Chapter 1

It was the first day of summer and my friends and I are heading to the beach. It has been extremely hot for weeks now. School is out and the beaches are packed. We parked the car and headed to find an open spot on the beach. There were a few volleyball games going on and we very slowly walked by them. A lot of guys running around in swim suits and bare chests. We decided to stay where we could watch the games. We set up our chairs and faced them away from the ocean. Nancy turned on the radio and we all applied sun tan lotion. It was a little bit cooler at the beach but not much. The game closest to us broke up and Annie said, "come on girls let's play." We grabbed our volleyball and started a game of two on two. Annie and me and Julie and Nancy. We weren't scoring many points but we were hysterical laughing at how we were playing. Nancy over served the ball and I ran back to get it. Then I saw four of the most beautiful men. One of them threw the ball back to me and I said, "Thank You." I ran back to my side of the net. I pointed out the guys to my friends. I looked back at them and they were setting up behind us. I said great, now they have front row seats to my jiggly butt. I served it back over the net and Nancy again hit it out. I ran back to get the ball. One of them asked if they could play. I said, "I guess so, come on." I walked back and they all followed me. I did the introductions, "I'm Hope and this is Nancy, Julie and Annie." Then the short guy introduced the guys, "I'm Brian and this is Nick, Kevin and AJ." I said "OK, Brian and Nick you stay here and Kevin and AJ you go over with Julie and Nancy. We'll serve." Nick played up by the net and Brian played next to me and Annie was in front of me. I hit it over the net and Kevin returned it Annie knocked it back over and AJ tried to slam it over the net. Nick met him and put it over on their side. We slapped everyone on his or her backs. We were having a great time. We eventually kicked butt, Nick and Brian were very competitive and did most of the scoring. They moved their chairs by ours. Nick asked, "why aren't you facing the ocean?" Annie said, "we were watching another volleyball game." We turned our chairs around and faced toward the ocean. I stood up and said I was going to get food. I was hungry. Annie said, "I'll come too." I took orders from Nancy and Julie and Nick and Brian came with us. We ordered hamburgers fried and cokes. Nick was eating as we walked back to our chairs. We sat back down and passed out the food. AJ was switching the radio stations looking for funk. Nick grabbed the radio from AJ and put on Rap. We were getting to know each other pretty well. The guys all attended OSU just as we did. "It's funny we never ran into you," I said. It was so hot. I stood up and said,"I'm going in. I can't stand it anymore." Annie followed me and while we walked down to the water we started talking. She really though Brian was sweet. I thought Nick was cute. "He's got a nice body too," I said. We stepped into the foamy surf. The water was cool but felt so good. We started to walk in and were surprised by Nick and Brian they lifted us up and ran out into the water. We screamed all the way. Then they dropped us. I was laughing so hard. We splashed them as they ran out of the surf and back up to the chairs. Annie and I stayed in for a while just floating and talking about the guys. We finally made our way back up the beach. We sat down and toweled off. I reapplied sunscreen and asked Annie to do my back. Nick grabbed the lotion and said he'd do it. I smiled at Annie and then sat down in front of Nick. He dropped ice cubes down my one-piece bathing suit. I screamed. He fell back laughing they were all laughing at me. I stood up but Nick pulled me down. He apologized and then rubbed sunscreen on my back. "Thank you," I said, as I started to stand up I lost my footing and fell back on Nick's lap. I was so embarrassed. I could feel my face go red. Nick asked, "is there was anything he could help me with?" They all laughed. I got up out of his lap and sat in my chair. I put my sunglasses on and stuck my face in a book. Nick pulled my book out of my hands. "What are you reading?" "Nothing now," I said. Brian said, "let's play another game." Nancy said, "let's switch partners." So Nick and Brian went on her side and AJ and Kevin came and play with Annie and me. I didn't mind losing. It was fun watching Nick jump and dive for the ball. When he was on my team I couldn't stare at him. At least this way I could stare at him but he didn't know I was staring at him with my sunglasses on. He was quite a character though. We were playing the net and Nick was teasing me and jumping into the net making me back up. Well he came through the net one time and fell right on top of me. I don't know who was more embarrassed. He got up all red faced. I of course was laughing uncontrollably. "Well now you did it," Kevin said. "You broke the net Nick." I was rolling in the sand. Annie came and helped me up. My glasses were broken. We went and sat down in the chairs again. I was wiping the tears from my eyes. Annie asked, "Are you hurt?" "No, it's just so funny," I laughed. Annie said, "I'm going to get something else to drink." "Bring me back a diet soda?" I asked. Brian went with her. "This is too much fun," I said. Kevin said, "we're having a party tomorrow night, you guys should come." Julie said, "that's great we'd love to come." Kevin wrote down directions and the time it started. We stayed for a few more hours and then packed it in. We'd see them tomorrow.

Chapter 2

The girls and I stopped off at Mc Donald's for dinner and drove back to our apartment building. We ate our burgers and fries and took a dip in the pool. I returned to my apartment telling them I'd see them later. We had plans to go clubbing later that night. I took a shower and dressed and applied my makeup. About 8:30 we were heading for the clubs. We must have danced all night. I was the designated driver so there would be no drinking for me. I was kind of glad that it was my turn tonight because that meant I could really enjoy myself tomorrow night when we met back up with the guys. Nancy, Julie, Annie and I all lived in the same apartment building. We met at the beginning of our freshman year at OSU. We've been friends ever since. We were like sisters and had a lot of the same interests. It wasn't a large complex so it was almost like living together. We saw each other everyday. We arrived back home at around 2:30 in the morning and made plans to go back to the beach. Around 9:30am we all got into my Expedition and headed to the beach. We walked back and saw Kevin, Brian and AJ laying down getting some sun. We walked up beside them and asked, "Can we join you?" Brian said, "sure!" as he grabbed Annie's chair and set it up for her. "Where's Nick?" I asked. "He's coming in a while. He had stuff to do today." I sat down and applied sunscreen to my self. About an hour later Nick showed up. "Hey, what are you guys doing back here?" He asked. Kevin said, "sunning what do you think, dumb ass." We laughed. I said, "now that we have our teams let's play volleyball." Nick stripped off his shirt and I applied lotion to his strong muscular back. Nick was on the opposing team this time with AJ. Kevin and Brian were with Nancy and me. Brian served and Nick hit it back over Nancy returned it and Julie set it over I dived down in the dirt and Kevin slammed it over the net for the first point. I stood up and dusted myself off. We congratulated each other on the first point. We kept playing and I kept watching Nick jump around, he was so competitive. We found each other at the net again, I reminded him not to break the net. Julie served the ball and it never made it over the net. It was Kevin's turn to serve. Nick kept staring at me. Nick jumped up to return Kevin's weak serve. I jumped up too and since Nick was taller than I was he put the ball down right behind me. He started doing his little dance. It was his turn to serve now. I watched as he walked back to serve. I hate baggy shorts I can't see his butt. He served to ball over and it was returned we kept the ball in play until he blew it and it was out. The game ended and I headed to the ocean. This time watching my back the entire way. Annie and I loved the water. Nick and Brian followed us in eventually and swam with us for a little bit. Nick asked, "Are you coming to the party tonight?" I said, "I am." I couldn't help staring into those beautiful eyes. "Do you know where to go or should I pick you guys up?" I froze my mind was racing. If he picked me up, that meant he had to take me home. It also meant that we'd be alone together. What should I say? What if he and I didn't click, then I'd be stuck with him. Well not really because I could always catch a ride with one of the girls. I heard Nick call my name. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to remember the directions. Maybe you should pick me up. That's a great idea. I'll give you my address." I told him where I lived and he said he knew the building. We headed up the beach and to the snack shack for lunch. Nick and I sat talking about our selves and we found we had a lot in common. He was majoring in Communications just like me. We both liked photography and the same music. We were lost in conversation and didn't hear Brian call game. Brian came over and bounced the ball off Nick's back. "Ready you two?" He smiled. "We're not interrupting anything are we?" We got up and Nick and I were on the same side this time with Kevin and Julie. Annie, Nancy, AJ and Brian played the opposite side. It was still a lot of fun. Nick was constantly bumping into me or placing his hand on me going for the ball. I certainly didn't mind. After the game we cooled off in the ocean again. We were playing around and I stepped on something in there and it hurt my foot. Nick had me grab onto his back as he swam into the shore. There wasn't anything there. No cut or anything. It just hurt. Nick rubbed my foot and I walked back to the chair and sat down to look for myself. "I must have scratched it on a shell or something. It really doesn't hurt. I guess it just startled me more than anything." Nick was going for a snack and asked me if I wanted anything? "A diet coke would be great." I reached for my purse and he said "my treat." The guys all walked with Nick and us girls all huddled together. Brian had already asked Annie for her phone number. Nancy and Kevin were planning to go out tomorrow night. AJ and Julie were going out too. I said, "Nick's picking me up for the party tonight." The guys all returned and we stayed for a few more hours and headed out to our cars. Nick followed me and I gave him my phone number and actual address. He said he'd pick me up around 7. I said I'd be ready. We all filed into my Expedition and drove home. I had two hours until Nick came to pick me up. I quickly took a shower and straightened up my apartment. I made myself a chicken sandwich. I was just about ready when Nick knocked on my door. "Come on in," I said. "I'll be out in a minute." "How's your foot?" "It's fine." I put my shoes on and grabbed my keys and purse and said I was ready.

Chapter 3

Nick helped me into his F150 truck. It was the most beautiful color green I've ever seen. He ran around the front of the truck and got in. He started the truck and we drove to the party. The party was at a house that Kevin and AJ rented on the beach. Nick told me he lived about 2 miles from me. So close I thought to myself. We arrived at the party and Nick escorted me in. It was already hopping. The music was loud and people were dancing and playing quarters in the corner. I just had to smile. It has been a long time since I played quarters. I made my way to where Annie was sitting with Brian. Nick said, "I'll be back with a couple of beers." I sat down and Brian excused himself for a minute. I said, "so what's going on with you two?" Annie said, "we've danced and were just talking. He's already held my hand." "Oooh," I said. I was happy for her. "How was the ride over here?" she asked. "He was pretty quiet in the car." Nick came back with a beer for me and sat down. Brian returned a few minutes later. We basically just talked a little about where we all were from. Nick was from New York, I was from Rhode Island and Brian was from Kentucky. Annie was the only one from Florida. "Would you like to dance?" Nick asked. "Sure," I replied. "Are you having a good time?" "I am." We danced for awhile and then Nick wanted to go outside. "Would you like to go for a walk on the beach?" "That would be nice." I walked out onto the deck and removed my shoes. Nick did the same. I stored them under the step so that no one would trip over them. Nick grabbed my hand and we headed down the beach. We sat down on the sand and watched as the moon reflected off the water. We could make out spinners in the moonlight. It was so romantic. We could faintly hear the music from the party. "Do you want to go back?" I said, "in a minute. It's just so beautiful out here. I've never been out here like this before." "I come out here often. It's a peaceful way from him to deal with my problems." "What problems could you have?" I asked. "Just school. I'm not that great of a student and struggled last semester." "What classes are you struggling in?" "Basically all of them. English Lit, American Lit, Communications, you name it I barely passed it." "Next semester I'd help if you want." I lay back on the sand and stared up at the stars. The night is so clear. He laid back too and pointed out different constellations to me. I never took the time to realize what was up there. "We'd better head back." He helped me to my feet and we walked back to the party. I hated to leave because it was so beautiful. We put our shoes back on and went inside to the party. Nick handed me my beer and we watched as Brian, Annie, AJ, and Nancy play quarters. "Hey, can we could play? "Have a seat." Brian replied. Nick and I sat across from each other and the game began. Annie already looked a little drunk. Nick sank in his quarter and pointed to me. I drank the beer down and AJ refilled the glass. I dried the quarter off and tried to bounce it in but I missed. AJ was sitting next to me so he of course made it in and pointed to me. I again emptied the glass and AJ refilled it. Annie was next. I passed her the quarter and she got it in and picked Brian. Brian downed the beer in one gulp. Brian sank the quarter and picked Nick. Nick drank the beer down and then he passed the quarter to Nancy. Nancy missed and then it was Nick's turn. He made it and again pointed to me. I again drank the beer. I was feeling the effects of the beer now. I sank the quarter in and pointed to Nick. He drank the beer and then I said, "well I've had enough now." I tried to stand but my legs were unsteady. Nick stood up to help me. He said, "where are you going?" "I want to go back outside and get some air." We walked out onto the deck and I leaned on the railing looking out at the blackened ocean. The moon was still reflecting off of the water. It was so pretty. Nick wrapped his arms around me, "are you cold?" "No, it's perfect out here. It's so calm." He grabbed my hand and we walked back down toward the water. We removed our shoes and waded in this time. The water was really cold. I pulled Nick by the hand and we sat on the beach. I was cold now. I sat between his legs and he warmed me by holding me close to his body. He was stroking my long brown hair. "We better get back." He stood up and then he pulled me up. I could feel his hot breath on my face. He leaned in and kissed me. I was glad it was dark. He wouldn't be able to see my face. He grabbed my hand and we picked up our shoes and walked back to the party. The party was winding down. "Nick, can you take me home?" I was tired. He drove me back to my apartment and he came in for a few minutes. We sat on the couch talking and kissing for a while. I lay my head on his chest and the sound of his heartbeat made me sleepier. "I really need to get some sleep now," I said."Are you going back to the beach tomorrow?" "I am, would you like me to pick you up?" "Yes, call me when you are on your way." I walked him to the door and he kissed me goodnight. I stripped out of my clothes and took a quick shower. I wrapped in a towel and fell asleep on my bed. The phone rang at 9am. Nick said he was on his way. I shot out of bed and put on my swimsuit and pulled my hair back. I toasted an English muffin and quickly ate that. I opened the door while brushing my teeth. I motioned for him to come in. I finished brushing my teeth and told Nick I was ready to go.

Chapter 4

Nick and I were the only ones at the beach this time. I have no idea where everyone else was. I remembered seeing Nancy's car in the carport but not Annie's. We lay on the beach until about 2 listening to music and swimming in the ocean. "One day I'm going to buy a boat. I've always wanted one. I would like to sail so far out that I can't see the shoreline anymore." I told him that he could always rent one. "My parents have a small boat back in Newport Rhode Island. I used to drive it. It was only a 20 footer though." "There are smaller boats out there. Shall we swim?" "Okay, that would be fun." Around 2 we packed up our things and went for lunch. I was sick of burgers so we went for sandwiches. We ate and Nick drove me home. We were walking through the complex and heard some familiar voices. Brian, Annie, Kevin, AJ, Julie and Nancy were in the pool. I looked at Nick, should we join them. They didn't see us come in. I closed the gate to the pool real quiet and slipped out of my shorts. Nick and I jumped into the pool splashing them. They were surprised. Then they saw it was us. "Where've you guys been all day?" Annie asked. "We went back to the beach," I said. Again? don't you ever get tired of the beach?" Annie asked. Nick and I both said no. We swam in the pool for a while. The pool was nice. Brian told Annie he wanted to go take a shower so he went into her apartment and took a shower. He came out about 30 minutes later. Nick and I were still in the pool. Annie left to take a shower and Kevin went to Nancy's. Finally I said, "Nick if you want to go shower at my place you can." "Are you sure?" "Go ahead. Tell me when you're done and I'll take my shower." I was enjoying the pool too much. I'd started to burn and the cold water felt really good. Nick called me about 20 minutes later. I walked in and noticed a message on my machine. I played the message. It was my mom, she and dad were going on holiday and would be gone the rest of the summer. She needed me to house sit. I didn't want to go. I had just started kind of seeing Nick. She told me that she was leaving Friday and she'd leave money for me and the keys to the cars. She told me she loved me and then hung up. The next message was her calling back. She said to invite some friends up so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Now I had a smile on my face. Nick said, "don't you parents live in Rhode Island?" I smiled "yes, Newport Rhode Island. Right on the water. Do you want to go?" He looked a little embarrassed. "I plan on inviting Annie, Nancy, and Julie. They will surely ask Brian, Kevin and AJ." "You won't get in trouble?". "You heard the message, she said invite friends! I'm going to take a shower, go talk to those guys and see what they want to do." I hopped in the shower and was washing my hair when I heard a knock on the bathroom door. "What!" I yelled. Nick opened the door a little and said, "everyone wants to go." I said, "OK I'll be out in a minute." I heard the door close. I rinsed my hair and dried off and got dressed. I walked outside and said, "my parents leave Friday. Do you want to drive up or fly up?" The all looked at me? I said "my parents would buy the tickets. I'm an only child and they'll do whatever it takes to make me happy." "Let's fly then," Annie said. "This is going to be so much fun. Have you guys ever been to Rhode Island?" They hadn't the only thing they knew about it was from the TV show Providence. I laughed, I said "OK,I'm going to call my mom, and this usually takes a while so bare with me OK?" I dialed my cordless and my mom answered on the first ring. "Hi mom it's Hope." I told her I'd come if she'd send 8 tickets for me. She said, "only eight dear?" I laughed. "Three months is a long time. I'm bringing friends from school who aren't going home to their parents." She said no problem. She gave me a phone number to her travel agent and told me to call and the tickets would be waiting for us. I asked her, "what time are youleaving on Friday?" "8am. We are circling the globe again. First to Europe and the South America." "How fun, can you leave the keys out so we could take the boat out? "I will and I'll leave a list of where things are and how to contact us in case of an emergency." I thanked her for the tickets and she thanked me for coming home. "I love you mom," I said. She told me she loved me too. I hung up and said, "OK guys,I need your last names." They just looked at me like I was crazy. "For the tickets," I said. I booked 8 round trip open ended first class tickets. "Mom didn't say we couldn't fly first class." We took up the entire first class cabin on the 10am departure to Providence. "The driver will be there to take us back to the house." "How much money does your family have?" "Too much. We leave in 2 days." I was hoping there would be enough for us to do. We'd only met each other a few days ago. Now here we were all going away together. It felt so weird. We sat out by the pool playing cards. AJ wanted to go home and pack already. Kevin said,"you have 2 days. How much do you plan on bringing?" We all laughed. It was starting to get dark. I walked Nick out to his truck. "Thank you for letting me shower at your house and for inviting me to RI." "Don't thank me, thank my parents." He kissed me good night, just a little peck kiss. I wish it was more but I guess it's still early for that. I waved as he drove away. I rejoined the rest of them and played a game of Hell. "I'm tired, I'll see you all tomorrow."

Chapter 5

Nick called me the next day, "I have something I have to take care of today, so I won't see you until tonight. "How are we all going to get to the airport?" I don't have the slightest idea. I guess we can all take a taxi, I don't want to have to pay for parking for the whole summer." "I think I can get my brother to drive and maybe my dad would drive too." "OK, if you want to ask them that's fine with me." I spent my day packing and out at the pool with the girls. We were all excited and nervous all at the same time. We had only known these guys for about 4 days now and we are now crossing state lines. We laughed, "its not like we're making them come," Annie said. "Where will everyone sleep? Julie asked. "My parent's house is huge. We could all have our own bedroom if we wanted. The house is right on the water it has the most breath taking view of the sunset. It's very romantic." We couldn't wait to leave. "Nick is working on the transportation to the airport." Brian came buy and took Annie to lunch. We told them to have fun. Julie, Nancy and I decided to suit up and go for a swim. It was already very hot with temperatures over 100. We spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool. Nick called about 6, "would you like to go to dinner?" "Sure that would be nice, how should I dress?" "Casual clothing is fine, I thought we'd go to the Safari Bar," Nick said. "I love that place. What time are you coming over?" He said in an hour. "Great I'll be ready," I said and hung up the phone. Nick arrived right on time. He had a bouquet of flowers for me, how sweet I said I placed them in some water and we went out to his truck. The hostess led us to the table and we ordered. Nick seemed a little nervous but I wasn't sure what he was nervous about. "Is there was anything wrong?" "I'm just nervous about taking this trip to Rhode Island." Why are you nervous? Is it because we just me?" He didn't really acknowledge it. "I don't expect anything but to have a good time with friends. I thought by inviting you to come up with us we'd all get to know each other better. I got us all open-ended tickets that way if anyone wanted to leave they could." Nick reached over to my hand and placed his on mine. "I've just been hurt before and I'm nervous about getting real serious right now." "Nick, I don't know where this is going, we've only just met. I just want to take advantage of this opportunity. We are just friends, so lets just concentrate on that for awhile. Okay?" Our dinners came and we were both hungry. We ate and shared a piece of chocolate cake for dessert. I told him all about the house I was raised in. "We aren't far from the wharf, and I can't wait to have seafood again." "You could have ordered fish here." I said it's not the same. I told him about the Mansions that would put any house to shame. "There was this one Mansion, it's my all time favorite and I love to spend hours in it. It's called The Breakers. I love the back yard of that house too. It's so green and looks right on the ocean." "Speaking of Ocean, let's get out of here." I looked at him confused. Nick paid the bill and we got in his truck and wound our way through the city ending at the beach. It was dark now. "What are we doing here?" He helped me out of the truck and grabbed a blanket and a cooler. We walked down towards the water and Nick set up the blanket and removed his shoes. He looked up at me and said come sit down. I sat down and removed my shoes. He handed me a beer and we listened to the ocean and laid back to watch the stars. "I had a really nice time, thank you Nick." I'll be by with Aaron tomorrow about 8. My dad is picking up AJ, Brian and Kevin and we'd all meet up at the airport." "Great until tomorrow then." He kissed me goodnight, "this time his lips lingered a little longer than usual." I hugged him to my body and said good night. I went inside moving all my luggage to the door. I called my parents and told them I'd be there in the morning and I wished them a nice trip. I got into bed and just about fell asleep when there was a loud knock on my door. It startled me. I walked to the door grabbing my baseball bat. "Who is it?" "It's Nick, open the door." I opened the door, "Didn't your car start?" He said he'd tried calling me but he got no answer and he got worried. I let him in. "I was talking to my mom. I have call waiting and I didn't click over because it was long distance." "I'm sorry, I was just worried." He was looking at my body, I was standing there in my FUBU jersey and my underwear. "Is that what you wear to bed?" "Yes this is what I'm wearing tonight, why?" I asked. "Nothing," he said. "I'll see you later then." "8 O'clock," he said. He looked at my luggage. "Is this all yours?" I smiled, "yes it is." He laughed and I kissed him good bye again. I closed and locked my door and headed to bed. It was almost 11pm. I was going to be tired in the morning. I'd been up late every night this week. I made my way to my bedroom and fell asleep dreaming of Nick.

Chapter 6

I woke up at 6:30am and got dressed and fixed my hair. I fixed myself an English muffin and some coffee. Nick called at 7:30am and asked if I was ready. "Yes I'm ready I told him." I made my bed and straightened up a little. Nick and his brother Aaron arrived about 15 minutes later. I called Julie, Nancy and Annie and told them Nick was here. Nick introduced me to his little brother. "He's so young, is he old enough to drive?" He is Nick said, Aaron just blushed. The girls were at my door a few minutes later. Nick and Aaron helped us load up the suburban Aaron was driving. We just barely had enough room. We settled in for the drive to the airport. We arrived at the airport and met up with Nick's dad Bob and the guys. It felt weird meeting his dad. Nick looked just like him. Although Nick is taller and much better looking. We all checked in together and they were surprised we were all seated in first class. They had never flown first class before. We made our way to the gate. They would begin boarding in 30 minutes. We said good bye to Aaron and Bob and thanked them for driving us to the airport. Nick hugged them both goodbye and told them he loved them. He turned and asked me for my parents phone number. Bob wrote it down and told us all to be safe. We went through security. AJ held us up because of all his jewelry kept setting off the metal detector. We finally got to the gate and the guys were surprised that we were the only ones seated in first class. "This airplane only has 8 seats." So we paired off. Nick and I sat in 1A and 1B. Annie and Brian sat behind us. AJ and Nancy were across the aisle and Julie and Kevin sat behind them. They served breakfast on the airplane and AJ ordered a bloodymary. I laughed, he said, "it's free isn't it?" "Yes, AJ it's free." He looked so funny sitting in first class at 10am drinking a Bloody Mary wearing sunglasses. During takeoff Nick reached over and held my hand. I looked over at him and he had his eyes closed. He was afraid of flying. Once we leveled off he relaxed his grip on my hand. As we got closer and closer to Rhode Island it got greener and greener below us. All those trees, it was so beautiful. "When we land Green airport we land right along the ocean. Wait until you see it." We landed safely and headed up the jet way and into the airport. My parent's driver was waiting for us. I waived to Jonathan and we followed him down to baggage claim. We claimed our luggage and Jonathan loaded it all into the trunk of the limousine. We all climbed inside. "Jonathan, before you take us home could please just drive us around market square?" He said, "no problem." I explained to everyone that the TV show Providence often showed Market Square, where the gondolas are. "It's funny having a gondola in a state like RI." Jonathan had us there in about 20 minutes. We decided to take a ride since we were there. We piled 4 per gondola and took a tour of the city. 30 minutes later we were back in the limousine heading for Newport. Jonathan passed an envelope through the divider. It was a note and keys to the house. My mom said to say hello to my friends and that she wanted us all to enjoy ourselves. Daddy had left tickets for the Red Sox game next week. So if we wanted to use them we were welcomed to them. Brian's eyes got wide when I said that. Basically she said she loved me and would see me at the end of the summer. After another 40 minutes we pulled onto my families estate. The eyes of my friends just bugged out. Even I had to admit that the size of my parent's house took my breath away. Kevin said, "you have got to be kidding? We're staying here?" "Yes we are staying here," I said. Jonathan pulled to the front of the house and we all climbed out of the limousine. We all grabbed our suitcases Jonathan helping us and as I fumbled with the keys to the front door. I opened the front door to reveal a marble foyer with a massive staircase directly in front of us. I told everyone to leave their suitcases in the foyer for now and we'd take care of them later. Right now I'm starving. "Which way to the kitchen?" Nick asked. Everyone laughed. We walked straight back passed the staircase into a kitchen that you would find in a restaurant. It was huge. "My parent's entertain a lot,," I said. I opened up the refrigerator and true to her word, mom stocked up on everything. We made sandwiches and had potato salad as we sat in the breakfast room. The room was an octagonal shape mostly walled with windows. So we had a spectacular view of the grounds and the Atlantic. "Why would you ever leave home?" Annie asked. "This isn't me," I said looking around. "I hated growing up here. All my friends were so intimidated by my parent's wealth that I decided to move out of state so I could find out who I really am. I hope that you all remember that this isn't me, it's my parents. My parents were devastated when I left the state and decided not to go to Brown University. They understood in the end though. Since I'm an only child I tend to get what I want. I'm not selfish, they wanted to buy me a house in Florida when I went down there but I said no. They are paying my rent though. So I don't have to work while I go through college. I'm all they have so I feel why deprive them of that? That sounds conceded doesn't it? What I mean is, they get pleasure out of doing things for me, so I let them do some things." Nick said he understood. We finished lunch and went to take our suitcases upstairs.

Chapter 7

We walked down the long hallway and I opened a door I said, "this is my room. Do you guys want to pair up two a room or do you want your own rooms?" Everyone said they wanted their own rooms. I threw my bags into my room and Nick took the room across from mine. Annie was next door and Brian across from her and so on. Everyone went into their rooms and unpacked I was standing out on my balcony when Nick came in looking for me. I called out to him. "If I knew that there was a balcony I would have picked this side of the house." "You can use mine any time you want. Do you want to go for a walk?" "Sure, but what about the others?" "We'll ask them too," I said. I called down the hall and they all opened their doors. "We're going to look around outside, do you guys want to come along?" Annie and Brian came with us the rest of them wanted to rest. "No place in this house was off limits so feel free to roam around." They thanked me for inviting them and the four of us went outside. There was a basketball court, tennis court, golf green, and a swimming pool. The lawns were well taken care of. My mother had rose bushes all around the property. We walked down to the dock and I showed Nick my dad's boat. His eyes got real wide. "Can we take it out?" "I don't have the keys with me but maybe later. That way we could make a day of it." "What is that island out there?" "That's Block Island, I went there as a kid but I don't remember a whole lot about it. We could go there tomorrow if he wanted to." We continued to walk around the property and ended up sitting in the gazebo. "We used to sit here and watch the sun go down," I told them. Brian said it's so peaceful here. I agreed with him, it really is. We walked back into the house and I showed them around. "My dad has a game room it's not what you think though." I opened the door and we walked into wild kingdom. "My dad likes to hunt," I said. He had a huge moose head and various other animals. I said, "I really hated this room as a kid. I didn't understand why he had to kill all these animals and hang their heads on the wall." I closed the door and showed them the billiard room. We had a pool table and some pinball machines. "This is where I spent my teenage years," I told them. We continued through the house bathrooms and living rooms and dining room. I showed them where the food was stored and where the garage was. "Daddy keeps all the keys in this drawer. Dad has 6 cars. BMW, Mercedes, Land Rover, Jaguar, Cadillac and an Esplanade." We made our way back upstairs and found AJ and Nancy sitting at the table drinking milk and eating another sandwich. AJ looked at me guiltily and said he hoped I didn't mind. I said, "not at all, I was just showing everyone around the house. There is more food through that door to his right." He said cool and finished his sandwich. Through the windows we could see Kevin and Julie. I said, "I'm going upstairs to change. We are going out to dinner. I hope everyone likes seafood." They all nodded. Nick followed me upstairs and he showered and changed. I walked out of my shower in my towel and went to my closet to search for something to wear. I stepped into my panties and dropped my towel and put on my bra, I turned around only to find Nick standing on the balcony. I felt my heart stop. I wondered if he'd seen me. I quickly pulled on my jeans and a shirt and walked out on to the balcony. He commented on the view I had. He pulled me down onto his lap and thanked me for inviting him to come along. I said, "I would have been miserable if I didn't have any company. He agreed with me on that point. He didn't understand how my parents could live here. "They travel a lot. When they are home they entertain a lot too. So there is always something going on with them." "Why are you an only child?" "My parent's tried to have other children it just didn't happen." I stood up, "we better get going to dinner." Nick asked if we could take the Esplande? I've always wanted to drive one." "We have to take 2 vehicles so that would be fine." We met everyone in the kitchen and walked out to the garage. I handed Nick the keys to the Esplanade and asked who else was driving. Kevin said, "could we take the Mercedes?" I handed him the keys. Nick and I got in the front seat and AJ and Nancy got in the back seat of the Land Rover. Annie and Brian went with Kevin and Julie. I told them to follow us. I opened the garage doors and Nick backed out. Once both cars cleared the garage I closed them and directed Nick to the wharf. We parked the cars in the parking lot of the Sea Side Restaurant. We walked in and the manager came out to greet me. "It's been a long time Hope. How have you been?" "I've been just great. There are 8 of us tonight." He showed us to a table and sent a server over to us. She had water and menus. "The chowder is the best you'd ever have in your life so order a big bowl." I ordered my fried clams and a large bowl of chowder. The food came fast and hot. It was as good as I remembered. Nick said, "You were right about the seafood here, it is better than in Florida." We finished and went back to the house. We watched some TV and turned in early. It had been a long day and we were all tired.

Chapter 8

Over the next few weeks we all settled in and felt very comfortable with our surroundings. My mom called once a week. She was very surprised when AJ answered the phone. I told her we were all adults and she need not worry that I had male guests. I knew she did anyway. Nick called home once a week too. He was very close to his family and missed them a lot. I told him if he wanted his brother to come up that was fine with me. Nick said he'd be OK. Nick and I hadn't gotten any closer. We were just really good friends that kissed a lot. I guess he was hurt pretty bad. He didn't talk about it so I didn't press him. We'd gone to the Red Sox game and sat in dad's box. The guys were so excited that we sat behind home plate. The girls and I were checking out the butts on the players. I've always said baseball players had the nicest asses. I told Nick he had a nice butt to so not to worry. He smiled and blushed a little. We'd been to see the Mansions and Nick liked The Breakers. He said it was his favorite too. We even sailed over to Block Island. I hadn't been there in so long. Nick now knew how to operate the boat and so I bought him a captain's hat. He wears it all the time now. Nick and I are going to dinner tonight and leaving the guys to fend for them selves. We've done it before so they're like go we'll be fine. Nick grabbed the keys to the Land Rover out of the drawer and headed for the garage. He drove to the SeaSide Restaurant and we went inside. He requested a quiet table in the back so that we could talk. The hostess led us to a small booth away from the crowd. After we ordered Nick got all serious and said he wanted to talk about his ex girlfriend. He had tears in his eyes, which really scared me. He tried to talk but his emotions prevented him from speaking. I held onto his hand and told him he didn't have to tell me. It was OK if he couldn't. He started again. "Her name was Elizabeth and she was pregnant with our child." My mouth fell open. "She attended OSU and they became really good friends and started dating. One thing led to another and she got pregnant. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I made as mistake and cheated on her with another woman. She found out about it and left me. She was driving home to her parent's house when she fell asleep behind the wheel. She crossed the divider and plowed head on into on coming traffic. They said she was killed instantly." "Oh Nick I'm so sorry." "That was 2 years ago. I haven't dated since." I scooted closer to him and held him while he regained his composure. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "I feel very responsible for her death and he just wanted you to know." Our soup came but I had lost my appetite. Nick did too. I said, "let's get out of here OK?" He agreed, I asked the waitress to make our food to go instead. A few minutes later we were back in the Land Rover. I was driving now. Nick seemed very upset so I knew just where to go. I parked at the beach and removed a blanket from the back. We walked down to the ocean and stared up at the stars. "Did you ever do this with Elizabeth?" He said "no, only after her death did I fall in love with the ocean. The stars are very comforting to me." I held his hand as we stared up at the stars. I could point out the Little Dipper and the Big Dipper, but that's all I could see. I rolled over onto my side and asked him if he was OK? He said he was. "Do you want to go back?" "No let's stay here a while. I like it here. I'm so glad you introduced me to it. I I wish I could tell you some horrible thing that happened to me, but nothing has ever happened to me like that." He said it was OK. "Other than being an only child born to over attentive parents, which would drive anyone insane." He laughed. "Your parents just loved you. If they wanted to spend money on me I should just let them." I asked him about his family. "I'm one of 5, he was the oldest. His parents are very supportive and kind. I love my family very much." "That's so sweet," I said. "I wish I had siblings. The closest I've ever come was Annie, Nancy and Julie. After this summer I feel like Brian, Kevin and AJ are like my brothers." Nick said, "is that how you feel about me? A brother?" "No Nick." We walked back to the truck and Nick drove us home. We sat at the kitchen table and ate our dinner. Brian walked in and saw us eating. He grabbed some of my clams and asked where'd we been. "I told Hope about Liz." Brian got a very serious look on his face and sat down. "What do you think about that?" I said, "I don't think it was his fault." Brian gave Nick that "I told you so" look. "If I hadn't cheated she wouldn't have gone anywhere." "Are you going to eat you chowder? Brian asked. "You can have it." We sat at the table picking off each other's plates. We threw the containers away and went up to bed. I changed into my FUBU jersey and brushed my teeth. I went across the hall and knocked on Nick's door. "Come in." He was in bed reading the paper. "Can I sit with you for a while?" He said I could. I climbed into bed with him and put my head on his shoulder as he read the paper. I must have fell asleep because I woke up and the room was dark. I was still resting my head on his shoulder. Nick had his arms wrapped tightly around me. I drifted back to sleep.

Chapter 9

I woke up first and crept out of Nick's room and back into mine. I showered and dressed for the new day. I found Julie and Nancy in the kitchen. "Whyare you guys up so early?" I asked. "It's not early it's 8:30am. We thought we'd go and lay out by the pool." I said I would join them. "Let me eat first." I popped in an English muffin. I quickly ate that and ran upstairs to change. Nick's door was still closed. I changed into my swimsuit and ran downstairs. Let's go I said. We went out he back door and set up the chaise lounges. I jumped into the pool. The pool was heated but it was on the cool side. "It's wonderful," I said. The girls joined me. I looked up onto my balcony and saw Nick. I waved and told him to come down. He waved and disappeared into my room. "What's up with Nick?" Julie asked. "He confessed something to me last night in confidence and I guess he was still feeling bad about it. I'll be right back." I got out of the pool and wrapped in a towel. I met him on the stairs. "Good morning sleepy head," I said. "Good morning." I walked with him in to the kitchen. He grabbed a box of cereal and I sat down with him. "Are you OK?" I asked. "I feel better now that you know." "It doesn't change the way I feel about you." He had tears in his eyes. "I cand tell how much you loved her. Time will heal those wounds but you need to forgive yourself." He said he was trying to. He finished his cereal and rinsed out his bowl. "Go change and come swimming with us." Kevin and AJ walked in, "did someone say swimming?" I smiled and said, "Nancy and Julie are all ready in the pool." AJ peeked through the window and said, "Damn that girl has a nice body." He then turned around and apologized. "Don't apologize, she'd be happy to hear that from you." Kevin and AJ sat down to breakfast and Nick said he'd be back in a minute. "What's wrong with Nick?" "He told me about Elizabeth." They both looked at each other. "He must really care a lot for you to bare his soul like that. He doesn't talk about her to anyone. Not even us, we had to pry it out of him." I excused myself and went upstairs. I knocked on his door and didn't answer. I let myself in and he was in the bathroom shaving. I made up his bed and waited for him to come out. When he did come out he was only wearing a towel. I startled him. I told him I knocked but with the razor he must not have heard me. He walked over to the dresser and pulled out his swimsuit. He sat down on the bed. "We'll get through this together. Let's go have some fun and get you out of this mood." We only had two weeks left before we had to go home and I didn't want him depressed. He went into the bathroom and changed into his swimsuit. We went downstairs and joined everyone out at the pool. Annie and Brian were eating breakfast on the patio table and everyone else was in the pool. Nick dropped his towel and took off and splashed Annie and Brian soaking them. I laughed so hard. Brian was in shock, he was soaking wet. Nick came over to me, "what is so funny?" Then he shook himself off soaking me. I tried to push him back into the pool but he held on to me and pulled me in with him. We came up kissing. Brian and Annie jumped in and broke us up. We just kind of floated for most of the day. I got out and lay out to tan. Nick rubbed lotion on my body and I rubbed some on him. He took the chaise lounge closest to me and pulled them so they were touching. AJ said we needed some music. I pointed to a door on the back of the house and told him to go inside. He said it was locked. I went inside and got the key. I opened it to reveal a surveillance camera and security system. It also had a stereo that fed outside to the pool. AJ was intrigued by it all. "Does th is film into the bedrooms?" I told him it did not. I flipped a switch and music filled the pool area. "That is so cool," AJ said. Nick came over and asked, "what was taking us so long?" He saw what AJ had seen and was surprised too. "This is like 007 in here." "Not quite but it did take care of the property." The girls went inside and made sandwiches for lunch. We ate out by the pool. The last two weeks were fun filled and Nick's demeanor changed for the better. He was glad that I knew and that I didn't treat him any different. The night before we were to leave he came to me and asked if he could sleep with me. I scooted over and he climbed into bed with me. "I'm glad I came and glad that you are in my life." Our flight left at 2:30 so we didn't have to get up so early. We did anyway, we were all anxious to get back to our lives in Florida. My parents came home at about 11am. I quickly introduced everyone. "We stripped all eight beds," emphasizing eight, "beds and the linens had been changed." Mom thanked me for it. I introduced mom and dad to Nick and dad really liked him. "Dad, Nick is a communications major just like me." Dad said, "great, when you graduate you can come to work with Hope." I smiled at dad. I said, "don't start that again." I kissed them both as we headed out to the car. Mom was trying to get us to stay longer. "We have to get back for registration. We'll come back another time." We all thanked them for a wonderful summer. Even though they weren't around. We again occupied the entire first class cabin and landed in Orlando just before 5. Nick's dad and brother were there to take us home. Nick was so happy to see them.

Chapter 10

We rode home with Nick's dad this time. Nick sat in back with me. His dad asked what we did all summer even though he all ready knew. Nick and Bob helped carry our suitcases into our apartments. "Dad can you wait for me outside? I need to talk to Hope." I thought that was strange. Nick closed the door to my apartment and he sat down on the couch. I sat across from him. He was so deep in thought I had no idea what was going to come out of his mouth. He said, "I know we are kind of dating right now, but I would like it to be official and exclusive. Is that OK with you?" I smiled and nodded. "I know I have issues but I feel a strong bond with you. I really care for you and I know you care for me.." He said he'd be back later. I watched him leave. He had a spring in his step and his dad put an arm around his shoulder and they walked back to the suburban together. I had done my laundry at moms so I just put everything away. My pajama's I threw in the hamper and I sat down to call my parents. I called to tell them we'd all made it home safely. She was so happy that we had a good time. I told her I loved her. I don't really tell her enough and she was a little caught off guard. She told me she loved me too, and missed me very much. "You and daddy would have to come down and visit sometime. " "What had gotten into you lately?" "I have some wonderful friends that were really close to their families and I just missed that feeling." "I'll talk to daddy and we'll come down before the holidays." "I would really like that." I finished putting things away when Annie walked in. "Hi," I said. "I have never had a better time in my entire life." I said I was glad. "Brian amd I are e extremely close. We took lots of romantic walks and went dancing. He's coming over later." "Nick's coming over later too." Nancy and Julie showed up on my doorstep shortly there after. They echoed Annie's sentiments. I was overjoyed that everyone had a great time. Julie asked, "How come you never told us your family was so rich?" What was I supposed to say, Hi I'm Hope my family is rich will you be my friend?" "You could have have mentioned it." "t's not who I am, is who they are." We moved outside and sat in the chairs by the pool. We all had our cordless phones in case one of the guys called. We were all going through our mail when Nick and Brian walked in. I stood up and met him at the pool gate. He kissed me. "Oh you smell so good,"I commented. "We were just going through our mail." Nick noticed I had no bills. "They all get routed to my parent's house." He laughed. "I did get this though." I held up the OSU class schedule. He pulled his out of his back pocket. "I've got mine too, I thought we could go over it together so we could maybe take some classes." "I was thinking the same thing." Nick and I went inside my apartment. "Would you like anything to drink?" "Pepsi, if you got it." "How about a diet Coke?" He said that was fine. We sat down and went through the classes. We signed up for four classes. Hopefully we'd get in and be able to take them together. Our last names both started with C so we could stand in the same line together on Monday. Registration starts at 7am. "If you want to stay here Sunday night it would be OK with me." "If your okay, that would be fine." Apparently he was living with his family. It hadn't dawned on me that he did. He was really opening up to me. We returned out to the pool area and everyone had gone up to Nancy's to play cards. We followed the laughter and walked through her open door. She passed us both a beer and said they were getting ready to play strip poker. "What?" I cried. "I'm just kidding." I was only wearing my bikini top and shorts so I was in trouble if she wasn't kidding. We drank beer and played cards into the night. Finally Nancy's neighbors started complaining. So we all decided to call it a night. The guys all ended up staying, as they were too drunk to drive. Nick called his dad and told him he was staying with me because he was to drunk to drive. His dad offered to come get him, but Nick said he'd be all right. I offered Nick my FUBU jersey to sleep in. He declined instead sleeping in his boxers. I showered and brushed my teeth and then Nick showered and brushed his teeth with a spare toothbrush I had. He climbed into bed and kissed me good night. I rolled over facing away from him and backed up so that I would sleep up against him. He draped his arm over me and I could feel his excitement. He told me he didn't want our first time to be while we were both drunk. I smiled and lay there motionless. He kissed the back of my head and we fell asleep. I was up first and made a pot of coffee and had gone for the newspaper. The Sunday paper was extremely heavy. I toasted an English muffin and had to drink my coffee black because I didn't have any milk. Nick woke up about 20 minutes later. He had a terrible headache. I gave him so Tylenol. "Do you have any cereal?" "I do but I'm out of milk." He offered to run to the store and get some. He dressed and left and was back in no time flat. He added milk to my coffee for me and shared the paper with me. "I better go check in and change my clothes." I kissed him and reminded him to bring some clothes back with him. "We register for classes tomorrow, remember?" He smiled and he was gone.

Chapter 11

I called the girls and told them I was going grocery shopping. They were all still in bed and said they'd go later. I called Nick's house and his dad answered. I asked if Nick was there. Nick came to the phone. "I'm going to be gone for a few hours I'm going shopping." "Give me 30 minutes I'll come with you." "Okay, I'll wait." "Or, You could swing by and pick me up. This way you can meet my family." I said, OK a little tentative. "They don't bite." "Well I'll have to change my clothes then." "Don't be foolish, I'm sure you look great. "Just come over." I wrote down directions to his parent's house and was surprised where he was living. He lived in an exclusive part of Orlando. It was a gated community. I dialed his phone number and the gate opened electronically for me. I found his house and parked my Expedition and knocked on the door. His mother answered the door. "You must be Hope," she said. "I am." "Come in, I'm Nick's mother Jane." "It's nice to meet you," I said. "It's nice to finally meet you too," she said. "Nick's told us all about you." I followed her into the kitchen, she said, "Nick would be down in a minute." I greeted his dad and his brother. "Can I get you anything?" "I'm fine, thank you." Nick came flying down the stairs and smiled when he saw me sitting at the kitchen table with his parents. He sat down next to me and put his shoes on. He said, "My sisters went to the mall and I'd meet them later. I need a check for my classes dad." His dad wrote one out for him. "Nick tells us your majoring in Communications too." I said, "that's right. My dad runs a communications firm in Boston and he wants me to enter the family business. He even offered Nick a job too." "Nick didn't mention that." "He wasn't seriously offering me a job. I didn't take the offer serious anyway." We said our good-byes and I tossed Nick my keys. He helped me into the passenger side and he went around to the driver's side. We drove to Food Town and did shopping. "Once school starts you'll be spending a lot of time at my house so pick out food he wanted too." He felt funny about it and I reminded him that my parents were paying for it. We filled up my cart and I paid by credit card. "All the bills go to my dad remember?" He laughed and we paid for the groceries and loaded them into the back of my Expedition. We carried in the groceries and put them away. We sat down and Nick watched some sports show on my TV. I continued to read the paper. "Do you want to go to a movie later? I asked. "What's playing?" "Double Jeopardy with Tommy Lee Jones and Ashley Judd. Do you like Tommy Lee Jones?" Nick said he did. "3:30 is the next showing." We agreed to go. "We have to go to my parent's for dinner though. I kind of promised them without asking you." I felt my stomach tighten into a knot. "OK, that will be fine I managed to say." "Don't be nervous, I have a great family. Besides you've already met everyone except his little sisters." I said, "OK, I'll go." My phone rang and it was Annie. She invited Nick and I to a barbecue tonight, but I had to turn her down. "I'm having dinner with Nick's family." I sat down next to Nick on the couch. He could hear Annie's excitement. She was happy for me. "It's just dinner." "Meeting the parents is a big thing." "I already me Nick's parents. Hey, I have to go, we're going to a movie." "WHAT! You met the parents?!" "Yep, I'll talk to you later, bye." I hung up while Annie was still trying to get information from me. Nick said, "You have some pretty amazing friends to be so supportive of you." "I ams certainly blessed." Nick took me to lunch and then we went to the movie. It was pretty good but we both expected more. The ending was really good. We drove to Nick's house and everyone was there. Nick's mom made a turkey dinner. "Nick said it was your all time favorite meal." I looked at him and smiled. "You didn't have to go to all this trouble for me." Nick said, "oh yes she did. "We laughed. We all took each others hands a Bob led us in prayer. "Thank you Lord for this food you have set before us. Bless it to our bodies so that we can be strong in you. Father, thank you for sending Hope back into our sons life. In Jesus dear name we pray, Amen." Bob started carving the turkey. I met his three sisters, BJ, Leslie and Angel. Who is Aaron's twin. I don't think they look like twins but oh well. Nick and I monopolized the conversation with our trip to Newport. "My parents were planning a trip to Florida and we've got you all together when they come. My parents can be overbearing but they mean no harm. They insist on paying for everything so don't feel bad if they appear to be throwing their money around. I'm all they got so they have tons to spend." They laughed as I defended my parents. I guess it was funny. "Hey Aaron, I got to drive a Land Rover and a Mercedes." Aaron thought that was cool. Nick talked about his taking the boat over to Block Island and Jane excused herself from the table. Nick kept talking, BJ went into the kitchen after her mom. I followed clearing the dishes as I went. Jane was crying and BJ was trying to console her. I felt like I was intruding. Jane held her arm out to me and I walked over to her. She apologized for crying she said, "it was great seeing Nick so happy again." I told her I completely understood. "Nicktold me about Elizabeth." She looked shocked. "He trusts you Hope. Your name truly fits what you've given him. Hope." I smiled I now had tears in my eyes. "Oh don't you start crying now too," Jane said. "Nick would never forgive me." We walked back in and Nick was still talking about the trip. Jane and the girls had also baked apple and pumpkin pie. I was in heaven I said.

Chapter 12

We finished our dessert and we drove back to my place. I took a shower and changed into my pajamas. Nick showered too. The barbecue was still going on outside so we changed and walked out to join them for a little while. Everyone asked how I liked meeting Nick's parents. "His entire family was wonderful. Nick's mom made me a huge turkey dinner." "Did you bring any leftovers home? "They are in the refrigerator." He looked at me. "Help your self." He came back with the huge concoction. White bread with turkey and mashed potatoes under gravy. He sat there and ate every bite. I just had to laugh. "Where did all the food go?" I asked He rubbed his stomach. "I love Jane's cooking," he said. "Where does it go after you consume it? You're so skinny." "It goes to his fat head," Nick said. Brian said "hey, watch it now." I am so tired I'm going to bed now. Annie and Nancy had already gone up to bed and Julie was just saying good night to Kevin. Nick said he'd be right in, he wanted to talk to the guys for a minute. Once Julie left they were all sitting together and Brian commented on how happy Nick is. "It's really great to see you this way." Kevin said he was thinking the same thing. "I found love again. I'm afraid I'll mess it up some how." AJ said, "we all learn from our mistakes. It's those mistakes that make us into who we are. So I can plainly see how much you both mean to each other. I don't think you have anything to be afraid about." "I don't want to do anything to jeopardize this relationship with Hope. You know we haven't even slept together yet." At first they didn't believe him. Then Kevin said, "Nick you don't have to sleep with Hope in order to prove your love to Hope. She knows you love and care about her. Wait until you are both ready." "I am ready but I'm scared." "Then you are not ready, wait until you don't feel afraid. It will be better if you wait," Brian added. Nick thanked them for listening and they all embraced. Nick found me asleep on the bed with the ceiling fan going full blast. He got into bed beside me and fell asleep. My alarm went off at 5:30. I woke Nick up and told him it was time to get up. I turned on my closet light and picked out some clothes. I dressed and put on some make up and told Nick to get up again. He finally did. I made some scrambled eggs and bacon. Nick was complaining that I needed to eat more than an English muffin and coffee for breakfast. We sat down and had breakfast together. We left the house at 6:30 and headed for OSU. Nancy's car was already gone. We arrived at the school and parked and stood in line for registration. It would still be another 10 minutes before registration began. Nick wrapped his arms around me I was cold. The sun wasn't up completely and it was chilly. Finally the line started moving and 25 minutes later Nick and I were at the front of the line. We got in to all four classes together. We also signed up for Spanish. We paid our dues and went in search of our friends. We found them in the bookstore. They had gotten into their classes too. Nick and I looked for our books and picked them up. School started the Tuesday after Labor Day. We had one week from tomorrow. Nick didn't have but one check so I charged his books on my card and he said he'd get a check from his parents. I said that was fine. I bought the books and once we caught up with everyone we decided to go to lunch. We met a small café at 11:30am. It was early for lunch but considering we'd all gotten up so early it was time to eat again. We ordered and talked about the classes we had taken. Brian was in school to be a teacher. He'd be a great teacher he has the best personality. AJ was taking business classes with Kevin. They hoped to start their own business some day. Annie was taking classes to become a lawyer. Nancy and Julie were both taking classes in international finance. I told them between the eight of us we could start our own business. Annie could handle the legal and AJ and Kevin would run it and the rest of us would sit on our hands. They laughed. We paid the bill and split up. Nick promised his brother that they'd spend the day together. I dropped him off at his parent's house and kissed him good bye. He told me he'd call me later. I drove home lost in my thoughts. I pulled into my parking stall and walked to my apartment. My phone was ringing. My mom said she was in town. "Oh really, when did you arrive?" "Last night. Daddy wanted us to go to lunch." I apologized and said I'd already eaten. "I had to register for school and we ate early. Where are you staying, I'll come over." She gave me the name of the hotel and I made my way to them. I was really happy to see them both. They had ordered room service. I apologized, "had I know I wouldn't have eaten." They said it was OK. I gave dad a check for Nick's books. I told him what had happened. He was not concerned. I showed them around Orlando. We went down to the pier and walked around. We took a trip out on the water and when we came back went to dinner. I drove them back to the hotel and mom gave me a few things she'd bought for me during her travels around the globe. She even picked up a chain for Nick. It had a gold cross on it. "Oh, he'll love it," I said. I looked at the clock it was almost 9. "I better get going," I said. I kissed them both good night and drove home. I walked into the apartment complex and Nick was white as a ghost. "Where have you been?" I just looked at him. Brian asked if I was all right? "Yes, what's going on?"

Chapter 13

"Nick came by about 6pm and I wasn't home. Well the news came on and said a woman was killed today when her green Expedition flipped on the freeway about 1pm." My heart sank to my feet. I'd left Nick about that time to come home. "I'm so sorry," I said. "My parents are in town. I've been with them all day." Nick was shaking, he thought it had happened all over again. I looked at him and smiled, "I'm all right. Don't feel sad now." "I tried to tell me that it wasn't you. The expedition had out of state plates." I thanked Brian for staying with him and brought Nick into my apartment. I turned on the lights and Nick went into the bathroom and freshened up. He came out and said, "if I had lost you I wouldn't have survived it." "You didn't lose me and he wouldn't lose me. Do your parents knew where you are?" He seemed to come out of his trance and picked up the phone and called his parents. "Hope's OK, she's been with her parents." He said a lot of I knows and hung up. "Do you wantto stay the night again?" He nodded. I walked back to take a shower. I changed for bed and Nick took his shower. I was sitting on the bed and told him my mom and dad had bought him something. He looked surprised. I handed him the box. He opened it and saw the gold chain with a cross. He slipped it over his head and played with the cross a little. "I like it very much, thank you." I showed him the jewelry my mom had bought for me. He thought they were nice. I put them on the night table. "My parent's want to take your family out to dinner tomorrow night." "I'm sure that would be fine." "It's a dinner cruise. Daddy saw this boat today and made reservations for all of us. He rented out the whole boat." Nick laughed, "I can just imagine what your wedding will be like," he said. I smiled at him. "They mean well, this is how they make themselves happy," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything bad by it." We went to sleep. Nick was up before me. I was catching a cold and didn't feel too well. Nick made me some chicken soup and stayed in bed with me most of the day. I felt better around 4 and dressed for dinner. Nick had called his parents and told them where and when to meet us. How's Hope, is there was anything I cand do?" Nick said he had it all under control. We met everyone on the wharf and our parents were already inside at the bar getting acquainted with each other. I laughed and told Nick that this should be really interesting. The boat was ready to leave and we all walked outside and boarded. Everyone looked so very nice. The dinner cruise would be 4 hours. We left the pier and headed out to sea. They dropped anchor and we were served dinner. I didn't each too much, my stomach was still upset. Our parents got along great. Even though my parents were much older, they still bonded. Mom and dad invited everyone up to Newport anytime they wanted. They had more than enough room for everyone. "They aren't kidding either." Bob and Jane had invited my parents to their house for lunch tomorrow. It would just be the four of them. Nick and I went out on deck to get some air. "This is nice," he said. "It is I've never done this before," I confessed. "I'd like to spend a day getting to know your parents." I told him that on Thursday they'd be free. Since they were spending the afternoon with his parents tomorrow. "What do you want to do?" I asked. "We could take them to the aquarium and around the pier and to lunch. I don't know, I would just like to get to know them." I said it sounded good to me. Aaron came out on deck. "Your not going to jump are you?" We laughed. "Why would we do that?" Nick asked. We told Aaron we were going to the beach tomorrow and invited him to go along. He said, "that would be fun, he'd bring his girlfriend." We were pulling back into the pier so we all went inside. We exited the boat and my parents invited Nick's back to the hotel for coffee. "We'll bring everyone home if you want to go." They agreed and we all thanked my parents for a wonderful evening. "Mom, I'll call you in the morning." We all piled into the Expedition and I drove to Nick's house. We went inside and Nick pulled me upstairs to his bedroom. "Were you serious when you asked me to move in?" I said "yes, I'd love it if he were there with me all the time." "Good because I haven't been able to think of anything else since you mentioned it." I told him to back a bag. "Let's wait until after your parents left." "Nick, we are adults and they wouldn't care." He packed a few things and he followed me in his truck. We found the brat pack, as we call them, all sitting outside on the deck chairs. They whistled at us because we were dressed up. Nick went over to them and I went inside to change. I came out and Nick had his shirt unbuttoned and his tie wrapped around his hand. "Nick was just telling us about your evening," Kevin said. "It was really special." Nick said, "AJ moved in with Nancy." "It doesn't surprise me." AJ laughed, "Nick's been staying with you." "I didn't mean anything by it, I said it didn't surprise me." Nick went in to change and when he didn't come out 40 minutes later I said good night to everyone. I walked in and found candles burning in my bedroom and two glasses of Champagne sitting on my dresser. Nick walked out of the bathroom and smiled.

Chapter 14

I asked him what was going on? "I'm trying to set the mood for tonight." "What's going to happen tonight?" He blushed, "I'm going to make love to you." "Are you sure?" "I've wanted to for so long, and now I'm ready." He led me to the bed and removed my FUBU jersey and shorts. I stood before him naked. He removed his boxers and tee shirt and gently laid me down on the bed. He kissed me and caressed my body. "Nick I love you." He kissed me so passionately I had to break off so that I could breathe. He entered me and my body arched in response. He was so gentle and so pleasing. Once we climaxed he fell on my body and I felt him shake. He was so quiet. "What's wrong?" He said, "nothing, I'mjust so happy." I rolled over and straddled. "Are you ready for more?" I felt him respond on command. Nick came again and I rolled off of him. I wrapped up in his arms and we fell asleep. We woke up in the same position the next morning. There was someone knocking on my door. I wrapped in my robe and answered the door. It was AJ. "Are we still going to the beach?" "Yes, come in we'll be ready in a few minutes. Nick and I overslept." AJ followed me into the bedroom and caught Nick putting his boxers on. "So you finally consummated your relationship huh?" I ducked into the bathroom and left it to Nick. I showered and dressed in my swimsuit. Nick said, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't take out an ad in the Orlando Chronicle." AJ laughed, he slapped Nick on the back and said, "I'm glad you've found someone special." I walked out of the bathroom and Nick went in and showered and changed. I made us an omelet and we shared a glass of milk. "You guyes act like honeymooners." I laughedand smiled at Nick. I said, "we are just in love." Nick called Aaron and told him we'd be buy to pick him up in 20 minutes. We loaded up the back of my car and headed over to pick up Aaron. AJ and Nancy would meet us at the beach. We picked up Aaron and drove down the street to pick up his girlfriend Sarah. We headed to the beach and met up with everyone. Nick's friend Howie was in town from Miami so he was there with his wife. After the introductions were done Brian said let's play volleyball. We split into teams and played for a while. We beat the other team. We had the most competitive players. Nick, Aaron, Brian, Annie, Sarah and me. We headed into the ocean. Nick stayed behind and I walked down with Aaron. "Did you know that Nick is afraid of the ocean? Aaron asked. "He doesn't like sharks." "But he has a tattoo of a shark." "It's kind of a respect thing." I laughed. We swam out into the ocean and body surfed a few waves. "Do you think you and Nick would ever get married?" "I see myself with Nick, but marriage? I don't know. It's too soon for that. I don't know. Maybe someday." "I love my brother and this is the happiest I've seen him in a long time." I told him that Nick makes me just as happy. We headed back to the beach and I sat down and Nick wrapped a towel around me. "Where did everyone go?" Nick pointed out into the ocean. "They're over there." I could barely make them out. I looked at Nick , "Do you want to go in?" "Okay." Aaron asked, "Aren't you afraid of sharks?" He just shot Aaron a glance. "Nick there arn't any sharks." Aaron grabbed Sarah's hand and we all walked into the ocean. We eventually caught up with everyone and body surfed and just played around. I could feel that I was starting to burn and headed back to shore. Nick came with me. He rubbed some lotion on my back and shoulders and I rubbed some on him. "Do you have any regrets about last night? he asked. "No, last night was wonderful." He leaned in and kissed me. "Are you hungry." "A little. I'm really thirst though can you pass me my water?" "I'm going to the snack bar, I'll be right back." Eventually everyone came back to shore and asked where Nick was. "Guess?" They all said the snack shack. I laughed. Nick came back with two burgers and an extra large diet Pepsi. He said he bought me a hamburger. He sat down next to me and we ate while the others went to the snack shack for their lunch. Once everyone was finished we played another game of volleyball and headed back to our apartments. We played in the pool. Nick was such a child around his little brother. Aaron brought out the child in all the guys. He had them all doing back flips and funky dives. It was a lot of fun watching them. I got up to go shower but Nick and Aaron ambushed me and threw me in the pool. I tried to get out but Nick kept pulling me back in. Finally I was allowed to get out and go in and shower. Nick came in a few minutes later and joined me in the shower. "I had fun today." "I did too Nick." We showered and dressed and took Aaron and Sarah home.

Chapter 15

We stopped in and talked to Nick's parents for a few minutes and asked how things went with lunch today? They commented that my parents were very nice people and they had a great time. "Did they invited them you north?" "Yes, as a matter of fact they did." I elbowed Nick. He smiled, we both knew they would. "When are you going?" "Next month," Bob said. Now I laughed out loud. "They wouldn't take no for an answer," Jane said. "You'll enjoy it, trust me,"Nick said. "I picked up your pictures so I already saw the house, it's beautiful." "We're going to head over to see Hope's parents now. I'll talk to you tomorrow." We left and drove over to my parent's hotel. They were surprised to see us. We invited them to spend the day with us tomorrow. "We'd love too." "We'll be by to pick you up around 10 then. Is that to early?" I knew it wasn't. Dad's been getting up everymorning at 5:00am for years. "That's fine," they said. I talked to mom while dad and Nick went out on the terrace and talked. "He makes you happy, doesn't he Hope?" "Nick makes me very happy. How did lunch go with Nick's parents?" "They are delightful people. They are coming up for a visit next month." "That would be nice." Nick and dad came in off the terrace and dad had his arm draped over Nick's shoulder. That made me smile. "What are you guys up too?" I asked. "Just business that's all, dad replied. We said good night and Nick and I left. We were driving home and Nick said, "your dad is after me to work for him. He said something about opening an office here in Orlando." "Really, he said that?" I asked. Nick said, "he likes me for some reason. Or is he this way with..., what I mean is is he always this way?" "It's not hard to like you Nick. And no, he doesn't offer jobs to everyone of my friends." He smiled and squeezed my thigh it made me jump. "Oh, so your ticklish are you?" He said. "Nick, not while your driving," I said. He pulled into the carport and resumed tickling me. I bolted out of the car and ran to the apartment door. Nick was right behind me all the way. I managed to get the door open and he guided me into the bedroom where he made love to me again. "I love you so much, Nick. I sometimes wish I could climb right inside your chest. That's how close I want to be." "I love you too Hope." I got up and showered off and wrapped in my robe. I went and locked the front door and when I came back Nick was already asleep. I just sat there watching him for a few minutes. I grabbed my sketchpad and sketched his face as he slept. He looked so peaceful. I put the pad away and climbed into bed and fell asleep next to him. I woke the next morning to the smell of coffee permeating through out the apartment. I got up and dressed. Nick had made pancakes for breakfast and was reading the paper when I walked into the kitchen. I kissed him on the head and he wrapped his arm around my waist. "What's so interesting in the paper this morning?" "Nothing much." I looked at the section of the paper he was reading, Sports, well that figured. I walked into the kitchen and dished out a pancake and poured myself a cup of coffee. Nick said, "there is syrup in the kitchen." "I know it's weird, but I like my pancakes plain." I broke a piece off and popped it into my mouth. He laughed and said, "that was weird." The phone rang it was my mom, she wanted to know if we were going to pick them up or if they should come here. I told her we'd pick them up. She made a comment about not seeing my apartment. I invited them to come and pick us up. Nick looked a little nervous. "What's wrong I asked him?" "Do they know I live here?" He asked. "No but we're adults Nick, they're not going to say anything." We started to clean up a little, Nick vacuumed the floors and I loaded the dishwasher. We had just finished dressing when I heard my parents knock on the door. I opened the door and welcomed them in. Nick came out of the bedroom and kissed my mom and shook my dad's hand. "Are we ready to go I asked?" "Let me look around first, Hope." "It's a small apartment mother," I pointed behind me and said kitchen, I pointed to the left and said living room, I pointed around the corner and said bedroom and bathroom. "Are we ready to go?" She laughed, daddy said, "I wish you'd let us buy you a house." "I'm happy where I am." Nick was going to drive my Expedition. We headed down to the pier first and walked around for few hours. Mom loves to spend money so we made frequent trips to the car. We stopped for lunch on the boardwalk. Dad and Nick got along really well. Dad was still trying to get him into the family business. I said, "dad what if Nick and I break up? Will you still want him in the family business?" Nick looked at me so strangely. "We not, but it's just that I'm jealous. Dad your spending all his time talking to Nick." Nick squeezed my hand and daddy winked at me. "I just think Nick has a great head on his shoulders, I apologize for making you feel left out." We headed over to the aquarium and walked around. Nick insisted on paying and wouldn't take no for an answer from anyone. "This was my idea, I invited you." I bought Nick a stuffed shark. He said he liked it. We took my parents back to my apartment. My mom wanted to lie down for a few minutes. "She can't walk for long periods of time without getting too tired," my dad said. "It just comes with age." Nick and dad watch TV and I worked on the laundry. About an hour later mom was up and asked for some water. She wanted to go to the mall. I laughed. We drove down to the mall and mom proceeded to purchase things for Nick and I. Finally we went back home and I fixed a spaghetti dinner. About 7:30 mom and dad went back to the hotel. After they left Nick said, "I hope I have a marriage like that someday." "You can Nick. If you try hard enough."

Chapter 16

Nick smiled and kissed me. We changed into our swimsuits and went for a swim. It was just the two of us in the pool. We were lost in each other and didn't notice AJ sneaking up on us. He jumped in and scared us. He came up through the water screaming his head off. Nick dunked him under the water and that started the antics. It wasn't long before Brian, Kevin, Annie and Nancy were in the water. Julie just sat out shaking her head. I joined her at the table. 'I don't know how Nancy puts up with AJ." Julie said, "he's a lot of fun and Nancy is just as wild." The guys were having a lot of fun and before you knew it all the girls were forced out of the pool. "Kevin is throwing a party this Saturday night for Labor Day weekend." "Really?" We were talking about what we were going to wear and general plans. Nick came up behind me and sat beside me. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "Kevin's party." I said. "We were all going it would be fun. It's the last hurrah before school starts." My parents were leaving Saturday morning. Nick and I were going to take them back to the airport. I went in to take a shower and Nick came in about 20 minutes later. I was lying on the couch watching something on TV. He came in and rubbed my shoulders and headed for the shower. Nick came back and lay down on the sofa with me and we watched ER. I love this show. After ER we went to bed. We didn't have any plans tomorrow and planned on sleeping in. I was still up early even though I didn't have to get up. I made coffee and an English muffin and read the paper. I got dressed and left a note for Nick that I was going up to Annie's apartment and to call me when he wakes up. I knew Annie would be awake she's up with the birds all the time. I brought my coffee with me and she was reading her paper. We sat on the balcony and just chatted about everything. "I'm so happy for you and Nick. I can't remember you ever being this happy." "He does make me happy. How are you and Brian?" "We are good he's so romantic. He calls me every morning." I watched as my apartment door opened and Nick waved to me. I waved back. "Annie said, " go, he's waiting for you." I picked up my coffee cup and went back to my apartment. "How did you sleep?" I asked him "I slept really well." I sat down with him as he ate his cereal and we decided to spend a lazy day by the pool. I changed into my swimsuit and went out to the pool. I lay on my back and quickly fell asleep. Nick had been rubbing me with his hand as he read the paper. I woke to the sound of our phone ringing. Nick answered it. "Hello?, Hi Aaron." "Hey Nick, I was wondering if we could spend some time with you today?" "Of course, I'll be right over to get you." Nick returned with his brother about 30 minutes later. They were very close I missed this experience and reveled in it with them. I was an only child and to imagine sharing everything with four other children was something I couldn't even conceive of doing. They sat around telling me stories about their upbringing and Holiday's and other memories. It was so surreal. I told them about my Holidays. "My parents usually invited the family over and since they were all so much older than me, I was never around many people who were the same age as me. So people usually tell me that I appear much older than I am." Nick and Aaron had the exact same appetite. Nick interrupted me and asked, "Do you want to go to lunch with us?" I said, "no, you go with your brother and have a good time." "Are you sure?" "Of course I am. Go and have fun." They were gone until well past dinnertime. I was beginning to worry now. They finally made it back to the apartment and Nick said they had gone to play miniature golfing. "How fun, it would have been nice if you called though." He apologized. "You guys act like and old married couple." Nick started joking about not being able to find his teeth. I thought it hilarious. Aaron and Nick, two peas in a pod. I took a shower and got into bed while Nick drove Aaron home. I had fallen asleep by the time Nick got home. He woke me up and apologized again for being gone all day. I said, "stop treating me like your old married spouse."

Chapter 17

The rest of the weekend was a blur. We took my mom and dad back to the airport and promised we come up to visit. Kevin's party was fun but I was tired of it pretty quickly and we left early. We went out and lay on the beach staring at the stars. It was much more romantic and relaxing too. Sunday we just lay around all day not really doing anything and Monday we went back to the beach one last time. School starts tomorrow and our days would be packed with studying. Tuesday morning we woke up and ate breakfast and headed off to school. Nick and I had the first four classes together. We would try and sit next to each other. The first week was great we had our classes and we were doing homework together we were eating lunch. It was nice. "Hope, let's have lunch on Wednesday. I have something personal to discuss." I explained to Nick that I wouldn't see him at lunch. As the school year went on somewhere in the middle of October Nick's parents went up to visit my parents. During that time Annie moved out and moved in with Brian. Brian had gone to Kentucky for a long weekend and Annie asked me to stay with her. It was the first time she'd stayed at Brian's by her self and she was nervous. "It wouldn't be a problem." Nick for some reason got all upset. "You're putting your friends before me." " Where is this coming from?" I asked him. "I' under a lot of pressure and had hoped to study this weekend." "Come and stay with us, I'm sure Brian and Annie wouldn't mind." He got mad and said he'd stay at his parents house. I didn't particularly like the fact that he went back home but I figured he'd get over it. I met him at school Monday morning and he was very cool towards me. He really hurt my feelings. He wouldn't even wait for me before he walked to the next class. I met up with him at lunch break and he said he was going out with friends. "Nick,to talk to me." He just walked away. I sat with Nancy and Julie and told them what was happening. "I just don't know what to do." "It sounds like Nick is going through a rough time. Just give him space." So I did and it backfired big time. Nick moved out a week later. I was devastated he wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't return my phone calls. I sat in class stunned. He wouldn't even look at me. It was a few days later that I realized I was late for my period. I kept it to myself. I'd been late before and I was over emotional. Two weeks later the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant. I called Nick and Jane answered the phone. "I need to talk to Nick and it was very important." Jane came back to the phone, "I'm sorry hope, he's asleep." I begged her to have Nick call me. "I'll tell him when he wakes up. Is everything alright?" "Everything is fine," I said without must convincing. I was almost two months pregnant. My due date was June the 15th. Nick never called me and then I got really angry. I decided to ignore him completely. He sat behind me in all my classes and I asked to have my seat changed claiming I had a hard time seeing the chalkboard. I boxed up his belongings and gave them to AJ and told him to please deliver them to Nick. Everyone was shocked. We were so in love and they couldn't understand what had happened between us anymore than I could. I flew home for Thanksgiving and was just miserable. My parents didn't know what to do. I wore baggy clothes hoping to hide my pregnancy for as long as I could. I returned to Orlando at the end of Thanksgiving weekend and didn't bother to tell anyone I was home. On Monday morning I sat in my first class and noticed Nick wasn't at school. My mind was racing and I was really worried. He wasn't in the next 3 classes either. So during my lunch break I called Nick's house and spoke with Aaron. "Hi Hope, how are you? Aaron beamed. He was happy to hear from me. "I'm good, why wasn't Nick in school today?" Aaron said," he has the flu and would probably be out the next few days. "Nick has his things. Um, he has stuff for you too. When can I bring it over?" "I have no plans. I'll be home after 2. Aaron? Has Nick told you why he broke up with me?" "No, I was hoping you'd tell me." I was trying not to cry. "I have no idea. And I miss him. He doesn't even look at me anymore." Aaron said, "I'll be over later to talk to you." I went to my last class and drove home. Annie, Nancy, and Julie were waiting for me. They wanted to take me out to get my mind off Nick. I reluctantly agreed. "Aaron's coming over and then I'll be ready." Aaron came by about an hour later. Nick had given me everything back. My keys and the necklace my mom had given him. I just cried when I saw the items in a box. "Aaron I don't know why this is happening. There wasn't anything I could put my finger on I told him." "I will try and talk to Nick and find out what was happening. You looked tired." "I'm exhausted." He only stayed about 10 minutes. I called Annie and told her I changed my mind. I stayed in bed instead. The next month was hard for me. My parents were after me to go home for Christmas but I was starting to show a little and didn't want her scrutiny. She won out and I hopped on an airplane on December 23rd.

Chapter 18

During those two weeks that I was there no one noticed my weight gain. My dad said I looked fabulous. Nick's parents called and wished us a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. "How's Nick?" "He's pretty miserable. I tried to talk to him, but he just won't say a word." "I still loved him with all my heart." I handed the phone to my mom and ran up to my room. I was miserable and so far from him. I flew back home on January 5th and was surprised to find Nick at the airport. At first I didn't see him. I had my head down. Once I did see him I figured he was there for someone else so I kept walking. He caught up to me. "Hope, wait up a minute." I turned to see him and my heart skipped a beat. "Happy New Year, how was your trip?" "It was OK." "Did you check any luggage?" "Yes." He walked with me to baggage claim and retrieved my bags for me. We walked out to my Expedition and put my bags in the back of the car. "I miss you Hope." "I miss you too. Why did you leave me Nick?" I was sobbing uncontrollably now. "I had some issues to work out." "Issues we couldn't work out together?" I asked. He just looked down. He said, "You look pale are you all right?" "I'm pale because you broke my heart." I walked around and tried to open the driver side door but dropped my keys. He came up to me and picked up the keys and opened my door. "Why are you here Nick?" I asked. He said he had to see me. I got in the truck and started the engine. "It's late and I'm exhausted." "I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow." I had to pull off the road twice. My vision too blurry to see the road. "Why now is he back? Three months without a word and now he just wanted to see me?" I drove home and carefully slid the bags out of the back of my car and into the house. It would be the last long trip I would take. All I know is that I'm going to have to tell my parents soon. I went back to school and found that I'd done pretty well on my exams. Nick hadn't done so well. Nick walked me to my classes but I still sat away from him making only small talk. I called my dad. "Hi dad, how are you?" "Fine sweetheart, how are you?" "Oh, I've been better. Listen dad, I was thinking about buying a house." "Okay, have you found one yet?" "No, but I think I'm ready." "I'll contact me broker and get back to you with some properties." "Thank you dad, say hi to mom. I love you both." "We love you sweetheart. Talk to you soon." I hung up the phone and began my studies. Around 7:30 Nick knocked on my door and asked if he could come in. I told him that it wasn't a good time. "Is someone there?" "No, I'm studying. What do want Nick?" He seemed so lost and I wanted to just reach out and hug and kiss him, but he hurt me. I'm carrying his child and I didn't want that to be the reason we got back together. "I think we should talk." I walked out to the pool and we sat at the table. He made some small talk but nothing I didn't all ready know. "I need to get back to studying." He tried to kiss me good bye. I turned away. He left with tears in his eyes. I went inside and went to bed. My hormones were really getting the best of me. I finished out the month with little contact with Nick. On February 1st I had my ultra sound. I was five months along and really starting to show. The ultra sound confirmed I was going to have a baby boy. I cried just thinking about my unborn son. Daddy called me with four properties that I would see after school. Annie stopped me after school one day and told me I should start working out because I was getting a little chunky around the middle. She reached out to pat my stomach but I recoiled. Her eyes grew wide and I started to cry. We sat down and she asked, "how far along are you?" "5 months," I told her. "Is this why Nick left?" "Nick, doesn't know. I don't want him to know. Is it really obvious?" "Now that I really looked at you, yes it's obvious." "I going finish up this quarter then I wouldn't be back. You have to promise not to tell anyone. For God sakes I haven't even told my parents yet." She was surprised. She held me. "I so scared Annie." "Look out, here comes Nick." Nick walked over, Hope, are you all right?" I wiped my eyes and told him I was fine. I told Annie I'd call her later. I practically ran to my car. I sat behind the wheel exhausted and in tears. I could see Nick walking towards me so I started the car and left before he was close enough to talk to me. I found a nice 4-bedroom home with a large family room. It was on a really nice street with lots of kids. It had a pool that was fenced so I felt really comfortable. My parents flew down and signed all the papers and took me out to dinner. I was almost 6 months along now and decided I had better come clean. I just blurted it out. "I'm pregnant with Nick's baby and he doesn't know." Daddy dropped his fork. I just started crying. Mom wrapped her arms around me, "It's going to be all right." Daddy of course didn't understand why I wouldn't tell him. "I'll tell him when I was ready." After the shock wore off they were excited they were going to be grandparents. The house I chose was vacant so I could move in at any time. Daddy went home and mom stayed behind packing things up and making arrangements with the movers. Mom and I decorated the nursery in a sports theme. I was finishing up my last month of school when I was finally all moved into my new home. Mom had bought me everything I would possibly need for the baby. Annie came over and couldn't believe how much I was showing now. "It's time to tell everyone," she said.

Chapter 19

I decided to have a house warming party and invited Annie, Nancy and Julie. They would each bring their dates. It would be on St. Patrick's Day. So we should all wear green. It would be potluck because I wasn't about to cook for everyone. Brian and Annie were the first to arrive. Brian couldn't believe it when he saw me in maternity clothes. "You're pregnant?" he said. "Almost 7 months. "You knew?" She nodded her head. "I guess I'm surprised Nick didn't tell me. Is this why you broke up?" "Nick doesn't know and I don't want him to know right now." Brian was flabbergasted. "How can you keep this from him?" He said. "How could he walk out on me the way he did?" I was near tears now. He apologized and hugged me. "Congratulations, but I still think you should tell him." I took them up to the nursery and Brian really loved it. "It's a boy?" He asked. "Yes it's a boy." The doorbell rang and Annie ran down to get it. Brian and I talked a little and we heard AJ's voice. Brian called down and told him to come upstairs. AJ walked into the nursery and said, "what's this for?" Then I turned around and saw Nick standing next to him. I dropped my head into my hands. Nick took off running he was devastated. I sat in the rocker. Brian said, "I knew this would lead to no good." Nick had come with AJ so he wouldn't get far. I got in the Expedition and drove after him. He was almost out of the tract. I pulled over and got out. He said, "what the hell is going on here?" He was crying and waving his hands. " Is this mine?" he said pointing to my stomach. I said, "it's your son." He stopped dead in his tracks. Unable to move. "How could you not tell me? How could you do this to me?" I sat down on the small decorative wall that lined the property. I said, "you left me remember? You wouldn't talk to me when I tried to tell you back in September. You made it perfectly clear to me that you wanted nothing to do with me. Without even telling me why. So don't play these games with me damn it. This hasn't been easy for me." I stood up and walked over to get in the car. But I was out of breath and couldn't move very fast. Nick jumped up and ran to the driver's side and held me. I was sobbing uncontrollably again. I said, "Nick I can't do this. I can't have you in and out of my life. I love you too much." I opened the door and got in. I placed my head on the steering wheel and cried. I was having a hard time breathing and he opened the door and told me to move over. He drove down to the beach and we sat on a blanket like old times. "Nick why did you leave me?" I asked him. "I was scared. Things were going really well, too well and I was afraid of losing you." "So you dump me? I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense." "I was jealous. I wanted you to myself, but you... I don't know what to say." "I wasn't going anywhere? What did I do to give you that impression?" "It was my fault." I suddenly remembered that I had guests back at the house. "Nick I have got to get back. I have guests." He helped me up and drove me home. They were all relieved that we were OK and not hurt. We'd been gone for over 2 hours. Annie and Julie cornered me in the kitchen and asked if I was OK? "I'm fine, but I'm really tired and I'm just going to lie down for a minute." I walked upstairs and had to rest on the landing. I continued up the stairs and I felt a sharp pain run up my leg and through my back. I sat down on the step and Nick and Brian were at my feet. "I think I over did it," I said. Nick said, "we got to get her to the hospital." I said, "just let me rest a minute." Nancy got on the phone and called my OBGYN, she asked me how far along I was. "7 months," I said looking into Nick's eyes. She hung up the phone and said we have to bring you in. I dropped my head to my chest and started to cry. I can't lose this baby I said. "It's all I have left." Brian helped me up and Kevin went and got the car. Nick lifted me up and carried me out to my Expedition. Brian drove while Nick held me in the back seat. "It's going to be okay, I'm here now. I'm so sorry I caused you so much pain." I was put on a gurney and taken into the ER. Nick asked, "Can I come along." "The nurse asked, "are you the father?" "Yes, I'm the father." "Come on then." The nurse helped me remove my clothes and Nick was so surprised to see my stomach. The doctor said there was no bleeding so that was a good sign. He checked my vitals and said my blood pressure was a little high. Then he did and ultra sound. Nick was in tears as he saw his son for the first time on the monitor. He even got to hear the heartbeat. The doctor said I had over done it with the move and he was ordering me on bed rest for the next three days. He then wanted to see me back here again. Nick helped me get dressed and I was wheeled out to my car. Brian was relieved everything was OK. "Annie can you stay with me the next three days?" "Of course." Nick said he would stay with me. "I'm just not ready for that yet." He looked disappointed. We drove home in silence and AJ, and Kevin and the girls were still there. "I'm all right," I said as I walked through the front door. Brian took Annie home to pack a few things. Nick filled them in on the bed rest and followed me up to my bedroom. He helped me into bed and noticed the drawing I had made of him on the side of my bed. He picked it up. "Is this me?" "Yes, you were sleeping." "When did you do this?" "It was long time ago Nick." I emphasized long. "We can work through this can't we? " "I don't want this baby to be the reason we got back together." He tried to assure me it wasn't. "I came here tonight to try and patch things up with me. I had no idea you were pregnant." I lay back on the bed and he removed his shoes and laid next to me. That's how Annie found us, asleep in each other's arms.

Chapter 20

The next day Nick called his parents and told them the news. They were surprised. Nick went home and packed some things and stayed with me for the rest of my pregnancy. Three days later the doctor gave me a clean bill of health. Nick didn't want to finish out the semester but I made him do it. I stayed at home most of the time. My mom called a few times a week to check on me. Bob and Jane came by to visit me and to bring me sweets. "I'm sorry for not telling you. Nick just didn't seem to want me in his life and I didn't want this baby forcing him into a situation he didn't want to be in." "We understand Hope." I was entering into my 8th month now. I was uncomfortable all the time now. Nick and I are taking Lamaze classes. "I sure hope this helps," I said. Nick and I seemed to pick up where we left off but I didn't trust him 100% like I did before. It was hard for me. He came home one day and proposed marriage to me. I said no and he was crushed. "Nick I'm not going to marry you just because I'm having your baby," I said. "I'm going to marry for love and trust. Right now I don't trust you." He got mad and stood up and started to walk out of the room. I said, "see this is what I'm talking about. Instead of facing your fears you run. This is why I don't trust you." He turned around and came back to me. "I don't know what else to do. I love you but I can't make you happy. It's killing me inside." "I love you too but it's going to take some time." Annie and the girls threw me a baby shower and I got all sorts of neat gifts. The games were a lot of fun too. My mom flew in and a few of my aunts did too. Jane and her daughters were there. It was great fun. I let Nick stay and he doted on me. Then my mom asked when we were going to get married. "Nick asked but I said no." Everyone stooped talking and Nick was embarrassed. I said, "At one time we talked about being happily married and we hoped to be married as long as you and dad. But he took it all away when he left me." Nick got up and left the room. Before he completely left I said, "but I do trust him again. I know he loves me and I know he knows I love him." He stopped and turned around to face me. "If he were to ask me again I do believe I would say yes." Nick took off upstairs and I heard him overhead. He came running down and got on his knees. "Hope, will you marry me?" I said, "yes." He leaned in and kissed me and everyone was clapping and crying at the same time. He kissed my stomach and kissed me again. "I love you Hope Campbell." "And I love you," I said. After that we had cake and ice cream. I went upstairs to lie down. I was really tired. Nick came and lay down beside me. I told him to go and enjoy the party. He wanted to be with me. Eventually our friends and relatives came upstairs and saw the nursery and popped in to say goodbye. Nick and I fell asleep. I woke up because our son was throwing a fit in my stomach again. He was hungry I guess. I stood up and went downstairs and fixed a sandwich. I heard Nick come downstairs too. "What the matter?" He asked. "The baby is hungry." "Huh?" I told him to come closer and I laid his hand on my stomach. He felt the force that this boy was kicking me with and he got the widest smile I've ever seen on his face. "How long has he been kicking like this?" "Since the 5 month." His smile faded as he realized he'd missed out on so much. "Are you hungry?" He sat down with me and made a sandwich. We went back to bed and I could feel his hot breath on my neck. I said, "Nick? I love you." He squeezed me tighter and sleep consumed us both. The last month was a horrible month. I had so much energy but wasn't allowed to do anything. Nick was gone half the day in school. He had gotten a pager so I could let him know when and if I went into labor when he wasn't home. On June 15 at 1:40am I woke up with really bad cramps. I woke Nick up, "I think the baby wants out." I had my bag in the car already. I wasn't about to do it if Nick wasn't home. Nick called the hospital and told them we were on our way. He helped me to the car and drove to the hospital. By the time we got there I was in so much pain. I couldn't barley stand it. I had an IV put into my hand and an oxygen mask placed over my nose and mouth. I couldn't stand it and kept removing it. To top it all off they kept calling me Mrs. Campbell. Which only made me think of my mom. Nick said, "please call her Hope." After 18 hours of labor we welcomed our Son at 7:49pm on June 15th. He was definitely a Carter. He had big blue eyes and lots of blond fuzz on his head. He had his daddy's lips. "I'm so in love with this little guy,"I said to Nick. Nick kissed me on the head and he said he was proud of me. Nick called his parents and told them the good news. I called mom and dad and they cried. Mom was planning to come at the end of the week but she'd be out in the next couple of days. I told her not to change her plans. It would give Nick and I time together as a family. Nick looked over at me and smiled. They told me they loved me and would see me on the weekend. The next morning we were overwhelmed with visitors. They all said the baby looked like Nick. We named him Matthew Nickolas Carter. He was passed around to everyone. Brian was in awe of this little miracle. So perfect and healthy. Matthew was given a clean bill of health and we took him home on June 18th.

Chapter 21

Those next few days were magical. Nick is a wonderful father. Matthew is a good child. He has made me whole. I have decided to nurse and it's the most beautiful way I can think of to bond with my son. It's an intimacy that Nick will never know. The guys came by today. Brian brought Matthew a basketball. "It's so cute." We took pictures because the basketball is so much bigger than Matthew. Once Matthew is old enough we will show him these pictures. Bob and Jane came by for a little while. "He looks just like Nick did. The same big eyes and blond fuzz that Nick had." My parents flew in on Friday and were overjoyed. Mom bought a huge stroller for me. She was so happy to see Nick too. She kissed him and told him she loved him. They would only stay the weekend, they were off on another of their trips. She was having the household help stay on. They would only been gone two weeks. Over the next few months Matthew thrived. He was smiling all the time now. After three months he was sleeping through the night. We moved him into his crib in the nursery. He had been sleeping in a cradle on the side of our bed. Nick and I decided to get married on Sept 29th. It was a small church wedding, much to the dismay of my mother. It was what I wanted and as long as I was happy she was happy. Matthew's first Christmas was unbelievable. He is 6 months old now and between the grandparents we shouldn't have gotten him anything. He received more toys and clothes than he'll ever use. I started packing things up one night and Nick walked in. "What are you doing?" "I'm saving things for the next baby." He got a small smile on his lips. He said, "you forgive me?" I nodded and told him I loved him. We both returned to school in the fall. I had some classes to make up and Jane agreed to watch Matthew. When Matthew was 2 Nick and I both graduated OSU with a degree in Communications. Dad true to his word broke ground on July 18th. He would build a Communications branch in Florida. AJ and Kevin would be running the office and Nick and I would be working for them. Kevin felt funny about it but I didn't. The plant would take another 6 moths to complete. In the meantime Kevin and AJ were in Boston learning the ropes. They'd commute home on the weekends. AJ and Kevin were both engaged to be married. Brian was teaching 3rd grade at an Elementary School. He loved his work, he loved kids. Annie was still in school. She still had another year to go and then would take the bar exam. Matthew was about to turn 2 when I told Nick that I was pregnant again. He was thrilled he would now have the opportunity to experience all that he missed with Matthew. The first three months went by uneventful. The second trimester Nick was able to see all the changes I was experiencing. He wondered how he could have missed it before. By the third trimester he was giddy. Every time the baby kicked he would act like he just got a gift he'd waited his entire life to receive. I was about 7 ˝ months along when the news came that my mother was seriously ill and it didn't look good. Nick, Matt, and I boarded an airplane against doctor's orders and flew to RI. By the time we got to the hospital she had passed away. I was crushed, daddy was just a shell of a man. He brightened up a little when he saw Matt running to him. "I'm so sorry," he hugged my dad. I looked at daddy and just cried. "I tried to get here daddy, I really tried." I hugged him and he said he knew. My mom was buried three days later. Nick and I stayed with dad for another week. "What am I going to do now?" dad asked. How do you answer a question like that? They had been married for 53 years. "Move to Florida, where you can be closer to us." He said , "I'll think about it. I just can't want to leave her." I kissed him goodbye and Matthew was crying hysterically he didn't want to leave his grandpa. We finally got him in the car and headed back to the airport. He fell asleep in my arms. We flew home and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I had stopped working all together. Nick still worked but he wasn't real happy about leaving me. My water broke when Jane and I were out shopping for the baby. She called Nick on her cell phone, "Hope's water just broke. Meet us at the hospital." BJ took Matthew and I waited for Nick in the delivery room with Jane. My labor was quicker this time. Nick arrived in time and stood beside me again. I delivered another son, Brian Michael Carter. Nick was in heaven he had two sons. Our joy was short lived when news came that my father had died. They found him in his bed. He had died in his sleep. Nick and I along with our sons flew back to RI for the 2nd time in 4 months and buried my father. My parents left everything to me. I was an only child and therefore sole beneficiary. I had no idea what I had. The empire that my parents had built would see my grandchildren's children would live a comfortable life. Nick stopped working and stayed home with me full time. It was nice having him with me all the time now. Matthew was a hand full and I knew I wouldn't have the quality time with Brian that I had with Matthew if Nick didn't stay home. Nick traded in his pickup truck today for a Venture van for me. Nick always drove my Expedition anyway. We turned in early as Brian and Annie were getting married tomorrow.

Chapter 22

Nick and I got ready for Brian and Annie's wedding. He said I looked more beautiful than the bride. You had to love him. I grabbed Brian and Nick carried Matt out to the van. Everyone looked so handsome. We arrived at the church a little before noon. Nick took Matt in search of Brian. Annie was a wreck, she'd waited so long for this day and she wanted it to be perfect. "Don't worry about it. "Your wedding will be everything you hoped it would be." I nursed Brian and Nick came and knocked on the door. He kissed Annie, "I'm so happy for you both. Brian is really nervous too." "Nervous? Why's he nervous? Is something wrong?" Annie asked. "No, nothing's wrong. He just wants it to be perfect for you." We left and Nick went forward to stand up for Brian. Matt was the ring bearer and Annie's niece was the flower girl. The wedding was beautiful. Nick, AJ and Kevin sang Endless Love A Capella. It was beautiful. Nick would wink at me during the service. It made me smile to know that he loved me so. The ceremony ended and we headed over to the reception. I stayed a little while and headed home, as the boys were exhausted. I kissed Annie and Brian and stayed for one dance with Nick. I have to go." Brian was fussing and Matt is tired. "I won't stay long." Nick helped me put the kids in the van and he told me to drive carefully. "It's coming down really hard. Are you sure you don't want to wait?" "I'll be fine. I have to get the kids to bed." I waved good bye and headed for home. Matthew was out cold and Brian was real fussy. I leaned back to try and give him his pacifier. I couldn't quite reach it. I leaned too far and ended up losing control of the van. All I remember was tumbling over and over again. When I came too I was in the hospital. My head hurt and I had my eyes bandaged. I tried to sit up and that's when I heard Nick's voice. "Nurse, Nurse!" The nurse came rushing in. I tried to speak but couldn't. "Your jaw is broken," Nick said. "Don't try to speak," the nurse said. She called for the doctor and I heard a man come in. I reached up to touch my face but my hands were held down. "Don't move Hope," Nick said. I wanted to know about my boys. Nick didn't say anything about my boys. I pulled my arms up in a rocking motion. Nick said, "the boys were fine and they were with my mother. They were lucky they were in their car seats and only received scratches." The doctor told me he was going to remove my bandages but he wanted me to keep my eyes closed. If I understood squeeze his hand. He began to unravel the bandages. I felt the bandages fall away and the doctor spray air or something at my eyes. "Now very slowly open your eyes." I remember it being very bright. My eyes were very blurry. "It should be very bright, maybe a little blurry, but that should correct in a few minutes." He shined a light into my eyes and said my eyes were fine. I still couldn't focus very clearly. "I'll be back in about 30 minutes." I was starting to see clearer. I noticed my left leg in a cast and my purple foot poking out of the top. My hands and arms were all scratched and bruised. I started crying. "You are going to be all right." Nick tried to kiss me but my face hurt so much too. I reached up to my face and Nick held my hands down. I looked at him pleading with my eyes for him to tell me. "Your nose is broken and the windshield had shattered and glass had to be removed from my eyes. My left leg was broken in two places and my jaw was broken. But the boys are fine." All I could do was cry. The doctor came back. "Can you see better now?" I nodded that I could. "Good, a few more days in here and we'll get you released." I looked at Nick. I indicated that I wanted something to write with and the doctor gave me a pad and pen. I wrote; "how long have I been here?" "You've beenin a coma for 3 days." "What about my nose?"I wrote next. "Your nose had be reset and would be painful but it be good as new." "And my boys are fine?" "Your children are perfect." I said, "thank you." "If you have anymore questions write them down when I remembered and he'd be back to see me tonight." I wrote another question, "What day it was?" Nick read my note and said, "Wednesday." Brian and Annie were married last Sunday I thought to myself. I just cried and Nick tried to comfort me but he couldn't because everywhere he touched me I hurt. I spent the next three days in the hospital. Matthew was afraid to look at me. I was bruised so badly. Jane kept bringing him though and he eventually got used to seeing me. I didn't want Brian to see me so I would a blanket over my head and Jane would bring him into to nurse three times a day. I was finally released after spending 2 weeks in the hospital. It would be another 4 weeks before my jaw would be healed and about the same for my leg. Nick helped me into the Expedition. I looked at him and he said "the van was totaled." We arrived at home and Nick had set up a bed for me in the den so I wouldn't have to climb the stairs. He was so good to me. My bruises and scratches were healing and I was in better spirits now that I was home. With the aid of crutches I was able to maneuver around the house pretty well. After two weeks I still didn't have the nerve to look in the mirror. Nick helped me take a real bath once I got home. He lowered me into the tube and wrapped my cast in a garbage bag. Once I got in he elevated it on the side of the tub. He washed my hair for me I felt good for the first time in two weeks. He dried me off and helped me get dressed. He'd become Mr. Mom over night. He fed us and bathed the boys and put them down to bed. Nick came and lay down with me on the bed. "If anything had happened to you I would have died myself." I just looked at him and rubbed his face.

Chapter 23

Brian and Annie returned from their honeymoon. They had no idea what had happened. They were shocked when they heard. I assured them I was fine. I was just trying to steal their thunder. I was finally able to tell Nick what had happened. "You should have just let Brian cry." "The next time I will." We drove out to the place where my van went over the side. We were all so lucky to be alive. It was a good 30-foot drop. "I remember the rolling I told Nick." We went and got a new van a few days later. Nick traded in the Expedition for a newer one. Things seemed to be getting back to normal in our lives again.

The next four weeks were slow and somewhat painful. My jaw was unwired and my cast removed. I walked with a slight limp now but at least I had mobility again. The doctor had me do some exercises to strengthen my leg. My face had all but cleared up completely. My nose actually looked better than it did. My voice was quite hoarse for a few days. Nick said it was deep and sexy. We'd weathered a lot together and I was lucky to have him in my life. Matt had just turned 3 and Brian would be 1 in a few months. We were planning our trip to RI. Now that I was able to move around we thought it would be nice. We invited Brian and Annie to go along. We love it up there so much. I called ahead and had the house readied for our arrival. Nick liked to make fun of me when I called like that. "It's like we are Royalty," he said. We took the boys out on the boat. Nick and Matt at the helm they looked so cute. Brian was a handful. He was sort of walking now and hated to be carried. We took them over to Block Island for the day and really enjoyed ourselves. They were exhausted by the time we got back and slept right through dinner and into the next morning. I was so worried I don't think I got much sleep that night. I hadn't been able to enter my parent's bedroom. It seemed so surreal to me that they were not here anymore. Nick and I stayed in the room I grew up in. Nick and Brian took the boys out one day and Annie and I decided that we'd go through my parent's things and start donating stuff to good will and other charities. Annie came across a strong box,"Have you ever seen this before?" "No I haven't, I said. She handed it to me and it was locked. I grabbed a pair of scissors and pried the box open. I found baby pictures of myself and some papers. Annie looked them over and said, "These are adoption papers." "Adoption papers?" I said. "Who was adopted?" "You were." she said. All color drained from my face. "It's an open adoption and the names of my parents are listed here." "What? This has to be some sort of a joke," I said. Annie had tears running down her cheeks. "It's no joke. "God, it makes perfect sense now." "What are you talking about?" I asked her. She said,"Your mother died earlier this year she was 74?" "That's right, what about it?" "Hope you are 25, which means your mother would have been 49 when she gave birth," Annie stated. I never even thought about it. "Oh my goodness, why didn't they ever tell me?" I asked. I got up and went downstairs. Annie followed me with the papers. I made myself a cup of coffee and read the papers over and over again. Nick came home and noticed I was upset. I just fell into his arms and cried. Annie took the boys upstairs and Brian followed her. "What's was wrong?" I told him I was adopted. He didn't seem surprised. "You knew?" I said. "It seemed obvious because of my parent's age. I just thought you didn't want to talk about it so I never asked about your biological parents." "I didn't know. I mean, I questioned them but the said that they were my parents and that was it. We've got to find my birth parents," I said. Nick didn't think it important. "Everything I know about myself is a lie. Our boys, what about our boys. I don't even have a true medical history." "We'll find them, don't worry." I was devastated. Annie came back downstairs. "I went to pick up the mess we'd made and I found this letter addressed to you." It was in my dad's handwriting. I couldn't open it. I made Nick do it. The letter said, " I tried many times to tell you were adopted but I couldn't. I loved you too much. Besides, just because mom and I didn't conceive you, doesn't mean I'm not your dad. We loved you and gave you everything you wanted and needed. We are your parents. However, as of June of last year both my parents were still alive and living in Connecticut. They had communicated with them over the years and kept them abreast of my accomplishments. They'd welcome your to visit anytime. We just didn't want to lose you Princess. We loved you too much to let you go. You're a mother now and maybe you can understand how we feel, even just a little." He enclosed a picture of my parents and their address and telephone number. "Please do not to be upset at what we did. We did it out of love." I sat frozen as if my father had spoken the words himself. My entire life was a lie. I wasn't a Campbell. I was a Davidson. Nick corrected me and said, "you're a Carter." "I've got to call these people." Nick handed me the cordless and said, "there's no better time than the present." I dialed the number and a man answered. I asked if I was speaking to Douglas Davidson? He said I was. I said, "I'm Hope Campbell, I'm your daughter."

Chapter 24

"Hope?" The man said. I said "yes. Both my parents, well my adoptive parents have died and I found this box with my adoption papers in it." He didn't respond. "Is this true? Are you my father?" He said "yes, I am your father." I hung up the phone and cried into Nick's arms. I said, "it's true. He's my father." Nick just held me and let me cry it through. Once I was able to control myself I called him back. I told him I had children and I was really concerned and wanted to find out about my health background. He said, "You have siblings. If you would like to meet everyone we could get together." "It's too much for me at this time. The news is just sinking in now." We decided that I would meet him tomorrow at 2pm. I hung up the phone and started dinner for the boys. "Are you all right?" "I don't know what to think about all of this. It's like my entire life was a lie." "Do you doubt your parents love?" "No, but what else have they kept from me? That's what hurts. I feel like we've lived in some big lie." "In time you will forgive them." "Will I?" We both got the kids fed and bathed and we put them to bed. Nick had taken them outside for most of the afternoon and Matt was pretty tired. I took a shower and Nick joined me. "We haven't done this in a long time," he said. It felt nice I told him. We made love and Nick told me everything would work out for me tomorrow. "I'm very nervous." "Do you want me to come?" "What would we do with the boys?" I asked. "Sophie, the housekeeper could watch them, we wouldn't be long." "I'll ask her in the morning." Nick and I fell asleep. Brian woke up at 2:30am and I went in to feed him. I finally got him back to bed and went to back to bed myself. Nick's hands started roaming my body, I couldn't help but laugh. "What's so funny?" "You woke up horny." He then straddled me again and made love to me. He told me he loved me. "You're the only one that hasn't lied to me. Promise me you won't ever lie to me?" "I'll never hurt you." We woke up around 7:15. Matt was awake and wanted cereal. "Stay in bed I'll take care of it." As I went to stand up he pulled me down and kissed me. "I love you," I said. With that Matt and I raced downstairs. 20 minutes later Nick came down with Brian. We spent the morning horsing around inside. Nick tried to keep my mind off my meeting this afternoon. I talked with Sophie and she said she'd be glad to watch the boys for us. Nick and I left around 1:15 and drove to the address I had written down. They lived in a town called Coventry RI so we had to find it. We pulled up in front of a two-story colonial style house. Nick and I got out and Nick grabbed my hand as we walked to the front door. An older man opened the front door with tears in his eyes. "Hope? He asked. I said "yes." He was fighting the urge to hug me and I turned and said this is my husband Nick. They shook hands and we were invited in. I met the woman who was my birth mother. We were identical in every way. Same height same color hair and eyes. It was almost as if I could see myself into the future. We both started crying. I wouldn't let go of Nick's hand. They invited us to sit. My birthmother, Carolyn, spoke first. "I suppose you want to know why we gave you up for adoption?" I nodded my head. "You are the youngest of 7 children. At the time I came along they simply couldn't afford to keep me. I used to work for your mother and father and my mother offered to adopt me so that I would be close and in a good family. My husband, got transferred when you were 3 and we've moved to Connecticut." She had a huge hatbox. "Your mom sent me letters and photos every month." She took the lid off the box and set it on the couch. I looked through a few and saw my school pictures and copies of report cards and even a picture of Matthew. "If we could have afforded you we would have kept you. We've loved you all these years." "What about my health history?" "We're all healthy, no heart disease or cancer." She showed me some pictures of my siblings. I had 4 brothers and 2 sisters. "They knew you were coming today and I made them promise not to come by." My father Douglas asked, "Maybe you could come by one night this week with your family and meet all of them?" I looked at Nick who really wasn't saying much. "Can I get back to you about that?" "Of course, we understand where you are comin from. You are so beautiful. It was the saddest day of my life when we had to give you up for adoption. We were barely making ends meet with the other 6. I felt I failed as a man." "I don't hold any of that against you. You did what you had to do. I was well taken care of. I was loved." "We knew the Campbells would love you and provide for you. That was our saving Grace." I looked at Nick and said, "We'd better get home to my children." They looked up at me puzzled. "We have two children now. Two boys, Matthew and Brian. I handed them a baby picture of Brian." They said, "he was very handsome." I looked at my mother and asked, "Is tomorrow night was too soon for dinner?" She smiled and said, "no, it wasn't too soon." I hugged them both and Nick and I returned home. The boys were both being fed when we walked in. Nick and I didn't talk much. I mostly leaned on him and cried. Seeing my boys certainly brightened my spirits. I thanked Sophie for taking care of them. She said anytime. Nick and I got them ready for bed and we turned in early.

Chapter 25

I tried to explain to Matthew that we were going to meet his new grandparents tomorrow. He kept getting them confused with my adoptive parents. So I told him he'd see later on. The day really dragged. I made a couple of pies. I had all this nervous energy and had to do something with it. Nick said, "I know what would relax you." "Why all the sex lately?" "I want another child." "I'd still have to go off the pill. He might want to converse with me next time and let me know of his intentions." "I enjoy practicing." "Is this really a good time? Are you sure you want another child?" "Don't you want another child?" I said I did. "Brian's walking already. I missed having a baby that liked to be hold." We put the boys into the car and again drove to Coventry. We had a much harder time parking the car this time. Cars were lined up and down the narrow street. We parked around the corner and Matt and Brian walked with us as I carried the pies. We walked towards the house and the door flew open. I was nervous and just smiled. I told Nick to please stick close to me. He wrapped an arm around my waist and we all walked in. My mom looked at my boys and said, "they look just like their father." I just nodded my head. She took the pies from me and brought them to kitchen. She came back and she introduced me to my siblings. She said from oldest to youngest, "Douglas, Jimmy, Carla, Stephanie, Steven and Peter." They all leaned over and hugged me. We were all close in age. We couldn't be more than 14 months between each child. I was introduced to the wives and the children. Over night I became and Aunt to 14 children. I was overwhelmed and happy all at the same time. We sat down to a clam bake dinner. Carolyn had also made macaroni and cheese for all the kids. They were such a lovely family and I could see the love on all the faces. I answered questions from my siblings as my parents just watched me interact. My father had his arm around my mother and was wiping away her tears. I looked at Nick and he smiled at me. The boys were in heaven. They had cousins now, and lots of them. After the dishes were cleared we sat down in the living room to talk. They knew all about me, but I didn't know anything about them. After about 3 ˝ hours we needed to go. I wished I could have stayed longer to get to know them. My parents were in their late 50's. They were very involved in all of their kids, and grandkid's lives. I felt left out in a way. The boys were exhausted and fell asleep as soon as we hit the freeway. "I'm was so sad." "Why?" I said I see what I missed out on now." Nick said, "if your parents had kept you we never would have met. Those people didn't have the money to set you up in an apartment in Florida. We never would have had Matt and Brian. Everything happens for a reason. How do you plan on pursuing this?" he asked me. I don't know." "We 're supposed to go back to Florida on Monday." "I know, I just don't know what to do." "It's so freaky how you and Carolyn look so much alike. You're definitely a Davidson, there is no doubt in my mind." "I thought I was a Carter?" He squeezed my thigh and said, "I was definitely a Carter now." We carried the boys inside and put them to bed. I took a shower and sorted through the pictures Carolyn gave me of my siblings. Nick had taken our camera's along to record the evening too. I sat in bed watching the video. Nick came back from checking on the boys and lay down next to me. "What are you thinking about? he asked me. "What my life would have been like had they kept me," I said. The Davidson's were not wealthy people by any means. They were strictly working class. None had gone to college, which leads me to believe I never would have gone either. "let's go to bed." I turned off the VCR and TV and laid my head on his chest. I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. Nick was asleep in no time. I lay there for an hour and removed the video from the VCR and took it downstairs. I turned on the monitor in the boy's room so I'd hear them if they woke up. I watched the video over and over. I couldn't help but wondering what my life would have been like. I fell asleep sometime during the video. Nick found me on the couch around 5am, "come back to bed." I vaguely remember going upstairs. I woke up when Matt crawled into bed and wanted to eat. Nick was still asleep and Brian was awake. I brought them both downstairs and fed them. I was heading back upstairs to dress them when Nick met me at the top of the stairs. "Are you OK?" "I'm fine, I'm just going to dress the boys." Nick picked up Matt and gave him an airplane ride to his room. Nick took the boys outside to play and I got dressed and decided to write my other family a letter. I explained that I had a lot of issues to work through. I wasn't mad or even upset, just mostly confused at the role they would all have in my life now. Especially my children's lives. I told them that I was going home back to Florida on Monday and would keep in touch. I enclosed our family Christmas picture. Christmas was less than a week away now. Once I got that letter in the mail my spirits lifted.I went outside and played with the only real family I've ever known to be honest and true.

Chapter 26

We returned home to Florida and filled in our friends the big secret that was uncovered. Annie was worried about me. I told her they were actually very nice people. Brian said, "You are extremely lucky." "How is that?" I asked him. "You had two sets of parents that loved you enough to do anything for you. A lot of kids don't even have one single parent who will do that for them." "It's just hard for me to let them in like they've been in my life all along." "I understand, but first of all they have been in your life. You just didn't know that. Your parents kept them informed of everything. I just don't see what it would hurt." I told him about the letter I sent before we left. "Good, you are setting boundaries. That's a good thing. The Lord will help work it all out for you. Just lay it at his feet and you will feel so much better." "I feel a lot better just talking to you." Nick was outside. "Nick just doesn't understand. He thinks that just because they are my biological parents I should just let them in my life. I'm too scared to do that. I don't know these people and I don't want to have my kids or even myself get emotionally attached to them and have a falling out." Brian said, "you are right to take it slow. You stay in control, you're right it's your families well being that we're concerned about." "Not to change the subject but when are you guys going to start a family?" He just flashed me that huge smile and said soon. "We're working on it." I gave him a hug and cried. "What are you crying for?" I said, "I'm just so emotional and I have so much thrashing through my head." He held me and Nick walked, "What was wrong now?" Brian said, "We're talking about the Davidsons." "That again? Come on Hope, get over it all ready." I looked at him in total disbelief. "Get over it?" I said. "How can I get over the fact that for the last 25 years I had 6 siblings out there and the people I thought were my parents weren't my parents? Why can't you understand my pain?" I cried. "I'm just tired of hearing about it." I ran upstairs and closed and locked the bedroom door. "Your an ass Nick. "What's wrong with you?" "She acts like she's got some disease she's going to die from or something. So she's adopted, big deal. She's had a stellar life, a better life than she ever would have had with the Davidson's. Now she has an opportunity to know these people and she's confused? I have to listen to this everyday." Brian just shook his head and said, "I can't believe you." He called Annie in and said it was time to go. "Why are you mad?" Brian said, "when you figure it out, call me." Annie walked in and noticed the tension and asked where I was. Brian said, "she's upstairs. Crying, alone and confused. With no one to support her here." Annie went up to my room while Brian waited out front for her. I let her in and told her, "I'm just confused and Nick is mad because I'm confused and we're starting to argue over this now." She said, "why is Brian mad at Nick?" "I don't know. I'm so scared and so confused. I don't have anyone to talk too." "That's not true, you can call me anytime." "Please don't take this wrong but I'd rather talk to Brian if that was OK with you?" She said of course. I said, "he just reaches me spiritually." She said, "he's good at that. " "Will you stay with the boys while I go with Brian to her house and watched the video?" "Go for it. I'll even fix dinner." Great I said I grabbed the video and my purse and jacket and ran down the stairs. "Where are you going?" I didn't even answer him. I met Brian in the driveway and asked him if he'd watch this video with me at his house. I told him Annie was going to stay behind with Nick and watch the boys. I just need to get to the root of this problem before it destroys me. Brian said let's go. I got in his jeep and we drove to his house. He brought me a diet Coke, it's been a staple for Annie and I ever since we met. I rewound the video and played it from the beginning. Brian was surprised at the resemblance between my biological mother and me. "You all look alike." "I think that's what bothers me the most. People always said that my mom and I looked alike but I could never see beyond the hair and eye color. Now I have a whole family that looks identical to me. I feel so left out. I feel like I was rejected even though they explained everything to me. Their lives went on and my life was all lies. It just hurts so deep Brian." He put his arms around me, "You look like you had a wonderful time together." "I felt so out of place there. I can't get beyond the fact that life just went on in that family without me. Why get pregnant if they were just going to give me away?" Brian said he couldn't answer that for me. "One day you'll have all the answers." "I feel like my heart is broken. Why didn't they want me?" I couldn't control my sobs anymore. Brian wiped my tears and I don't know how it happened but we kissed. It was so passionate and wonderful. He broke it off and said, "I can't do this." I said "oh no, what have we done?" It just made me cry again. Brian said, "I better to take you home. Let's go this was not a good idea." Brian took me home and waited in the car. I walked in and told Annie that Brian was waiting for him in the car. I couldn't even face her I went upstairs and took a shower. I felt so dirty. Nick brought the boys upstairs for their baths. He tried to kiss me but I turned away. I put the boys in the tub and cried silently as they played together. I dressed them for bed and read them a story. I kissed them both goodnight and went to my bedroom. It was only 8 PM but I was exhausted and felt so guilty for what I did. I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Chapter 27

The next morning Nick asked, "Are you still mad at mem?" "I just have a lot on my mind." He tried to kiss me and I again pulled away. "What's was wrong?" I told him I have to tell you something. I'm hoping that you'll forgive me. "What?" I told him I kissed Brian. might have well as shot him. "Your joking right?" I told him yesterday when I went to talk to him, I got so emotional and he hugged me to try to comfort me and I kissed him. He broke it off and took me home immediately. It was only a kiss and nothing more. Nick was very upset. He threw things around the room and said he couldn't believe it. I told him it just happened and it would never happen again. He packed a bag and left me. I was devastated. I called Brian after he left and told him I'd told Nick about the kiss. Brian said he told Annie too and Annie left also. I told him I was so sorry. I hung up and went to take care of the boys. I had no one to talk too now. The only parents I'd known had died. I had betrayed my best friend and my husband. Now I had to deal with my new family and the pain I had caused alone. I called Nick's parents and asked if he was there. "No, is he supposed to be coming over?" I told her what was happening and she couldn't believe it. I told her, "It was one kiss. I was upset and Nick had shut down and Brian was there. Nothing happened other than one kiss. Now that one kiss may have broken up two families." "I'll call you once I hear from Nick." Nick didn't come home until after midnight. He was very intoxicated and very loud. I asked him to be quiet as the boys were sleeping. "What do you care about the boys? You weren't thinking about the boys when you kissed Brian." I said, I deserve that." "You would kiss Brian but you won't kiss me. What the hell is that?" He screamed at me. I asked him to be quiet, please the boys are sleeping. Nick jumped on the bed and ripped my nightgown off and raped me. If you won't give it to me freely then I'm going to take what's mine." I begged him to stop. "Your're hurting me!" He covered my mouth with his hand and raped me. I couldn't believe what was happening. My life was spinning upside down and I couldn't think anymore. Nick finally got off me and I lied there until I knew he was asleep. I packed my bag and a bag for the boys. I loaded them in the back of the van and carried my sleeping boys and put them in the car. "Where we were going?" Matt asked sleepily. "on an adventure." He had been watching a lot of television lately and was excited. I pulled out of the garage and headed to a hotel by the airport. I checked in and put the boys on one bed and I lied on the other. I called the airlines and booked the first flight to Providence. My arms and legs were bruised where Nick had held me down. I sat in a hot tub crying uncontrollably. At 7am I loaded the boys' back in the car and drove to the airport. I got us checked in and we flew to back to Providence. Sophie was surprised to see me. "If Nick calls we're not here." She didn't ask any questions and she just said OK. "Can you watch the boys, there is something I have to do." I drove to Coventry to talk to my mother. She was surprised to see me. She invited me in. "Are we alone?" "Yes, what's wrong?" "I have just left my husband." She embraced me for the first time in my entire life. I just hung onto her. I can't describe how that made me feel. We sat down and she held my hand. "Tell me what happened." I filled her in on what was going through my head about not fitting in anywhere and feeling rejected. I told her about Nick's best friend Brian and how he seemed to have all the answers. I told her about the kiss and then the rape. She was devastated and felt to blame. I was now consoling her. "Where are children?" "They are here with me." "What are you going to do?" "I have no choice but to file for divorce." "Are you sure about that?" "He raped me. I realize that I hurt him by kissing his best friend but he raped me. I pulled up my sleeves and showed her the bruises." "I'm so sorry for all of this." I told her I don't know who I am anymore." "I know that I gave birth to you and I tried to give you a better life. I know that you were a happy child and that you love Nick and the boys. I don't think you should make any hasty decisions." "Would you stay with someone who raped you?" "Honestly? No, I wouldn't." "I had to go I'd been away from my boys for long enough." "I'll pray for you." I drove home and Sophie said no calls. I went in to check on the boys they were playing in the nursery. Matt asked, "when is daddy was coming?" I don't know." About three days later Nick called. "I haven't seen them, is erything was all right?" "I know that she bought three tickets to Providence." When Sophie told me that I packed the boys up and paid cash for three tickets to Los Angeles. I called Carolyn, "please don't tell Nick where I am." I gave her the phone number in case anything happened. My parents still had their house in Laguna Nigel. The boys had never been here before. They were excited to live so close to the beach. I had to go and buy toys because we'd left in such a hurry that I didn't have anything for them. I didn't know how long I'd have to hide out. I was getting scared now. I called Sophie and she said Nick was here at the house. I hung up.

Chapter 28

I called Brian and he was so relieved to hear from me. "Has Annie come back to him yet?" He said she did. "Did she forgive you?" He said she forgave both of us. "She understands what's happening and over reacted." I started crying. Brian asked, "where are you?" I told him I'd call him later and hung up the phone. I couldn't bring him into this again. I just had to go on without Nick. I was getting used to my surroundings one day when my phone rang. It was Carolyn. "Nick had just come by and was looking for me." "You didn't tell him where I was?" She said "no, she didn't tell him." She said, "he was very distraught at not knowing if you and the boys were all right. He's really sorry for what happened." "Did he tell you what had happened?" She said "no, he just said he knew he hurt you really bad." "I just need some time to be alone." The weeks flew by and I was getting used to being a single parent. It was so much harder that I ever imagined. I missed Nick so much but I couldn't forgive him. I'd been gone for 2 ˝ months. I hadn't talked to Brian in a month and a half. I was experiencing what I thought was flu like symptoms but was advised by a doctor that I was pregnant. "How far along am I?" "About 10 or 11 weeks. I cried and got dressed and left with my boys. I was pregnant and this child was conceived during a rape. I put the boys down for a nap and called Carolyn. I cried into the phone that I was pregnant. She was happy but then realized that the child was conceived during the rape. "You have to call Nick." "I can't talk to him now, not after this." I hung up and called Brian. Annie answered the phone. "Hope what's wrong and where are you?" I apologized for kissing Brian, I told her I didn't mean it. "Hope, it's okay. Please just come home." "I can't ever come home." Brian picked up the extension and asked, "Hope, what's was wrong?" I told him that day when I told Nick I kissed you, he left. Brian said he knew that. I said when he came back he raped me. Brian screamed, "what?" I told him I was now pregnant because of that rape. Annie was crying and I was crying and Brian was mad. "Hope, where are you!" "I'll call you later and hung up the phone." I was shaking so badly and crying so hard. "What am I going to do?" I am all alone in the world. I had to take care of my boys. I could barely take care of myself lately. I spent the next few weeks explaining to the boys that we were going to have another baby. Matt was excited and kept asking for daddy. I told him daddy would come when he could. Brian was getting so big now. He had changed so much. I put Matt in daycare so that he would have some interaction with other kids. Brian and I stayed home and played and I just watched my tummy get bigger and bigger. I'd been gone 5 months now. I called Brian and told him I was doing all right. "Hope you have to come home. Nick is really sorry. Please just call him. He's at his parent's house. He can't bare to stay at the house without you." "I promise I'll call him today." I hung up and dialed his parent's house. Jane answered the phone. I asked for Nick. She almostjumped through the phone. "Hope where are you?" "I told her I was fine. I just wanted Nick to know that we are all right." "Nicks not here right now." "Just tell him I called and we are all doing fine." "Nick will want to call me back." "I'll call again some other time." "Hope, it's OK to come home." "Not it's not. I couldn't ever come home." I started crying again. "Hope what happened?" "Nick raped me." She wouldn't believe me. She said her son would never do that. "OK, well I have to go get Matt, just tell him I called." I hung up before she could even respond. I packed up Brian and we went to get Matt. Matt's birthday was coming soon and he would be 4. He was so excited he had made some friends and I was planning a party for him next weekend. On the day of the party I called Jane and asked for Nick, she put Nick on the phone. I told him that Matt wanted to talk to him. Matt talked to him and I listened very carefully to what he was saying. I never taught Matt the word California, so he kept saying Florida. I knew Nick was asking him where we were. Matt put the phone down when the doorbell rang. I picked up the phone and hung it up. He now knew we were all right without him. I had invited 5 friends for Matt's party. He had his Blue's Clues birthday cake and they all had fun. I was making new friends and fielding questions about Nick. I told everyone he traveled a lot on business. I was creating a new life. When I was 8 months pregnant I flew back to Providence and left the boys with Carolyn and Douglas and went to the court building to file for divorce. I explained to the attorney that Nick couldn't know where I was living because of the rape. We used my Newport address. I called Brian and told him what I had just done. "I wish you hadn't done it." "I'm was making a new life for myself in California." "You're in California?" "Brian, please don't tell Nick. Brian please don't tell him." "Hope I have to. He's dying here without you and the boys." I told him I would never call him again and I hung up the phone.

Chapter 29

I flew back to Los Angeles and tried to forget about my phone call to Brian. I kept in constant contact with Carolyn and just tried to go on. My water broke on September 12th at 2 in the afternoon. I was all of a sudden very scared. I had no one to watch the boys. I called Jane and asked her to help me. "What is it Hope?" I was in so much pain and scared, I was scaring her. "I told her my water broke." "You're water broke? Oh God, Hope where are you?" "California," "I can't get to you in time. You have to go to the hospital." "What about my boys?" "Call 911 they'll come get all of you." "I'm so scared." "What's your address Hope? I'll be on the next plane." "Don't bring Nick. Jane, I mean it. The first chance I get I'll run." "I won't. I promise, what's the address?" I hung up the phone and dialed 911, I told the operator that I was alone with two small boys and I had gone into labor. They had an ambulance at my house in 10 minutes. I was scared for the boys. Matt got to ride up front in the ambulance and Brian rode in back with me. We got to the hospital and the asked me where the father was? "He's out of town." "Is there anyone to take care of your boys?" the nurse asked. "No, I'm all alone." "Not to worry she'd take care of them." I was wheeled into the delivery room and they said it was going to be a while before I delivered. They gave me something for the pain. I tried to rest but was worried about Matt and Brian. After 7 hours of waiting it was time for the hard stuff. I had just started to push when Nick walked in. "No! I screamed. Not him! Get him out." "Aren't you the father?" "I don't want him here, get him out." The doctor told Nick he couldn't have me upset. "Hope, please. This is my baby." I pulled the oxygen mask off and ripped out my IV, that's when the orderlies came in and physically removed Nick. The baby was breach and my blood pressure was dangerously high. They did and emergency C-section. I woke up 90 minutes later and asked what had happened. Jane was with me. "You have a little girl." I tried to sit up but was in so much pain. "Don't move." "Where is she?" I asked. "She's in the nursery." I told her I don't want him near her. "You lied to me. I needed you and you lied to me." "He's the father Hope, he has a right." "He's a monster. He raped me Jane. Did you ask him? Did he tell you?" When she didn't answer I asked where my boys were. "They are with Nick," she said. I just cried, "he raped me Jane. I know you don't believe me but he did. He raped me, how can I forgive him for that?" She was crying now too, "I believe you. Nick confessed to me when I confronted him. He's very sorry for everything," she said. "I filed for divorce," she said she knew. The nurse came in and looked at my incision, "Do you need anything for pain?" "Nothing you can give me will stop the pain," I cried. "Do you want to see your daughter?" I became so emotional and just shook my head. I looked at Jane, "How could I love her? How can I look at her knowing how she was conceived?" She said, "she is of your own flesh and blood, how can you not love her?" A few minutes later the nurse brought into me the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I looked at here perfectly round face. She was so tiny. I checked the ten toes and ten fingers. "She's wet," I told Jane. Jane changed her diaper and handed her back to me. I was crying, I said, "she looks like Nick too." I lied her down on the bed and she started crying. I asked Jane to please take her. I made my way out of bed and locked myself in the bathroom. I got down on my knees and asked God how I was going to get through this? How can I keep her? I felt like I was hit over the head. I was putting my child in the same position that I was in. Of course I could keep her. She's my daughter. I would never put her through the pain that I am going through. I lifted myself off the floor and opened the door. The nurse had taken her back. "Where is she?" I asked Jane. "They took her to the nursery." I started to walk out of the room. Jane said, "Hope your bleeding." I had ripped some stitches but I didn't care. I wanted my daughter. I walked out into the hall. "Which way to the nursery?" I asked the nurse. She pointed down the hall. I headed in that direction and then the nurse noticed the blood. She tried to stop me but I kept going. I heard her call for an orderly. I rounded the corner and walked into Nick and the boys. Matt ran into my arms and I dropped to the floor. I heard him saying daddy is here. That's all I remember. Nick picked me up and carried me back to my room. They closed my incision. I woke up a little while later to see Nick sitting at my side holding our daughter. I was sedated and couldn't move. He said he named her Nicole and hoped I didn't mind. My tears just rolled down my cheeks. I loved him so much, but how could I forgive him. I stopped fighting the drugs and went back to sleep. They made me stay 5 days before they'd let me take Nicole home. Nick filled out the birth certificate. "Come back home Hope." I ignored him as I got into a taxi with Nicole and left him standing at the curb. I got home and Matt and Brian were so happy to see us. We took pictures of the boys holding Nicole. Jane had gone shopping for clothes for Nicole. I just assumed it would have been another boy. Nick parked my car in the garage and walked in the front door. Jane said the doctor wanted me to rest. I told her I'm a single parent now and there was no way I could rest with three kids now. "You are not single parent." "Yes I am." "We have to talk." "Talk to a lawyer." My doorbell rang. It was the neighbors they had come to see Nicole.

Chapter 30

"She's beautiful." Mary looked at Nick and said, "you must be the proud father." Nick said he was the father. "There is no denying that. Look at these kids? They all look just like you."

She laughed and Jane introduced herself as the proud grandmother. The doorbell rang again, this time it was Brian and Annie. I left the door wide open and walked away. They followed me inside and I headed upstairs. I couldn't move very fast and had to stop because of the pain. I decided it wasn't worth ripping my stitches again and walked down the stairs. Mary realized that she had interrupted something and quickly left. "I'll call you later" and went to lock myself in the bathroom. Annie stuck her foot in the door. I just cried in her arms. "I'm so sorry for everything. Can you ever forgive me?" "I did 9 months ago." "My life is over Annie. What am I going to do?" She sat on the floor of the bathroom and we cried together."I really need to lie down." "Is there a bed on this floor?" "No, just a couch. Get me to the couch." She called for Nick, I said "no, not Nick but it was to late." "She needs to lie down." Nick scooped me off the floor and took me to the couch. He put me down gently on the couch and kissed the top of my head. I batted him away. Jane brought me some Tylenol to help with the pain. "How long have you been here in California?" I said, "for 7 months. We stayed the first three weeks in Newport." "I called the house and they said you weren't there." I ignored him. He said, "Hope I called." "You also raped me, what was I supposed to do? Invite you back with open arms?" "I'm so sorry I'll never do that again." "Oh I know that won't ever happen again. You'll never touch me again. "Do you realize that Nicole was a child conceived by a rape?" I tried to get up, I was so angry. "How am I supposed to get through her life knowing that? God Nick, I loved you enough to admit that I'd made a mistake. I kissed Brian, I didn't sleep with Brian. You didn't want to talk about my problem anymore. You left me alone to deal with a very emotional problem." I was pacing the room now. They were all begging me to sit down. Nicole started crying. I picked her up and she was wet again. I walked into the nursery and changed her diaper. Nick followed me. I sat in the rocker and nursed her. She was sensing my anger and my milk would not let down. I said Nick, "she doesn't want me." I refastened my bra and put her in the crib to cry. I walked out of the room and Annie and Brian had left to go check into their hotel room. Nick handed the baby to Jane and carried me up the stairs, he asked, "which one was my bedroom?" I wouldn't tell him, "Hope damn it which one?" He said. I pointed to the doors at the end of the hallway. He placed me on the bed and looked at all the pictures of him I had in my room. There must have been about 40 pictures of us together. He went downstairs and brought Nicole back to me. He said take a deep breathe and just relax. He sat next to me and slipped in behind me. It just felt so good to be next to him. Nicole started nursing. She ate and we all fell asleep. I was on Nick's chest and she was on mine. Jane carried the bassinet upstairs and took Nicole off my chest and laid her inside. I didn't wake up but Nick did. Jane kissed him on the head and closed our door. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I woke up to Nicole's cries. Nick told me to stay where I was. He slipped out from behind me and picked Nicole up. "She's wet," he said. "I'll be right back." Brian and Annie were downstairs. Annie came upstairs and she sat on the bed and I just hugged her. "I'm so sorry, if I lose your friendship I'll die." "You'd never lose my friendship. What's going on with Nick?" "I fell asleep, and that's all. I was still going to file for divorce." I looked in the doorway and Nick was standing there. He had heard what I'd said. He walked in and handed me Nicole and left the room. I handed Nicole to Annie, "Will you be the baby's godmother?" She said she'd be honored. "Is it OK if I asked Brian to be the godfather?" She said of course she walked and called Brian upstairs. He made his way to my bedroom. "Will you be Nicole's godfather?" He said "no, and walked out of the room." Annie called after him, "Brian?" She followed him out of my room and I could hear them talking. "I don't feel comfortable being the godfather when Nick and Hope's marriage was ending." Jane came up with a tray for me. I told her she'd read my mind. "Where did Nick go?" She said he was packing to go back to Florida. "Are you going too?" "Do you want me to go?" "No, I wanted you to stay." I heard Matt and Brian crying downstairs. "What's going on?" I asked Jane. Nick is saying good bye to his sons. My tears started falling and I got out of bed. "Hope get into bed." I brushed by Annie and Brian in the hallway and made my way downstairs. Nick had gotten in a taxi and headed for the airport. I grabbed my keys and got into the truck and took off after him. My stomach was killing me. I could see the blood. I'd ripped my stitches climbing into the Expedition. I had no idea what airline Nick was taking. I called home from the car. "Is he leaving from John Wayne or LAX?" I asked "Hope come home before you hurt yourself." "Which airport?" "John Wayne. United Airlines flight 56." I left the truck in the tow away zone and went inside.

Chapter 31

I found the flight on the monitor it was leaving from gate 4. I went through security and made my way to gate 4. Nick had already boarded. I saw him go through the door. I begged the agent to go get him. She said she didn't even know if he was on the airplane. I lifted my shirt and told her I'm bleeding and I need my husband please go get him before this airplane leaves. She ran down the jet bridged and came back with Nick. "What are you doing here? He lifted my shirt and carried me out to the truck, which was still there. "Where are the keys?" He drove me to the hospital. They told him I had only pulled them and not ripped them. They cleaned me up and sent me home. Nick carried me back upstairs to my bedroom. The boys were glad to have us both back. I made Nick promise to never leave me again. I kissed him so passionately it brought tears to his eyes. "Can you ever forgive me?" "I don't know. Nick, you raped me. You promised me you would never hurt me." "If I could take it all back I would." "But you can't Nick. What's done is done. We have Nicole now. I'm so scared Nick. She's the product of a rape." Nick and I stayed in that bed for the next two weeks. I finally felt as if I could move around enough and not be in any pain. Nick had taken the boys to the park and Jane and I were sitting at the kitchen table. She asked if I was going to divorce Nick. "I don't know. I'm trying to forgive him but I'd never be able to forget how Nicole was conceived." "My son is not a monster. I know the act of rape is monsterous, but I can't make myself believe Nick raped you out of hate. I know that sounds weird. It's strange to hear myself say it. But my son loves you. He always has and he always will." "It means so much to have you here with me. Now that my mother was gone I missed having someone to confide in." "Promise to come to me no matter what the problem? And I'll promise to try to remain impartial." "You didn't believe me when I told you Nick raped me. You don't know how much that hurt me." My eyes began to blur with tears. "I was all alone in the world with no one to turn to." She laid her hand on mine. "I'm so sorry." The boys busted through the front door and into my arms. They were getting so big. I wasn't having a very good day because it was my birthday and no one remembered. Brian and Annie had gone back to Florida. She hadn't called me either. Nick noticed a change in my demeanor but I assured him I was just fine. Nicole was up from her nap and was hungry. I was breast feeding her when my phone rang. Jane handed me the phone and said it was Carolyn. I took the phone,"Is everything all right?" "I get to wish you a Happy Birthday. It's the first time in 27 years. I have never been able to say those words to you." She was very emotional and I couldn't help feeling the same way. "Thank you for remembering." "Do you have any plans?" "no, I have no plans." She asked about everyone. I told her everyone was fine. "Why are you so down?" "You are the only one who remembered my birthday." I started crying. Jane and Nick were both watching me. "Both my parents are gone now and I miss getting a card and a gift something to validate me. Now I get nothing, it just hurts. I'm really tired, I'm going to lie down. I'll call you tomorrow." I took Nicole upstairs and finished nursing her. Jane came upstairs, " are you all right?" "The day is almost over, I'll be fine." I asked her to take Nicole I was going to try to sleep. She carried Nicole out of the room and closed the door. I cried myself to sleep. I woke to a ringing phone and picked up the receiver the same time as Nick. It was Annie. She said, "Happy Birthday." I said, "thank you, you're the second person who remembered that today." "What do you mean by that?" "Carolyn called this afternoon and wished me a happy birthday and now you. I have 4 hours left." "Nick didn't remember?" "No, he didn't remember." "I'm sorry I wished I could be there with me. When are you coming home?" "I am home." "Your not coming back to Florida?" "I really didn't see the point." "What about Nick?" "What about Nick?" I said. "He has a life in Florida, have you decided what you're going to do?" "I was just trying to get through my first birthday without my parents." "I can't believe Nick forgot, men are so typical." she said. "It hurts too much to talk about it, how's Florida?" "The weather is really nice. They were expecting their first Hurricane." "Oooh, I certainly don't miss that." We both laughed, "it's was nice to hear you laugh again." "When will you come back to visit? I'm so lonely," "Why don't you lean on Nick?" "Nick didn't want me to lean on him. That's what started all this. I loved him so deeply but I'm fighting to keep my sanity at the same time. How can I forgive a rape? How can I forget the reason I have Nicole?" Annie said she'd try to rearrange her schedule, she was really worried about me. "I told her I'd never do anything foolish. I love my kids too much." She said Brian was home. "I'll you go, call me when you have some free time." She promised she would. "I love you Hope." "I love you too." I heard her hang up the phone and then I heard a second click. I hung up and went in and peeked at my children. I turned to leave the boys room and found Nick standing in the door. He makes my heart flutter every time I see him. I just said hi and he embraces me. "I'm sorry I forgot your birthday." I just cried harder. "I promise "I'll make it up to you." I told him it was over now. I went downstairs and Jane was cleaning up the kitchen. She looked at me and hugged me. "Happy Birthday,"she said.

Chapter 32

Jane returned back to Florida and Nick stayed on with me in California. Nick was still sleeping in the guest bedroom. Carolyn and I keep in frequent contact. I'd sent her pictures of Nicole and she said she's beautiful. "Are you ever going have any that looked like you?" She then apologized for her question. "I'm pretty sure I'm done with having children. I needed a husband first." Nick glanced in my direction but I pretended not to see him. Matt had gone back to preschool and Nicole and Brian were down for naps. So it was now Nick and I alone. I hung up the phone and walked out in the back yard. We were fortunate to have a huge back yard. The boys had a lot of room to roam around. I picked up their toys and put them in the shed. Nick came out to help me. I could sense that he wanted to talk but he hadn't said anything yet. He grabbed my hand and turned me around, "are you going to leave me? It's killing me not knowing. Please just tell me what you want from me? I'll do anything, I love you Hope." His eyes were all glassy and it hurt me to see him this way. I heard Brian playing now up in his bedroom. I went to go in the house and Nick stopped me. "Please, what do you want?" He asked. "I want a family, I wanted a husband that I wasn't afraid of. I wanted to be able to love him again. I do love you Nick, it's just that I can't forget what happened." Nick pulled me to him and hugged me so gingerly. "I'd just die if you couldn't ever forgive me. I want to take you out." "We have three kids,who's going to watch them?" "Our neighbor has a teenager, we could pay her." "I don't know Nick." "Please go out with me." It made me smile that he was asking me out on a date. He raised his eyebrows and smiled too. "I miss your pretty smile." "Let me call Mary and see if her daughter is available. When do you want to go?" "Tonight?" "That's short notice, she might not be available." "Go call her and find out." He wrapped his arm around me and we walked in together. Mary's daughter Tanya was available. Mary said she'd be right next door if Tanya had any trouble and not to worry about it. We bathed and fed the kids. I told Tanya Nicole basically does what she wants as far as a sleep schedule. Matt and Brian were to be in bed at 8. She said she could handle it and Nick and I left for dinner and a movie. Nick and I sat very close at dinner. "I miss you so much. Your smell your touch." We made small conversation and had a wonderful dinner. We went to the movie and saw The Story of Us, with Michelle Pfeifer and Bruce Willis. It was pretty good. It was one of those chick flicks and I knew deep down inside Nick was dying. He hated these movies. After the movie we drove home. Nick walked Tanya home and I checked on the kids. Everything seemed to be fine. Nick came back and I was in the shower. I dressed for bed and came down to munch. Nick was one step ahead of me. I smiled when I saw him. "Some things never change I told him." He looked at me confused. I decided ice cream sounded good and grabbed a spoon out of the drawer and sat down at the table with Nick. "Did you have a good night?" "I did have a good time. It reminded me of how good things were between us. Our relationship seemed doomed from the start and I'm just not sure how many hits I can take." I knoww things haven't always been good but I know we share a deep love for each other." "Sometimes love just isn't enough though," I said. "It is for me." I put the ice cream away and Nick cleaned up the dishes. We went upstairs. "Can I kiss you good night?" I just looked deep into his eyes and he leaned in and kissed me. He turned to walk away and I grabbed his arm. He turned and I pulled him into my bedroom. "I'm not ready to be intimate with you yet but I needed you beside me." Over the next few months I learned to forgive Nick but was still having a hard time forgetting. Carolyn and I kept in close contact and Nick and I were planning to fly back to RI for a vacation. Matt would be starting kindergarten in another couple of months and this was the best time for us to go. Annie and Brian would join us for a week in Newport. We arrived in RI and stopped of in Coventry first as it was really close to the airport. Carolyn was really happy to see us. My siblings and their families were all present. Nick felt uncomfortable and I tried to give the appearance that everything was fine with us. We finally headed home. It had been almost a year since I'd been back. We were also nearing the anniversary of the rape. The boys remembered the house and were really happy to be back. Nick and I would take long walks and we really got closer. One night he surprised me and asked me to remarry him. "I love you and it's not necessary." "I want to renew our vows. " "I want to think about it." The days went by so quickly and I awoke on the day I dreaded to face. The one year anniversary of my betrayal and the rape. I was quite emotional but Nick gave me my room. We did a lot of fun things and I just looked at Nicole who was now three months old. She was smiling all the time now. She was very verbal too. We stayed at home. Matt and Brian both had terrible colds. I was irritated and just wanted to get through the day. We put the boys into bed and Nick went and took a shower. I mustered up enough nerve and undressed and joined him. He was surprised to say the least. I entered into the shower and Nick started to cry.

Chapter 33

Nick washed my body and washed my hair. His hands searched my body as if the first time. He turned off the shower and carried me to the bed. "We need to change what this day means to you." He made sweet passionate love to me. I never realized how much I missed him. I cried silently with each thrust of his pelvis. Each kiss he gave me and each touch. I loved him so completely. Nick wiped my tears, "Am I hurting you?" He rolled over onto his back and pulled me on top of him. I told him I loved him. He pulled my face down to his and kissed me hard. He flipped me back over onto my back and exploded inside me. Once he released his load he kissed my body and brought me to my climax. I fell asleep naked in his arms. We were one again. Brian and Annie arrived the next day and were very happy to see us close again. Nick and I were closer than we had ever been. I still felt really awkward around Brian. He hugged me and I was stiff. Nick told me it was all right. Unfortunately every time I met his eyes or touched him I felt so dirty. I felt like I was betraying Nick all over again. "Ae you ever coming back to Florida?" "It's Hope's decision. We were staying together as a family. The location didn't matter to him as long as we were a family." "It would just be nice to have some help with the baby." Nick and I looked at them both and Annie removed her jacket. She was 7 months pregnant. I was so happy for her, but my thoughts fell to Nicole. I loved her and didn't know how to deal with my feelings regarding her conception. I knew Brian and Annie were in love when this child was conceived. I knew she wasn't raped. I excused myself and walked outside to get some air. My tears fell and Nick followed me outside. I told him to please forgive me for a minute and I took off running. I ran until my sides hurt. "Why can't I get passed this God? Why can't I move on?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around expecting Nick. It was Brian. "Do you need to talk?" "I'll be all right," and moved away from him. I started to walk away and he pulled me back by my arm. "Hope you have got to let go of your guilt. We shared a kiss and that was it," Brian said. "We made a mistake and all is forgiven.' "I understand that." "Then why can't you get passed that?" "I don't know. I am so happy for you and Annie but it just made me think of Nicole." "Nicole? What Nicole has to do with this?" "She was conceived from a rape. Which only happened because of my adulterous behavior. I have scarred her. It's not Nick's fault." I was starting to piece it out. "It was my fault. I did this to Nicole." I took off running again. I ended up on the front step of the house. My sides really ached now and I rested against the stoop. I remembered back when my mom and dad taught me to ride my bike in this circular driveway. The bruised knees and the cuts and scrapes. They always loved me. I had to call Carolyn and talk to her. I slipped inside and up to my bedroom. I called Carolyn and told her I was having another bad day. "What was wrong?" "I have been blaming Nick for all of my problems when it's been my fault all along. If I hadn't kissed Brian, Nick never would have raped me. Now I had Nicole and I had scarred her for life." "You did nothing wrong." "How am I supposed to deal with all this?" "Atleast you are dealing with it." "What do you mean?" She finally came clean and said that I wasn't a Davidson after all. I almost dropped the phone. "What?" Shewas crying hysterically now. She said when she was on her way home from working for my parents. She was waiting for a bus. While she was there she was accosted and raped by a man she did not know. "Doug wouldn't touch me after that. He refused to raise you under our roof. He wanted me to terminate your life. I couldn't do that. I lied to your parents and told them I couldn't afford another child and they offered to raise you, as they didn't have any children of their own. I thought it was a way to save your life." My tears were falling faster and faster. She went on to say, "I wanted and loved you. Doug even regretted giving you up. You looked so much like your siblings. Can you ever forgive me?" "Of course I could, I just wished she had told me the truth from the beginning." I hung up the phone and jumped into the shower. As I was stepping out I saw Nick in the door. "Are you OK?" "I was the result of a rape." "What are you talking about?" "I just talke to Carolyn." I relayed the conversation to him. He just held me. "I'm sorry we'll get through this together." I dressed for bed and went downstairs. Nick and I sat on the couch watching TV and eating popcorn. I told Nick I would like to marry him again. He squeezed my hand and kissed the top of my head. We went up to bed and made love. I told him I was ready to go home. "I'll make reservations tomorrow for Los Angeles." "No, I want to go home." "Florida?" He asked. "Can we please go home?" He made love to me again and we fell asleep.

Chapter 34

Nick let me sleep in the next day and he and Brian went out on the boat with the boys. I found Annie downstairs reading the newspaper. "Good morning sleepy head,"she said to me. "I'm sorry to leave you here all alone. Where is everyone?" "They went out on the boat. It was a guy thing. Nick said you wanted to go back to Florida." "Yeah, it's time to go back." I toasted an English muffin and poured a cup of coffee. "What are you going to do about the house in California?" "Nothing for now I suppose. I guess I would have to go get a few things." Annie, Nicole and I spent the afternoon taking a nice walk around the property. We went down to the wharf for lunch, I was having a wonderful day. "I really like it here," I told her. "So do I. It's just so peaceful." The guys came home and I put dinner on the table. Nick kissed me and said, "we leave for Florida on Sunday." "I have a lot of packing to do then," I said. Nick held me tight and told him to sit with them for a while. It was nice talking to my friends and feeling content for the first time in a year. The next couple of days we packed up a few things and I entered my parent's bedroom for the first time in over a year. Everything was as they left it. Their clothes still hung in the closet and dad's shoes still in front of his dresser. I lied down on the bed and quietly remembered them. My tears were streaming down my cheeks. I missed them so much but I also felt them. Brian walked by my parent's room and knocked on the door as he entered. I sat up and he sat down on the bed next to me. I stood up and told him, "I want to look through my parent's belongings before I leave." He followed me into the walk-in closet. "Can I help? "I can't, please just leave, I don't feel comfortable." I walked out of the closest and Brian followed me. Nick was walking into the bedroom and saw us come out of the closet. I looked at him and said, "nothing happened. I swear!" "Relax, this trust thing works two ways. I trust you both." . I walked to him and held him." "I love you and would never do anything again to hurt him ever again." He looked into my face, "I trust you." Brian left without me noticing. "What are you doing in here?" "I wanted to find something that I could bring back to remind me of my parents." "Shouldn't you do something with all of this?" "I really haven't had the time lately," and laughed. "I love the sound of your laugh." I closed the door and we went downstairs. I found Brian and apologized for making him feel so uncomfortable. "Can youever forgive me?" He said it was all right. I stood up and hugged him. My tears fell and I looked at Annie who was emotional too. "You married my best friend and I don't want tension between us every time we are together. I realize it's me causing the tension and I'm sorry." I let him go and returned to Nick. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. We spent the next day packing and I invited the Davidsons over to our house. It was the first time they'd been here since I knew the truth. For my siblings it was the first time in over 27 years they'd come back to the house. We had a nice time. Annie and I cooked for everyone. Carolyn and I got really close over the last year. I'd come to depend on her a lot now. I got her alone in the back yard and asked her if I could call her mom? She hugged me and said, "I'd be honored. I love you Hope." I told her that I loved her too. They stayed late, the kids all ran around the back yard and we sat at the patio table watching them have so much fun. Nick brought out coffees for everyone. "This is the life, I'm just sorry it took so much pain to get to this place." No one responded to my comment. My new family was now leaving. I invited them down to Florida any time they wanted to come. "I know you don't have a lot of money, I hoped that you will allow me to buy the tickets." Mom said she'd really like that. I hugged them all good bye. Nick and I carried our sleeping boys upstairs and put them to bed. I showered and went into my parent's bedroom again. I packed up the jewelry boxes, I told Nick we would have to come back and sort through this stuff. I decided on a quilt that had been on my parent's bed for many years. I kept that as my keepsake from them. I told Nick, "I remember coming in here as a kid and crawling underneath this quilt. It still smells like my mom," I said with tears in my eyes. Nick loaded up the trunk of the limousine and said we'd better get to bed. I looked around the room one last time and turned off the lights and closed the door. Nick held me until I fell asleep. We woke at 6 and Nick and I got dressed and woke up the kids. We headed for the airport and our 11am flight to Florida. The kids were excited but still very tired. Brian slept all the way to Florida. Matt was too excited. Jane and Bob were there to pick us all up. Brian and Annie had left their car at the airport so they left us with Nick's parents. "How are you feeling?" Jane asked. I thought a minute and said, "I"m at peace. I've learned to accept what I can not change. My birth mother finally told me how I was really conceived. She was raped too, but by someone she didn't know. I know I have my problems, but I think I turned out all right. Nicole will be fine, she has a family who loves her." Jane had tears in her eyes and she hugged me. Aaron had come to the airport and I glanced over as he and Nick embraced.

Chapter 35

Aaron walked towards me and I apologized for separating his family. "As long as everyone was back together I'm fine." I looked at Nick and told Aaron, "we're going to be all right. I said this girl is getting heavy can we go now? " Jane scooped up Nicole. We followed Bob down to baggage claim and retrieved our luggage. "Aaron I'm so glad you came. I don't know where we would put all of our belongings." He laughed, "Nick rode with Aaron back to the house. We pulled into the driveway and I couldn't believe it had been more than a whole year since I entered this house. I just stood looking up at our bedroom window. "Are you going to be all right." I said I would. He scooped me up in his arms and carried me over the threshold. "Welcome home Mrs. Carter." The boys thought daddy was being funny. The school year was fast approaching and Nicole's first birthday. We slowly settled in and I registered Matt in his new school. We had Jane and Bob watch the three kids and Nick and I headed down to the beach and met up with everyone. Howie and his wife had moved back to Orlando. He had two little girls. "If I knew you'd be here I would have brought the boys." Kevin and AJ were there. AJ had calmed down a lot after running daddy's company. They worked so hard and some very long hours. Nancy and Julie were also working at the office. Brian called game and we all got up and played volleyball. It was like old times. "Do you remember when we used to do this?" Nick asked. "It was fun wasn't it? We needed to do more of this." I kissed him and he slipped under the net. He was on the other side. I again found myself checking him out. He was still into wearing baggy shorts and I couldn't make out his gorgeous butt. Nick and I found ourselves both playing the net during the game. He of course towered over me and constantly battled me for the ball. During this one play I flashed my boobs at him and was able to put the ball down at his feet. "No fair" he cried I laughed. His team won anyway and Nick and I walked down to the ocean. We swam out and he pulled me to him. I straddled his waist and he inserted himself into me. "Do you love me?" "What kind of a question is that?" "I just like to hear you say it, that's all." He kissed me and we swam back in. "We are gonna finish what you started out there," he said. I just smiled and we walked back to the chairs. I sat down and Nick started packing our things up. "Where you guys going?" Brian asked. "She's got me all hot I have got to go home and take care of something." They all laughed at us. "Come over for dinner, we might be done by then." I smacked Nick. They said they'd be there. Nick and I got back to the truck and drove home. We didn't even make it up the stairs. "Are you on the pill?" "No, why?" "Let's make another baby." I smiled and hung on to him. We took our shower and called Jane. "We'll be over shortly to pick up the kids." "Oh, let them stay the night. You guys need some time alone." "Are you sure?" "It's not like I haven't done this before you know." Nick thanked her. "I'll drop some clothes off for the kids." "Where are the kids?" "Moms keeping them overnight." I smiled at him. "Now I wish I'd never invited the guys over for dinner." "Call and cancel." I laughed and said, "no, I want to be surrounded by the people I love." We had no children and it was just the two of us. It was peaceful and quiet. I started dinner. I tossed a salad together and opened some wine. Nick wanted to mess around again before I guests came but I reminded him he hadn't taken the kids clothes to his mom's house yet. "Darn!" I laughed and handed him the small overnight bag with toys and clothes in it for the kids. "I'll be back in a few minutes." He kissed me good bye and left the house. I finished the dinner and Nick pulled up at the same time as Brian and Annie. It wasn't too long after that Howie came. He had the best taste in wines. I thanked him for it and showed him around our house. "It's beautiful. I especially like the boy's room with all the sports decorations." He noticed the little drawings I did of the family. He thought I was very talented. We went downstairs and Nick had just put the salads on the table. We sat down and started talking about this and that. Once we finished eating I said there is something I need to say to Kevin and AJ. "I'll be right back." I went into the den and pulled out a folder. Nick cleared the dishes off the table because he knew what I was about to do. Kevin and AJ looked confused to say the least. "When my father died the business was left to me. You have been running things for almost 2 years now." "Is something was wrong?" Kevin asked. "No, nothing is wrong. Before I left RI I stopped of at my attorneys and stopped the divorce proceedings against Nick. Well, while I was there I also had these drawn up for you and AJ to sign." Kevin looked at the paper and looked at Nick and I. "Are you sure about this?" Kevin asked. He passed the papers to AJ and AJ just said, "Damn!" "I talked it over with Nick and you two have built that business up to where it is today and it's only fair that you should have it." Nancy and Julie couldn't believe their ears. "There is more though." Orlando is yours to keep all you have to do is sign the papers. However, I don't know how to take care of the business. I'm asking you to continue running Orland and the other offices. Also the Orlando office is to remain in the family. You can't sell it. Will you do it?"

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Kevin and AJ looked at each other and asked, "What does all this mean?" "It would mean you have to commute a lot to Boston. I haven't set foot in the corporate offices since before my father died. I can just imagine what's been going on up there. Of course you would keep your regular pay and I'd split my father's salary between the two of you. That's an additional $200,000.00 a month." AJ's eyes about bugged out of his head. "Or I can go and interview people who are qualified for the position. I know you and trust you both and we'd feel much better if you would accept. You could always stay at the house in Newport and Laguna, or purchase a house or apartment. Whatever you want." Kevin said, "I don't know what to say." "Well that's a first." Nick said to break the tension. We all laughed. "It's just this is a lot of responsibility and I have no idea how to cope with it all. My dad built this company and I don't want it to die with me." Kevin and AJ looked at Julie and Nancy, they smiled and both agreed that if that was what they wanted they would support them. "We'll do it, where do we sign?" I showed them where to sign and told them I'd get copies to them after my lawyer was done with everything. I looked at Howie and Brian, "If you guys want any part of this you let me know. I'm sure Kevin and AJ would find something that you are qualified to do or they'd put you through school to learn it." Brian said he was fine with his current job and Howie said he'd like to know more about the company. "Let's put some music on," Nick said. We turned on the stereo and since we had no kids we cranked it up loud. It was one of the best nights of my life. After everyone left Nick called his mom and she assured him the kids were fine. They were asleep and she'd bring them home tomorrow. "We're going to have to get a bigger house soon. We are growing out of this one." "I know, especially if you keep wanting to have more children." We went up and showered and changed for bed. Nick made love to me again and again. I never get tired of his body. I love his soft lips and his long juicy tongue. It makes me weak just to think about it. Two weeks later we took Matt to his first day of school. Jane came over early and watched Nicole and Brian while Nick and I took him. I was so happy for him. He really thrived in Pre School out in California. I watched him through the window in the door and he was so gentlemanly. He'd offer up toys to the other kids. Nick and I left and went home. It was sad without Matt there. Brian was to start preschool next week. He was excited. He was three now. Matt came home on the school bus and he was such a big boy now. Nick and Matt went for a walk and talked about his day. The next week we dropped Matt off and took Brian to preschool. We had just Nicole. I looked at Nick and said they are growing up so fast. "When are we going to have another one?" I said May 19th." He looked at me, "are you kidding?" "No, I found out yesterday. I'm 5 weeks along." He laughed and we kissed. Brian and Matt both finished out the week and Friday September 12th was Nicole's first birthday. We had cake and ice cream and all the relatives came. Including my mom, Carolyn and Douglas and all the Aunt's and Uncles and cousins. We were really hurting for room. It was all right though. We were all together. Nick announced the news that another Carter would be arriving around May 19th. Everyone was happy for us. During the party Annie went into labor. Brian was so scared. Nick and I went with them. Nick drove and Brian sat in the back seat with Annie. He was so gentle and tender with her. We got to the hospital and they rushed Annie into the birthing section of the hospital. Brian was terrified. "It is the greatest experience you'll ever have in your life. Get in there with your wife." They embraced and Nick came and sat down with me. "I'm sorry I made him miss out on Nicole's birth." I kissed him and he went down to the cafeteria for coffee. Brian was brought out of the birthing room and they were wheeling Annie into the OR, something was really wrong. I looked at Brian and I said what's happening? "Annie is hemorrhaging," he cried. "What?! No this can't be happening. Where is the baby?" I said. "They hadn't delivered it yet." I hugged Brian, "it's going to be all right. Everything would be all right." Nick came back and Brian and I were hugging and crying and Nick asked what was wrong? "Oh, Nick, they took Annie," I said. "She's hemorrhaging." He stood there shocked. Nick said, "they're going to do everything they can to help her." We waited another 2 ˝ hours. Finally the doctor came and I could tell the news wasn't good. He said to Brian who was sitting between Nick and I, "We were able to save your daughter, but his wife didn't make it. I'm sorry." I don't know who screamed louder, Brian or me. I hugged Brian and wouldn't let him go. "No, this can't be happening," I said. "This can't be happening." Nick was unsure who to console. Brian and I loved Annie so much. "Would you like to see her?" the doctor asked. "Yes." Brian was afraid. "We have to say good bye." That just made him cry more. I walked into the OR where her lifeless body lie. I rubbed her hair and kissed her forehead. I told her I loved her and would watch over her daughter. Brian was sobbing and he just put his head down on her chest. "I love you so much Annie." He kissed her and Nick had to help him out of the room.

Chapter 37

I drove home and told everyone what had happened. We'd left the party and everyone was so happy. After I told them Annie died they were horrified. "She hemorrhaged and they couldn't stop it. She bled to death on the operating table. They took the baby by C-Section. She's alive and Nick and Brian are still at the hospital." Kevin asked about his cousin Brian. I said,"he's devastated." "I'm going over there." Julie left with Kevin and the party pretty much fizzled from there. Jane and Bob were saddened by the news. "What am I going to do without my best friend?" I hugged my mom. "I don't know why you have to keep enduring these trials. I'm so sorry for your loss." Eventually I was left alone with my kids. Nick called to tell me that he was on his way home. "Are you all right?" "I'll be better once you're here." They were going to keep Brian's daughter in the hospital overnight for observation. Kevin was staying with Brian. When Nick got home he said, "Brian wants to know if you'll help handle the funeral arrangements?" "I talked to Annie's parents and they are going to take care of it. The funeral would be Sunday." "That's in two days? Isn't that too soon?" "How long should you wait?" I was devastated by her loss. "Between you and Brian I don't know how we are going to get through this loss." "I want to go back to the hospital to see Brian." He handed me the keys to the car and told me to be careful. I drove through the streets, my tears blurring my vision. I arrived at the hospital and found Brian and Kevin. Brian's head was resting on Kevin's shoulder. He appeared to be asleep. His parents were flying in from Kentucky and would be here tomorrow. "How is he?" "Not good, Hope. I don't know how he's going to get through this. How are you doing?" Kevin asked. My tears poured down my cheeks. "She was my best friend Kevin. What am I going to do without her?" I sat down next to Kevin and he put his other arm around my shoulder. I sobbed there until I felt Brian reach his arm around to me. Then I was hysterical crying. Kind of that hyperventilating cry. I couldn't get my breath. I wasn't just scaring me I was also scaring Kevin and Brian. I was finally able to get my breath and I told them, "I loved her so much. We made plans to raise babies together. Now that's all gone." Brian was silently crying and I was holding his hand. "I'm so sorry, if I could take her place I would." He just nodded his head. Kevin didn't say a thing. What could he say? I asked Brian about the baby. He said she was in the nursery. "Have you seen her yet?" Brian said he had. "She looks like Annie." He named her Annie. That just made me cry more. I stayed for almost 2 hours. "Brian, I have to go. If you need to talk, just call me, I don't even care if it's at 2am. Please you were always there for me, let me help if I can." He promised he would. He asked if I had made the arrangements? "I called Annie's parents, they are taking care of it. She'll be buried on Sunday." I couldn't keep my lower lip from trembling. He stood up and hugged me. "Oh Brian, I'm so sorry," I cried. He dropped his face in his hands and I watched as his whole body shook from his grief. It was more than I could watch. I turned and ran out of the hospital. I drove home and Nick was waiting up for me. I just ran into his arms and cried. I didn't get any sleep that night. Nick held me in his arms but sleep came easy for him. I got up and looked in on Nicole and then the boys. Annie would never know this love. I walked down stairs and popped in the video we'd taken at the beach that first summer. She was so beautiful and full of life. She was my best friend in the whole world. After my parents died, she was there for me. Now she's gone. I went into the garage and just screamed. "WHY? Why is this happening to me?" I let myself fall to the ground. I felt Nick's hand on my shoulder and looked as his tears fell from his eyes. He lifted me up and held me as I cried. We walked back into the house and Nick turned off the video. I went upstairs and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried. The phone rang at 3:45. I answered on the first ring. "Did I waked you?" I cried into the phone and said he hadn't. "I need you." "I'm on my way. " Nick looked at me like I was crazy. I said, "Brian needs me. I'll be back later." "Hope put some clothes on." I stripped out of my T shirt and got dressed and left. Nick met me outside the garage. "You forgot to kiss me good bye. I leaned through the window and kissed him. I'll call you later, go get some sleep." I got to the hospital 40 minutes later. "I'm sorry it took so long," I said. Kevin was passed out in a chair. I woke him up and told him to go home and get some sleep. I'd stay with Brian for awhile. "Go home, I'll be all right." Brian seemed so much calmer now. "What had changed?" "I've spent the last few hours in the chapel." I nodded knowing the power of prayer. "Have you checked on your daughter lately?" "No." "Do you want go seee her?" We walked hand in hand together and found little Annie Littrel lying in her bassinet. She looked like Brian. "You're going to be in trouble when she grows up. She's so beautiful." Brian hugged me and cried on my shoulder. "I want you to raise her."

Chapter 38

"Me? You want me to raise her?" "I cann't do it without Annie. I'll contact a lawyer and you and Nick can adopt her. My only request is that we call her Annie." "No, I won't do it. Haven't you listened to a word I said? I thought you gave good advice to me 2 years ago. I guess maybe you just don't take your own advice. Brian you have to raise her. She is your flesh and blood." "I'll ask my parents." par"You better not! Annie is probably looking down on you mad as all get out. This is your daughter, damn it. Now pick her up and be a father." "I can't do it." I lifted little Annie out of her bassinet and handed her to Brian. He held her and studied her face. I walked out of the room to give them some privacy. 30 minutes later Brian was asleep in a chair with Annie asleep on his chest. I just cried for all that Annie was missing out on. I went and called Nick it was 6am and I knew Matt was awake. I filled Nick in on the events of the evening and he asked how I was feeling. "I'm exhausted." "Give me about an hour and I'll be by to pick you up. I don't want you driving." I went back into Brian and he was awake. Apparently Annie had passed her meconium and Brian was having a hard time cleaning her. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked, "how am I ever going to do this?" "One day at a time." I promised him I'd help him get through this. "For Annie, I'd help him get through it." Nick took the kids to his parent's house and came to see the baby. Annie was released around noon and I was barely able to keep my eyes opened. "Do you want to stay with us until you feel comfortable enough to go back home?" He looked so relieved. Nick drove home and got Nicole's infant car seat. Once Annie was released Nick drove us all home. Nick took Brian to his house so that he could get some things for himself and for Annie. I dug the bassinet out of the garage and set it up in the guestroom for Brian. I unhooked the monitor from Nicole's room and put it in the guestroom so that whenever Annie cried, it wouldn't matter where he was in the house, he'd be able to hear her. I had to get some sleep. All these emotions that I was feeling were finally taking a toll on me. Jane and Bob kept the kids all day and Nick helped take care of Annie. I slept 10 hours and Brian slept 8. I got in the shower and dressed and went downstairs. I could hear Annie crying. I saw Brian with his head in his hands and he was weeping. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I can't do this." "Bri we are all here to help you. Have your parents arrived yet?" "They are on their way now. They called earlier but I was sleeping," he said. "Nick just left to go get them." I left him in the living room and went to pick up Annie. She was truly a beautiful baby. I rocked her in my arms and picked up the still warm bottle and talked to her as she ate. Brian stood in the doorway and said, "you really should keep her." I didn't even acknowledge him. I sat in the rocker and burped her once she finished. I changed her diaper and lay her back in the bassinet. "how did you do that?" "You can't let the tension get to you. You have to put it aside for her sake. Just sing to her Brian. Let her get to know you." I heard Nick in the living room and Brian went to see his parents. I walked out just behind him and his mother hugged him so hard, I swear I heard his ribs crack. His dad was just as passionate. Nick came over and hugged me. "Did you get enough sleep?" I told him I was fine. Brian's mom asked "what time is the funeral was tomorrow?" I said it's at 1pm. It just made Brian sob all over again. He'd have to watch his wife be lowered into the ground. Nick and I went upstairs to give them some privacy. He laid down with me on the bed and I dozed back off to sleep. I woke to pitch-blackness. I turned to look at the clock. It was almost 3am. I thought I heard Nicole crying. It wasn't she was still with Nick's parents. I walked downstairs and looked into Brian's open door. I heard him singing to his daughter. Little Annie calmed down and was taking the bottle from Brian. He sat in the rocker and started to burp her and that's when he saw me. "Come in." I sat down on the foot of the bed. "It looks like you are getting the hang of this." He kept singing the song. It wasn't even really a song. He just made it up as he went along. My tears started to form as he sang about Annie's angel in heaven. He stood up and tried to change her diaper but was having some trouble. I stood up to help him. He just watched. He picked her back up and laid her sleepy body back in the bassinet. With tears in his eyes he held out his arms to me. "We bury her today," he said. Now we were both crying. Mourning Annie's death instead of celebrating it like his parents told him too. "I don't know how to celebrate something this horrible." I just cried there in Brian's arms. I tried to break the hug but he wasn't ready. I heard Nick coming down the stairs. He walked up to us and wrapped his arms around us both. Brian finally released me and hugged Nick. I left the room and made some coffee. I sat down and turned on my video. Brian heard Annie's voice and came out and sat with me. Without a word we sat side by side watching every move Annie made. We listened intently to her every word. When the tape was over I just rewound it. Brian asked if I could make him a copy? I told him I would.

Chapter 39

Little Annie began to cry and Brian went to tend to her. It was now after 8am. I turned the video off and went upstairs to shower. Nick was just getting out of the shower. "There's still some hot water." I just walked by him all sullen and quiet. He spun me around and hugged me. "I miss her so much, Nick. What am I going to do without her?" "You and Brian keep saying that. You will go on, yes you will miss her, I will miss her too. She left Brian the greatest gift. Her love and a child. We have got to be strong for Little Annie." He was right, but I didn't want him to be right. I wanted Annie back. I jumped into the shower and the water was so hot, I just didn't care. I wrapped in a robe and lied down on the bed. Nick said I looked exhausted and should try to sleep a little. It was 5 after 9. "I can't, we've got to go get the kids." I went and sorted through Nicole's old clothes and found an outfit for Annie. I brought it down to Brian. He asked if I thought he should bring Annie? "What do you feel Brian?" "I don't want to leave her." He bowed his head. I placed the dress by his side and told him if he needed me to just call. I kissed the top of his head and left. I toasted an English muffin. "Hope you have to eat more. After all you are pregnant." "I'd forgot all ready." I let him hug me and Jane called to see how Brian was doing. "He seems better. He's of course very emotional but he's bonding with Annie so I think they will be all right." She was so happy to hear it. I talked with Matt and Brian. They missed us so much, but were having fun with Grandma and Grandpa. I told them I'd see them soon. Nick fixed me some ham and eggs and I sat down. Nick came out and placed a dish in front of Brian but Brian wouldn't eat. "I know you don't want to eat but you have to for Little Annie." Brian took a few bites and then Annie started to fuss. I got dressed and applied some makeup. I tried my best to look put together. I went down to check on Annie. I had gotten so close to her the last 3 days that I would miss her terribly when she left. I dressed her as Brian found the little buttons cumbersome. She was a beautiful little girl. She had Annie's features but Brian's coloring. I packed a diaper bag for Annie and we headed for the funeral. AJ, Kevin, Nancy, Julie and Brian's parents had all ready arrived. My mom and Doug were all ready there too. I thanked them for coming. It really meant a lot to me I said. Annie's parents embraced Brian, if anyone understood his pain it was them. I hugged her mom and she asked if I was all right? I said "no, I can never accept this." I was holding Annie and passed her off to them so that they could hold their daughter's child. After only a few minutes she started to fuss. They handed her back to me and she calmed down. Brian was accepting condolences and when he heard Annie fuss he headed back in her direction. Once I had her and she calmed down, Brian stopped in his tracks and continued talking to people. There was an open casket and it was so sad to see her lying up there. If I looked too long it looked like she was actually breathing in there. After the service we filed out passed the casket. I leaned in a slipped a photo of her and Brian in happier times and an instant picture of her little Annie. I leaned down and kissed her stone cold face. Brian was behind Nick and me. I stood off to the side and watched as Nick kissed her. Brian just sobbed and kissed her and he looked at me. Nick, AJ, Kevin, Annie's brother Adam, Howie, and Annie's brother Anthony carried her casket to the hearse. We filed in the limousine and headed for the gravesite. There Brian had asked me to Eulogize Annie since I knew her best. I played a recording of a conversation that I had kept after Brian had proposed to her. It was on the tape of my answering machine. In Annie's own voice and words she spoke to us. She was upbeat and excited. Brian had just proposed to her. She called me before her own parents. She went on to say that she was so happy and it was all because of Brian. I love him so much, Hope. I love Brian with all that I am. I stopped the tape and played another conversation. Hope, we just got back from the ultra sound, where are you? Anyway it's a girl, or at least they think it's a girl. I'm going to try to convince Brian to let me name her after you because you are the best, best friend I could ever have. Brian is on cloud nine right now. I'm so glad that even if for one minute I could make Brian happy. She ended the call with these powerful words. "If I were to die right now, that would be OK. I have had a wonderful life and couldn't imagine being any happier than Brian has made me." I stopped the tape and said, "she was a woman who loved a lot and was loved by many. She made you feel good even when you didn't want to feel good. She was my best friend," I said through a cracking voice and blurred vision. "She loved her family deeply. She loved Brian more than anyone I know could ever love a partner. I love her and miss her so terribly. Although these words may haunt you, let her spirit lift you up in her death as it did while she was alive." With that I stepped down and sat next to Nick and cried on his shoulder. Little Annie was fussy again and Brian had passed her to Nick. I took her from him and I fed her a bottle. She fell asleep in my arms. We went back to Annie's parent's house for about an hour. None of us wanted to be there. We were surrounded by all her family and her accomplishments. It hurt too much to be there.

Chapter 40

Annie was extremely tired and unable to sleep, I walked her around outside and Brian found us. I asked if he wanted to hold Annie? "She's asleep I don't want to wake her." "How are you doing?" "I just want to know when I'll stop hurting? It feels like my heart has been ripped out." I told him I felt the same way. "I miss her so much I still don't know what I'm going to do without her." Nick came outside with Annie's diaper bag. "Are we ready to go?" We headed for the van. I placed her in the infant car seat and Nick drove us home. Brian carried her sleeping body inside and lied her in her bassinet. He pretty much stayed in the room for the rest of the day. He didn't want to talk to anyone or visit with anyone. Except us he said. I told him I understood. The next day Brian asked if I would mind watching Annie while he went out for a little while to clear his head. I said I'd be delighted. Brian asked if I'd be OK with 4 kids? I pointed to my tummy and said it was practice. He smiled for the first time in 4 days. He immediately felt guilty. I walked to him and hugged him. He broke it off and said he'd be back before too long. I'm thankful that Nick doesn't work. I had my hands full. The boys had school and Nicole is walking and into everything. Annie doesn't know what she wants half the time. I smiled at Nick, "She eats like Brian." He laughed and then looked at me. "It's OK to laugh. Like you said, life goes on." He kissed me on the top of the head. "What time did Brian say he'd be back?" "He didn't say, he said he had to clear his head." Nick went to get the boys and Brian came home while he was gone. He thanked me for watching Annie. I was loading the dishwasher. I turned around and he closed the door to his room. Nicole was finally down for a nap and the boys returned from school. I told Nick that Brian had returned. "Is he OK," he asked? "I don't know he's been in his room ever since." Nick walked and knocked on the door. He cracked it open and Brian was asleep on the bed. He closed the door and came to tell me. I was pretty tired myself. I started on dinner and Brian said he wasn't really hungry. He said he over did it at lunch. He's never lied to anyone so I believed him. The kids were fed and eventually bathed and put to bed. I was going to bed early too, I was beat. I checked in on Annie and asked Brian to wake me if he needed me. I said good night and went up to bed. Nick gave him a copy of the tape I had of Annie. He was really happy to receive it. Nick eventually came up to bed. I was already asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Brian slipped into our room and left the baby monitor by my bedside. He crept downstairs and left a note on the table. He picked up his suitcase and left. I woke up to a screaming baby. It even startled Nick. I jumped out of bed and headed for Nicole's room. She was asleep. I checked in on the boys, they were asleep. I went downstairs and knocked on Brian's door. It was dark and I wondered how he could sleep through this. I picked her up and grabbed a diaper and some wipes. I changed her diaper and fed her another bottle. Nick came down the stairs with the monitor in his hand. "Why do you have the monitor?" I looked at Nick and just knew Brian was gone. "Where's Brian?" Nick could tell by the look on my face that something was wrong. "He's not here." He looked on the table and found an envelope and a note. He walked to me and sat down. It's addressed to you. I told him to open it. Brian started out by saying, "please forgive me. I've tried to do this but I can't. I love her so very much but want something better for her. She loves you Hope and Annie was your best friend. I trust that you and Nick will raise her like your own. Enclosed in the packet are the adoption papers for you. I have terminated my parental rights so that you can adopt her. Please do not try to find me. I just can't do this right now. He loved us and would miss Little Annie." I just cried. "Nick you have to go look for him." Nick went upstairs and got dressed. He also called Kevin, AJ and Howie. They agreed to all go and search for Brian. After several hours they gave up. They couldn't find him. "Has anyone searched the cemetery?" "No why would he go there?" Then he realized. "Where are the keys?" He handed them to me and I took Annie with me. I made my way to the grave site and found him lying beside her grave. Annie's cries alerted him to my presence. I was mad as hell. I sat the car seat down and he stood and I slapped him across the face. Harder than I wanted to. He winced in pain. "hHw dare you abandon your daughter like that. You of all people know what a hard time I had with that. How dare you!" I was crying and Brian was crying. "I just can't be a daddy." "You are a daddy whether you like it or not." I had the adoption paper and his letter in my hand and I ripped them up and threw them at him. "I loved Annie but I thought you loved her more. I guess I was wrong. You couldn't have loved her to just leave her daughter behind like that. She died trying to make you happy and you throw it all away." I was mad and Brian was trying to talk to me. I wouldn't let him speak. "Do you know that the guys have been looking for you since 4am? They've turned this city upside down. How dare you do that to them!" He was getting angry at me now. "You know you are one to talk. You were gone almost an entire year and no one knew where you were." I said that's different. "How is that different?" he said. "I was raped." "Well so was I!"

Chapter 41

"My whole life raped has been raped from me. I didn't give her up freely. She was ripped from me. I feel violated just like you did." Annie started to fuss so I sat down on the ground next to her. I put her pacifier in her mouth. I said Brian, "if you leave now, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I swear it, my mom told me from her own lips. Even though I was conceived by rape, I was still her child and she loved me." I stood up and picked up Annie's carrier. "It's your decision to be in her life or not. I would not lie to her about all of this though." It started to rain. "You know you are welcome at our house anytime. You could stay as long as you want." I looked up at the sky and said, "I know Annie I'm trying." I walked away. I put Annie in the car and started the engine. I watched as Brian lied back down on the ground. I pulled away from the curb and drove home. My cell phone was ringing. "Did you find him?" Nick asked. "I did he was at Annie's grave." "Is he coming back?" "I don't know." I told him everything from ripping the papers to the reference to the rain as Annie's tears. "Ooooh, that's so freaky Hope." "Nick you know she wouldn't be happy knowing what he's doing." "Please be careful it's raining." I told him I would and hung up. Nick was just feeding the kids dinner. I put Annie down for her nap and sat at the table with my family. I wasn't hungry. I couldn't believe what was going on. The kids were bathed and put to bed. I had Nick move the bassinet upstairs to our room. I didn't know what was going to happen. Nick called the guys and filled them in on my confrontation with Brian. They were really worried. I fed and changed Annie one last time, I hoped, and Nick and I fell asleep. Somewhere in the middle of the night I heard Annie cry. She settled right back down so I didn't get up. I woke at 6am and was surprised she'd slept through the night. I got up to check on her and she was gone. I called out to Nick and he was startled. I ran downstairs and found Brian asleep with Annie on his chest. I just cried and dropped to the floor. Nick thought I was hurt and screamed out my name waking Brian. He lied Annie down on the bed and helped Nick lift me up. I just hugged Brian. "I'm so glad you're back. Oh Brian please don't do that again," I said. The next few weeks Brian got more comfortable in his role as a father. Annie began to sleep more soundly and for longer periods. The weeks turned into months and Brian decided it was time for them to leave. I was 6 months pregnant and Annie was 5 months old now. She smiled all the time and would babble. I would miss them both so very much. Brian stayed with us during the holidays. We kept it pretty light as we were still mourning Annie. Brian visits Annie every Sunday. He loves her so much even in death. The day that Brian and Annie left I went to Annie's grave. It was still very cold. I told her Brian and Annie had moved out. She would be so proud of Brian. "I miss you so much," I said. I left some flowers and told her about my pregnancy and it was going well. I told her about Annie. I said, "I'm sure you know all about her but I love her as if she were my own. Her first six months were spent with me. I miss them all ready. Well I better go back," I said. "Nick will worry if I'm gone too long." I stood up and kissed her headstone. "I love and miss you Annie." I turned to go and found Brian and Annie watching me. His tears had left little spots on his jacket. Annie was asleep in the carrier. I wiped my eyes, "How long have you been standing there?" "Long enough." "Why is she sleeping?" "She had her 6-month shots today. She's extremely tired." I told him I'd let him have some privacy. "Call me if you need me," I said. I kissed him on the cheek and left. I got in the car and just started bawling. I don't even know why I was crying. Maybe because Brian was moving on with Little Annie and I wasn't going to be a part of her life. Or maybe it was Annie. I hadn't really been able to mourn because I have a house full of kids. Or maybe it was just hormones. Whatever it was really exhausted me. I was so weak and tired. I fell asleep on the steering wheel. About an hour later Brian was knocking on my window. He started banging because he thought something was wrong when I didn't wake up right away. I sat up really dazed. I looked out the window and realized I had fallen asleep. I rolled down the window and told Brian I was all right. I called Nick and asked him to come and get me. Brian stayed with me until Nick came. "I'm just too tired." We left my van there and would come back to get it later. We said goodbye to Brian and drove home.

Chapter 42

Our lives were slowly getting back to normal. Once Brian went back to teaching I watched Annie for him. Finally on May 15, four days early I had another son. Brian and Nick were very worried about the birth of this child. It brought up some very painful memories. Although we were blessed with a healthy son our thoughts couldn't help but turn to Annie and Brian. Little Annie is now 8 months old. She's crawling and standing up. She's going to walk early I told Brian. She sees my three kids running around the house and she wants to go too. Brian has really become such a devoted father it's unbelievable how far he has come. I am extremely busy now with 5 kids. My four and Little Annie, I'm not complaining. I love every minute of it. This fall Matt will start first grade. Brian has one more year to go and he'll start kindergarten. Nicole is into everything. She'll be three in a few months. Now our little Nickolas gives us even more joy. Jane comes over for a few hours almost every day. "As soon as Nicole turns 3 I'm putting her into preschool." Nick laughed at me. We put our house up for sale today. We really need a bigger house. These 4 bedrooms just aren't cutting it anymore. It's too bad we have to move because I really love this house. Brian is thinking about buying it from us. I told him if he wanted the house I'd give it to him. He said he wanted to buy it. Nick said "OK, it's on the market for $1.00." He was still in the apartment he and Annie shared. He wanted little Annie to have a yard to run around in. We eventually convinced him and he gave us the dollar and we gave him the keys. We now live right on the beach in an 8 bedroom 9 bathroom house. Kevin and AJ are running daddy's company and Nick and I are doing just great. It seems that our lives are finally settling down. Carolyn and Doug flew down just after Nickolas was born. Carolyn was hoping for another girl so that Nicole would have someone close in age. I reminded her that she had little Annie. They would always have each other. We are nearing the first anniversary of Annie's death. Since little Annie and my Nicole share the same birthday we combined their parties. Our new house was full of people. We ate lunch and we sang Happy Birthday, I was about to cut the cake when Brian asked to talk to me alone. I handed the knife to Nick who just shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know what it was all about. I walked with Brian into the downstairs den. He closed the door and sat down next to me. He wouldn't look me in the eye. I was dreading the announcement that he'd found someone to replace Annie. I wasn't ready to here that. Instead he turned to me with tears in his eyes, "Hope I want to thank you for your friendship and support over the last year. Without you I wouldn't be half the father to Annie I am today. I almost walked away from her. I thank God everyday that you found me." I hugged him and we cried. I kissed him on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. It was a friend kiss, no passion. Our eyes locked and he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. Nick was standing outside the door listening. I opened the door and hugged him. I told him everything that happened. I told him I kissed him on the lips but it was just a friendship kiss. I said I told him I loved him. Nick's eyebrows disappeared into his hair. I said I meant it as friends. "I can't help but love Brian after all that he's been through. Just like I love AJ, Kevin, Howie, and Annie's brothers. We all shared such a deep pain. I hope you understand." He said he did. Nickolas is now four months old. Once the party was over Nick and I went to bed. I had a tough time sleeping and went downstairs and called Brian. "Are you awake?" "Yes, I can't sleep either." "Do you still have that tape of Annie?" "I do." "Let's watch it together." We sat in silence watching the tape of Annie. It brought back such wonderful memories of her. We actually stopped watching the tapes and started talking about her again. "Remember the time when she backed into the police car?" Brian laughed, "she was stopped for speeding and was so flustered and upset after getting the ticket that she put her car in reverse and backed right into the cop." I was laughing so hard that Nick came down to check on me. "Pick up the cordless." "I woke Nick up Brian." "Hi Brian, what's was going on?" "We're remembering Annie." "Remember that time at the beach when she fell asleep and she was sunburned?" "She couldn't lie down on her back for a week," Brian laughed. We went on and on like that for about 2 hours. "Brian?, are you all right now?" "I am, and I love you both. Good night." I walked back up to bed. He made love to me and I cried knowing how lonely Brian must be. I told Nick there has got to be someone special out there for him. "Don't do it." I just laughed. "I'm just saying…" He put his mouth over mine and kissed me. "Let's go to sleep before Nickolas wakes up again." "I love you," I said to him. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and told me he loved me too.