Chapter 1

I beat Nick to the Emergency room. Brian called me to say Nick was in a serious accident and was unconscious. I said, "what happened?" "There was a fire and explosion on Nick's boat." "Oh no," was all I could say. "Is he alive?" Brian said barely, "Sue. I'm not going to lie to you. It isn't good." I called my mother and asked her to pick up the kids at school. Nick was in a serious accident. I'd call her later with the details. I drove through the streets of Los Angeles like a mad woman. I found a spot and dashed into the ER. I stopped a nurse. "Where's my husband?" She said, "talk to the woman behind the desk." I walked over and told her I was Susan Carter, "my husband Nick was in a boating accident. Where is he?" She said, he hasn't arrived yet. "What?" I cried. I'd gotten the call 30 minutes ago. She said, "they were trying to stabilize him." I said, "how long until they were here?" She said, "they're 8 minutes out." Those were the most intense 8 minutes I've ever gone through. They were also the longest. I heard the ambulance pull up outside. I ran through the doors as they were taking him out of the ambulance. There was so much blood. Brian rushed over to me and he was crying. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I rushed to the gurney that Nick's lifeless body was lying on. The doctors didn't stop they rushed him into the trauma unit. I didn't even get to talk to him. His eyes were partially open. "Brian! What happened? Is he dead Brian?" Why did his eyes look like that? Brian sat down with his head in his hands. He said, "Sue I can't lie to you. We almost lost him. I'm so scared he's not going to make it through this." He said, "Nick was working on his engine. He was rushing, something about a school play tonight. Next thing I knew Nick was sailing through the air in a fireball. I don't know what happened." I saw doctor after doctor running into Nick's room. I went to the nurse's station and asked the woman about my husband? She said, "we're doing all we can for him right now." I asked, "when will the doctor come out and talk to me?" She said, "as soon as one is able to." I walked back to Brian and told him, "it's goint to be a long night. You should go." He said, "I'm not going anywhere." I couldn't cry. I was too scared to cry. Brian was bawling like a baby and I sat there in bitter silence. My cellular phone rang. I almost expected it to be Nick. "Susan, how's Nick?" I heard my mother ask. "I don't know mom. He's being worked on right now." She asked what had happened? I said, "well according to Brian,Nick was working on his boat engine and the next thing he knew, it was gone." Even my mom was hysterical crying. She asked, "what do I tell the kids?" I said, "ma I can't think. You tell them what you think they should know." I said good bye and hung up the phone. Brian and I sat in the ER chairs for four hours. Finally the doctor called my name. I took Brian's hand and we followed him to his office. He told me, "Your husband is finally off life support and breathing on his own." "Life Support?" It was the first time I'd realized how serious this was. I looked over at Brian. "Your husband has sustained head trauma and superficial burns on his hands and legs." I asked what he meant by head trauma? The doctor said, "Your husbands brain had swollen and they wouldn't know the extent of it until after he woke up." "He'll be OK though won't he?" The doctor said it was too early to tell. "All we can do is wait." "I've done that all ready. I want to see him." He said, "only immediate family." I said, "we both were immediate family." The doctor knew I was fibbing but allowed us to go in one at a time. I went in first. Nick's body was bandaged. His head was wrapped in bandages and so were his arms and hands. His legs were bandaged too. He was so still. It scared me. He was all scraped up. His lovely face bruised. What had we done to deserve this? I held on to his hand and for the first time, in a very long time I prayed.

Chapter 2

Nick and I met in High School. He was Captain of the Basketball team and I was on the girl's Varsity Basketball team. We had a charity basketball game at school one year where celebrities, both men and women, played us. Our coaches had selected players from both our teams. Nick and I were both part of the starting five players. We practiced everyday right up until the game. Nick and I had an incredible chemistry between us. We became best friends. We were both sophomores in High School. I remember the gym being packed with people. More people than we ever had at any of our home games. The other team consisted of Rock Stars and Actors. Our coach told us to go out and have fun. We said a prayer and then our team cheer. "Goooooooooooooo Rebels!" We took the floor, and the AllStars as they were referred to, took possession. They were showing off too much for me so I stole the ball and Nick and I traveled down the other end of the floor and I passed to Nick and he slammed it in. "2 points for the home team," the announcer said. The crowd went wild. Nick high fived me and we traveled back up the floor. This time a guy named Jeff stole the ball and took it down court and shot it and missed. Nick got the rebound shot it out to me, "three points from the corner." The announcer and the hometown crowd were going crazy. In just under 5 minutes of play we were up 5 nothing. The rest of the night went pretty much our way. Although the Allstars did score, it was obvious that we creamed them. At half time some of the celebs talked to the crowd. They were saying they were going to come back and root for us because we played well. One of them said your number 11, (that's me) girl player is a force to be reckoned with. The hometown crowd started chanting my name. I stood up and waved. Another one of them asked Nick how old he was? Nick said, "16." She said, "damn, too young." Then the crowd went wild, they were chanting Nick's name now too. Nick stood up and waved. Their coach came out and said, "I just want to say one thing, this is a charity game, let us get some baskets too all right?" Everyone laughed. We still beat them by 40 points. All in the name of charity

He was so still. They had cleaned him up as best he could. He still had blood matted in his beautiful hair. I took out a tissue and wet it and was rubbing his head. I remembered that after the game was over, Nick still called me to go shoot baskets. I found myself attending Nick's games and Nick was attending my games. When my grandmother passed away, he was there for me. We went to all the school functions together. But we weren't an item. Just really good friends. I asked, "Do you remember the first time you kissed me?" I was trying to get the blood out of his hair, I gave up it was useless. "Remember Nick,we were in the school play and it had that kissing scene? We were really nervous but we were friends so we just did it. Nothing was really ever the same after that, was it?" He didn't answer. He just lied there motionless. "Do you remember when we went to the Spring Formal? I think that's when we realized we were more than just friends. We were chosen King and Queen of the dance and we had to dance by ourselves. Remember? Our friends were giving us so much grief, why don't I just kiss you? Why don't you just kiss me? I'm glad we were friends first. We dated ever since that dance. We went on to be King and Queen of the Prom too. We even received our diplomas together. Remember that? I was Susan Carlson at the time you were Nickolas Carter. We even went to the same college. FSU, Florida State University. Although our career paths were going in two different directions, we still remained close. I guess our relationship really got serious when I was a senior in High School. Our bus was involved in a really bad accident. We had an away game and were returning very late. The driver swerved to miss a dog and the bus rolled over an embankment. Since none of us wore seat belts we were thrown about the bus. You didn't know until the next morning. You stopped off to pick me up and my brother told you I was in the hospital. You were right there when I opened my eyes. Now I'm here for you."

"Nick won't you please open your eyes for me? Nick, I love you, don't leave me. Not now, after all we've ever been through." The nurse came in and said, "I have to change Nick's bandages." I left the room bawling. Brian was sitting in the chair. "Oh Brian, I'm sorry I forgot about you." He held out his arms and I cried into his shoulder. "Why did this happen?" Brian was a single father. His wife had left him 4 years ago. He recently received his final divorce decree. Nick and I helped him through it. Brian would often drop his kids off with us and try to convince his wife to come back. "She's a lost lamb," he would say. He finally realized that his relationship with his kids was suffering and finally let her go. I really liked Brian, he was a very nice man. The nurse came out and said, "you can go back in now Mrs. Carter." I told Brian, "you go now." He asked if I was sure? I said, "I have to check up on the kids." He turned and went into Nick's room. I sat down with my face in my hands and cried.

Chapter 3

Nick remained in a coma for 4 ˝ days. When he came too, he didn't recognize anyone. Not even me. I was devastated. Brian came in and Nick didn't recognize him either. Brian thought he was joking, Nick was always pulling something. Brian saw the look on my face and he knew Nick wasn't joking this time. Brian walked up to the bed and said, "It's me Brian." Nick had a blank look on his face. Nothing registered to him. The kids were asking when we were coming home. It was a very stressful and emotional time for me. Our friends and family visited Nick every day. He was finally released a month later. The swelling had gone down and his wounds were healed. The amnesia was all that was stopping us from moving on. We instead had to start over. The kids were staying with my mom for an indefinite period of time. Brian and I brought Nick home to the house he'd built with his own two hands, he didn't remember. He walked around the house looking at the pictures on the walls and the different objects around the house. He had lots of questions but nothing concrete. He walked down the hall and opened the door to our daughter's room. She was 5 years old. He didn't remember her. He walked across the hall to our oldest daughter's room she was 7. Then he walked into his son's room. Nick and Nickolas were close. They were two peas in a pod. They did everything together. They fished, they played video games, basketball, you name it they did it. Nick never complained when it came to the kids welfare and happiness. Now he didn't remember any of us. He walked up the hall to me with tears in his eyes. He walked out back and sat down by the pool. Brian walked outside and brought him a Pepsi. Nick said, "I have three kids and a wife that I can't remember." Brian didn't say anything. Nick looked at Brian and said, "you're my best friend,aren't you?" Brian just shook his head. Nick threw his unopened can of Pepsi in the pool. "What's happening to me?" Nick cried. "What did I do to deserve this?" Brian said, "it was an accident. You didn't do anything wrong." Nick said, "tell me about Susan. Do I love her? How long have we been married? How'd we meet?" Brian said, "You were High School Sweethearts and that you and Susan have a very strong and loving marriage. You love her Nick. You love her with your heart and soul. You always brought her flowers on Friday. You were devoted to your kids." Nick's tears were falling to the ground. I sat in Nicky's room and listened to them talk. I almost died when Nick said, "I don't feel anything for her now." Brian said something but I couldn't hear I was sobbing now and paralyzed by grief. Brian heard my crying and Nick and Brian ran into the house and found me on the floor underneath Nicky's window. Brian said, "what is it?" Nick just stood in the door helpless. Nick finally walked away. Brian said, "Did you hear what he said?" It only made me cry harder. Brian helped me off the floor. Brian said, "you two need to be alone and see what you can help him to remember." Brian said, "the first thing you have to do is get his kids back in this house, for him and for you." I told him, "I'll bring the kids home tomorrow." Brian left and said good bye. I sat on Nicky's bed and Nick made his way back to the room. He sat on the floor leaning up against the bed and he apologized for making me so sad. "It's not your fault." He said, "I don't remember us. I don't even know what I like anymore?" I slipped off the bed and sat down next to him. I looked into his eyes and told him, "I'm was here for you." With tears streaming down my cheeks I told him, "I love you, I know you can't respond to that right now, but I just wanted you to know that I love you. If you don't remember anything else about me, you need to know that." I got up off the floor and went to our bedroom and sobbed on my bed. Nick came and lay down next to me. He said, "I want to remember. I really do, can you help me?" I turned over to face him. I told him, "I'll spend the rest of my life trying." He wiped away my tears. I kept thinking he must feel this love between us. He has too. We lay there next to each other until we both fell asleep. I woke up and Nick had his arms wrapped around me. I began to sob and my body shook so much I woke Nick up. He recoiled and apologized. I grabbed his arms and wrapped them around me and scooted in closer to his body. He relaxed enough and embraced me again. He said, "I have this feeling." I turned to face him. "What feeling?" I asked. He said, "I must have loved you something awful." My tears were falling again. I told him we were soul mates. He wiped away my tear. I asked, "Are you hungry?" He said he was starving. I smiled. "What?" he said. "That's one thing that hasn't changed." "What?" He said again. I told him he and his son had this amazing appetite. "You guys were always eating." We got up and went to the kitchen. Nick said, "Can I do something?" I said, "what?" He said, "I have this overwhelming desire to open that drawer and get something out of there." I knew what drawer he was talking about before I even turned around. Whenever I cooked dinner when Nick was home he'd sit in the kitchen playing with his game boy. I reminded him that even though he didn't remember this as his home. It still was his home. He opened the drawer and reached for the game boy. I think that's when I realized that Nick was trying to come back to me.

Chapter 4

I had Brian come over while I went to get the kids. They were so happy to see me. I hadn't seen them in a few days. They were finally coming back home. I sat them down again and explained to them that daddy doesn't remember us right now because of the accident. I'd been telling them this for the last month. Nicky was the only one that was having difficulty with it. The girls didn't really understand. I asked them if they were ready to go home? The girls ran to get their things. Nicky sat on the sofa tears rolling down his face. I sat next to him and put my arms around him. I said, "It's OK to cry. Daddy is going to remember us." He asked, "has daddy remembered anything?" I said, "yes and no." I reminded him how daddy used to play with his game boy whenever I cooked dinner. "Well, daddy automatically went for the drawer the other night and started playing with the gameboy." Nicky wiped his eyes. I said, "he doesn't know why he did it, but it was the first thing he did that made me believe that he was fighting to come back." The two of us sat there with tears running down our faces. Nicky said he was scared. I told him it was OK to be scared. "You just remember that he's your daddy and deep down inside he's fighting to come back to you. You know he loves you." The girl's were pestering us to leave. I thanked my mom and we went home. We climbed into the Suburban and drove back home. Before I unlocked the door I said, "now remember to be patient. OK?" We got out of the car and I pulled suitcases out of the back of the Suburban and I cold see Nick in the window. He was wiping away tears. Nick and Brian came out to help. The girls bolted and ran at Nick. They wrapped themselves around his legs. He just kind of patted them on the back and said Hello. He was really nervous. Nicky didn't even approach Nick. He grabbed his suitcase and said. "hi dad." Nick said hello but Nicky knew he didn't know him. I watched Nicky's face get all twisted up with emotion. He ran into the house. Nick looked at me. "It's going to take time for our whole family to heal. We just have to be patient." I found Nicky lying on his bed. I went to him rubbing his back. "Nicky, I tried to tell you." He just cried harder. "Mom, he doesn't remember me." I told him, that he didn't remember me either. He sat up and held me. "Mommy I want my daddy back." My tears just started coming. "I know Nicky, I want daddy back too." I pulled him back and with his beautiful little face in my hands I said, "Daddy wants you back too. Let's clean ourselves up and go see him." We got off the bed to see Nick in the doorway. Nicky just ran into Nick's arms. Nick just closed his eyes and hugged his son. I slipped through the door and went and checked on the girls. They were playing with their toys. They were just happy to be home again. Nicky's best friend Pete came over and they went out riding bikes. Nick found me in the laundry room. He said, "Nicky's hurting and there isn't anything I can do about it." "Just you holding him helped." He said, "I'm ready to see those home videos now." "Let's wait until the kids are in bed." Nick helped me with the laundry. "If you feel like your rememberling something or just have a feeling about something just blurt it out. We can help you figure out if it is a memory or if it's nothing. Just keep talking to us." I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. I missed making love to him and I wanted him back. I went upstairs and started cooking dinner. Nick sat on the barstool at the breakfast bar and played his gameboy. I hadn't told him the significance. Nicky came back and washed for dinner. He was really trying to reach his dad. He said, "Hey dad I have a game tomorrow, will you come watch me?" Nick looked at me and I told him baseball. Nick said, "I wouldn't miss it for the world little buddy." Nicky looked at me. I smiled at him with tears rolling down my face. Nicky ran into his bedroom. Nick asked, "what'd I do wrong?" I said, "nothing. You did nothing wrong." I went after Nicky and he was again crying on his bed. I told him, "see daddy is trying to fight for us." Nicky looked up with tears in his eyes. "He's remembering." I said, "daddy doesn't know he's remembering though." "He always calls me little buddy. Why would he say that if he didn't remember?" Nicky asked. I told him, "daddy did remember some things but didn't really know that he was remembering. Does that make sense?" Nicky shook his head no. I said, "look at it this way. Daddy's heart, is remembering us first. His calling you little buddy, is a sign of affection, of love. But daddy's mind doesn't understand yet. I know he will Nicky. He will remember us. You keep doing what you are doing. You include daddy just like you always did." He hugged me and told me he loved me. "I love you too Nicky."

Chapter 5

I finally got the kids fed and bathed and ready for bed. Kristen wanted a story so I read her a quick story and she fell asleep. Jennifer, my 7 year old, asked when daddy was going to remember us? I told her he was trying. I kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her. I walked over to Nicky's room. He was playing on his computer. He called me into his room. "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm making dad a card." I sat down and watched him work. He was incredibly creative. He had taken pictures of Nick and himself and plastered them all over a greeting card. The pictures were of them over the last 10 years. On the inside of the card Nicky wrote; "You may not remember me now, but I remember you. Follow your heart daddy and it will lead you back to us." He was so proud of that card. He printed it out and signed it "from your son, Nickolas Jr." He put it in an envelope and asked me to give it to him. I said, "I think it would be nicer coming from you." He was very nervous. He looked exactly like his father. He asked, "Will you go with me?" I said sure. We walked into the living room where Nick was flipping through the channels. Nicky approached him and Nick smiled. Nicky said, "I made you something." Nick took the envelope and Nicky turned to walk away. Nick grabbed him and sat him on his lap while he opened the card. Nicky was crying already. Nick looked at the card with all the photos on the front. "Is this you?" Nicky just nodded his head. Nick opened up the card and read the inscription. He hugged Nicky. Nick was crying now too. He thanked Nicky for the card and told him. "I'm fighting for you. I need you to believe that. I want to come back to you. Do you believe that?" Nicky just wrapped his arms around his father's neck. Nick carried him back to his room. Nick tucked him in bed and asked what they usually did? Nicky said, "we usually play Mario Kart before I go to bed." Nick looked at him and said, "what's Mario Kart?" Nicky got this really funny smile on his face. He had never beaten his father at Mario Kart before. He asked Nick if he wanted to play? Nick said, "if this is what we do then let's play little buddy." Nicky's smile grew. He jumped off his bed and switched on the TV and his Nintendo Game. Nicky fished out the cartridge and quickly explained to Nick how the game was played. They played in there for almost an hour. I finally had to break it up. "Nicky's got school tomorrow. It's time for bed." Nick still beat Nicky. It was the first time Nicky didn't mind. They were talking and bonding and Nicky was stronger for it. I went to tuck him in and Nicky said, "I want dad to do it." I backed out of the way and Nick came and tucked in his son. Nicky raised both his arms in the air. Nick dropped to his knees and hugged his son. He asked Nicky, "do you like Strawberry Ice Cream?" Nicky said, "it's my favorite, why?" Nick said, "I was remembering something about strawberry ice cream and a snowman." Nicky smiled, "that's when I was little and we went to the mountains. We made a snowman outside and I was worried that the snowman would get hungry. So you dished me out some strawberry ice cream and I gave to the snowman." Nicky said, "keeping trying daddy, because I miss you so much." Nicky's tears were falling again. Nick said, "I am little buddy." That just made Nicky squeeze him harder. Nicky told his father he loved him and Nick said, "I love you too." He walked out into the hall and hugged me. It was the first time that he ever initiated a hug. Nick said, "I was happy here, I can feel it." I set up the VCR with the home videos of us first. I popped popcorn because Nick could never sit through any movie without it. I asked him if he was ready? He sat next to me and placed the bowl of popcorn between us. He draped one arm around by shoulders and said, "I'm ready." He's so dramatic. Even now, he was always starving for attention. His personality was coming back. I turned on the video of us in High School. We were going to our senior prom. First there were pictures of us with our parents and then climbing into the limousine and then at the party. One of our friends filmed us being crowned King and Queen of the dance. Nick smiled. He filled his mouth full of popcorn and then we watched more. There were clips of us both playing basketball and clips from the drama club. We had a day at the beach and someone's pool party. Once that tape ended I put on the tapes from our wedding. First was my bridal shower. He didn't recognize any of the people. If he did, he didn't say anything. He watched me at my shower and saw all the fun I was having. The next clip was from his Bachelor party. He recognized Brian. He was mad at Brian for providing a stripper. Brian said he'd get rid of her. He listened as he told Brian, "for God's sake, what were you thinking? If Susie Q ever found out about this, it'd kill her." He looked at me. "Susie Q?" I wiped away a tear. Next was the wedding. Our Bridal party entered the church followed by me and daddy. Nick gasped. "Is that you?" I nodded. Nick watched and listened as we exchanged our vows. Nick promised to love me until there was no sun or moon. He promised to love me forever. The tape continued on to the reception. Nick said, "did we dance to Open Arms?" I nodded. Faces looked familiar but he didn't have names. The tape ended with us building the house we were in.

Chapter 6

Nick said, "we built this house?" I just nodded. The rest of the tape was just weekly updates on what had been accomplished. In one shot Nick noticed I was pregnant. He said, "You're pregnant!" I smiled, I said yes. I paused the tape while Nick went for more popcorn and sodas. I was putting in the tape of the completed empty house. Nick came back and sat down. Nick had the house wrapped up in a huge green bow. Our favorite color. He watched as the three of us entered the house. He froze the picture. He got down real close to the TV. He said, "is that Nicky?" I said yes. I took the VCR off pause and Nick watched as we cared for our son. He watched Nicky's first birthday party. During the second birthday party Nick noticed I was pregnant again. "Jennifer?" he asked. I said "no. That was Danny. Danny died during childbirth." Nick got up off the floor and stopped the tape. I hurt so much to even talk about it now. "Does Danny have an angel on his gravestone?" "Yes, he does." Nick said, "I knew someone was missing." I just cried and Nick was comforting me. He looked in my face and apologized for making me so sad. I told him I was all right. He turned around and draped his arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder. He started the tape again. We filmed Nicky's third birthday and Nick noticed a newborn baby. "My Jen," he said. "Yes, Your Jen," I repeated. There were pictures of Nick and a boat. Nick was really excited about this boat. You could see it on his face in the video. I was smiling and laughing along with the video. Nick was watching me, I didn't even notice. Nick was preparing the boat for an outing. I just kept smiling, I was caught up in the good times. Nick heard screams coming form the TV and turned back to find that Brian and his wife were with us and that I was thrown into the water. I was laughing and Nick jumped in and we were frolicking around and kissing and hugging. Brian caught a very private tender moment between Nick and I. I was sitting on Nick's lap and I was feeding him a potato chip. Brian zoomed in on us real close and Nick said "I love you Susie Q, you make me so happy." I leaned in and kissed him. We were on about with 6 other people, but it was obvious even now, that we were in our own world. I had to get up and walk out of the room. Nick turned off the video and found me in our room changing for bed. He asked why I left. I sat down on the bed and sobbed in my hands. "I'm sorry I said I just miss your touch so much." Nick said, "I miss you too. Can I make love to you?" "What? Do you want too?" He turned off the lights and closed and locked our bedroom door. He lifted my nightgown off and removed his clothes. He kissed me ever so gently. I could tell that he wanted me. My body was responding to him and he finally entered me. I could feel his tears splashing on my body. Nick was making love to me and that was all that mattered. We were getting dressed when we heard Nicky screaming for his daddy. Nick flew out of the room and into Nicky's. Nicky was having a nightmare. I ran into Nicky's room and Nick was talking to him. Nicky said, I dreamt that you died." Nick wrapped his arms around Nicky. Nicky asked if he could sleep in our bed with us. Nick turned to me and I shook my head yes. Nick said, "of course you can little buddy." Nicky grabbed his pillow and we followed him into our bedroom. Nick kissed me on the lips and told me he loved me. It was the first time in almost 2 months that he told me that. I checked on the girls and when I came back Nick and Nicky were talking quietly. I climbed into bed and we all went to sleep. The next morning Nick helped me get them all ready for school. Nick and I walked them to their bus stop. The crossing guard asked who the guy was? Nicky said, "that's my dad." Nick had never walked the kids to the bus stop before. He was usually at work by this time of day. We walked back to our house holding hands all the way. Nick sat down and finished watching the videos. He came to me and said, "Why didn't you tell me I always called Nicky "Little Buddy?" I said, "because I wanted it to come from you naturally. I didn't want you to use it every time you talked to him because you didn't always say it." The next day was Nicky's game. My mom took the girls and it was just the three of us. Nick was up in the stands when he saw Nicky come up to bat, without missing a beat he went into his old cheer for Nicky.

"Hey Carter, whatcha doin', Hey Carter, where ya' going? Hey Carter, Hey Carter, let it flyyyyyyyyyy!" Nicky dropped his bat. Everyone turned around and looked at Nick. He was standing up doing this dance the two of them did all the time. I was bawling! Nick said, "Susie Q, baby I love you, Susie Q." Then it hit him. He remembered. He looked out at Nicky. Who was crying so hard he could hold his bat. The coach ran out and said something to the umpire and the umpire called time! Nick jumped off the bleachers and they ran into each other's arms. "Daddy! You remembered!" After a couple of minutes Nick said, "now let's see if I remember this right. You hit it out of the park right?" Nicky said, "I'll do it for you dad." Nick went back into the stands. Everyone was clapping. The story of Nick's amnesia had circulated and everyone was congratulating him. Nicky wiped his eyes and pointed his bat in the direction of the outfield. We all rose as the ball was released from the pitchers hand. We heard the crack of the bat and watched the ball sail over the outfield fence. Nicky was crying and Nick was crying. His dad met him at home plate.

Chapter 7

Over the next few months Nick remembered a lot more. He was waking up in cold sweats and writing memories down. He would constantly ask me about things all the time. He was remembering our friends and neighbors. His bond with us was stronger than ever. About a year after the accident we went down to the slip where his boat once sat. You could still see the charred marks on the dock. Nick said, "Jen was in her first school play that night." I said, "yes she was." He said, "I remember a flash, and flying and then cold." I told him there was an explosion and he was thrown out of the boat and onto the dock where the force blew him through it and into the water below. He held me close and said he was sorry for everything. I told him I wasn't. I said "we were always close, but our relationship is stronger now." He said, "I want another child. Do you feel the same way?" I told him it was always our plan to have more children. He said, "he wasn't sure if it was our plan, or if he wanted it for himself." We left the dock and returned home. The girls were in bed and Nicky was waiting up with the sitter. Nick took the sitter home and I asked Nicky if he was ready for bed. He said, "I'm waiting for daddy." He's such a tall boy. I was rubbing his face. Something I've done since he was a child. "Does daddy remember the accident." I told him he did. "Was he scared?" "I think he was but he was brave too." Nick was back and they were on the floor playing Mario Kart again. I walked out of the room and went to straighten up the place. I stood in the door listening to them talk. Nicky asked, "will we ever get another boat?" Nick said, "well I don't know. Did we go out a lot on it?" Nicky said, "every weekend. We used to all go fishing." Nick just nodded his head. Nick said, "well we'll have to talk to "The Boss" and see what she thinks." Nicky slapped his dad. Nick looked at him and said, "what was that for?" Nicky smiled, "you called mom "The Boss"." Nick said so? "You always called her "The Boss" when you knew she was going to give you grief about something you really wanted." I was smiling in the doorway. Nick laughed and crashed his Kart. Nicky stood up and did their dance. "I won! I won!" Nicky screamed. Nick said, "you distracted me." Nicky was jumping all over Nick they were back together. I always said, nothing would ever separate those two. Nick said, "OK you better get to bed before "The Boss" comes in here and gives us both a lot of grief." Nicky was laughing. Nick said, "I love you son." Nicky said, "I love you too, dad." Nick turned around to see me in the doorway. "How long have you been there?" Nicky sat up in bed. I said, "you go to sleep young man, and you come with me." Nicky started laughing. Nick said, "what?" Nicky said, "you're busted dad!" Nick turned to him and said, "thanks a lot." I pulled him in the bedroom and pushed him down on the bed. I climbed up on top of him and started to unbutton his shirt. He said, "were you always like this?" I then undid he belt and then his pants. Nick crawled out of his clothes then rolled me over to remove mine. I told him, "who cares what the past was, the future was looking a lot brighter." Nick made mad passionate love to me. I've never wanted him more in my entire life. When we finished we lied together naked in each other's arms. He said, "you heard my conversation with Nicky, what do you think about getting another boat?" I just closed my eyes. "I'm scared Nick, I just got you back." He said, "I'm not going anywhere." I said, "can we sleep on it?" He said, "sure we can sleep on it, fish on it." His quick wit was coming back too. The next few weeks flew by and Nick was more and more himself again. Nicky's baseball team had gone to the state finals. Nick was in his element. "Hey Carter, Hey Carter whatcha doing? Where ya going? Let it flyyyyy"…Nicky didn't care. His daddy was back. Nicky did his little point to the outfield with his bat thing. The pitcher did his thing and Nicky smacked it. It didn't go out of the park but it did get him to second base. Nick was bouncing up and down in the stands yelling, "that's my boy! That's my boy!" Nicky was all smiles. Nick was trying to get the parents to do the wave. Nicky's friend Pete was up next. The pitcher was in the wind up and Nicky left for third Pete smacked the ball hard and Nicky fell to the ground. I looked at Nick, "Oh my God, what just happened?" Nick jumped off the bleachers and over a fence and out to Nicky. The umpire and a coach were hovering over him when Nick got there. I caught up to them. Nick was screaming "No! No! Someone call 911!" They rushed Nicky into the ER. Nick and I were told we couldn't go all the way inside. Nick was screaming. "Damn it! Damn it, I just got my family back, don't do this to me God, don't do this." I called Brian and told him to come to the ER. He said, "is it Nick?" I cried into the phone, "no it's Nicky."

Chapter 8

Before we knew it family and friends surrounded us. Nicky was still in surgery. We hadn't heard a word in over 6 hours. We knew it was bad, there was so much blood. Nick and I were useless. Brian kept praying. He led us into the chapel and we all lit a candle for Nicky. We were so afraid. The hours kept creeping by, 9 hours 10. Nick was pacing the floor and I was crying. That's all I could do. Finally after 12 hours of surgery the doctor came to talk to us. The look on his face told the story. Nicky was dead. They tried everything but the couldn't stop the bleeding. They never got him stabilized. I just screamed "Noooooooo." Nick and I both fell to the floor. Our son … our son was dead. Brian held on to both of us and he was weeping openly now too. My mother and father were there and they tried to comfort Nick and I but it was useless. I told the doctor, "I want to see my son." Nick looked at me for the first time since the news. I said to the doctor, "take me to my son." The doctor escorted Nick and I into the room where Nicky was lying. His head was bandaged and he had a tube down his throat. I asked the doctor to please take it out. He leaned over and pulled the tube out. I wiped his face and showered him with kissed. He was cold. I asked for a blanket. Dr. Morris said, "Mrs. Carter he's gone." I yelled, "he's cold, get him a blanket!" My tears were falling on his face. I was rubbing his body trying to warm him. The nurse came in with a heated blanket and I opened it up and spread it over him. "There you go my boy, you'll be warm soon." Nick was weeping in the corner. He came close and rubbed Nicky's hands. He said, "my son. I just got you back." We were ushered out of the room and mom and dad drove Nick and I home. I had just got my husband back and now I lost my son, forever. It was too much for me to bear. I fell into a deep depression. I was consumed with Nicky's funeral. I wouldn't let anyone help me. I chose his clothes his music. I chose the headstone. I wouldn't allow anyone to help me. My girl's were devastated over Nicky's death. I was too overcome with my own grief I couldn't tend to theirs. Nick and I were drifting apart. It's like our family was dying. The day of the funeral was too much to bear. Our family and friends didn't understand why this was happening. First Nick's accident and now Nicky's death. Nicky was buried on Sunday. His entire baseball team showed up. His teachers and friends from school. All of his family. Once Nicky was buried my mom took the kids and I stayed in bed for almost 3 weeks. I couldn't bear to sleep next to Nick, so I slept in Nicky's bed. His game was early that day and he didn't have time to make it. I could still smell his scent on everything. Nick and I hardly talked. My mom came by one day and she tried to get me to eat something. I told her, "I tried but can't keep anything down." She told me, "you still have two other children who needed you. You need to get well for them. Where is Nick?". "I don't know," I cried. She made me get up and take a shower. She said I smelled. I reluctantly got up and took a shower. I couldn't find Nick anywhere. I called Aaron on the phone and asked if he'd seen Nick? Aaron said he hadn't. "I'll look for him though." I was starving and I went to the kitchen and made a sandwich. I called my mom and thanked her for coming over. I talked to my daughters and told them I loved them very much and that I was feeling better. I went and lay on my bed. I had Nicky's bear with me. Aaron brought Nick home he said, "Nick's been sleeping on Nicky's gravesite for the last 3 days. You guys really need to talk." I told him, "not now I'm not feeling well." Aaron said that I didn't look very well. I just turned over. Aaron pulled  me up off the bed and led me into the living room. The mailman had rung our doorbell and Nick answered it. He had to sign for something. Nick dropped the mail at my side. I picked up the small box and opened it. It was a cartridge for Nicky's Nintendo game. I ran down the hall and slammed the door. Locking it behind me. I didn't leave my room for another 4 weeks. Finally my dad came by and told me if I didn't open the door he'd bust it down. I couldn't move, I managed to yell help me daddy. My dad had busted down the bedroom door. He yelled, "someone call 911." I was dehydrated and weak. All I remember was being put into the ambulance and daddy was right beside me saying it will be all right. I woke up the next day attached to an IV and my dad sitting beside me. I said, "where am I?" "You're in the hospital. You were very dehydrated honey. Susan that's not all." I looked at him and asked him, "what else?" "Susan, you're pregnant." I screamed I didn't deserve this. The nurse ran in with a sedative and I went to sleep again. I woke up asking for Nicky. I was tossing and turning calling out Nicky's name. I felt the needle slide into my skin. Peace, there was peace.

Chapter 9

I woke up and felt very groggy. Nick was sitting beside me holding my hand. He was talking to me. I just lay there listening to him speak. I felt him touch my stomach and my eyes snapped open. I felt my stomach flutter. He removed his hand and stood up. He said he didn't mean to wake me. I reached out for his hand. He sat down and held my hand and cried. He was apologizing for not being there for me. He was consumed by his own grief. I was crying and shaking my head. I told him to stop. Nick stood up and wiped my tears. He said Susan, "I've lost so much I can't lose you too." We just held each other. Our wounds still open. The doctor came in and checked me out. He said, "that the baby was fine and that I could leave when I was ready." Nick asked him, "how far along are we?" The doctor said about 14 weeks. We never even knew. All through Nicky's funeral and our grieving there was a life growing inside me, it just made me so sad. The doctor left and I looked at Nick. "What are we going to do? I can't be a parent to our daughters, how am I going to be a parent to our unborn child?" Nick said, "we'll get through it somehow." "I hope it isn't a boy. Please God don't let it be a boy." I cried into Nick's shoulder. Nick drove me home and went and got our daughters from my mom's. I tried to straighten up the house as best I could. I had been cooking dinner when they walked in. "Mommy, mommy!" I heard coming from the front door. I ran and picked up my girls. Oh I missed you both so much. Nick said be careful Susie-Q. I smiled they were taking a mile a minute. Then Kristen, my youngest asked if Nicky was home. I sat them both down on the couch and talked to them about their brother. I told them that, "Nicky lived in heaven with God now. He wouldn't be with us here in the flesh, but he would be in spirit." Jen was crying and missed her brother something awful. I told her, "it's all right to cry. I missed him too," we were all crying now. I said, "it's just nice to know that we have an angel watching over us. Taking extra special care. We will never forget Nicky, he's in our hearts now and forever." We had a very solemn dinner. Nick said, "well how about some good news." I looked at Nick and shook my head no. The girls perked up and Nick shrugged his shoulders. He said, "mommy is going to have a baby." Jen looked at me with a strange look on her face. Kristen was happy she wasn't going to be the baby anymore. She said, "did God send this baby?" Jen ran from the table and into her room. I found her sobbing on her bed. For an 8-year-old, she was pretty wise. She was mad that daddy and I were trying to replace Nicky. She was mad at God for taking Nicky. I told her, "God didn't cause Nicky's death a baseball did. God didn't send this baby to replace Nick. This baby was planned before Nicky's accident. I just didn't know I was pregnant until today. I'm 14 weeks. Nicky died 7 weeks ago." I was crying now. "Please don't hate us for this. I couldn't stand it after all we've been through." Jen wrapped her arms around me and said, "I miss him so much mommy. When will it stop hurting?" I told her, "it will never stop. She has a broken heart and it will heal, but never completely." Over the next couple of months we packed up Nicky's things. The girls took something to remind them of their brother and I kept a box full of stuff. Nick kept the Nintendo game and Mario Kart game. We visit Nicky every Sunday. I've converted Nicky's room into the nursery. I'm due in two weeks. Our family has moved on but we never forget Nicky. He's in our hearts and our minds. The walls are adorned with his photos. Nick and I watch his childhood videos all the time. I hear Nick struggling with his grief when he thinks I'm not around. I hear him in the shower and in the middle of the night. He won't let me comfort him. 4 days before my due date my water broke. We left the girls at the neighbors until my mom could pick them up. Nick and I rushed to the hospital. I told Nick no matter what I loved him. Nick and I both cried when the doctor announced it was a boy. Nicky had always wanted a little brother. We were both happy but so very sad that he wasn't with us. He was a healthy 8lbs 4oz. They asked us for a name. I couldn't speak. Nick said later. I was tended to and moved into a private room. Nick was with me and asked if I was all right? I said, "I'm so sorry Nick. I was hoping for a girl." He said he was praying everyday that God would send him another son. Nicky always wanted a baby brother, now he has one." Nicky had always liked the name Matthew. We named our son, Matthew Nickolas Carter. I was released the next day. Before going home we stopped off at the cemetary and introduced Nicky to his baby brother. Nick promised to teach him Mario Kart. They'd play ball together and we'd make sure Matthew knew of his big brother. I kissed the head stone and we left. Nick was crying in the car. I asked "what's wrong?" He said, "I was remembering how happy Nicky was when he beat me at Mario Kart." I told him that was the night Matthew was conceived. He reached over and squeezed my thigh. "I love you Susie Q. I love you too." Matt is now 10 years old. Nick and I have been divorced for 8 years. We just never made it after Nicky's death. Nick is still close to the kids, and I still love him with all my heart and soul. But when Nicky died, a big part of Nick died too. I still go and talk to my son every Sunday.

Chapter 10

Nick is getting remarried and wants the kids to live with him. Jen is 18 and Kristen will be 16 in a few weeks. Jen doesn't want to live with Nick and Kristen isn't sure what she wants. Matt loves his father and will probably go with Nick. It's Friday and Nick is on his way to pick up Matt for the weekend. Jen and Kristen are out with friends. Matt said, "I',m going across the street to Johnny 's house, call me when dad comes." I promised I would. Where had my life gone so wrong? I put on the tape of Nicky and just remembered the good old times. His birth, this house. I was sobbing I didn't know Nick was behind me. I sang along with the songs that Nicky used to sing to us. I cried when he cried and laughed when he laughed. I moved to the TV and rubbed his face. I said, "I miss you Nicky. I miss you so much." I stood up to walk back to the sofa and saw Nick standing there watching me. He had tears rolling down his face too. I wiped my tears and told Nick that Matt was across the street. I turned off the TV and sat down sobbing. Nick came around and sat next to me and he was holding me. I told him I couldn't lose another son. It would kill me. Nick said, "I lost a son too and being away from Matt so much hurts me as much as it hurts you." Just then Matt ran into the house. "Hi dad," Nick stood up and hugged Matt. Matt came around and asked me what was wrong? I told him I'd miss him. I told him I loved him so much. I hugged him and told him never to forget that. Matt said, "I'll be back on Sunday." I said good-bye to my son. Nick thought I was over reacting. I told him to take care of the kids and went to my bedroom. I heard Nick drive off. I got dressed and drove to the cemetery. I made my way out to Nicky's grave. It was getting dark. I lay down next to my son and told him I loved him and missed him so much. The cold December sky was darkening and the rain started to fall. I used to sing a song to Nicky when he couldn't sleep and I sang it to him now, "You are my sunshine my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." Sunday night Nick brought Matt home and asked Jen where I was? She said, "I thought she was with you?" Nick said, "why would she be with me?" "Her note said she was with Nicky, I just assumed it was you." Nick said, "when did she leave the note?" Jen was scared now she said, "Friday." Nick jumped into his truck and raced to the cemetery. It was too late. I was gone. In my hand was an empty pill bottle and a half drunken bottle of whiskey. There was another note left tucked inside my jacket. It said, "every person I've ever loved had left me, or is leaving me. I have nothing left to live for." Nick was wailing now. I watched from above with my Nicky by my side. Nicky said, "dad will be all right. He now has three angels to watch over him now." I watched as Nick rocked my lifeless body in his arms. Nicky took my hand and said, "let's go home mom, Danny's waiting too."