart beat. After a few minutes I was calmer. I pulled back from Nick and my necklace snapped. The necklace slid over the fence.

"Nick, my necklace!"

"I see it. I can get it."

Nick hopped over the fence and started to climb down. "No, come back. Don't please Nick, come back." Nick got my necklace and climbed back over the fence. "Don't ever do that again!"

"I got it, the chain broke."

"Nick you could have fallen."

"But I didn't." I turned and walked back towards the house. "Amanda?"

"You scared the hell out of me."

"Hell? You cussed." He said wrinkling up his nose. Then he laughed, "Hell."

I had to laugh too. "You scared me."

"I had to get your necklace back."

"It's just a necklace Nick, you're more important to me than that necklace."

"But it's token of my love."

"I'd rather have you."

"I'm sorry if I scared you."

"Can we go inside now?"

Nick took me inside and showed me around his house. It was very nice. I loved the bedroom. Nick had a huge King sized bed. When you sat on the bed you could see out a big picture window. All you could see was the blue sky.

The next couple of years were really good to Nick. His album did really well and he was in high demand. He got that movie career he wanted and now was considered on of Hollywood's leading men in comedy. He's trying to break into a more dramatic role, but the directors are too afraid. Not to mention Nick's agent.

"It could damage your career Nick. People see you as this funny person. I'm not saying they couldn't or wouldn't take you seriously, but your their feel good guy!"

"But there is just so much more I can give."

"I know that. I'll look into some independant films for you, okay?"

"Thanks David, I really appreciate."

Nick has been on tours, he had released not one, but two records in the 3 years that we've been together. My passport was jam packed full of stamps. Nick was really good to me. He didn't drink, he never cheated again. But although we were happy together, it just wasn't enough for me anymore. I woke up one morning and decided I needed a break.

"Why are you packing?" Nick asked. "Are we going some where?"

"No, I'm going to go back to New York for a while."

"Did something happen? Your parents?"

"No, as far as I know they are all right."

"Then why are we going?"

"Not we, I'm going. I just want to take some time to think about some things."

"Think about what?"

"Me."

"I don't understand."

"I know you are really busy right now and you have this amazing career and everything is perfect for you."

"It's perfect for us, isn't it? Are you not happy?"

"I love you Nick. Honest I do. But we've been together for the last 3 years and I don't see this relationship going anywhere."

"You want to leave me?"

"No, I don't want to. But I want a family. I want to get married, and before you interrupt...I know you are not there in your life. So before I commit myself to anything, I need some time away, by myself to really think. Because I love you Nick. I don't want to leave you. But I don't want you to compromise your dreams for me."

"Amanda, you want a baby?" He raked his fingers through his hair. I smiled.

"I think I do. But I know your busy, your so much in demand Nick and I know you wouldn't have time for that. But we're 28 Nick. Time is passing us by."

"I don't want you to go."

"I have to. Not forever, I hope not forever. But I just want to clear my head. Can I even handle being a mother? Is it that I'm getting restless for something I don't know anything about? Or is it just a fantasy. I just want to take 2 weeks?"

"2 weeks?"

"Okay, 1 week. But no communication. I'll call you when I get to my apartment, and I'll call you when I'm coming home."

"Amanda, wait..." He was searching for words that wouldn't come.

"I gotta go Nick. I owe it to myself."

"When are you leaving?"

"I gotta go."

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't we talk about this?"

"We just did. Nick I'm sorry if I'm being selfish. I just gotta find out. The sooner I go the sooner I'll be back."

"I don't want you to leave me." He threw his arms around me and hugged me tight.

"This isn't about us, it's about me right now. As selfish as that sounds it has to be about me. I've given the last 3 years to us. I don't even know who I am anymore."

"And a week is supposed to help you figure that out?"

"I don't know." A horn sounded outside. "My cab is here."

"I can't take you?"

"No, it's to painful." I began to sob. "I'm sorry Nick, I have to do this."

He was crying too. "I'll be here, waiting for you Amanda." He walked me out to the taxi and put my bag into the trunk. "This is killing me."

"I'm sorry, I'll be back in a week."

"Will you really, or is this good-bye."

Chapter 29

I boarded my flight back to New York and slept the entire way. I'd been up all night the night before contemplating how I was going to even board this airplane. I knew I had to tell Nick and I knew it was going to be painful. But I had no idea. I missed him already.

The flight was uneventful and I landed without incident. I took my bag and board the bus out to Brooklyn. 90 minutes later I stood outside my apartment building. It had changed a little. There were window boxes and a new coat of paint. I went up stairs and entered my apartment. Nick had already called so I called him back.

"Hi."

"You make it all right?"

"I did. I'll see you in a week."

We hung up and I unpacked and decided to go for a walk. I needed to be out around other people. I'd been in my apartment barely an hour and the walls were closing in.

The first three days went by really slow. I called Jen and one the fourth day she invited me to an After Party. A play of hers had just closed. "Sure, I'd love to come." She gave me directions and we agreed to talk in person.

I dressed for the play. It was a really awesome play. I had heard so much about it but Nick and I were always too busy to attend. "Amanda, I'm so glad you could make it." Jen said while hugging me.

"Me, too. It's been a long time. Hey Randy! How are you?"

"I'm good. You look good. Where's Nick?"

"He's in Los Angeles. Working, you know."

"Hey, I want you to meet me wife and daughter."

"You're married?"

"Yep, and I'm a daddy." Randy's wife and infant daughter approached me. They were both beautiful. "This is Cassie, and our daughter Nicole."

"It's nice to meet you both!"

"Would you like to hold her?" Cassie asked.

"May I?" I took Nicole in my arms. She was the most precious thing I've ever seen. "She's so tiny."

"She's only six weeks old."

"Wow, I had no idea you got married."

"I sent and invite. I guess you didn't get it."

"We didn't. I would have been here for you Randy."

"I know. So, any plans for you and Nick?"

I just stared at little Nicole and shook my head. "Nick's too busy." I handed Nicole back to her mother. "She really is a beautiful little girl."

Jen grabbed me by the hand and led me back to her office. "We really need to talk don't we? Your not just here to visit are you?"

"No."

"Did something happen? I know you had problems a few years ago."

"No, nothing happened. I just need a change. I think I'm going to leave Nick."

"Are you serious!"

"Yes. Holding Nicole it, it just breaks my heart." I wiped my tears. "I want to be a mom. I don't want to be someone's girlfriend for the rest of my life."

"What does Nick say?"

"We've talked about marriage and children. He's afraid of both. Besides, he's so busy with work that it wouldn't be good."

"So you'd just leave?"

"What choice do I have? I love him, I love him more and more. But I have needs too. For the past 3 years it's been all about Nick."

"Weren't you happy?"

"Yes! Yes, I'm happy. But now I want more. He doesn't. So what do I do? Do I keep living with the man I love knowing I'd be unfulfilled in some areas of my life? Is it always supposed to be about Nick?"

"No, I guess not. It's just too bad he feels the way he does. You'd have beautiful children."

"It's just going to be so hard to let him go."

"I know, come here." She hugged me and we cried together. "Have you seen your mom yet?"

"No, why would I?"

"I thought that since your dad died you guys would have patched things up?"

"What?"

"Don't you know?"

"My dad is gone?"

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry I thought you knew. About 6 months ago." I just cried.

"My dad is dead?" Jen apologized over and over. He had a heart attack. She wasn't able to get to the funeral. "Do you know where he's buried?"

"Same cemetary as your grandparents. He's in the same plot. He was cremated. I'm so sorry Amanda, I thought you knew."

"They don't know where I am. I guess I'm not surprised. My dad was quite angry with me."

"But that was six years ago. Surely they aren't holding a grudge?"

"I don't know. I'm going home now. I'll talk to you later. I don't fell much like partying now."

"I guess not. Can I do anything for you?"

"No, I'll be fine. Thank you for telling me."

I walked down to the subway and caught the six back to Brooklyn. I sat in a near empty subway train and cried. I cried for my dad, I cried for me. I just don't know how my life got so messed up. I walked the two blocks back to my apartment and it started to snow. For just a brief second I felt a smile come to my lips, but then the tears returned. I went inside and went to bed.

Chapter 30

Jen must have called Nick and he called me early the next morning. I had caller ID so I didn't answer.

"Amanda, Jen called and told me about your dad. I'm sorry. I wish I was there with you right now. Are you there? Please pick up the phone. I guess your not there. Call me. I miss you."

I took a shower and drowned my tears. I decided I needed closure on somthing in my life so I went home. I've never been so nervous in my whole life. I took the subway out to Long Island. I walked the old neighborhood. It hadn't changed in all these years. Everything was the same. I bought a bouquet of flowers and rang the doorbell of my childhood home.

"Coming," sang my mothers voice. She opened the door and just froze.

"Mommy... I didn't know." I just cried. She pushed open the screen door and hugged me. She hugged me as hard as I cried. "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"Amanda, your here now. Come inside. Where have you been? We looked all over for you?"

"California."

"California? Oh, I didn't know you left New York."

"I know." She looked at my hands. "No mom, I'm still not married." I cried some more. We hugged for a long time and then she put water on for tea.

"Come and sit. Tell me what's been going on."

"First, tell me about daddy."

"He was sick for a long time. Cancer," she whispered as if it might come and get one of us. "He held on for about 9 months or so and one day he just didn't wake up. He suffered so. It was the worst time of my life."

"I'm sorry mommy, if I knew I would have been here. You know that right?"

"I know. I'm just sorry that things were the way they were for as long as they were. I'm sorry for ever thinking you should have settled for Steven. I'm sorry."

"Mom, that was the past. I want you in my life. I really need you now."

"Oh Amanda, what's wrong?"

I filled her in on the last 3 years with Nick. She actually listened. She held my hand. "I just don't know what to do mom, I love him so much, but I want to be a bride. I want to be a mom. He doesn't. He's so good at what he does and I don't want to be the source of him losing jobs or not feeling fulfilled."

"What about you honey? Haven't you been there for him?"

"Yes, but all these years I knew how he felt about kids and marriage."

"He won't change his mind?"

"I don't think so."

"Have you asked him?"

"Not exactly. I told him before I left why I was coming back to New York. His opinion was the same."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I have to leave him." I broke down again in my mother's arms.

"Amanda, I don't think you should leave him."

"I have to. I'm dying inside mom."

"I would think that if he loves you as much as you love him, then he'd marry you."

"It's not that he doesn't love me mom. He's quite famous."

"Famous?"

"Yes, he's a a Grammy winning artist mom. He's in the movies now and doing really well."

"I just don't think it's over. I can see it in your eyes."

I was done talking about Nick. I was just glad to be home. "Who are these kids?"

"Your sisters children."

"She's married?"

"5 years almost. She had the twins just after dad passed."

"Where is she?"

"Los Angeles."

"Los Angeles?!"

"She married a doctor."

"She's been so close."

"We've all been waiting for you to come home."

"I was afraid."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't marry Steven."

"Amanda, you are still my daughter. And I will love you until my dying day, just like your father did." I looked at her puzzled. "He loved you Amanda. He was so sad not to see you  again. His heart was broken when I told him I couldn't find you."

"Mom.... if I knew..."

"I know. But dad knows now that your here. Maybe now he can rest in peace."

"I wanna go see him."

"I knew you would. Let me get my sweater."

Mom drove to the town cemetary and right there in cold hard marble was my father's name. "Daddy, I'm home." I just cried. I'd lost my dad. 6 years and I was scared. I am 28 years old and I was scared to come home. "Daddy, I love you." I said as I rubbed my  fingers across his name. We stayed until we were too cold to stay any longer. As we were leaving the strangest thing happened. The sun broke through the clouds. It had been dreary all day and now the sun was shining.

"See, dad knows your home."

"Daddy..."

"You were always his little ray of sunshine. He loved you so much Amanda."

"I know mom. I just hope he knew that I loved him too."

"He did, he knew it baby. He just missed you something awful."

We drove back to my mom's house and there was a car in her driveway. "Who's here?"

"That's Adam's car."

"Adam?"

"Your brother always comes by after work. He must be worried sick."

We walked into the house and my mom called out his name. He came through the kitchen door and stood frozen. "Amanda?"

My tears overflowed again. He ran and embraced me. "Hi kiddo." He just hugged me again.

"Where have you been?"

"Los Angeles."

"Does Amy know?"

"No, I had no idea she's living there."

"She's been there about 3 years now."

"Really?"

"So what's new with you?"

"Nothing. Married."

"You got married?! You said you'd never get married."

"The right girl came along."

"See," my mom said. "If your brother would marry so would Nick."

"Who is Nick?"

"My boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?"

"I know."

"So where is he?"

"I left him at home."

"Troubles?"

"No. Not really."

I stayed until really late. I had no idea buy my brother lived in Brookly too. So I was able to ride home with him. We talked about a lot of things. Including my walking out on Steven. "Mom and dad were really mad. Then you sent them all that money. Dad was heart broken."

"I paid them back every cent."

"They didn't want your money. They wanted you. But you sent cashiers checks with no return address Mandy. They thought you wanted them out of your life."

"I saw mom and dad that night you know."

"What night?"

"My supposed wedding night."

"Where were you?"

"I was across the street when they got home. I heard them argue Adam. I knew I had hurt them and I was afraid to face them."

"I won't lie to you, they were mad. But after it all came out about Steven and the kid and  stuff..."

"Wait, what kid?"

"He got some girl pregnant. We thought that's why you left?"

"I left because he cheated! I had no idea he had a kid!"

"Yes, after that they tried to find you. But had no idea where to start. You quit the community college and they wouldn't release any information because you were over 18."

"I transfered colleges."

"Dad loved you. He asked for you until the day he died." I was bawling now. Adam grabbed my hand. "Don't feel bad. He figured you were married with a family of your own. He only wanted you to be happy."

I looked out the window the rest of the way home. I didn't speak until we were close to my apartment. "I want to give you my phone numbers. I don't want to lose contact with you."

"I wouldn't let you anyway."

I smiled. We exchanged information and I hugged him. "I've missed you Adam. You are such a handsome man."

"Thanks, maybe you can come to ma's on Sunday. We still have the big Sunday dinner."

"I'll be there. Thanks for the ride home."

I watched him pull away and went inside. I had my family back.

Chapter 31

I went inside and showered and had a snack before turning in. I played my messages and found another left by Nick. "I love you and miss you so much. When are you coming home?"

The next day I called my sister. "Hi, Amy?"

"This is Amy, who's calling?"

"It's Amanda."

"Amanda?"

"Hi."

"Oh my god! Where are you?"

"Right now I'm in Brooklyn."

"Have you talked to mom? Do you know about Dad?"

"Yes, I talked to her yesterday. Adam too. So I hear your a mom?"

"Yes, it's so hard sometimes. But it's the most rewarding and challenging job I've ever had. I love it. How about you? Any kids?"

"No, I'm not even married."

"Really? I thought you'd have a house full of kids by now."

"Nope."

"Haven't you found the one yet?"

"No I have. He just doesn't want kids. He doesn't even want to get married."

"Time to kick him to the curb then, don't you think?"

"It's not that easy. We've been together for 3 years."

"And he hasn't proposed?"

"No."

"Why are you wasting your time?"

"I love him."

"Okay...."

"I know it sounds stupid. But he's so busy with his work."

"What do you do?"

"We work together. I'm his personal assistant."

"Really?"

"You will never guess in a million years who I'm dating?"

"I know him?"

"Kind of. He was around my senior year, kind of."

"Tell me already, who is it?"

"Nick Carter."

"SHUT UP!"

"I'm serious. I met him when he was in a play I worked on."

"The man with a conscience?"

"That's the one."

"I went to that play!"

"You did?"

"Oh my god, you were there and I didn't see you?!"

"I worked as a production assistant."

"Oh my god! We were so close."

"We still are."

"What?"

"We live in Malibu."

"SHUT UP! No you don't!"

"For the last 2 1/2 years."

"Amanda! I'm in West Hollywood, in the hills."

"I miss you Amy."

"I miss you too. When can I see you?"

"I fly back to LA on Monday."

"Who's picking you up?"

"No one, I was going to take a cab."

"What? Nick's busy." She laughed.

"No, well maybe. I don't know."

"What's wrong?"

"I've just got a lot on my mind lately."

"Do you want to talk about it? I used to be a really good listener."

"I'm sure you still are." I filled her in on my dilema, wanted a family, or keeping things going the way there were."

"Amanda, I really don't know what to say."

"I'm shocked."

She laughed. "It sounds like you love him a lot."

"With all that I am."

"And he won't give in?"

"I doubt it."

"I got pregnant on my honeymoon. I was surprised. Jack is going to be 3 on Tuesday. Maybe you can come over and we'll celebrate."

"I'd love that. Are you still going to pick me up from the airport?"

"Do you still want me to?"

"Yes."

Her twins were crying now. "I'm sorry Mandy, I gotta go feel the lil monsters. What time do you land?"

"I land at 1:30 United flight 21."

"I will be there. I'll be outside circling. The big blue mini van." she laughed. "I'm so glad you called. I love you and I can't wait to see you."

"I love you too Amy, I'll see you on Monday."

I hung up and went for a walk. I had so much running through my head that the walls were again closing in on me. I stopped at 'The Thai Palace' and ordered some food to go.

Around 8 o'clock Nick called. "Hey, where have you been?"

"Out and about. Is anything wrong?"

"I miss you. When are you coming home?"

"I'll be home on Monday."

"What time do you arrive?"

"I have a ride, it's okay Nick."

"Amanda, please don't push me away."

"I'm not Nick. I have plans to meet someone."

"Someone?"

"My sister."

"Your sister?"

"It's a long story. I'll tell you when I get home."

"I have time now."

"I'm tired Nick and I want to go to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow."

"Busy, what are you doing back there?"

"I promise it's nothing for you to be worried about. I'll call you when I land."

"I love you Amanda."

"I know Nick. I'm tired, I'll call you Monday."

I hung up and went to bed.

Chapter 32

It was finally Sunday. I would be spending the day at my mom's house. My brother and his wife  picked me up and we drove to Long Island together. "Mandy, this Debbie."

"Hi Debbie, nice to meet you."

We talked about a lot of things. Nothing really important. We arrived at my mom's house and she went all out. Aunts and Uncles, cousins and neighbors were here for dinner. All because I was home. "Mom! you shouldn't have done this!"

"As soon as everyone heard you were home they wanted to see you." I said my hellos and gave hugs. There were so many tears. But it was a happy time too. Mom made a Turkey and a ham.I missed being home. I missed having family around.

"How long are you staying?" My aunt Barbara asked.

"I fly back tomorrow."

My mom looked said. "So soon?"

"I have to get home. Amy is going to pick me up." That made her smile.

"You talked?"

"Yes. She doesn't even live far from me mom. It's so weird. Adam lives about 15 minutes away and Amy is about 20 minutes away in LA."

"God works in mysterious ways."

"That He does mom."

The day was so much fun. I got caught up on everyone. There were so many kids in the family again. My childhood was an awesome one. It was nice to sort of be apart of it. I just wish I had a child of my own. It was finally time to leave. I had an early morning flight. I was excited to see Amy again. Adam dropped me off and I invited them up.

"Nice place sis."

"Thanks, would you like something to drink?"

"No, we just wanted to make sure you got up here safely."

"I'm okay. Is something wrong?"

They were both smiling. "Since your leaving, we wanted you to be the first to know."

"You're pregnant!"

"Yes, we just found out." I hugged them both. "We're trying not to tell mom just yet."

"Why not?"

"Debbie's due date is her birthday. So we're gonna try and wait another month or so and then spring it on her."

"She's going to be so happy."

"She loves her grandchildren."

It made me sad. Their lives have gone on and mine had all of sudden seemed so wasted. "Well you guys better go, I have to get some sleep. I have an early departure."

"Can I give you a ride to the airport?"

"Nah, I'll call a cab."

"I'll take you, it's no trouble."

"My plane leaves at 6am."

"Have a nice trip sis." He kissed my cheek. "I'm just kidding. I'll be back at 4:30."

"You don't have to do this."

"I want to."

"Okay, I'll have coffee."

"You better."

I kissed them both and congratulated them again. And they left.

Adam came back at 4:15. I was ready and had hot coffee too. "I really appreciate you doing this."

"It's really no problem."

"I miss you Adam."

"I miss you too Mandy. Don't stay away so long this time."

"I promise I won't."

He dropped me off at the airport and I flew back to LA. My plane was about half an hour early so I called Nick. I got our machine. "Hi, I'm here in LA. I'm going to meet my sister. I'll be home tonight."

I saw a blue mini van cutting across three lanes of traffic and I knew if was Amy. I felt my smile grow wider and wider. She hopped out of the van and hugged me. "I am so glad you are here. Mandy, my Mandy."

"Let me look at you? Still gorgeous. I stil hate you."

She laughed. "You look... better."

Now I laughed. "I grew into my body I guess."

"Get in, let's go to lunch."

I looked in the back seat and there were no children. "Where are your kids?"

"Tom's got the day off. So he's watching them. I wanted you all to myself." She started crying.

"I'm sorry I stayed away so long."

"I missed you so much."

"Amy, can you slow down a little."

"I'm sorry." We got on the freeway and headed to Hollywood. She pulled into a little cafe. "They have the best food here."

We got out and went inside. She talked and talked. I mostly listened. She was happy and that's all that really mattered. She asked me to tell her about Nick.

I told her how we met, how we REALLY met. And how perfect things had been until recently. "I guess sooner or later everyone gets the itch right?"

"I know I did. 3 kids in as many years."

"Are you really happy Amy? I mean you look happy and you act happy, but are you really happy?"

"I am. I found a really good man. He loves me and I love him."

My cell phone rang. "I'm sorry, it's probably Nick." She smiled. "Hello?"

"Hi, you're here."

"I'm having lunch with my sister."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Where are you?"

"I'm finishing up a photo shoot in West Hollywood."

"Really?"

"Yes, why?"

"That's where my sister lives."

"Give him my address." My sister said.

"Amy wants to know if you want to come to her house?"

"Do you want me to come?"

"Yes, if you're not busy."

"I always have time for you."

"I know, I just thought... Anyway, hold on let me have my sister tell you how to get to her house." I passed the phone to Amy who was all giddy."

"Is this REALLY Nick Carter."

"Yes, are you REALLY Amanda's sister?"

She laughed. "Where are you right now? Okay, get on the 101 and exit...."

I got up to pay the bill. I used the restroom and returned to the table. They were still talking. "Oh she's back. I can't wait to meet you. Bye."

"Here, he's waiting for you." She smiled. "You really are dating Nick Carter."

I had to smile. "Hi."

"She's so funny."

"Sad but true."

"So, I should be there in about a half hour."

"Okay, I'll see you soon. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll see you soon. Uh, huh, bye."

"OH MY GOD!!! You're really dating him! You can't be serious about leaving him! He's your soul mate! You've loved him since you were 18!"

"He's nothing like he appears to be."

"He's not gorgeous?"

"No, he's gorgeous."

"He's not funny, caring, or considerate?"

"He's all those things. But we're just at a crossroads right now. We want different things."

"There has to be away for you two to stay together."

"I don't see how. I want what you have. I want to be a mom."

"You should talk to him."

"Why? I know how he feels."

"We better go. Nick will be there before us. Where's the check?"

Chapter 33

We drove back to Amy's house and Nick was already there waiting. "What? No Green Durango?"

I just laughed. I got out of the mini van and Nick walked up to me and hugged me. Then he kissed me. "I missed you."

 Amy just stood there smiling. "I still don't believe it."

I laughed. "Nick, this is my sister Amy." They shook hands.

"Well come in and meet the family." Amy had a two story mansion. It was so big. As soon as we opened the door we heard babies crying. My heart just melted. I dropped my purse and followed the cries. "Mommies home!" Amy sang. Jack came running around the corner and jumped into Amy's arms. "I missed you, were you good for daddy?" He nodded yes. "And my princesses."

They were reaching up to Amy and I just felt an ache. Nick grabbed my hand and squeezed. "Aunt Mandy, come help." Just then Tom rounded the corner with two bottles.

"Your home?"

"Hi baby." They kissed and each grabbed a baby. "This is Jillian, and this is Jacqueline."

"They are so beautiful, I could eat them." I kidded.

"Would you like to feed one?"

"Can I?" I let go of Nick's hand and walked to her.

"By the way, this is Tom."

"Nice to meet you Tom." I said shaking his hand and taking Jillian. "She looks just like  you."

"Mom thinks she looks like you."

"Really?" I smiled. I sat down and stuck the bottle in Jillian's mouth. She sucked immediately.

"Your a real natural," Amy said.

Nick and I stayed for about 2 hours. Nick really seemed to enjoy himself. Jack adored Nick. He would follow Nick where ever he went. Amy and Tom, and of course Jack, walked us out to Nick's Mercedes. "Are you coming back tomorrow?"

Nick looked at me. "Jack's birthday party. I'll have to talk it over with Nick."

"We'll be here. We have nothing important."

I smiled at Amy hugged her and told her I'd see her tomorrow. Nick opened my door for me and I climbed in. He went around waved at my sisters family and we drove away.

"How on earth did you find your sister?"

"I found my whole family."

"What? Your speaking now?"

"They weren't ever really mad." I started to cry. "My dad passed away."

Nick pulled the car over to the side of the freeway and held me. "Amanda, why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm just still in shock. I have my whole family back Nick. My dad went to his grave hoping I'd come back."

"You didn't know."

"I shouldn't have been afraid. Take me home Nick. Let's  just go."

Nicked pecked my cheek and drove us home. It was so nice to be home again. I took a shower and climbed into bed.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"No."

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"I'm fine. I'm just tired."

"I know your tired, but I feel like your pulling away from me. Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to leave me?"

"Probably."

"Why? Haven't I been good to you?"

"It's not that Nick. I've changed. I just want more."

"You want what your sister has."

"Why is that so hard for you to understand?"

"It's not. You know I love you and would do anything for you."

"Except marry me."

"I want to marry you. But I want to be the one proposing. In the past I told you that I'm  scared of marriage, but I want to be with you."

"I want to grow old with my husband Nick, not my boyfriend."

"I want that too, but right now you are pressuring me into proposing and I know you don't want that. You think I don't know you but I do. I want it to be magical so while you were gone I did something." He got up off the bed and walked to the dressing area.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll be right back." I heard him open and close a draw. He came back with a ring box. "This is not an engagement ring. I am going to ask you to marry me but not today." He opened the box and pulled out a beautiful platinum band. "This is a promise, that I will ask for you hand in the next six months. I promise." He slid the band on my finger. "Can this please be enough for now?"

I hugged him. "Thank you Nick."

"Don't thank me. I love you. No one has ever made me feel this way before. I'll marry you. But I want to plan something special. Seeing you today at your sisters house...There was this sparkle in your eyes that hasn't been there in a long time. I'm sorry for taking  you for granted, but I promise when the day comes...you'll be glad you waited."

"I love you. Make love to me."

Chapter 34

We began to spend a lot of time with Amy's family. Jack turned 3 and all was well. We flew  to Marathon for Thanksgiving, like we've done every year since. People were noticing my ring. It was a gorgeous ring. But the meaning was a personal one for me and I shared it with only a few people.

We're getting ready to head to my Mom's house back on Long Island. It would be the first time in almost 7 years that all three kids were under one roof. Adam had long since told Mom about the newest grandchild. Nick was a little nervous.

"Why are you so fidgety?"

"It's your Mom!"

I laughed. "She already adores you Nick."

"She's never even met me."

"We talk. A lot."

Amy and her family took the same flight as Nick and I. I thought we could help. The kids we angels though. Not a peep out of them the whole way back to New York. Jack and Nick sat  together and Jack was already calling Nick, Uncle Nick. It made me smile. "Can't you just see Nick as a dad?" I asked my sister.

"He's a great Uncle."

My sister and I talked the whole way back to New York. It didn't seem like we had just flown 5 hours, but we did. No one greeted us as there were so many of us arriving, we just decided ahead of time to rent cars. We'd be here until after the New Year's anyway. We drove to Mom's. She was so glad to finally meet Nick. She actually passed me up and hugged him first.

"Hi Nick, it's nice to finally meet you."

"Hi, uh...Mrs. Rinaldi."

"Call me Mom, everyone does. That is if your comfortable?"

"Okay, Mom."

I finally got my hug and we all settled inside. It was December 23rd. We got everyone all caught up to speed. I took Nick upstairs to my old bedroom. He sat down on the bed. "Was this your bed?"

I sat next to him. "Yep, and my Mom and Dad..." I tapped on the wall, "slept right through there." Nick smiled.

"I guess you couldn't get away with much in here then."

"I was a good girl Nick." He leaned in and kissed me.

"I like your brother. He's really nice."

"He's a good man."

"So there are just the 3 kids?"

"Yep."

"And your the only one not married, and no children."

"Yep, I always thought I'd be first. I used to dream about you in here."

"Really?"

"Yep, actually..." I got up and went to the window seat in my room. I removed the cushion and pried up a board.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for my old...here it is. My old diary."

"You kept a diary?"

"Shaddup!"

"What?"

I started flipping through the pages. "Here it is... I was a senior in High School."

"I just got back from the city. I saw the BSB! Backstreet Boys, they were awesome. I couldn't see Nick Carter much as they were playing in the round, (a round stage) He was all over the stage. He is so awesome. He's the most beautiful person on the planet. I'm going to marry him some day."

"Did you really write that?"

"I was a kid. Who fantasized about you even back then."

"I love you."

"I love you too. It's been a long day, we better get back to our apartment."

"Are you going to take that with us?"

"Why, do you want to read it?"

"Would you let me?"

"Yes, I have nothing to hide."

We went downstairs to say our good-byes. "We'll be back tomorrow Mom, I love you."

"Love to you both. Come around 1 and we'll bake some pies."

"Okay, Mom, goodnight."

Nick drove us home and he made love to me all, night, long. The next morning Nick and I walked around Brooklyn. It was cold, but it felt so good. "Hey, I was thinking. Do you want to go to Trump Plaza for New Years?"

"Why Trump Plaza?"

"I hear their having a bangin' party there."

"I don't know. I want to check with my family first."

"Of course. I just thought maybe we could be alone."

"We have a lot of alone time Nick."

"I know, but it's not the same."

"Let me talk to my Mom first okay? We came all this way, if she has planned something..."

"It was just a thought."

We walked back to our apartment and changed. We headed to Mom's house. This time there were even more people. "Who are all those people?" Nick asked.

"I'm sorry. It looks like my Mom has invited the entire family."

"Your kidding?"

"Almost."

We went inside and Mom again greeted Nick first. "Nick you have to try this gravy, what do you think?" She asked as she shoved a spoon in his mouth.

"It's hot!"

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. It's delicious. Almost as good as Manda's."

Mom laughed. "Are you a good cook?"

"You taught me everything I know."

"She has this awesome cake. Oh my god, I beg her to make it. It's..., what is it again?"

"Mom and I said in unison, "Chocolate angel food cake with double chocolate icing."

"Yes, that's it. It comes straight from heaven." Mom and I hugged. Then we just started crying. "What?" Nick asked.

"That was her father's favorite cake. She made it for him every year since she was 7. He loved that cake more than anything."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Mom asked.

"I don't like to see her cry."

I hugged Nick. "I'm okay. Really." I took a big breath. "Weren't we going to make some pies?"

Nick joined the men and watched football. He came in and watched us a bit. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Why aren't you with the guys?"

"There all drinking, I don't want to be tempted."

I walked to the fridge and opened a beer. "Go, have fun."

"No, I don't want it."

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't."

"Nick... take this beer or I'll drink it myself."

He laughed. I tipped the can up against my lips. "I dare you." He said. So I downed it. I went to he fridge and got another one.

"Your turn."

"Are you sure?"

"Just be happy Nick. I love you. I trust you."

Nick kissed me, took the beer and joined the men. "What a good man you have Amanda."

"I know."

"I remember when you wanted to break up with him." I stared at my platinum band.

"I know. What was I thinking?"

Chapter 35

Nick drank two beers and thought he was sober enough to drive home. I of course, told him he wasn't. We barely got into the apartment and Nick started pawing at my clothes. "Take this off."

The next morning was Christmas. Nick was in a really good mood. I thought he might propose. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas Nick."

"Do you want your present now, or do you want to wait?"

"Now, would be a good time."

Nick got up and went to his suitcase. I got up and went to mine. I had footbill tickets for the Baltimore Ravens VS. Tamapa Bay Buccaneers. Nick came with a box. I was a little disappointed but a promise is a promise. "Here, you go first."

Nick rippled through the small box that housed the tickets. "Oh my god, You didn't!"

"Those are your teams right?"

"Hell ya! Thank you baby. I love it. Here, now your turn."

"I opened the box and pulled out the most beautiful dress I'd ever seen. "Nick, it's  beautiful."

"I thought maybe you could wear it on New Years eve."

"Oh Nick! I forgot to talk to my Mom."

"Call her, I'm sure she's awake with all those people in her house."

"Okay." I kissed him. "I love my dress."

"I love you."

I ran and got the phone and jumped back in bed. It was cold. "Merry Christmas Mom!"

"Merry Christmas Amanda. How are you this morning?"

"We're good. Hey, I'm calling because I haven't talked to you about New Years Eve. Did you have plans for us?"

"No, I'm going to Uncle Tony's for a party."

"Oh, so we have no plans?"

"No, honey. I think everyone is doing there own thing again this year."

"Oh I just thought...we used too...It's okay. Nick and I are going out and I just didn't want to step on anyone's plans and all."

"No plans honey. I gotta go baste the Turkey. What time are you coming?"

"What time's dinner?"

"Same time, 1 o'clock. But we're waiting to open presents with you."

"Oh! I didn't know that. We'll get ready right now then."

"I'll see you soon. Give my love to Nick."

"I will Mom, love you!"

"I love you too."

I hung up and Nick was just smiling at me. "What?"

"You are so beautiful."

"Knock it off Nick."

"What?"

"They're waiting for us, we have to go. No time to fool around this morning."

"Uh! I'm offended! Do you think I said your beautiful because I wanted to have...SEX with you? I'm offended." He joked.

"You can be so juvenile sometimes." Now he was laughing.

"What is this? Pick on Nick day?"

"C'mere baby." I kissed him, and kissed him, long, hard, and passionate.

"That's more like it." He said. So I kissed him again.

We were on the road about an hour later. Presents piled high in the back of the car. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out and it was starting to snow. "Nick, a white Christmas."

"It's been a while huh?"

"Yes, my dad and I..." Nick rubbed my thigh. "My dad and I used to run outside with our tongues out trying to catch snowflakes. He was so crazy."

"I wish I could have met him."

"Me too. You would have absolutely loved him. You kind of remind me of him a little."

"Really?"

"Yes, he could read me about as well as you can. He was a jokester too." I laughed. "One year for Christmas he hid my brothers presents. He was getting in trouble a lot. God, Adam must have been about 6. He was really misbehaving and Dad would be on the phone every night talking to Santa. He had Adam so scared. He'd tell Adam, 'Santa knows. I just got off the phone. Nothing but coal this year.' Adam didn't believe him. We woke up Christmas  morning and daddy had coal in Adam's stocking. You should have seen Adam's face. Mom thought it was cruel."

"It was! How could he do that."

"He told Adam to go get the paper. Adam went into the front foyer and there were all his toys. Adam screamed with joy. We all busted up laughing. Dad had written a note, from Santa of course. It said something like, dad called me and said you were misbehaving. But I know there is a better person inside. Don't prove me wrong. Adam never misbehaved again."

"Poor Adam." I hit Nick. "OW!"

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"

Nick just flashed that amazing smile of his. "Nah, just messing with ya!"

We arrived at mom's house not much later. The snow was really coming down here. The kids were in the front yard building a snowman. Jack saw Nick and bolted for him. "Uncle Nick, Uncle Nick!"

"Hey little man, what are you doing out here?"

"We're making a snowman, wanna help?"

"Sure but there are a couple things I have to do first."

"What?"

"Let me fix this coat. You'll get sick and I won't have anyone to play with." Jack laughed.

"What else?"

"I gotta get all these presents under the tree. Can you help me?"

"Sure! Are there any for me?"

"Of course, I think most of them are for you."

Jack's eyes got wide. We carried the presents inside and put them under the tree. "Now Uncle Nick?"

"Let me say to Grandma first. Hi Mom, Merry Christmas." He gave her a kiss.

"Now Uncle Nick?"

"One more thing."

"Aw come on Uncle Nick."

"One more thing."

"What?"

"Airplane ride?"

"Yay!" Nick lifted Jack up over his head and flew him out the door. It was so wonderful to see him that way. It just made me love him more.

Chapter 36

We let the kids play for a little while then we rescued the adults. "Anyone want to open presents?"

"I about got knocked over."

We exchanged gifts between us. It was only my Mom, Sister, Brother and there families, and Nick and I. It was still noisy. Once the mess was cleaned up we ate dinner. It was so much fun. Nick interrupted things and said, "you know, when Manda comes to my parent's  house for Thanksgiving she finds out so much about me. But you don't talk much. I want to know something about her I don't know. What was she like growing up?"

Amy started, "well she was way into this group. You might know them, The Backstreet  Boys." Everyone laughed.

"Oh you should have seen her room. All those pictures on the wall. Nothing but Backstreet Boys. Oh and the sleep overs she had. She called them Backstreet Nights.All they did was eat your favorite foods. Mimic your dance moves and sing your songs. I think we have a video around here somewhere."

"You better not Mom!"

Everyone laughed. "She was a great sister." Adam said. "She would always defend me."

"Yeah," Amy agreed.

"We missed her terribly when she ran."

"I'm sorry guys."

"It's..." My Mom started crying. "I just wish dad was here."

There went the holiday. "He is here in spirit Mom." Nick said. "Why else would we have the perfect day we're having. We're all together. Debbie's having a baby."

"You're right Nick. It is a nice day isn't it?" Mom said wiping her tears.

"Well Nick," Adam said. "I guess we got some football to watch." Everyone laughed.

I kissed Nick. "You want a beer?"

"Nah, I gotta drive later. We'll drink New Year's. I'll get a driver."

"Okay." I kissed him again. They went off to watch the game and Amy, Mom and I cleaned up the kitchen. Mom warmed up the oven and through the pies in while we loaded the dishwasher.

"So, no ring huh?" Amy asked.

"No, I got a dress, but I'm fine with it. I love him and well, I just love him."

"What are you guys doing for New Year's?"

"He's taking me to a party at Trump Plaza. You guys should come with us!"

"We can't. We couldn't find a sitter, so we'll be watching the ball drop from Mom's sofa."

"I'm sorry. No one's available?"

"Apparently they book early back here." I laughed.

The next week Nick and I did a lot of things with my family. They loved him and they got along great. I made dad's cake and that made Nick very happy. Mom and I spent a lot of personal time together. She had given me my Christening outfit from when I was baptized for Christmas. She had also given me many momentos that I had given her over the years. The one thing that got me was she had knitted a baby blanket, and matching sweater, booties, and hat. She had put them away in fear that she'd pass on before finding me. She wanted my children to know that she loved them too. It was an amazing week.

New Year's Eve came and I called my Mom, no one answered. "Huh, I'd thought atleast Amy would answer."

"Maybe they went to dinner."

"Maybe, are you ready, you look ready. You look dangerous."

He kissed me. "You look amazing in that dress."

"If you don't want to stay out late Nick we can come back early."

"Why?"

"Your game tomorrow. I know you won't want to miss it."

"I won't don't worry. Let's go."

We left our apartment at about 9:30 it would be atleast an hour before we got to the city.  Nick stopped at Mc Donalds. "I'm starving. Let's eat something before we get there."

I didn't argue, I was hungry too. We left McDonalds at about 11. "Nick if we don't get  there soon we'll miss New Year's."

"I just want to do one more thing."

"What?"

"I want to go by Ground Zero."

"Why tonight?"

"I don't know, I just want to see what's down there."

"Okay."

"The party doesn't start until midnight anyway."

"I don't mind I was just saying."

"Okay, we'll go. It's cold anyway."

We pulled into Trump Plaza at 11:45. Nick had to use the bathroom. "I'll go check my makeup."

I fixed my make up and looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. I walked out of the bathroom and Nick was pacing. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, the party is upstairs." I followed him the elevator. We walked out and opened the door to a huge banquet room. Our familes inside. They all yelled "SURPRISE!"

I turned to Nick, who was down on one knee. At the stroke of midnight he asked me to marry him. My first word to him in the New Year, was Yes!